Ex introducing new gf - please read before judging....

[sissy89]

I posted this a few weeks ago and this morning came to a decision. Like I say, please read before judging me. If after you have read the following points and you still think I am in the wrong then I completely accept that. At the end of the day I'm just a mother who has her dcs best interests at heart BUT I do understand that my dcs have 2 parents.

2 dcs with my ex. Aged 9 and 6. Ds is the eldest and has autism - this is a massive contributing factor in all of this.

• me and ex split 5 years ago. He moved 2.5 hours away. I have since met someone else and got married. Ex sees the kids every other weekend. They travel to him.

• ex remained single in this time until last year he met someone. He introduced her after 3 months of seeing which I felt was quite soon but I know I can't stop it so I agreed it was fine. She has one ds - he's 5.

• all was going well with the ex and new gf. I met her - she was lovely. Dcs got on well with her son and vice versa. They had weekends away/days out. Dcs were actually much happier at the thought of traveling all that way to see their dad. Also the gf was extremely understanding of my ds autism which was great.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. Ex sends me a message to say him and gf are no longer together. I reply saying that's a shame etc and is he going to tell the kids. He says he will at some point. I leave it at that.

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago (about 2 weeks since splitting from the gf) ex rings me to say he's found someone new. He's been with her a couple of months (doesn't make sense as he was with the gf a couple of months ago so most likely cheated - some never change ) and he wants to invite her and her 4 children on holiday with my dcs in August.......

1. Dcs still think he's with his gf - he hasn't told them otherwise.

1. Dcs think his gf and her son are going on the holiday they have planned for August. They booked it while they were together for all of them. Dcs are 'super' excited about it :-(

1. Way too soon for him to even be thinking about introducing someone new. Dcs will be gutted when they find out he's not with the gf anymore and they will no longer be seeing her son. I cannot see that introducing someone new so soon is a good idea regardless of any extra circumstances.

1. This is an important point: my ds has been having an awful time lately. He's been doing dangerous things at home. He isn't sleeping and neither am I due to constantly checking he is safe. His anxiety is through the roof. He's been making himself sick - physically vomiting. Mental health services are reviewing him as an urgent case. School are also extremely worried about him. I've been going through hell with him for the last couple of months. I have informed the ex about all of this and kept him updated. However he has never been involved in ds autism.

1. So after all I've said in point 4, it is not in the best interests of ds to go on holiday with a woman he's never met before and her 4 children. He won't cope. End of.

1. The new gf won't have a clue about my son either. How could she when even his own father doesn't really know what's going on? Her dcs are all older apparently. They won't be able to understand my ds. My son will not cope in that social situation. He's in a new place and new surroundings and then has 5 new people he has to spend every day with. Like I've said above, his anxiety is through the roof....he's 9 :-(
2. They will all be staying together in a holiday home. So no extra space for the dcs to have time with just their dad.

So that's pretty much it. When the ex told me his plan I stayed as calm as I could (I was raging inside) but said I would greatly appreciate it if he could consider the needs of his dcs first and that this was not an appropriate time to be introducing anyone new.

The next day I got a message from him saying I need to stop controlling the time he has with the dcs and he can do what he wants. That's his final word on the matter.

My response to that was that if the new gf and her dcs are going on the holiday then my dcs are not. And that was my final say on the matter. I pointed out all my reasons as I've stated above - there are a lot more but I'd be here forever and a day writing it all out.

Am I right to say this or not?

Sorry this is so long. I just want what's best for my dcs. I dread to think how ds will cope. I could cry as I will be so far away from him and there would be nothing I could do.

I know I have no right to say what the ex can and cannot do but I feel these are extreme circumstances and with all that me and ds are going through at the moment, it's just not right for him.

Post edited by MNHQ

Yanbu

At that age my autistic son (now teen) would have been so anxious he probably would have self harmed serious enough to be hospitalised

YANBU. I think what your Ex is proposing would be unacceptable for NT kids, never mind a child with autism.

You cannot risk tipping your son over the edge. I would say they are not going on holiday with strangers, it needs to be either just him or him and his parents.

Your Ex is a twat.

Hi, I'm not sure if this link will work but here's my previous thread regarding my situation.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3304276-ex-introducing-new-gf-please-read-before-judging

Ex basically wanted to take my 2 kids - one is autistic - on holiday with a woman they've never met and her children. This was back in August. At the time, he had only been with his new gf for a few weeks and he hadn't even told them he was no longer with his old girlfriend. My dcs thought they were going on a family holiday with the old gf and her son - very complicated. He basically split with his old girlfriend and then got with the new one straight away.

He did take the dcs on the holiday but his mum and dad went instead. The new gf definitely did not go and all was fine.

