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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law wants to buy next door

265 replies

ezzycozzy · 12/07/2018 16:46

My widowed mother in law has repeatedly asked to sell up both houses and live together. (She already lives in the next road to us and her other son lives 1 mile away). I have repeatedly said no in no uncertain terms to her. I have avoided a full on face to face confrontation about it but I have sent a couple of strong worded texts about how it is not an option. At this stage my husband always says he is open to the idea but he will 'talk to me' about it. Anyhow, our elderly next door neighbour has just died and leaves behind a dooer upper of a bungalow. She wants to buy it. Stupid husband wants to do it up. (Basically he sees the plus of having an extra garage and driveway. We also have out buildings with a log burner that we do not have permission for so he is happy to have the easy ride of a non complaining neighbour like his mother). I on the other hand feel like moving out. She would be here all the time Molly coddling him and our kids would constantly choose to be next door at nannies where they can do as they bloody well like!!).......

OP posts:

Stillonthatbloodycomputer · 14/07/2018 07:44

bezem I think your idea is spot on. When I said earlier about being a non person, sorry I didn't necessarily mean with my DS and his wife , I mean in society generally. I'm fortunate to live within an hour so visits do need to be planned but even if I lived next door there should still be some boundaries, I'm also very fortunate I get on great with DiL , please just try talking to her and express your concerns, remember conversation is a 2 way street, IF though she refuses to then see your point and wants to interfere then of course you have to make the decision that suits you, but don't break the relationship down if you can come to some sort of compromise .

HectorlovesKiki · 14/07/2018 07:50

Noooooooooooooooo.
Your husband needs to let go of the apron strings...
YOU should be his priority now. He sounds like a wimp.
Let him know that you are SO unhappy at this prospect and they'll be no more sex if she moves in next door, you simply couldn't relax enough knowing she might hear you.
Best of luck to you.

Kippenbelladonna · 14/07/2018 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningconstitutional2017 · 14/07/2018 08:09

Oh dear, poor you. Late MIL lived about 15 minutes away, BIL half the distance. As she got older she couldn't leave the house by herself. In one way, her living next door would have eased our minds when she got dementia but it would have been a mixed blessing. We would have been closer to hand when she knocked on the windows to passers-by asking them in, etc.

It's a sad situation for you. If you move she'll feel rejected. There's no easy answer to this. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

Timefortea99 · 14/07/2018 08:10

Not sure the poo can be blamed on a MIL!

Kippenbelladonna · 14/07/2018 08:43

OMG I just tried to post my first post and complete it messed it up....how do I delete??

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 14/07/2018 08:47

@Kippenbelladonna you need to report it. Click on the three dots on mobile site and report it. MNHQ can delete it. I have reported it for you too.

bluebeck · 14/07/2018 09:00

I thought the poo was a welcome diversion

Sice · 14/07/2018 10:16

That won't do really you need your own new space

ralfeesmum · 14/07/2018 11:10

Tread carefully, ezzycozzy.

And pray that this crackpot idea never comes to fruition. I suspect there is a hidden agenda here - your ma-in-law and husband are setting you up as a convenient Carer-Next-Door (unpaid!) for when your MIL should start to go into decline due to age.

If this does happen then that'll be TWO households you'll be running ragged between.

Do what it takes to stop this, for your physical health and mental sanity.

bringincrazyback · 14/07/2018 11:36

Hell to the no. Which makes me a massive hypocrite, because my parents live with DH and me (albeit in a separate part of a large house)... I'm eternally grateful to him for what he's done for them, but to my shame I don't think I could ever cope with MIL even a short travelling distance away. She means well, but can be very rude and intrusive and is just plain exhausting company. I'm holding my breath at the moment because she's contemplating a move and I don't have a leg to stand on if she decides to move to this area, not after what my DH has done for my parents, I'd just have to deal. And probably go mad in the process. wry laugh YANBU in the slightest.

