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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off by man staring at me on public transport - AIBU?

117 replies

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 15:57

This happened a few days ago and it's been making me more and more angry the more I think about it.

I'd just got on the tram when I noticed a guy staring at me. I just ignored him, it is the sort of low level harassment that you just put up with. He eventually looked away but it made me feel very uncomfortable.

I could have started back but maybe he would have seen it as a come on.

I could have asked him what the hell thought he was staring at but that might have provoked him.

If somebody is ignoring basic social norms like not staring at strangers you do wonder if they would respond in a normal way.

In the end I just pretended I couldn't feel him staring a hole in the back of my head.

It was no big deal really guys do this all the time. It always makes me feel small. I wanna be bold and stare them down but I don't have the balls. Most of the time I just pretend it isn't happening.

AIBU to let this bother me? Why do guys think they can do that? Do they know how aggressive they're being? Is that the point or are they just totally lacking in social skills? If you stare at another man like that he's gonna see it as a sign of aggression. What's the difference?

OP posts:
anchovyomelette · 12/07/2018 17:53

Don't think it's gender specific though. Some people get off on intimidating others.

Yes, yes it is gender specific. This happened to me a lot in my younger days and it was never ever a woman doing the staring. I have never been asked by a woman if I wanted to fuck them, never ever.

Regressionconfession · 12/07/2018 17:53

Lots minimising on this thread. In my experience the lear often went with a them mouthing a kiss. Fucking horrible behaviour.

EvilMorty · 12/07/2018 18:10

Is this flattering?
Is this being checked out?
Staring vacantly?

No. It’s aggressive and with intent.

This is exactly the kind of staring I’ve had on public transport. If anyone wants to convince themselves that they’d take this as a compliment, they need to expect better compliments.

Pissed off by man staring at me on public transport - AIBU?
Glitched · 12/07/2018 18:17

@anchovy

Yes the ones doing the stating are mostly men.

What I meant was that I think these kind of horrible men will stare and intimidate men and women, in different ways, but to the same extent.

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 12/07/2018 18:17

women definitely do it!

Glitched · 12/07/2018 18:19

For example I've had this kind of behaviour towards me from the occasional horrible man. But I've also seen men be horrible to my partners for no reason. Trying to intimidate them.

Not sure how to police it though or what the solution is.

EvilMorty · 12/07/2018 18:43

Women do it, yes. I’ve had women do it. But they can usually be made to back down with a hard stare and a WTF face. Mostly I feel like they are judging your outfit/hair/handbag/tattoos/eyebrows/lifestyle choices. But I’ve had men who stare for the entirety of my 45 minute commute and it’s nearly always boobs.

LilyMarie · 12/07/2018 18:43

I would personally say I have had more women awkwardly stare at me, older women seem to be the worst for it on public transport. I have however found it a lot more unnerving and intimidating when a man does do it. Having lived and worked almost all my life in large cities where I solely rely on public transport I have learnt for the sake of my own mental health not to let the bizarre and rude behaviour of randoms bother me

Original poster
DJLippy · 12/07/2018 18:43

Yes Glitched I understand what you mean. I think this is kind of my point. If men stare at other men that way the intent is obvious but with women there is also a sexualised edge where people just see this as 'normal' creepy guy behavior - almost as a compliment but the intention for the stare is to control.

Sometimes I think it's because these men see women as literal objects, and so stare at them as if they're looking at a beautiful picture or a vase. Like, is it a lack of human respect because they view me as an object and not a person?

OP posts:
Glitched · 12/07/2018 19:30

@OP

You may well be right. I think being the victim of this social intimidation is just as bad for men and women. Anyone being intimidated will feel under threat.

And I agree it's upsetting and can be really scary. Not much we can do though other than keep our wits about us.

Neededastealthname · 12/07/2018 19:47

YANBU I had this today whilst walking my dog, a sainsbury's delivery van was crawling at 5mph whilst the driver leered at me, it went on for ages!

I hate being looked at but that's a personal thing and I realise some people would find it flattering, what isn't flattering however is being leered at, that horrible sexually aggressive stare that makes you feel intimidated, that is not OK, it says a lot about the men doing it too.

On a side note - women who look you up and down with a nasty expression on their faces, really hate those too.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 12/07/2018 19:56

How were you positioned in the train OP in relation to "the starer" could it be possible you were in his direct line of vision and you THINK he was staring at you Hmm it's all about perception. Not saying he wasn't just wondering

Dandeliontea123 · 12/07/2018 19:56

I feel it is a way of trying to ‘put you in your place’ whether it comes from men or women. Horrible.