Last weekend, the dcs stayed at his, I FaceTimed them on the Saturday evening. DDs hair had been plaited and looked like she had make up on. I asked her who had done it and she said 'nana did it'. She's 6. I immediately knew that wasn't the case. I knew they had been around the new gf. However I left it, I wasn't going to pressure dd.....and also i was due to have my baby on the Monday and I didn't need the extra stress!

So fast forward to now, I asked dd last night if she had met daddy's new girlfriend yet. Her response was the following:

'Yes mummy we have, daddy told us to lie to you and say we haven't but we have and she did my hair. Daddy said it was ok to tell a little lie to you but I know it's not and I didn't want to lie but I did lie to you'

I'm not mad they've met the new gf. I am however, absolutely fuming that he's made my 6 year old daughter lie! His priorities are just an absolute disgrace. I've told dd that she's done the right thing and she should never tell lies and no one is cross with her - but she now thinks her dads going to tell her off for telling me the truth.

It's probably just my hormones and the fact I'm shattered from my c section but I just feel so upset by it.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense to anyone, if you read my previous thread then hopefully you can see what a hard time he has given me and what I've been through recently with my ds.

My ex just makes my life so hard

Oh I meant to start this on a new thread! Sleep deprived and have no idea what I'm doing lol

I suspect the issue here is that he doesn't wish to take the kids on holiday on his own, he is worried about coping. I think that's understandable. Plus it's not so great on your own, let's be honest.

So instead of losing the holiday and disappointing the kids, he's effectively drafted in help.

Clearly there is a communication issue, he thinks the issue is you don't want the kids to meet the new girlfriend, so he's told the kids to lie.

That was stupid, as was the wanting to take her four kids. I think though you need to accept he is not an inept parent who doesn't understand how to manage his son, because he clearly does, every time they stay with him he manages his sons autism, so I would consider bending here. He has compromised. Only the woman is coming.

No there is more to this thread now, Ive just done it wrong

Oh that would mke me mad, him making his children lie. Definitely mke a note of that. Your ex is going to be a knob long term isnt he.

I wouldn't let ex know that dd has told you the truth, just keep it as a secret between you and her so that she continues to tell the truth in future.

My ex has had numerous girlfriends since we split, some absolutely lovely, others complete nutters, most of them have kids and he's pretty much moved in with them all 🙄 I meet them and as long as the kids are happy, all is good. We just make jokes about daddy's latest girlfriend...

~🌷💕 Congratulations! 😊

I think it was better adding to this thread anyway.

I’m glad his parents ended up going on the holiday instead of the new gf (with or without her kids).

IF it were me, I’d text something like this...

‘You appear to be under the illusion I’m stupid, I’m not. As soon as I saw DD on Skype I knew you’d introduced our children to a new woman, but I chose not to put DD on the spot and I (clearly incorrectly) assumed you’d have the decency to tell me. However, as you haven’t and the DC haven’t mentioned her, I am guessing you have told them to keep it a secret. No one makes my children keep secrets from me. No one. It makes them HUGELY vulnerable to abuse etc from undesirables. If you ever do that again, contact will stop. I hope I have made myself very clear.

Then don’t make contact with him and no visits until he replies accordingly.

He really is a clueless twatbadger.

It is horrible to make a child lie. I would have to have a calm word about this. He really is clueless!

What a fuckwit. What a total and utter prick. Thing is saying anything to him won't change anything. He's a selfish twerp.

I'd tell the kids they don't need to lie to you, because you won't be cross with them and it's ok. Your kids know he's wrong.

i'm so glad the new GF didn't go on that holiday.

So the holiday was him, children & his parents?

I suppose that's something.

Making your daughter lie is so awful & unnecessary.

You knew that he had a new gfriend.

He was talking about a holiday with her so it's no surprise that he's introduced her so soon is it?

How has your son coped?

I think you need to tell him that you know & to please not ask the kids to lie.

Maybe it would have been obvious for example that it wasn't his mum's make up?

What annie said.

Yes the holiday ended up with his parents going.

Like I say, not surprised they have met the new gf. I know there's nothing I can do about it.

But it's just the lying part. I've just got no words to explain how I feel about that or about him.

Thanks for the well wishes regarding new baby - thankfully I'm married now so at least I don't have to deal with these issues this time round - dh is as fuming as I am

Oh and I haven't spoken to ds about this at all yet. It's been a challenging week for him - new baby and back to school. And obviously now meeting daddy's new girlfriend - so I'm not going to ask him about it right now

Congratulations for your new dd!

I’m happy to see that the new gf didn’t go with them. That was a good thing.

