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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off by man staring at me on public transport - AIBU?

117 replies

DJLippy · 12/07/2018 15:57

This happened a few days ago and it's been making me more and more angry the more I think about it.

I'd just got on the tram when I noticed a guy staring at me. I just ignored him, it is the sort of low level harassment that you just put up with. He eventually looked away but it made me feel very uncomfortable.

I could have started back but maybe he would have seen it as a come on.

I could have asked him what the hell thought he was staring at but that might have provoked him.

If somebody is ignoring basic social norms like not staring at strangers you do wonder if they would respond in a normal way.

In the end I just pretended I couldn't feel him staring a hole in the back of my head.

It was no big deal really guys do this all the time. It always makes me feel small. I wanna be bold and stare them down but I don't have the balls. Most of the time I just pretend it isn't happening.

AIBU to let this bother me? Why do guys think they can do that? Do they know how aggressive they're being? Is that the point or are they just totally lacking in social skills? If you stare at another man like that he's gonna see it as a sign of aggression. What's the difference?

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 12/07/2018 16:57

Why the fuck is the OP getting flack for this?

Men stare inappropriately all the time and we are supposed to just suck it up? NO.

I usually just move and sit somewhere else OP, sometimes I stare back with a 'what the fuck do you want' ¸expression but they usually just take that as interest....

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 12/07/2018 16:58

Oh dear. My DS is 18 and stares at people all the time. It gets him into trouble but, he has autism and is trying to “read people”.

He ended up in a fight recently (and lost) when someone pulled him up on it. Trouble is, he’d pass for neurotypical so, people think he’s just being rude/weird.

Nuffaluff · 12/07/2018 17:00

I would imagine we have all been somewhere and someone has taken our eye, and we have looked for a bit longer than we should.
There’s a big difference between this kind of look and a proper, hard, intimidating stare.
If you’re attracted to someone it’s a glance, then a second glance and maybe you accidentally hold it a bit too long, maybe 10 seconds at most.
I’ve had men do this to me and all I do is make eye contact, then they immediately break eye contact as they realise they’ve been staring. Nothing wrong with that - I’ve probably done it myself.
What the OP is talking about is of a much longer duration. It’s a deliberate attempt to intimidate.

Nuffaluff · 12/07/2018 17:01

aunty
What you’re saying is also sometimes the case, of course.

OftenHangry · 12/07/2018 17:02

I was this "creep" once.
Was just miles away looking into an empty space, but not really looking. Someone got in and sat there. I was so in my own thoughts I haven't realised until she waved at me a bit. 😲

Don't want to put down your feelings obviously, it's just that there might have been similar situation since you just got on.

ReginaBlitzkreig · 12/07/2018 17:03

As long as it's discreet and not intimidating I would imagine I think it's pretty harmless.

What's the alternative, the human race walking round not making any unnecessary eye contact with each other? never smiling at a stranger? never admiring someone from afar just in case they catch us looking?

I think you are imagining something quite different from what the OP is describing. If the kind of stare that I understand OP to be describing shows anything, it is not flirtatious interest. it is hatred and a desire to instill fear.

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 12/07/2018 17:05

This happened to me once, goodness knows why as I am no oil painting and probably old enough to be his mother. Maybe it was a weird power thing. I think the other passengers on the train noticed too which made me feel a bit safer although the whole thing was really and awkward.

I eventually got out my phone and very obviously took a photo of him staring directly at me which was a bit risky I suppose but he did stop.

Pissed off by man staring at me on public transport - AIBU?
Original poster
DJLippy · 12/07/2018 17:08

Just to give a bit more info this guy also had quite severe burns on this face as though he had been the victim of an acid attack, which put me off staring back or saying something because I would look like the arsehole...

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 12/07/2018 17:08

Surprised by the hostility of remarks here

Sometimes looking away with a pronounced "yeuch" look helps. I know what you mean, it's so annoying when you can't just get from A to B without some CF staring.

Lillygolightly · 12/07/2018 17:08

Being looked at or checked out as it were is quiet flattering and doesn’t usually feel untoward or threatening. Usually being checked out involves stolen glances and some staring but will usually look away if you catch them. It may be nice or perhaps welcome attention or maybe not but it’s not usually upsetting.

Leering I certainly find threatening and is absolutely horrible to experience and can makes you feel unsafe in even the most public of spaces. I’d liken it to almost to being touched in a sexually threatening way with their eyes. The fact is though that because they are NOT touching you, you feel unreasonable complain about it because they’ve not done anything other that stare in a creepy way. Also complaining can escalate the situation and can lead to you feeling even more threatened. What can you do though, you can’t police where people look/stare even If it does leave you feeling violated and like you’ve been assaulted by someone’s eyes. It all sounds a bit dramatic I know but that’s the only way I can think to explain it and there are absolutely men out there who do this who without doubt know that they are making you feel uncomfortable and seem to get off on knowing it. Makes you feel like prey to be honest, I suppose that’s the point.

Also even you have ever been sexually assaulted (which I have) something a seemingly innocuous as a creepy stare can feel incredibly threatening.