SistersOfPercy · 14/07/2018 11:57

When I was young and fresh faced fucking naive my FIL applied for planning permission to build a house in their garden the intention being that we move into that.
For some reason it didn't happen and the house didn't get built. Having been NC with MIL for 5 years I can only say thank fuck for that.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 14/07/2018 12:38

I'd be moving out too...... my DPs and DPIL live 2 streets away from each other so DH and I moved 4 miles away into the next town. If either of them wanted to move within a 5 minute walking distance to me, I'd move out.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/07/2018 12:59

I'm a massive hypocrite too, because despite having lived happily with my MIL, I wouldn't even consider it for my own parents (either individually or together). We just don't have that kind of relationship.

Lizzie48 · 14/07/2018 13:44

That would be my worst nightmare, whether it was my DM or my MIL. I don't think they would like it much either, as our adopted DDs are very full on and they're both in their late 70s so would quickly be exhausted.

Just say no, OP, and keep saying no.

CAAKE · 14/07/2018 14:46

Haven't rtft, but the title alone caused a sharp intake of breath. Horrors!

nailak · 14/07/2018 15:17

It's amazing how some posters want to invalidate others experiences and opinions and think there's only one way that families should look like.

Many people live with In laws or next to In laws. If some people's circles and life experiences are so limited that they have never seen this then maybe they need to listen to others who have broader experiences.

In a cases it doesn't have to be a disaster and their are positives as well as negatives.

The OP doesn't want this but she doesn't have any more right to dictate then her husband does.

Lizzie48 · 14/07/2018 15:31

@nailak I think that kind of closeness can only work if the couple are in agreement about it. If your relationship is important to you then you do need to come to a solution that you're both happy with.

Fenwickdream · 14/07/2018 15:51

I’d bloody love this. I’d take my Mum or Mother in law next door tomorrow. Yes they’re be nosy. Yes my child would never want to see my again but how brilliant for the kids! It takes a village........
Unless she’s horrible why not take all the perks?

nailak · 14/07/2018 15:54

The problem is if both husband and wife remain entrenched in their positions then one will always be unhappy.

If the op position is so absolute as some are recommending, that if it happens she should divorce or move out rather then find a way to make it work this is still not giving the relationship importance or coming to a solution everyone is happy with.

In fact it is emotional blackmail. "If you don't allow me to dictate my will then I will leave you".

Which is why, yes the husband has no right to dictate, but As I said neither does the OP.

And it's amazing the amount of posters who said they don't mind using grandparents for childcare etc but then don't want the responsibility of caring for them when they become frail or lonely.
Caring for elderly people shouldn't be seen as a burden any more then caring for children is. Yes it can be difficult and impact your life, but that's what being in a family is about. Supporting and caring for others when they need it out of love and compassion.

Saying that men that have that compassion and attachment to their mothers are still tired to the apron strings etc is ridiculous. You can be a fully functioning, independent adult and still respect the opinion of your parents and want to look after your parents and make their lives happier.

Jux · 14/07/2018 16:15

If your mil is respectful it'll work, but it doesn't sound like she is.

NotAnotherHeffalump · 14/07/2018 16:34

Agree with nailak

Earthakitty · 14/07/2018 16:41

No . No. No.
Even if you got on brilliantly with her it would not work.
Familiarity breeds contempt.

Justmeandmydawg · 14/07/2018 17:17

YANBU! Poor you! MIL is being a bulldozer and DH is letting her. All I can say is I USED to have a husband that hadn’t cut the apron strings, it was hell.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 14/07/2018 20:29

Let's remember that she already lives in the next road, close enough for junior school aged children to pop around for tea. Near enough for dh to pop in after work for half an hour in the evening, near enough to pick her up and take her shopping. Near enough to pop round if she is ill. This isn't a move from 2 hours away to ten minutes drive away, this is a move from a five minute walk to a 30 second walk.

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