But the lying???
I’m wondering why he felt he needed to ask his dcs to lie this way.
Do you think we was worry you would kick off because it was too soon or that you wouod be against the make up?
Or is it that other th8ngs are happening at his house because your ds is ‘hard work’ (as in his SM is hard to deal with!) and his new gf has other ideas on how to deal with it?

You seem to be handling the situation well tbh.
I do hope your ds is coping as well as he can with the ole new situation (school, baby and new gf)

"Oh and I haven't spoken to ds about this at all yet."

I agree that there's no need to ask him about it just for the sake of it.

Does he seem upset at all?

Glad that the holiday went OK and congrats on the new baby

I'd be tempted to say nothing to the Ex, because if you do you have no control over whether he decides to tell your DD off for letting you know.

Keep quiet and reinforce to your DD that she's done the right thing, that she can always come and tell you anything and that she doesn't have to keep secrets from you even if someone else has told her to, because secrets don't count if it's between Mummies and their children.

I think I will just say nothing for now anyway - as hard as it is. My hormones would probably get the better of me and I'd end up getting too angry with him.

Ds seems fine to be honest, he's coped with everything really well. I just hope this new gf will try understand my son. Which will be hard seen as his own dad doesn't but anyway.

He is always going to be a complete and utter twat, I wish he was still with his old gf as she was lovely. She even sent me a congratulations message on the baby which was really nice of her.

Anyway just going to leave this for now, just had to come on and rant and Mumsnet is always the place for that!

Don't send them. Yes you can stop this. It will end in a shit storm but they shouldn't have to go. You need to tell your kids about the break up and explain to them how the holiday has changed. I expect your 9 year old will not want to go anyway given his mental state atm.

Go ahead with what you feel is right. Brace yourself for the follow up but you are acting in the best interests of your child. It's the right thing to do.

I am coming at this as a stepmum. My husband and I have been prevented from seeing his daughter for 9 years. It's a whole world of shit. But as a mother I believe you are doing the absolute right thing.

This holiday is not a priority for you and it shouldn't be for your ex either. As both of his parents your priority should be your son's mental health. And if your ex can't prioritise that then you'll have to do it for him xxx

Oh god sorry o should have read the whole thread!!

@motortroll I meant to start a new thread and tried linking this thread to a new one - didn't work lol.

Catching up on the thread.

Your ex introduced new girlfriend to the kids on the same week as they were going back to school and had a new baby sibling arrived, AND asked them to lie about it!

Even if one of your dcs wasn't autistic that's completely shitty of him.

Is he a bloke that likes to have a woman around to do the hands on child rearing stuff by any chance? That would explain his rush to always have the new gf involved too soon. Who would think a week long holiday with a woman they'd never met was a good idea for example?!

I'd not tell the ex your DD told you. Tell her you will speak to her Dad but that you won't tell him she told you. You need there to be that trust so she can come to you in the future.

In terms of your ex and his crappy parenting, he sounds very similar to my ex and I also have a son on the spectrum. At one point I DID stop contact due to my concern's over his lack of empathy for his son and odd behaviour. I was fully backed by my son's school (who often saw the fall out on a Monday after he'd been to dad's) and my son's disability social worker. Like you my ex has never played an active role in caring for DS or actively hopping on board the ASD diagnosis and acceptance journey. It's maddening and saddening but like you my actual child takes precedence, I've given up trying.

I'd consider halting contact for a short while. You could perhaps suggest mediation regarding your concerns eg asking the kids to lie about a strange new adult, lack of regard for DS's asd and how it affects his emotional well being, etc. With no court order in place you CAN do this, and it sounds like you'd have support from the people involved with your DS.

My ex (and his new wife) had to sit down with my son's DSW and she talked to them about it all. We than restarted contact slowly with short visits building back up to overnights. Ex is still rubbish eg he's still never taken ds swimming, still not been to any appointments meetings or parents evenings, doesn't involve DS in his new family eg their celebrations, meals out, etc - he's just lazy and selfish with little empathy. As my DS gets older he still likes going as he gets endless junk and screen time but he's becoming more aware of the contrast between what me and my DP do with and for him, and the level of active parenting from ex and stepmum.

Now that you know he has made your dcs lie about the new woman, you have some kind of tangible “proof” that he finds lying perfectly acceptable. Therefore it is easier to deduce his claims your ds doesn’t have certain behaviours when he is with your ex is also a lie. I know you appreciate this. I’m talking from a legal standpoint as I would have thought the more times you catch him out lying, the better.

Congratulations on your new babe, OP. You haven't put a foot wrong wrt your ex and his fuckwittery. I think AnnieAnon''s suggested text is perfect. It is important that he knows that encouraging the DC to lie to you is dangerous and why.