Ex introducing new gf - please read before judging....

[sissy89]

I posted this a few weeks ago and this morning came to a decision. Like I say, please read before judging me. If after you have read the following points and you still think I am in the wrong then I completely accept that. At the end of the day I'm just a mother who has her dcs best interests at heart BUT I do understand that my dcs have 2 parents.

2 dcs with my ex. Aged 9 and 6. Ds is the eldest and has autism - this is a massive contributing factor in all of this.

• me and ex split 5 years ago. He moved 2.5 hours away. I have since met someone else and got married. Ex sees the kids every other weekend. They travel to him.

• ex remained single in this time until last year he met someone. He introduced her after 3 months of seeing which I felt was quite soon but I know I can't stop it so I agreed it was fine. She has one ds - he's 5.

• all was going well with the ex and new gf. I met her - she was lovely. Dcs got on well with her son and vice versa. They had weekends away/days out. Dcs were actually much happier at the thought of traveling all that way to see their dad. Also the gf was extremely understanding of my ds autism which was great.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. Ex sends me a message to say him and gf are no longer together. I reply saying that's a shame etc and is he going to tell the kids. He says he will at some point. I leave it at that.

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago (about 2 weeks since splitting from the gf) ex rings me to say he's found someone new. He's been with her a couple of months (doesn't make sense as he was with the gf a couple of months ago so most likely cheated - some never change ) and he wants to invite her and her 4 children on holiday with my dcs in August.......

1. Dcs still think he's with his gf - he hasn't told them otherwise.

1. Dcs think his gf and her son are going on the holiday they have planned for August. They booked it while they were together for all of them. Dcs are 'super' excited about it :-(

1. Way too soon for him to even be thinking about introducing someone new. Dcs will be gutted when they find out he's not with the gf anymore and they will no longer be seeing her son. I cannot see that introducing someone new so soon is a good idea regardless of any extra circumstances.

1. This is an important point: my ds has been having an awful time lately. He's been doing dangerous things at home. He isn't sleeping and neither am I due to constantly checking he is safe. His anxiety is through the roof. He's been making himself sick - physically vomiting. Mental health services are reviewing him as an urgent case. School are also extremely worried about him. I've been going through hell with him for the last couple of months. I have informed the ex about all of this and kept him updated. However he has never been involved in ds autism.

1. So after all I've said in point 4, it is not in the best interests of ds to go on holiday with a woman he's never met before and her 4 children. He won't cope. End of.

1. The new gf won't have a clue about my son either. How could she when even his own father doesn't really know what's going on? Her dcs are all older apparently. They won't be able to understand my ds. My son will not cope in that social situation. He's in a new place and new surroundings and then has 5 new people he has to spend every day with. Like I've said above, his anxiety is through the roof....he's 9 :-(
2. They will all be staying together in a holiday home. So no extra space for the dcs to have time with just their dad.

So that's pretty much it. When the ex told me his plan I stayed as calm as I could (I was raging inside) but said I would greatly appreciate it if he could consider the needs of his dcs first and that this was not an appropriate time to be introducing anyone new.

The next day I got a message from him saying I need to stop controlling the time he has with the dcs and he can do what he wants. That's his final word on the matter.

My response to that was that if the new gf and her dcs are going on the holiday then my dcs are not. And that was my final say on the matter. I pointed out all my reasons as I've stated above - there are a lot more but I'd be here forever and a day writing it all out.

Am I right to say this or not?

Sorry this is so long. I just want what's best for my dcs. I dread to think how ds will cope. I could cry as I will be so far away from him and there would be nothing I could do.

I know I have no right to say what the ex can and cannot do but I feel these are extreme circumstances and with all that me and ds are going through at the moment, it's just not right for him.

Post edited by MNHQ

Sorry cross posted - just seen asking your son isn't an option

Your dad sounds a winner.

But if there's no court order regarding child access, then you don't have to let the DC go. Absent a court order, 'possession is 9/10 of the law' and you are within your legal rights to refuse to send them to ex's. He'd have to go to court to get an access order. Conversely, if the DC are at ex's, he doesn't have to return them to you. So, it's a double edged sword.

Time to see a solicitor, I think. It sounds to me as if this 'holiday' is probably the first in a long line of bumps in the road.

Oh, if you decide to go the legal route, say nothing to him. Just see a solicitor, get advice, and take action.

To be balanced, there are pros and cons. The ''pro" is that with no court order, the power is in your hands to let him see the DC or not. Here's the ''con", as long as he's not the type to take the DC and keep them himself.

Even if he said that he would go without gf & her kids-could be be trusted to keep his word?

I agree with you OP....

p.s. you sound like a very decent kind rational balanced Mother

I agree with other posters. You should tell the children he is with a new gf and there will be 4 children there they don’t know so you don’t want them to go away with people they don’t know. You need to out your children first

Wholeheartedly agree with your stance OP

YANBU - he is obviously not thinking of his son. It seems strange that he seems almost unaware of your son's issues.

I think he needs to talk to the children and explain the situation. How they feel after they have heard the news can be a factor in whether you feel you need to take further action.

OP, as the mum of a now adult son who's severely autistic I'm scared for your boy and the effect this will have on him.

Anything you do to prevent this holiday is the right thing to do.

My head is just wrecked with everything that's been happening at home

Without wanting to do that annoying thing offering daft suggestions when you've probably thought of everything plus even more of everything, do you think a thread on your son on the SN board would be of any use to you. Perhaps some of us have experience of whats happening at with your boy right now and we could offer suggestions you've probably already thought of whilst maybe offering some you haven't.

If it wasn't for the upset DS would feel, I'd be tempted to let both your DCs go and wait for ex to return them to your doorstep hysterical within 48 hours.

Email ex and tell him what you've told us.

