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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off by man staring at me on public transport - AIBU?

117 replies

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 15:57

This happened a few days ago and it's been making me more and more angry the more I think about it.

I'd just got on the tram when I noticed a guy staring at me. I just ignored him, it is the sort of low level harassment that you just put up with. He eventually looked away but it made me feel very uncomfortable.

I could have started back but maybe he would have seen it as a come on.

I could have asked him what the hell thought he was staring at but that might have provoked him.

If somebody is ignoring basic social norms like not staring at strangers you do wonder if they would respond in a normal way.

In the end I just pretended I couldn't feel him staring a hole in the back of my head.

It was no big deal really guys do this all the time. It always makes me feel small. I wanna be bold and stare them down but I don't have the balls. Most of the time I just pretend it isn't happening.

AIBU to let this bother me? Why do guys think they can do that? Do they know how aggressive they're being? Is that the point or are they just totally lacking in social skills? If you stare at another man like that he's gonna see it as a sign of aggression. What's the difference?

OP posts:
KimWexler · 12/07/2018 16:22

Exactly. Don't hurt their feelings and it's all your fault for being on the bloody bus/on the street/in the park in the first place and your perceptions are all wrong anyway and how dare you go around being a woman and not tolerating simmering hostility, etc.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 12/07/2018 16:23

Some of these replies are horrible.

YANBU. It is a certain look, or rather a leer. Regardless of other cultures it is rude to stare at someone in ours. It is unsettling and makes me feel vulnerable. I’d love to stare them down or tell them to fuck off, but always end up avoiding eye contact and feeling vulnerable.

I feel that to confront them you’d need other people around and for others to be willing to intervene if the man got aggressive.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 12/07/2018 16:23

I was walking to the bus stop to go to work the other day along a busy high street where there is a bench in the middle of the wide pavement.

A man was sitting on the bench and stared at me coming towards him, swivelled around as I passed, then got up and walked along the street a few paces right behind me.

He looked completely bonkers (one of the guys who hang around busy streets on central London) and it did unnerve me, as it didn't feel like a coincidence that he got up and followed after me.

Luckily the bus stop wasn't too far so I strode to it then turned around and gave him a stern eyeball as he came along then walked past and watched him as he kept going.

Emmasmum2013 · 12/07/2018 16:23

I get this and it is annoying.. if you so much as look at them back, or say something then they take it as egging them on and will assume you're interested. Or if you call them out on it and and ask them to stop then apparently you're a 'bitch'. Its a lose-lose situation.

You just have to ignore and hope they go away. There's no talking to some people like that.

Let it go OP, its shit but at best, you can take the compliment that he found you attractive and couldn't take his eyes off you I suppose. But he didn't have any right to make you feel uncomfortable.

KimWexler · 12/07/2018 16:25

But I don't think it's about 'finding someone attractive', it's power play.

eddielizzard · 12/07/2018 16:26

It's revolting and unacceptable.

longwayoff · 12/07/2018 16:27

Some of these 'mums' are men are they not? Misogyny meter running.

77leaves · 12/07/2018 16:28

No it pisses me off too. It's some sort of dominance thing, they'd never do it to a man and they can't expect it to go anywhere. Only thing I've found that works is making a practiced look of disgust and turning away and not looking back.

Original poster
DJLippy · 12/07/2018 16:28

Yeah this is it, it doesn't feel like a come on. Even if I don't fancy someone - being checked out never feels threatening. Hard to quantify but I know the difference when it's happening...

OP posts:
Mymycherrypie · 12/07/2018 16:28

I only do the aggressive stare back if people are around. The BOO seems to alert other people to it happening as well. To the ones that sneakily feel you up as well, I have said a very loud “do not touch me again”. I did that once as a teenager and lots of old ladies on the bus muttered things like “rude teenager” but a few people said they were pleased I’d get able to speak out.

I never just look away though. I want them to know that if required to, I could positively identify them in a line up.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 12/07/2018 16:29

It’s not a compliment Emma

It’s unwanted attention being forced on women. Making them feel uncomfortable and scared. It’s rooted in sexism, not attraction.

LyndseyKola · 12/07/2018 16:30

YANBU. It’s fucking horrible. I think posters who are able to genuinely say ‘he was probably just looking out the window’ have never experienced it. Lucky them.

Sometimes I call it out if I feel safe (busy place, when I leave the transport I’ll be surrounded by people) with a ‘sorry, do I know you?’ quite loudly. Usually the guy will be a bit taken aback you’ve said anything. If they say ‘no’ or nothing I’ll say ‘because you’ve been staring at me for quite a while and I wondered if maybe you thought you recognised me from somewhere?’

