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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off by man staring at me on public transport - AIBU?

117 replies

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 15:57

This happened a few days ago and it's been making me more and more angry the more I think about it.

I'd just got on the tram when I noticed a guy staring at me. I just ignored him, it is the sort of low level harassment that you just put up with. He eventually looked away but it made me feel very uncomfortable.

I could have started back but maybe he would have seen it as a come on.

I could have asked him what the hell thought he was staring at but that might have provoked him.

If somebody is ignoring basic social norms like not staring at strangers you do wonder if they would respond in a normal way.

In the end I just pretended I couldn't feel him staring a hole in the back of my head.

It was no big deal really guys do this all the time. It always makes me feel small. I wanna be bold and stare them down but I don't have the balls. Most of the time I just pretend it isn't happening.

AIBU to let this bother me? Why do guys think they can do that? Do they know how aggressive they're being? Is that the point or are they just totally lacking in social skills? If you stare at another man like that he's gonna see it as a sign of aggression. What's the difference?

OP posts:

JudgingDoubleConcentrate · 12/07/2018 15:59

I think you're misinterpreting people looking out the window.

Do you like to insist that people only stare at their shoes when they are in your vicinity?

PinkThread · 12/07/2018 15:59

There's not much you can do about staring however I understand entirely what you mean. I've had this a couple of times where older men have been staring at me in a very obviously creepy way. It is enough to stir an anger in me because I hate being looked at in a sexual manner when I don't want to be. Look by all means but don't stare!

TheQueef · 12/07/2018 15:59

You are upset because someone stared at you on the tram?

A few days ago?

ImAGoofyGoober · 12/07/2018 16:01

It’s annoying but I think you need to let go now.
Next time I would either stare back with my scowliest face or ask what he wants.

KimWexler · 12/07/2018 16:02

I get completely what you mean and I'd have been upset too. As you say, it's really hard to know how best to deal with it.

Original poster

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 16:02

It's the sort of thing that happens all the time. You don't normally notice it except when you think about it it's actually pretty hostile behavior...

OP posts:

ManyCrisps · 12/07/2018 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KimWexler · 12/07/2018 16:05

Jesus - why are people being so hostile to the OP? She's explained it perfectly clearly.

ReginaBlitzkreig · 12/07/2018 16:07

No idea why some posters are pretending not to get what you mean. It is hostile behaviour, and in a confined space like a bus or tram that is pretty unpleasant.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 12/07/2018 16:07

Having lived in a number of different (mainly European) cities abroad, I realised it's a very British thing not to stare at one another and I had to grow accustomed to it very quickly. It's far more common elsewhere. This guy may not have been English. He could have been partially sighted. Maybe you reminded him of someone. Maybe he fancied you. Who knows. I understand it's very uncomfortable but we really can't start dictating where people look.

ReservoirDogs · 12/07/2018 16:09

He probably had his headphones one and was miles away listening to his music.

Blackbirdblue30 · 12/07/2018 16:10

It's not just looking that they do- its leering and designed to intimidate. It's really annoying.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 12/07/2018 16:10

Oh, I feel your pain OP. I switch between staring straight back with a scowl or raised eyebrow and trying to get as far away from them as I can. It's so easy to dwell on incidents like this for days but I do think it's better to try to put them out of your head as soon as you can. But you are not unreasonable for hating it, everyday sexism is real and hateful.

PinkThread · 12/07/2018 16:11

@ManyCrisps you do realise that telling someone to 'fucking grow up' implies that you're the one that maybe needs to grow up a little. Absolutely vile to speak to someone else like that who's done nothing wrong whatsoever. Clearly you can't relate or deal with things differently in which case maybe you can offer a little constructive advice as opposed to being rude.

Nikephorus · 12/07/2018 16:11

Some people look like they're staring when they're actually gazing into space thinking about something totally different and you happen to be in their (unconscious) eye-line.
Either try smiling or pulling faces at them, or ask them politely if you've spilt something down yourself or whatever - it won't provoke them and if they are actually consciously staring at you they'll likely stop.
(And if they're deliberately being an arse then it's not restricted to men - women are just as good if not better)

Original poster

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 16:11

I know the difference between a glance and a stare. Why is everyone minimising this abusive behaviour? I KNOW you all know what I'm talking about....

OP posts:

Gojustgo · 12/07/2018 16:12

Oh come, everyone! Women don't do this to men do they? Its part of the crap that women have to put up that has become so normalised that a woman saying, 'I don't like it' leads to people attacking her, not the arseholes who think it is o.k. stare at her when she is clearly not being receptive to it. Didn't you read the bit about her being worried about provoking hostility if she calls him out on it? Yes, because women do have to worry about that when they try to set boundaries with men.

Original poster

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 16:13

This is gendered. If women stare at me like this it's because they want a fight, that's the only time I have felt this type of look from women...

OP posts:

KimWexler · 12/07/2018 16:14

Some of the replies on this thread are extraordinary.

BPenelope96 · 12/07/2018 16:16

Totally get it, the worst is guys pulling up next to you at traffic lights etc. Had someone following me home the other night on the road always trying to pull up next to me so they can stare more... freaky

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 12/07/2018 16:18

Slightly different but one of my favourite responses was to seeing a pair of young teenagers at the back of a double decker giving everyone the finger and mouthing "fuck you". I waved very enthusiastically back at them and they soon stopped.

Original poster

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 16:18

Some of these replies prove the 11th rule of misogyny
Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men's feelings.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 12/07/2018 16:20

I gaze into space, I dont direct my gaze at people. Its rude and aggressive to stare.

Tartsamazeballs · 12/07/2018 16:20

In the animal world if you stare at another animal you want to do one of the three Fs -fight, feed or fuck. That's why it's hostile, we aren't that far removed from the animals.

Mymycherrypie · 12/07/2018 16:21

There is a difference between the vacant state of the person in a daze and the hard state of a man on a train. I used to have this most weeks on the tube. One even took a photo of my cleavage when I wasn’t looking.

Eventually I became more angry and now I stare back without breaking eye contact for a moment. Just when it gets to the point where he is confused and it’s all a bit awkward, I shout BOO and laugh.

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