No court order means yes, you can say no to this plan and he has no legal comeback.

He will be pretty nasty about it for a while just to save face. I suspect he is being nasty now just to impress the GF with how doting a father he is and to convince her you are an unreasonable, vindictive, uptight, etc harridan.

For the future, I think it would be a good idea to have the school email all reports about DS (and DD) to him. Also any doctors' or therapists' or SENCO, reports or assessments. That way he can't ever claim that you kept him in the dark, tried to take control over DS's (or DD's) education and treatment, or excluded him. It would also enable you to show that exH knew everything but chose not to believe it or abide by the word of people who know what they are talking about.

This will be useful if he ever decides (out of spite or to impress a GF) to take you to court to establish a visitation schedule that would force you to hand over the DCs against your better judgement, or establish PR in a way that would lead to harm for your DS. (He might decide that some sort of quackery would be better for DS than treatment by a MH/autism specialist, for instance, or try to block mainstream treatment or disregard HCP or specialist educator advice based on his disbelief that treatment is necessary).

It looks as if your exH will have multiple GFs and there will be many children in their lives before this is over. It might be a good idea to brainstorm with the SENCO about how (if at all possible) to prepare DS (and even DD) for this scenario.

I have a former SIL whose exH (exBIL is her second husband) went through four more marriages before his and SIL's children were 16. Many women and children came and went and they were expected to embrace them all, literally and figuratively. It was hard for them, and they were both NT children.

YY to the diary too. A great idea.

Scotland from down this way is a long way - they would be closer in France!

It they were not going far (a county or so over) then that would be one thing, but I think that you are best keeping your DCs home unless your ex steps up.

So the reply I've had back is: 'I've spoken to her, she's willing to leave her kids at home and she is still going to come'

Not responded yet.

To the person who suggested I contact his gf. I have already said to the ex in a previous message that I'm happy to talk to her. I really am. Problem is, I don't have a clue who she is.

I want everyone involved in ds's life to know what's been going on. His mum (dcs nana) has recently changed her number and I want to contact her so she's aware but ex won't give me her number. He still lives with his mum and dad so dcs are in their care when they stay.

Thank you for the advice regarding legal action - that was worrying me as I had no idea where I stood.

Agree with posters who say he will have frequent girlfriends. Though apparently this one is 'the one' so.....

I'm a bit gobsmacked at the reply I've got. Why does he not just want to spend the time with his dcs? That's all they want. Time with dad.

I'm an adult with autism and I'd really struggle with a holiday with complete strangers, even more so when I had no warning of it and had no safe space to escape to. And I don't have the same day to day issues that your DS is currently experiencing. I'd refuse to let them go.How is ex going to cope if DS falls apart? How will new GF and her kids cope? Be supportive or look on in disbelief? It's just not fair on DS.

Completely in support of you OP
It sounds like your ex is an ostrich about your sons autism and doesn't want to understand or accept that his son isn't like all other boys. He is unique and amazing but with his own challenges
My friends son is autistic also with an ex who is an ostrich about it and she ends up picking up the pieces after his routine is shattered or he's had a melt down.
This isn't about the new gf it's about the stability of your children which you have rightly said you don't want to be affected especially as they don't know they are going away with someone else!
Your ex needs a kick up the backside and to go onto an autism awareness course to help him understand what his actions do to your son when he doesn't have stability and routine!

@Nikephorus thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate it.

I had no problem with the ex and his old gf was going as I knew she would be calm etc handling any meltdown. She had a good understanding of ds (better than his dad).

When ex said they had broken up, he originally said his mum and dad were going to take the place of the gf and her son. Which again, I thought was fine. Nana and grandad are also not involved with ds as far as his autism goes but his grandad is great with ds so it put my mind at ease.

I genuinely have no idea how any of them will cope with ds during a meltdown or even just if he goes in a bad mood.

Ds also says things that are inappropriate - not horrible - but things that wouldn't be considered as 'normal'. Same as his mannerisms etc. It's just all so wrong

YANBU . Can you persuade your ex to attend a parents’ class on autism? Or read up properly? This is off the scale inappropriate parenting for autism or any child at all

@twiglet I've sent him links to courses he could go on in his area. Honestly I've tried so hard. But there becomes a time when you do just give up. You spend that much time dealing with the autistic child, it's so stressful. Thank you for your support x

Op you are 100% correct...thankgod your kids have you in their corner

Who's to say he's not lying about her leaving the kids behind? I would be very wary of this.

Your kids are lucky to have you fighting their corner op

@Shiteatusernames absolutely agree. I can imagine it, they will all be there and there would be nothing I could do about it. Even if he says none of them are going, I feel so uneasy about it.

If anything the response has made it worse. I had absolutely no idea how much involvement the new gf had in this but now she's prepared to leave her dcs at home, she's clearly not wanting to take things slowly and thinks it's appropriate to meet my dcs after a couple of months. She won't have a clue about ds which isn't her fault but take away his autism, she still is happy to spend a week with the dcs.

You can get a prohibitive steps order to stop him taking the children on holiday if he refuses to listen to you.

Tell him that a 'condition' of you agreeing for DC to go is that you get to talk to the gf yourself, to verify he's not lying about leaving her DC behind be sure she understands about DS's issues and how to handle them AND that you feel comfortable with her doing so. Then if you do talk to her make sure this gf understands exactly what a melt down consists of, what needs to happen to make sure DS is safe and to comfort him, and the fact that the ex is basically useless at it. In fact, I'd probably 'exaggerate the truth' a bit to (perhaps) leave her feeling it's more than she wants to be responsible for. I know I'd feel that way as a 'new' gf!

If he won't agree to you speaking to her, it's a 'no go'. Well, it can be a no go anyway, but he doesn't need to know that.

should read: AND to see if you feel comfortable with her doing so.