It stops. Usually the guy gets up and leaves to another carriage.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 12/07/2018 16:32

I used to get this a fair bit, as I look a bit , let's say, different (not "out there", I am just not standard size/race. Not amazing in any way)

Looking back briefly with a bitchy resting face whilst slightly widening your eyes and raising eye brows whilst looking pissed off, then looking away sort of works (not sure I am explaining this well)

I have been told I can look really haughty Grin Haughty can be useful IMO. Practice it Wink

anchovyomelette · 12/07/2018 16:34

Hard to believe some on this thread are doing some good old mysogonistic minimising. Decent men don't do this sort of thing and the OP has every right to be pissed off. Women should be able to go about their business without being subjected to unwanted attention. And it is most definitely not a compliment.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 12/07/2018 16:34

I must be ugly as fuck because I've never experienced this. I have however been called out for staring at a woman on the train. I wasn't, it was a combination of zoning out completely and the fact that I suffer from horrendous resting bitch face. The scene she caused was mortifying.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 12/07/2018 16:35

I get you OP, it happens and is annoying at best, scary at worst.

The absolute worst thing that happened to me on public transport was 2 weeks ago. I'm back at work and DH is off on shared parental leave with DS (almost 1). He went ahead to visit family abroad 2.5 days before I could join them due to work commitments. I'm expressing when I'm not with DS as he has digestive issues exacerbated by formula, so during the flight I needed to express - with only 2 loos for the whole plane I WBVU to commandeer one for 20 mins so I pumped in my seat under a blanket. A man near me (part of a stag do) took a photo of me - no breast or skin on display at all, but he had obviously clocked what I was doing. I was mortified and really upset.

Before this happened, if someone had posted this I'd have told them to call him out, tell a steward/ess, make a scene etc. but in fact I just had a quiet weep to myself Blush I'm normally a very assertive person but this really floored me, so no, you weren't unreasonable to ignore him, it's much harder than I'd realised to confront a stranger when you're feeling vulnerable.

anchovyomelette · 12/07/2018 16:38

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered That's awful, the dirty bastard. Flowers

RadicalisedPortal · 12/07/2018 16:40

I have had to change the time and route I walk to work because of this. I see a ton of dog walkers and other people and we exchange smiles, bit of chat, all good. But there is this one dude that starts with a hello, then it's always followed by a remark on my clothing but said a a cheesy/slimey way. I know if I tell people I'll be told he is only being friendly/banter/he's lonely etc but he isn't. I know, like I've known since I was a kid that there is more to it than that.

Original poster
DJLippy · 12/07/2018 16:41

I am sick of this. I have probably responded in the past with everything from - raised eyebrows and a witty put down to straight out - 'what the fuck are you staring at!?' It's tiring. I was a bit hungover wearing yesterdays dress and I just wanted to go home and have a shower. Didn't feel very She-Ra that day. I don't wanna be a suffragette I just wanna go home you know?

OP posts:
BackToTheFuschia7 · 12/07/2018 16:42

AHedgehog Flowers What an absolute shit he was.

Bobbydeniro69 · 12/07/2018 16:42

This is an interesting one, because it is entirely dependant on the ' level look or stare.

I'm always amazed at the ' Rush Hour Crush ' section of Metro which has emails saying ' you caught me staring at you and smiled' and ' I wish I had asked for your number ' . Seriously, you would stare at a stranger then approach them for their telephone number?

This is not gender specific by the way ..both men and women do it.

I would imagine we have all been somewhere and someone has taken our eye, and we have looked for a bit longer than we should.

As long as it's discreet and not intimidating I would imagine I think it's pretty harmless.

What's the alternative, the human race walking round not making any unnecessary eye contact with each other? never smiling at a stranger? never admiring someone from afar just in case they catch us looking?

BackToTheFuschia7 · 12/07/2018 16:45

Are you a man Bobby Hmm

It is gender specific, and as has already been pointed out, it’s not just a look but rather a stare with intent and menace.

juneavrile · 12/07/2018 16:55

Yuck.

One of my ways of dealing with this, is to ask starer, loudly, if I have a massive bogie up my nose. Drawing attention to his rudeness publicly and showing that I am not some demure girl who has to put up with this kind of objectification.

Not everyone's ideal stragegy….but works for me.

daimbars · 12/07/2018 16:56

Just ask loudly and politely 'do you want something?'

Beamur · 12/07/2018 16:57

YANBU
He stared, you felt uncomfortable.
Your inner voice told you this stare was not friendly, a compliment or a come on.
On a much lighter note but similar vein, I got in a lift with 4 men and 1 woman earlier this week. I'm in my 40's, ok looking but no model. 3 out of 4 of the men looked at my cleavage, I had a v necked top on but not low cut. It was as if they had no idea they were doing it, none of them looked at my face!