Ex introducing new gf - please read before judging....

[sissy89]

I posted this a few weeks ago and this morning came to a decision. Like I say, please read before judging me. If after you have read the following points and you still think I am in the wrong then I completely accept that. At the end of the day I'm just a mother who has her dcs best interests at heart BUT I do understand that my dcs have 2 parents.

2 dcs with my ex. Aged 9 and 6. Ds is the eldest and has autism - this is a massive contributing factor in all of this.

• me and ex split 5 years ago. He moved 2.5 hours away. I have since met someone else and got married. Ex sees the kids every other weekend. They travel to him.

• ex remained single in this time until last year he met someone. He introduced her after 3 months of seeing which I felt was quite soon but I know I can't stop it so I agreed it was fine. She has one ds - he's 5.

• all was going well with the ex and new gf. I met her - she was lovely. Dcs got on well with her son and vice versa. They had weekends away/days out. Dcs were actually much happier at the thought of traveling all that way to see their dad. Also the gf was extremely understanding of my ds autism which was great.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. Ex sends me a message to say him and gf are no longer together. I reply saying that's a shame etc and is he going to tell the kids. He says he will at some point. I leave it at that.

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago (about 2 weeks since splitting from the gf) ex rings me to say he's found someone new. He's been with her a couple of months (doesn't make sense as he was with the gf a couple of months ago so most likely cheated - some never change ) and he wants to invite her and her 4 children on holiday with my dcs in August.......

1. Dcs still think he's with his gf - he hasn't told them otherwise.

1. Dcs think his gf and her son are going on the holiday they have planned for August. They booked it while they were together for all of them. Dcs are 'super' excited about it :-(

1. Way too soon for him to even be thinking about introducing someone new. Dcs will be gutted when they find out he's not with the gf anymore and they will no longer be seeing her son. I cannot see that introducing someone new so soon is a good idea regardless of any extra circumstances.

1. This is an important point: my ds has been having an awful time lately. He's been doing dangerous things at home. He isn't sleeping and neither am I due to constantly checking he is safe. His anxiety is through the roof. He's been making himself sick - physically vomiting. Mental health services are reviewing him as an urgent case. School are also extremely worried about him. I've been going through hell with him for the last couple of months. I have informed the ex about all of this and kept him updated. However he has never been involved in ds autism.

1. So after all I've said in point 4, it is not in the best interests of ds to go on holiday with a woman he's never met before and her 4 children. He won't cope. End of.

1. The new gf won't have a clue about my son either. How could she when even his own father doesn't really know what's going on? Her dcs are all older apparently. They won't be able to understand my ds. My son will not cope in that social situation. He's in a new place and new surroundings and then has 5 new people he has to spend every day with. Like I've said above, his anxiety is through the roof....he's 9 :-(
2. They will all be staying together in a holiday home. So no extra space for the dcs to have time with just their dad.

So that's pretty much it. When the ex told me his plan I stayed as calm as I could (I was raging inside) but said I would greatly appreciate it if he could consider the needs of his dcs first and that this was not an appropriate time to be introducing anyone new.

The next day I got a message from him saying I need to stop controlling the time he has with the dcs and he can do what he wants. That's his final word on the matter.

My response to that was that if the new gf and her dcs are going on the holiday then my dcs are not. And that was my final say on the matter. I pointed out all my reasons as I've stated above - there are a lot more but I'd be here forever and a day writing it all out.

Am I right to say this or not?

Sorry this is so long. I just want what's best for my dcs. I dread to think how ds will cope. I could cry as I will be so far away from him and there would be nothing I could do.

I know I have no right to say what the ex can and cannot do but I feel these are extreme circumstances and with all that me and ds are going through at the moment, it's just not right for him.

Post edited by MNHQ

I think you’re right, he’s not considering anyone apart from himself and being able to get his leg over while on holiday.

But I don’t think you can actually stop him.

No judgment here, I wouldn't want my kids going away with someone they hadn't met before. Their father should have been straight up with them about the old gf. Adding to that your sons current issue and I think you're making the right move tbh. Doesn't mean your ex will take it well though.

I think you are doing right by your boys .
But the shit storm from you kids and ex is going to be huge .
I would let your boys go . So that ex and gf see what you ds is like.
At the moment you protecting your ex from the worst of your ds. He needs to learn for himself .

It's my dcs I feel for as they are looking forward to this holiday and to be honest - my son needs it. But obviously they still think it's with the old gf and not the new one.

It just would be nice to actually have the ex's support through all this. And for him to actually be concerned about our son but that's clearly not the case. He's just putting extra pressure on me that I could really do without.

I just know I can't stop it though.

I think you're in the right here - your DS's autism is a big factor. It isn't fair on him to load so much new stuff on him at once. Your ex is being a prick.