LighthouseSouth · 12/07/2018 17:10

OMD worst cross post ever!! I didn't see your post saying he had burn marks.

SingingSands · 12/07/2018 17:11

I know what you mean. YANBU.

My worst experience was when I was 17/18. I was catching the train into town from our village, it was quiet as it was Saturday. A man got on, chose to sit right opposite me. He was really staring at me. He kept looking, despite my giving him my “not interested face”. He spread his legs and leant forward. Still staring. I didn’t budge. He started writing on his ticket, then stood up to get off at the next stop and threw it at me. It read “Mr Big, call me, [phone number]”. Then he stared from the platform as the train pulled out. I hope he stared long enough to see me laugh, rip it up and raise my middle finger.

He was so creepy. It was 21 years ago and it still pops into my head now and then. I often wonder if he regularly harassed young girls.

We all know the difference between someone staring, staring with intent to intimidate, and someone just zoned out.

HerRoyalNotness · 12/07/2018 17:11

You don’t need to be confrontational though. I always ask them if they need help with something? Or if they’re ok. This way they know you’ve clocked them, and you’re not sitting there just taking it, but at the same time you’re polite and aren’t escalating anything. They normally stop as they don’t club

Or just roll your eyes at them and look away

HerRoyalNotness · 12/07/2018 17:12

*actuslly want to be engaged with

Liffydee · 12/07/2018 17:13

Agree it’s horrible.
And it’s not just glancing or appearing to be staring, they genuinely are eyeballing you, it’s very uncomfortable.

socraties1234 · 12/07/2018 17:14

Just politely ask "Do I know you because you keep staring?"

Nuffaluff · 12/07/2018 17:14

Perhaps having a magazine or book handy would be good. Get it out and read, holding it between his stare and your face. That would ruin it for him and it’s an assertive gesture that sends a clear message without risking escalating the situation.

MarklesMerkin · 12/07/2018 17:18

YANBU - I absolutely HATE people who stare and even in young children I find it incredibly rude and can't understand why parents don't address it.

I was in Dublin on holiday when I was 18 with a male friend. Male friend went to bed before me and I stayed in the hotel bar drinking and having a laugh with other guests. I then noticed a man staring at me non-stop, like he just would not break his gaze away from me. When I'd look over he'd put his pint glass in front of his face as if I couldn't see him then!! The barman came over and asked if I was okay as he could see the man leering and was concerned - I assured him I was okay and I didn't feel in any danger as I only had upstairs to get to my room so it's not like he could have followed me 'home' iyswim?

A short while afterwards I needed the toilet and having had a few to drink I didn't really think about the creepy man. Just after I'd locked the cubicle door the man came in behind me!! Thankfully the barman had been watching and stormed in right behind him and threw him out, I dread to think what could have happened if the barman didn't have my back and for a long time I blamed myself for not being more cautious. If people stare at me no I have absolutely NO problem with calling them out or being rude back.

RoseWhiteTips · 12/07/2018 17:23

I think people are a bit Confusedby the it happens all the time part.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 12/07/2018 17:24

This has happened to me many times. Once on tube I was so annoyed at having to do the polite drop your eyes and ignore it (standard female conditioned response) that I angrily stared back -but I'll never do it again as he did not back down and the whole thing was utterly terrifying Sad men are fucking pigs. NAMALT etc Hmm blah blah

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 12/07/2018 17:24

I know what you mean op. I had this exact thing on the bus today, infact i ended up moving as I felt so uncomfortable. Im sorry but if you are staring at someone so much that they move, then your staring to damn much! and this was a woman!

Sleephead1 · 12/07/2018 17:30

it's totally different to being checked out i e had it a few times and you can totally tell the diffetence the first time I had it happen was years ago but I can still remember the uncomftable feeling I was out watching the football so everyone was looking at the screen except him he just kept turning and starring at me I could feel him just staring at me it was so uncomftable then he turn for a few mins and do it again. I felt I couldn't even look in the same direction. I've also had it in a shop the man started talking to me but was just staring at me the full time then told my little boy who was a toddler at the time I wish I was your daddy while he was staring at me it was just so creepy. I also had it at work with the staring and then he threw his phone number at me aswell after sitting staring at me. I don't know why they would do this I can't think anyone would ever respond well to it it's so creepy

MoltenLasagne · 12/07/2018 17:32

I had this the other day at a bus stop on the way home from work. A guy in a stationary car (rush hour) was really staring at me in an intimidating way. I did my usual thing of pretending not to notice and looking in a different direction, scrolling my phone and what not. Apparently that made me a bitch so I got a cup of drink thrown at my head. I reported it to 101 but apparently it was just kids being kids not anything driven by misogyny. They didn't chuck anything at the men standing by me though.

Glitched · 12/07/2018 17:33

It's annoying and does happen. Don't think it's gender specific though. Some people get off on intimidating others.

Problem is though with this kind of low level intimidation is that no crime has been committed and there is no way to stop them without living in some kind police state.

There are no practical steps to prevent this. You can educate people and put up notices or something but there will always be a percentage of men that act like twats for thrills.

Regressionconfession · 12/07/2018 17:50

I know exactly what you mean op. No answers but it makes my skin crawl.

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