Ex introducing new gf - please read before judging....

[sissy89]

I posted this a few weeks ago and this morning came to a decision. Like I say, please read before judging me. If after you have read the following points and you still think I am in the wrong then I completely accept that. At the end of the day I'm just a mother who has her dcs best interests at heart BUT I do understand that my dcs have 2 parents.

2 dcs with my ex. Aged 9 and 6. Ds is the eldest and has autism - this is a massive contributing factor in all of this.

• me and ex split 5 years ago. He moved 2.5 hours away. I have since met someone else and got married. Ex sees the kids every other weekend. They travel to him.

• ex remained single in this time until last year he met someone. He introduced her after 3 months of seeing which I felt was quite soon but I know I can't stop it so I agreed it was fine. She has one ds - he's 5.

• all was going well with the ex and new gf. I met her - she was lovely. Dcs got on well with her son and vice versa. They had weekends away/days out. Dcs were actually much happier at the thought of traveling all that way to see their dad. Also the gf was extremely understanding of my ds autism which was great.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. Ex sends me a message to say him and gf are no longer together. I reply saying that's a shame etc and is he going to tell the kids. He says he will at some point. I leave it at that.

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago (about 2 weeks since splitting from the gf) ex rings me to say he's found someone new. He's been with her a couple of months (doesn't make sense as he was with the gf a couple of months ago so most likely cheated - some never change ) and he wants to invite her and her 4 children on holiday with my dcs in August.......

1. Dcs still think he's with his gf - he hasn't told them otherwise.

1. Dcs think his gf and her son are going on the holiday they have planned for August. They booked it while they were together for all of them. Dcs are 'super' excited about it :-(

1. Way too soon for him to even be thinking about introducing someone new. Dcs will be gutted when they find out he's not with the gf anymore and they will no longer be seeing her son. I cannot see that introducing someone new so soon is a good idea regardless of any extra circumstances.

1. This is an important point: my ds has been having an awful time lately. He's been doing dangerous things at home. He isn't sleeping and neither am I due to constantly checking he is safe. His anxiety is through the roof. He's been making himself sick - physically vomiting. Mental health services are reviewing him as an urgent case. School are also extremely worried about him. I've been going through hell with him for the last couple of months. I have informed the ex about all of this and kept him updated. However he has never been involved in ds autism.

1. So after all I've said in point 4, it is not in the best interests of ds to go on holiday with a woman he's never met before and her 4 children. He won't cope. End of.

1. The new gf won't have a clue about my son either. How could she when even his own father doesn't really know what's going on? Her dcs are all older apparently. They won't be able to understand my ds. My son will not cope in that social situation. He's in a new place and new surroundings and then has 5 new people he has to spend every day with. Like I've said above, his anxiety is through the roof....he's 9 :-(
2. They will all be staying together in a holiday home. So no extra space for the dcs to have time with just their dad.

So that's pretty much it. When the ex told me his plan I stayed as calm as I could (I was raging inside) but said I would greatly appreciate it if he could consider the needs of his dcs first and that this was not an appropriate time to be introducing anyone new.

The next day I got a message from him saying I need to stop controlling the time he has with the dcs and he can do what he wants. That's his final word on the matter.

My response to that was that if the new gf and her dcs are going on the holiday then my dcs are not. And that was my final say on the matter. I pointed out all my reasons as I've stated above - there are a lot more but I'd be here forever and a day writing it all out.

Am I right to say this or not?

Sorry this is so long. I just want what's best for my dcs. I dread to think how ds will cope. I could cry as I will be so far away from him and there would be nothing I could do.

I know I have no right to say what the ex can and cannot do but I feel these are extreme circumstances and with all that me and ds are going through at the moment, it's just not right for him.

Post edited by MNHQ

Good luck!

I think you are right to tell the kids yourself, btw. ASD children in particular need as much time as possible to get used to upcoming changes :/

You are definitely NBU!
You have demonstrated that you are not controlling or 'bitter' by being supportive of his previous reationship.
Please don't follow the advice to send your Ds so your ex can see the impact of his actions. Your DS's mental health is far too important to do this.
I agree that the way forward is by involving sendco and camhs. You are without doubt safeguarding your dc's best interest. I think you would have got the same response even if no ASD! And, I would also advise against it if the other family weren't new GF and her siblings - I mean even if he wanted to go away with a mate and his 4 older children were unknown to DS it would be a massive overload for child with ASD.
My dd is autistic and has extreme anxiety. I know exactly where you are coming from.

I completely agree with you and the position you are taking.

I don’t really kno what to suggest that others already haven’t.

