Pissed off by man staring at me on public transport - AIBU?

[DJLippy]

This happened a few days ago and it's been making me more and more angry the more I think about it.

I'd just got on the tram when I noticed a guy staring at me. I just ignored him, it is the sort of low level harassment that you just put up with. He eventually looked away but it made me feel very uncomfortable.

I could have started back but maybe he would have seen it as a come on.

I could have asked him what the hell thought he was staring at but that might have provoked him.

If somebody is ignoring basic social norms like not staring at strangers you do wonder if they would respond in a normal way.

In the end I just pretended I couldn't feel him staring a hole in the back of my head.

It was no big deal really guys do this all the time. It always makes me feel small. I wanna be bold and stare them down but I don't have the balls. Most of the time I just pretend it isn't happening.

AIBU to let this bother me? Why do guys think they can do that? Do they know how aggressive they're being? Is that the point or are they just totally lacking in social skills? If you stare at another man like that he's gonna see it as a sign of aggression. What's the difference?

@halfwitpicker I was at a wedding and saying goodbye to the bride when he leaned over to share his oh so important manly thoughts, so I couldn’t say anything, just raged about it all the way home.

I regularly state at (through) people. Sorry if I have done it to you and you think it's harassment, it's not, I genuinely don't see you.

I also do not want a fight (I swear, ignore the resting bitch face, it's involuntary).

Ive been in this situ before ...usually a quick look behind you and to left and right and puzzlef 'mmm what is so interesting that you could be staring at' look does the trick. It is horrible ..open leering dont get me started about all the disgusting leery behaviour people are allowed to get away with in society today

^For the arseholes...

@djlippy you won mumsnet for me tonight x great diagram

To the posters who are saying "maybe he was staring through you, he was autistic, he was blind" you know full bloody well there are subtleties to facial expression/body language that speak way louder than words and it is very easy to discern when someone is looking at you in a predatory way.

I was almost kidnapped as a child and I knew before he even pulled up next to me that I was in danger, I was walking away from the car but everything in me was screaming "RUN!" he had been talking to someone in another car moments before not even crawling along following me, I can only put it down to "spidey sense" as the OP said.

It's disgusting and leery and I'm even more disgusted by people try to make excuses for it. I tend to move to another seat or carriage or even leave the train as it makes me uncomfortable and I am not bold enough to call out the letches. It happens at work too.

I fucking believe you DJ

I can’t (well depressingly, I can) believe the asshattery on this thread. whip sums it up perfectly. People falling over themselves to excuse it.

What if he was blind, or autistic? Those conditions are a very very small percentage of the population compared to the number of Men Who Hate Women (NAMALT obvs) statistically, it’s going to be very likley the OP did read the situation correctly. you KNOW when someone stares at you with hostile intent.

It fucking sucks

One of last week’s starers looked like he might not be neurotypical (slightly unusual dress, muttering, bag clutching etc), he was staring right up until I spoke to my husband who was sitting next to me reading, he clearly hadn’t realised we were together until that point. Not a sideways glance after that. Nothing to do with any kind of social/mental health issue, just another fucking man.

Even if the guy was neuro A typical - would that explain the behavior? What is ingrained in male/female behavior modes that this is seen as normal?

I appreciate that autistic people don't pick up social ques but this can't explain this situation- can it?

Sorry, that was the point I was making (very badly), I had originally given him the benefit of the doubt (despite the fact he was looking at me like shit), until he realised I was with another man, at which point he ignored me until we got off the train. So he clearly realised that he shouldn’t be staring at me that way without risking a thumping (my husband is soft as butter and would never even consider giving someone a thumping, but looks like he could). So not a neuro atypical thing, a man thing.

@Neededastealthname for your spidey sense!

Glad you got away - your instincts saved you there, wicked. We need to teach girls and young women to trust their instincts and call out male related bullshit when they see it!

Irritating yes abusive no

I've actually never really experienced this thankfully. I'm a bit mortified as I only realised I was staring at a woman in the lift the other day when she gave me a really pointed look. She had fabulous long auburn hair and I was feeling a bit envious of it but obviously must have been gawping

Ugh I hate this and I do know what you mean. I recently had this on a train platform, so I moved and this horrible guy followed me. I had to keep moving back and forth till eventually a lovely, older woman put herself in between us. Tbh, I do think he was maybe neuro atypical, but I’m purely speculating, based on his behaviour.

I’m not young myself (34) and no looker! It was intimidating though and I was quite wary getting off the train at the other end to make sure he wasn’t still following me.

Fuck going on the buses they are always smelly packed and the drivers barely know what they are doing and won't help with basic questions like how to get somewhere. I'd rather walk.