WinehouseAmy · 12/07/2018 20:01

I'm sorry but has it crossed your mind that this gentleman could have possibly been blind, autistic or in possession of poor social etiquette skills?

I am so glad you didn't approach him, but I'm also really saddened that you felt so uncomfortable in this situation.

bandthenjust · 12/07/2018 20:02

Yuck. op itd bother me too. some old dude was staring a t my crotch the other day, n o shame at all. I ended up asking if my zip is und one and calling him out on it. I usually just eyeball people back until THEY feel intimidated.
YANBU to feel uncomfortable. Most people don't like it.

YourVagesty · 12/07/2018 20:03

YANBU OP.

I've started staring back and they do not break their stare. It's threatening.

Original poster
DJLippy · 12/07/2018 20:04

I didn't THINK he was staring at me - he WAS staring at me. He looked directly at me and then when I turned around he was still looking at me. I was a row behind him. I wasn't being paranoid that's the kind of wishful thinking that puts women in danger. Women need to trust when their spider sense is tingling...

OP posts:
HyacinthsBucket70 · 12/07/2018 20:07

I followed a car through traffic the other day - 40s/50s BMW male driver, and he stopped to let a few teenage girls in school uniform cross in front of him. He crawled off up the road, staring at them the whole time in his rear view mirror. It actually made me feel sick. I beeped my horn at him in the end, as I was so cross.

Some men are just vile OP.

Tomatoesrock · 12/07/2018 20:09

Ive had this, I think it is worse with the warmer weather. I once sat opposite a drunk guy on my way from work, He stared at me like I was his dinner the entire journey. I felt very uncomfortable.

raviolidreaming · 12/07/2018 20:21

I was a row behind him

In the end I just pretended I couldn't feel him staring a hole in the back of my head

If you were both sitting facing the opposite direction to travel, then that is very odd.

Wiggler1 · 12/07/2018 20:26

This happened to me 3 times last week, it was hot so I was wearing dresses, nothing particularly revealing but I looked ‘nice’. One of them told me I reminded him of someone he fantasises about, followed by a disgusting leer as he watched what he’d said sink in. All were significantly older than me. It’s threatening and demeaning, and very much a power game played by revolting men.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/07/2018 20:33

If you were both sitting facing the opposite direction to travel, then that is very odd.

Lots of trams have seats facing in both directions because they don't necessarily have a single direction of travel like a bus does. If you are going to try and cast doubt on an OP by picking on details you really need to have a sound basis for that. This kind of crap is really hostile to posters and brings nothing but ignorance to a thread.

halfwitpicker · 12/07/2018 20:35

Fucking hell wiggler, that's disgusting. What did you reply? It involved the words 'fuck off you old twat' I hope.

Whipsmart · 12/07/2018 20:37

This thread is absolutely fascinating. It's a situation that I'm sure most women have been in at some point in their lives, but we have posters coming up with all sorts of excuses and pretending that it ISN'T something that happens all the time, and if it is, it's not really a problem:

What's the alternative, the human race walking round not making any unnecessary eye contact with each other?
This is not gender specific by the way ..both men and women do it.
I think you're misinterpreting people looking out the window.
You are upset because someone stared at you on the tram?
I think you need to let go now.
This guy may not have been English. He could have been partially sighted. Maybe you reminded him of someone. Maybe he fancied you. Who knows. I understand it's very uncomfortable but we really can't start dictating where people look.
He probably had his headphones one and was miles away listening to his music.
'fucking grow up'
take the compliment that he found you attractive and couldn't take his eyes off you
you THINK he was staring at you
has it crossed your mind that this gentleman could have possibly been blind, autistic or in possession of poor social etiquette skills?

It seems the mumsnet rule is also that if you tell a story about a man staring at you, you have to emphasise how elderly and unnattractive you are, otherwise people will assume you're just bragging Hmm

There are some stunning women out there, the law of averages suggests some of them must be on mumsnet, so it wouldn't be at all surprising if some of them get harrassed like this every single day of their lives. Obviously men do do this regardless of the woman's attractiveness though, because it is designed to intimidate.

anchovyomelette has it in a nutshell: Women should be able to go about their business without being subjected to unwanted attention

raviolidreaming · 12/07/2018 20:40

BoomBoomsCousin - I meant that if OP had turned / moved to stop him staring at her and he'd carried on to the back of her head, then that is odd. Probably
odd was the wrong word. I'm tired. Whatever.

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