Ex introducing new gf - please read before judging....

[sissy89]

I posted this a few weeks ago and this morning came to a decision. Like I say, please read before judging me. If after you have read the following points and you still think I am in the wrong then I completely accept that. At the end of the day I'm just a mother who has her dcs best interests at heart BUT I do understand that my dcs have 2 parents.

2 dcs with my ex. Aged 9 and 6. Ds is the eldest and has autism - this is a massive contributing factor in all of this.

• me and ex split 5 years ago. He moved 2.5 hours away. I have since met someone else and got married. Ex sees the kids every other weekend. They travel to him.

• ex remained single in this time until last year he met someone. He introduced her after 3 months of seeing which I felt was quite soon but I know I can't stop it so I agreed it was fine. She has one ds - he's 5.

• all was going well with the ex and new gf. I met her - she was lovely. Dcs got on well with her son and vice versa. They had weekends away/days out. Dcs were actually much happier at the thought of traveling all that way to see their dad. Also the gf was extremely understanding of my ds autism which was great.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. Ex sends me a message to say him and gf are no longer together. I reply saying that's a shame etc and is he going to tell the kids. He says he will at some point. I leave it at that.

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago (about 2 weeks since splitting from the gf) ex rings me to say he's found someone new. He's been with her a couple of months (doesn't make sense as he was with the gf a couple of months ago so most likely cheated - some never change ) and he wants to invite her and her 4 children on holiday with my dcs in August.......

1. Dcs still think he's with his gf - he hasn't told them otherwise.

1. Dcs think his gf and her son are going on the holiday they have planned for August. They booked it while they were together for all of them. Dcs are 'super' excited about it :-(

1. Way too soon for him to even be thinking about introducing someone new. Dcs will be gutted when they find out he's not with the gf anymore and they will no longer be seeing her son. I cannot see that introducing someone new so soon is a good idea regardless of any extra circumstances.

1. This is an important point: my ds has been having an awful time lately. He's been doing dangerous things at home. He isn't sleeping and neither am I due to constantly checking he is safe. His anxiety is through the roof. He's been making himself sick - physically vomiting. Mental health services are reviewing him as an urgent case. School are also extremely worried about him. I've been going through hell with him for the last couple of months. I have informed the ex about all of this and kept him updated. However he has never been involved in ds autism.

1. So after all I've said in point 4, it is not in the best interests of ds to go on holiday with a woman he's never met before and her 4 children. He won't cope. End of.

1. The new gf won't have a clue about my son either. How could she when even his own father doesn't really know what's going on? Her dcs are all older apparently. They won't be able to understand my ds. My son will not cope in that social situation. He's in a new place and new surroundings and then has 5 new people he has to spend every day with. Like I've said above, his anxiety is through the roof....he's 9 :-(
2. They will all be staying together in a holiday home. So no extra space for the dcs to have time with just their dad.

So that's pretty much it. When the ex told me his plan I stayed as calm as I could (I was raging inside) but said I would greatly appreciate it if he could consider the needs of his dcs first and that this was not an appropriate time to be introducing anyone new.

The next day I got a message from him saying I need to stop controlling the time he has with the dcs and he can do what he wants. That's his final word on the matter.

My response to that was that if the new gf and her dcs are going on the holiday then my dcs are not. And that was my final say on the matter. I pointed out all my reasons as I've stated above - there are a lot more but I'd be here forever and a day writing it all out.

Am I right to say this or not?

Sorry this is so long. I just want what's best for my dcs. I dread to think how ds will cope. I could cry as I will be so far away from him and there would be nothing I could do.

I know I have no right to say what the ex can and cannot do but I feel these are extreme circumstances and with all that me and ds are going through at the moment, it's just not right for him.

Post edited by MNHQ

Lord knows who don emperor is, but he agrees with you too.

You are totally right. You are putting your DCs first and he is not. If he was a good father then he would understand this and maybe use the opportunity to have a holiday and quality time with his DCs not bring along the new gf.

I had this with my ex and he will think you are public enemy number one though I'm afraid. Mine split with his gf of a couple of years who my DD was quite attached to, then promptly moved in with a new gf some 50 miles away when he had lived locally. Ex wanted me to still have his contact at the new gfs house at for my DD (9 at the time) to travel on the train by herself to get there and then stay 2 nights in a strange woman's house she'd never met before. I categorically said no and was made out to the bad 'controlling' parent.

As far as I'm concerned, an adult that throws a tantrum when they don't get their own way because they fail to see how unreasonable they are being to their own children, is the one who is being controlling. They are reacting in a way that they hope will get the other parent to back down to get their own way, regardless of the affect on the DCs.

Stand your ground.

Someone I know did exactly like your ex - and no SN involved but some behavioural issues due to divorce fuckwittery from their parents.

We all told the parent who was hellbent on a Waltons Holiday that it was too soon to blend families for a holiday. We told them it would end in tears. Wouldn't listen. And everything predicted came to pass. It was a nightmare of a holiday and the couple even split for a while because of it. They are tentatively back together but it's shaky and a lot more low key. It's also meant that any plans to cohabit are on hold indefinitely.

If they had proceeded with caution and given the children time to process the new relationship and to gradually dip their toes into a blended family set up they would probably be living together and planning a wedding by now.

At the very least, if the holiday goes ahead with the children going, then I do think you'd need to tell them that it's a different GF going in plenty of time for the children to partially process the information.