I think you are totally in the right. This is a big change and he should not throw dc in the deep end. He needs to gently explain he and his ex are not together and then gradualy introduce new woman, not doing it on holiday. I think even without autism most children would hate it. My son is been going through the diognostic process for autism and i know it would upset him to have 5 people put in his space that he did not know. Could you ask mental health services if they would talk to him on behalf of your son even if its a note then he cant accuse you of being controlling. He is being an ass. Well done for protecting your children

I would agree with you wholeheartedly. Your kids shouldn't be expected to go and stay in a holiday home with 5 people they have never met, and 4 of these are older kids.
Hmm. I wouldn't really be happy with that. Why can't the kids go on a separate holiday with their Dad some other time. He really wants it all his own way.
Being all bunched in together in a holiday home is not a good way to meet new people, for anyone, let alone for kids to meet their Dad's new 'family'. He is making this other family his priority and his own kids are lumping in with that.

If they are holidaying abroad you can take a legal route, however you are better of doing it by negotiation.

100% agree with you, yanbu

@bookwormnerd thank you. I am very close to the senco at school and I told her everything this morning. She was absolutely gobsmacked and said she would email him a copy of our latest review which has everything that's been going on included. And she would add everything that ds needs now to get him through this hard time he's having. Which is basically lots of patience, love and support. Quiet time, routine etc.

Not a bloody holiday with 5 people he's never met before.

I will also be mentioning it to cahms as soon as we see them.

Thank you for your post - hope it all goes as well as it can do for you and your son x

What do you mean she can’t stop it? He’d have to take her to court. If mental health services are involved, I wonder how him planning on endangering his son by purposefully placing him in a highly stressful situation will be viewed.

I think you should show what you have written to all the agencies caring for and supporting your son.
They may be prepared to put concerns and recommendations in writing to your ex.
Whether he will take notice is uncertain, but it may be helpful to advise him that he will be responsible for any adverse effects or harm as a result of his decision not to prioritise his son's wellbeing.

YANBU. Just because he has moved on and got over his ex so quickly, won't necessarily mean your child will feel the same. They had a bond with the ex which is a really nice thing. They might, given time have the same relationship with the new gf but it all seems a bit soon and rushed. Espeically your DS with autism, I can't begin to imagine how uncomfortable the holiday situation will make him feel. The new gf also has 4 child, so that is a lot of new people to meet. I say stick to your guns, and if he isn't willing to compromise tell your children the deal with their dad and splitting up with his now ex gf and let them express how they feel to your ex. Until they know you can't tell how they will react or feel, he can't just expect to surprise them days or weeks before a holiday.

You're absolutely right, in my opinion. Far too soon, disruptive and chaotic. He's thinking only about what he thinks will be good for him.

As the new gf, I'd also not want this. Makes me wonder what her position really is??

YANBU at all op

I'm sorry your twat of an ex has even put your dcs in this position.

He's being completely selfish and not even thinking of the stress that it would cause your DS.

Stick to your guns

Children come first- if he can’t get his head around that then that’s his tough shit.

Can you tell your dc that there dad is no longer with his ex and they wont be seeing her or her son anymore? I know its not your place but if your ex cant be bothered to tell them then someone needs too exspecially if they are supposed to be going on holiday with them and looking forward to it.

I would also tell the kids that dad has a new gf and she may be going instead and ask if they still want to go if this is the case. If they say no then I wouldn’t send them.
I don’t think your doing anything wrong and the kids need to know the facts in a age appropriote way not just dumped in a caravan with 5 strangers.

He's being absolutely ridiculous! You are totally not being unreasonable!

Of course you are right and I think you need to do everything you can to stop your dcs going on this holiday or seeing their fuckwit father for a while

I'm so glad I've had these responses. Thank you.

These sorts of posts about new relationships come up all the time and it's always 'nothing you can do' etc but I feel this is so different.

Ex has read my message but no reply as of yet and I don't expect to get one either if I'm honest.

I have nothing against this new gf, I cant judge her as I have no idea who she is. I'd just hope she would understand where I'm coming from as she is a mother herself.

I think even if you take ds autism away - it's still wrong. I doubt many mothers would be pleased at their children going on holiday for a whole week with someone they have never met before.

I agree with you OP, your ds’s mental health needs to be priority, tell your ex that the kids won’t be going away with him and new woman this time as it’s way too soon.

God how selfish is he?! Completely mad to take them away with a STRANGER

I am usually of the view that it’s not for the other parent to get involved, but on this occasion I would tell the kids that he’s split from previous GF and that as a result the holiday can no longer happen. I wouldn’t necessarily bring the new GF into the discussion, just that old GF is no longer on the scene hence why the holiday isn’t going ahead.

Is your contact court-ordered?

Another person agreeing with you here. I would be raging, well don emperor for keeping your cool.

There's only one person being unreasonable here, OP, and it's not you. Your love and concern for your son shines through. As for his father ...