Good luck OP I hope you manage to get a good outcome for all of your sakes x

I would go on a cosy family holiday with 5 unknown people... I don't have ASD and am an adult...

Christ on a bike.. He's an arse.... He's just wanting it HIS way, ignoring /minimising the very real problems...

And when is HE actually going to drop into casual convo with the kids that he's no longer with the GF they're attached to??

Also there's someone NEW that he's expecting that a) they'll like and b) want to go on holiday with...

C) And not be at all upset about absence of previous GF and kids who they're close to??

What a tool....

You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing...

YADNBU! And I bet your ex hasn't mentioned any of your DS's difficulties to his new gf. My middle DS has aspergers and, despite my DP (who isn't DS's dad) being hugely sympathetic, helpful and loving, he does struggle with his behaviour sometimes. And my DS isn't badly behaved, just a bit socially 'different', needs things done a certain way, regular routines, habits etc. Plus DP and I have been together for four years so we all know each other really well. I suspect the new gf and her children are going to be in for a surprise. What a horrible situation for you. Not sure what you can do other than what PP have said re. getting the professionals working with you and DS to talk to your ex etc.

Meant wouldn't go on cosy family holiday with 5 strangers obvs!

what a charmer-he clearly was cheating on his gf sounds like hes got form and now just wants to take his children off on holiday with 5 strangers

what sort of idiot does that

You can (and should) say that the DC won't be going on holiday with this new GF and her kids this year, but he can feel free to go without them.

Get prohibitive steps order to prevent him if need be.

You can't control what he does on his weekends, no, but I would suggest that you BOTH talk to them on a mid way hand over and then let THEM decide if they go back to his that time, or come home with you until they are ready to meet his new GF.

Explain to them that the decision is fine either way and that you are not asking them to choose, merely to be honest about how they feel and for them to feel relaxed and safe.

I also would really dislike going on holiday with 5 strangers as if we were 'family', and I'm an NT adult. YANBU.

Are they going on holiday in this country or abroad? If it was abroad I do think YANBU.

If it is in this country I still think YANBU, but there could be more options as depending on where they are going you could be close enough to be able to help DS if he goes and is distressed.

The problem is if he wants to take them next month he needs to tell DCs now. He will need to start with telling them of the break-up, then ease them into meeting new gf and then work towards the holiday. It is all a bit late though and it is unfair for you to do it for him.

What kind of woman agrees to go on holiday with two kids she’s not actually met yet anyway? Timing aside this would make me wonder what he’s actually told her or what kind of person she actually was.

My ex was talking about “family holidays” with his now DP and her children to my DS just weeks after he and the woman got together. Admittedly he was talking about it as being the year after however the children had not actually met at that point. Anything could have happened at that stage....

Fast forward several years and DS no longer goes there because of said DP, has no relationship with her, her children or even his half siblings who have subsequently been born.

@CornishMaid1 They are going to Scotland. We are in the south west so not necessarily abroad but it is a long way.

@Hissy Unfortunately my ds wouldn't understand what we were saying to him so that wouldn't really be an option. He would just reply with a yes or no without understanding what's being asked of him. The most difficult part of his autism is the emotional side of it. And if ds were to say 'yes I want to go' then the ex would take that as ds is fine about it when really he doesn't understand what's happening. If that makes sense? Sorry hard to explain. I have a feeling the ex is going to suggest doing this if I'm honest.

YANBU, not at all. Their dad has not thought of them. He should've told them about breaking up with his old gf and given them time to process it. Far too soon to be bringing in a new gf even if he had told them. You are right to protect them like this.

I would post in legal as to what legal remedies can be pursued. I’m a lawyer but not family. I would also suggest seeing a solicitor to see if you can get an order preventing him from taking them in place. Hope it works out for you.

@SummerGems no idea. I don't know what he's told her or what she knows. But it won't be accurate anyway as he doesn't understand what ds is actually like. I just hope that as a mother herself, she understands where I'm coming from. I'm not bitter or the jealous type - I'm happily married. No doubt he will if portrayed me as the villain though.

Having said that it does concern me that she must be open to this. When I met dh's dd and he met mine, we had been together 9 months. We took it extremely slowly with ds and dh was really understanding.

I would of never agreed to meet my step daughter after 2 months of dating. For dsds sake as well as mine.

Actually I mean we were together 9 months before meeting each other's dcs. It was well over a year before I met dh's dd and dsd met my dcs.

If only it weren't for the fact that your DS would suffer so much (and I agree, I wouldn't want to do it as an NT adult either!) then it would be interesting to let him have his way - I think it would be an absolute fucking disaster!
But it wouldn't be remotely fair on your 2 DC for that to happen.