He seems to want it all his own way doesn't he? Can't believe that your dcs travel all that way to see him - does he not get off the sofa and come to yours to see them? You say he has no input into your dd's autism. Why not? Is he her parent or not? Unebelievable by the sound of it. I hope you get this holiday issue sorted to your satisfaction. If there is absolutely no way you can avoid the going, can you go too? Grim for you, but you would be able to look out for the dcs. Alternatively, perhaps better, can you and the ex gf go on holiday with all your dcs. who get on so well? That way the children will not be disappointed. Their father can surely see them on some other occasion.

If I were you, I'd see what his response to your message is, then if he's still insisting on trying to go ahead with this selfish plan, see a solicitor. You're not being a "controlling ex", you're trying to safeguard your son. You were happy for the holiday to go ahead with the person your children knew and liked, but now the situation has changed dramatically. It is clearly not in your son's interests, at this time, to be placed in this situation.

If he won't be reasonable, you need to go the court route.

I absolutely would want my ex to see what his child is really going through and understand the challenges he faces as per Joboys post. But your ds needs stability and putting him through this holiday will hurt him far more than help your ex understand. You are totally doing the right thing to keep this idiot at arms length. I would do everything in my power to keep from sending my children into this shitstorm.

What do you mean your dcs travel to see your ex?

YANBU, I think you should tell you're DC about his breakup, ordinarily it wouldn't be your place to but it sounds like their dad has no consideration of their needs or feelings and may well give them no time to process the breakup before introducing the new girlfriend.

This is a lot more complex, as a parent you gave a responsibility to protect the welfare of your children. Your DS has complex needs that mean that protecting his welfare is quite different to the average child. Your DS is already having extensive intervention and you gave discussed this with the professionals involved and that have advised that allowing this holiday to happen would be incredibly unwise for your DS's mental health.
Really you gave no choice as a responsible parent, but to step in and say no.

@Mummyoflittledragon we meet half way on a Friday evening and Sunday afternoon.

He will travel to see them on occasion.

You say that your ex has never been involved in DS's autism - this is why he is totally clueless about this situation and how it is going to impact your son.

Why is he not involved in this? It's a pretty significant thing and surely in the best interests of your son if both parents are on board and working together?

@starspangledbanner oh I've tried believe me. I knew something wasn't right with ds as a baby. We were still together at this point. Ex had no real interest when I showed my concerns.

At the age of 2, the process of diagnosis started. Ex was convinced it was all in my head. I went to appointments etc on my own.

We split up - for other reasons - infidelity, not on my part - when ds was 4. He moved away.

I would always keep ex up to date with what was happening. Especially when we got the diagnosis- ds was 5.

The last couple of years I've just given up. He isn't interested. I told him one morning I was going to parents evening. He said he would ring me to ask how it went when he finished work - he didn't. Same as all the other appointments. He never asks. I do still tell him things but I get no actual response.

Infact last year ds was rushed to hospital with suspected meningitis. Rang the ex straight away and his reply was 'ok keep me updated I suppose' thankfully it wasn't meningitis.

He's crap. But the dcs love him to bits.

No judgements from me, I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.

The sensory issues of being around 4 older children with no respite space would have pushed my ASD son into a meltdown at your sons age.

You are not being unreasonable.

Shame about the exes previous g/f. It’s so nice when people can communicate like adults. I’m so lucky my daughter’s step mum is like this!

Could you insist on meeting the new g/f yourself before the holiday?

You are 100% in the right on this one. How he thinks this is acceptable is beyond me!

Can you trust him not to introduce the OW when he has the boys in his time before the holiday?

Oh I see thanks. I envisaged you driving all the way. Kind of you considering he moved away and his level of input.

@notthisagain83 well the word trust and him do not go well together but I think I'm going to have too. I'm not going to stop access.

@BettyDuMonde I would definitely be open to meeting her however the distance between us would probably make that difficult. I still wouldn't be comfortable with a 7 day holiday after me meeting her to be honest.

Thanks for the supportive messages, I just know the type of response I'll get back off the ex so I needed to have some support behind me. I know 100% I'm not being unreasonable.

My dcs are with me this weekend so I think I do need to tell them about their dad and the gf no longer being together.

@Mummyoflittledragon I just do it for the dcs.

You thought people were going to judge you for this? He's seriously booked a holiday with his new girlfriend and her kids, whilst your children are expecting a holiday with his old one? I am absolutely speechless. YANBU.

In the immortal words of Danny Dyer: twat.

Sure. I get that. 😊

I’m glad you’ve decided to tell your dcs. Hopefully they won’t take it too badly.

Even without one having autism it's unbelievably cruel.

The holiday would be much better spent getting used to the ex & her son not being around any longer.

To expect his kids to spen it with 5 strangers!!

Christ, there are adults on here who no longer want to go away for a weekend/on a night out because one other person who they don't know has been invited!

I think you are in the right on this one. You are protecting your ds.

I do hope he listens to you

YNBU. I wouldn't let me kids go. You are allowed to be controlling you are their mother and primary carer. Hope it all his well

Another one absolutely with you on this. The children have to come first, he sounds immature and completely self centred especially where your son is concerned, this is obviously going to make things far worse for him.

No way can you send your dc on holiday with people they have never met. It is not on at all. I am amazed he has even asked you.

Thank goodness they have you.

Oh I do realise how ridiculous and awful this sounds. I have to put him as a father to the back of my mind mostly as I just have so much to deal with ds. That's always my priority and takes up all my energy tbh. Especially just lately. My head is just wrecked with everything that's been happening at home.