If your ex has only suddenly become "hard line" about things, as in "this is the way it's going to be, end of" then I believe that the new woman has a hand in that. Maybe she's trying to get her foot in the door ASAP by forcing a blending of her kids with his - if that's true, then it's going to blow up rather spectacularly in her face. BUT again the worry is that your DC will be the ones who lose out, because if she decides she can't cope with them, then given the dilatory "care" your ex has for his kids, it seems quite likely that the new woman will end up pushing them out of his life by making contact difficult :(

I'm not saying this is a definite, but I've seen this sort of scenario play out so many times and it's often what does happen.

YANBU to want to say no, they can't go. If there was way of making that No enforceable, then I would use it if I were you, even if it's a doctor's note, not sure whether the courts can help you with this or not.

But OMG I feel so bad for your DC, especially your DS. :(

Sissy, just in case Ex digs his heels in and the children do end up going with him, please make sure that you don't allow him to blame you for it when it all goes tits up for him.

I'd put together a kind of handbook, mostly have a few pages that detail what his routine is usually, what his likes /dislikes/ triggers are and what might usually calm him or diffuse a situation. At least then you can say honestly that you did your best to prepare Ex for the inevitable meltdowns.

Yes - regarding the whole meeting/holiday plan.
The new GF either does not know or does not care. Both are equally concerning.
If contact is not court ordered I would not let them go.
Can you arrange an alternative holiday so they are not too disappointed?

Can you write out a hour by hour schema of what your last three or so days and nights have been like with your DS with autism. In full detail with all of the ups and downs. Do you think if the ex sees the level of minute to minute care DS is needing at the moment he will want to take him on holiday. It wont be very relaxing for him or the new GF and potentially quite scary for her DC if they dont have experience of kids with autism who arent in a stable situation. Do you think he would share the schema with his GF and ask her if she still wants to go given the level of monitoring and care that is needed. If he wont share it, do you think you could find a way of contacting her and discussing it mother to mother?

If this wont work, is your contact court ordered? If so, can you do something through official steps?

I'm usually one of the first to say that you can't control what the ex does on 'his time' so you just have to grin and bear it. But this is ridiculous!

I guess you have to balance what might (probably will) happen if DS goes vs how he will feel if he's told he isn't going. And ex will put that in the worst possible terms AND will use it as a weapon ("It was great. Mum wouldn't let you come", etc) for as long as he can. If you decide it's a 'no go', then do your research to find the best way to stop it, legally if need be.

If the worst happens, I'd suggest (if possible) that you have the cash/ready money to cover a 'retrieval mission' to pick your son up. I'm in the US so I don't know if that involves a day-drive or a plane trip!

YANBU. I am pleased, for your children’s sake, that they have you to offer up some stability. This situation would be horrible enough for children without ASD but factoring that in too, your ex is a selfish piece of shit. No idea why he even wants to drag his new girlfriend and her FOUR DC on holiday with them. Why don’t guys like this ever want time alone with their children for heavens sake?

I don’t know if there’s a legal route you can take as it isn’t a holiday abroad but I hope there is for their sake. Sounds deeply unsettling and you are doing the right thing.

We don't have a court order.

As for a diary, I'm keeping one anyway to show cahms. I'll happily show the ex this. It's sad, I've always kept diary's of ds as you need it for evidence. I've screenshotted things that have happened in the past to him and his reply is always the same....'well he's not like that when he's with me'.

That's all I get back from him. No concern. No nothing.

I've just rang my dad as I've got myself in a bit of a panic and explained it all. My dad is great, very level headed. He told me not to stress out. He told me he will make some calls regarding what rights I have - if any. He said under no circumstances should I let the dcs go. He also told me he will take ds out for the day so I can spend some quality time with dd (I think some thought I had 2 sons but I have a boy and a girl :-).

I do have a paediatric report from a couple of weeks ago that was sent to our local mental health service which explains everything that ds has been doing. It's a horrible read if I'm honest but I'm sure it would back me up.

I think your concerns are completely right. Even for most adults, going on holiday with another family they've never met would be stressful, so for children, who are upset about a break up, and throw in autism - it doesn't seem fair.

Could you ask him to Skype them and explain about the ex gf, his new partner and the proposed holiday. Then suggest the holiday to them and give them a choice (eg stay with daddy at home for a different week or go on holiday with daddy and his new gf etc for a week) and give them a few days to think about it and see what they say?

Also if he insists on taking them and legally you can't stop him, can you get in touch with the new gf to discuss your sons needs (as if hus father has no experience of them he won't be able to prepare her properly)