Frustration with 4yo at reception settling in day

[Bellyscreen]

My 4 year old is doing her settling in sessions at school this week, starting reception in September. She goes to the nursery there one day a week, has done since we found out she has a place at the school.

She cries every time I drop her off. She’s always been clingy/shy/lacked confidence, and although she had started to gain confidence over the last year when she started at a dance class, she’s gone right back to where she started - she cries when I drop her there too.

But today has just pushed me over the edge, because all of the children who are starting in Sept were there, a lot of them don’t go to the nursery, and they all looked happy, mine was the only one crying. I find it so upsetting, sitting here crying now because I just want the best for her and want her to have a good life.

I feel like I must have done something wrong for her to be so clingy and stuff.

I’ve got to say - by the time I pick her up she will be laughing and smiling, which should be reassuring but it is just so hard to watch her be upset.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that she isn’t ‘normal’?

If she comes out happy then don't react to her going in crying.

I do try my absolute hardest not to react, I really do, so I’m hoping I’m a good enough actor that she doesn’t see it!

It is upsetting seeing them upset but I bet less than 5 minutes after you leave she is smiling, laughing and playing. Talking to the teachers might help reassure you.

She is not the first child to cry over this and she won't be the last. It is not a reflection on you and you have not failed her in anyway. It sounds like she has some initial anxiety going in and that's ok, it will pass. Persevere with supporting her, help her to realise it is safe. Talk about all the positive things she has done that day. If you are feeling anxious too she will feel that from you, go in happy and breezy with her. She will be fine. It's all so much and they are so little! Best of luck.

If it’s any help I was that child, I was a big cryer, I barely talked and hid behind my mums skirt for the first 5 years of my life! I cried whenever she left Me! My earliest memories are of me crying on teachers lap! But it passes! I got into the groove! At 7 and 8 there were no more tears at school and I’m now a (reasonably!) well adjusted adult who doesn’t cry when left by anyone! They are just little for such a little time! Please don’t worry!

Dd1 was always upset at first - at nursery, at school, with carers. I think it's a lot down to personality type, more than what you do. Even as an older child, she still gets nervous and worried about parties, holiday clubs and the like, but is at last old enough to realise the pattern so she will stick it out.
She's only 4, by the time reception rolls around properly she'll be that much older, and soon she'll have a routine to be used to. Just make sure she's getting lots of hugs and reassurance at home and you'll all pull through!

My daughter cried every morning from September to October half term when I dropped her off but once a week when I was at work and grandad took her to school she skipped in with a smile on her face!

It is hard for you to watch but they will be fine, as the pp said, as long as she comes out happy then you have no problems.

Oh my goodness this is all so reassuring, I’m crying again now! Fruitbat, in particular, to know that you were like this and are now normal (ish, hahaha) is just what I needed to hear. I was always an anxious child and became an anxious adult (although I’ve changed a lot!) so to hear she can break that pattern is wonderful x

Ask the school.to let you know as soon as she's settled and that will set your mind at rest. That's what we always did at my school, it's not a big deal to send a text.

My ds is just coming up to the end of reception. When he started in September he went in ok, but by October half term he really struggled. He’d cling to me, hide behind my leg etc and a ta would have to prise him off me. By January this had escalated to screaming and crying when I tried to leave and eventually he wouldn’t even step into his classroom (just to point out he was having lots of issues with school at the time). In feb we agreed I would take him to the main office (rather than classroom door) 5mins before the bell and a ta would collect him from there. This has worked well, along with some other support he needed, and he is now happy to go in and enjoys school. He is excited for year 1 and I am hoping that by September he will go straight into his class like game other kids, but equally I won’t stress about it if he doesn’t.

Please don’t worry, the likelihood is she will be fine, and even if she isn’t school will have strategies in place to help. I spent A LOT of time stressing and worrying about ds this year and now realise that it wasn’t helpful, either to me or him.

Honestly don't worry op! I have 3 kids and the most confident and social of the 3 (by a million miles) is famous locally for his crying when being dropped off.

He goes into reception in Sept and the nursery leader said yesterday that she has been dreading it on my behalf!!

If it makes you feel better, I have a son who doesn't even look back when I say goodbye, which feels way worse.

Just accept your dd will cry/cling to you/howl on a bad day and that it is in no way a reflection on you or your parenting.

I was also this child throughout nursery and the first few weeks of reception. I have strong memories of it and even now walking past my old nursery gives me a horrible feeling. It was the strange new school that was upsetting rather than my mum "leaving me". When you think about it logically, asking a 4 year old to leave their mummy and go into a strange new classroom with new adults to learn to trust and new children to become friends with I think it's a pretty understandable reaction. However I also have other positive memories of reception when I was there and I grew to love school and make friends. It breaks my heart when I think of what my mum must have had to go through every morning for the those initial first weeks so I really feel for you. One thing that helped me was my mum making the journey into school "fun", she would let me take my scooter or my pushchair with a doll in, it distracted me.

Honestly - we see this a lot as new reception children start - some are naturally more wary and nervous. But they really do relax and stop almost as soon as mum is out of sight - it's uncanny! School might, is asked, send a message/pic with your permission to show her when she is happy so you are reassured? And don't forget, at 4 she will have matured immensely again by September from now - they change so fast!

Awwwwwwwww I’m getting all weepy with nostalgia... My teary eyed 4 year old starts college in the fall. Now she does improv and got a scholarship for performance art.

A number of those children you see were probably in day care/nursery care from a very young age. Of course they’re not upset, it’s old hat. Or they may have older siblings so they’ve been counting down the days to big kid status. They’re all different. Obviously your daughter has been happy at home with mommy, that’s the only thing I’d assume about a kid who didn’t like being dropped off at school.

I had to laugh a little that you’re worried she doesn’t have confidence. Four year olds don’t have anything like that concept going on in their minds. They have different caution/comfort levels with new things and neither way is better or worse. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess she didn’t randomly try to escape through windows, run out into the street, eat the neat-o looking powder under the sink? Those kids- cool as a cucumber on the first day. It’s just a different personality, not anything you did or didn’t do. Teachers know this and they know how to help her. She’ll be ok, just keep plenty kleenex for your trip home, mama.

As predicted, she was absolutely fine when I picked her up and had apparently had a nice day!

MMM3 - you’re right, how uncanny. She has always been cautious, very rarely done anything dangerous. My second is a bit different to that, it’s come as a bit of a shock haha!

Thank you to everyone who’s replied, it’s so reassuring (and not just to me, I’m sure there are loads of other moms in my position at this time of year, if anyone is lurking it might help them too). Some great tips to keep in mind as well, in case it doesn’t settle down.

DD2 (aged 9) did this every morning without fail til the end of Yr2. Only for me though - when DH dropped her off she was fine! Although it was really difficult, I just used to jolly her along 'You're going to have such fun today' etc then give her a kiss, hand her over and walk off. The longer I stayed to try to calm her down, the worse it got. I must have looked like the Hard Hearted Mother From Hell but I knew from the teachers that she was fine within 5 minutes of me leaving. I have to confess that occasionally I used to have a little sob in the car on the way to work. She's now finishing Yr4 and is happy, confident and doing extremely well at school. I think it was just a phase that lasted a very very long time!! Good luck and

Aww OP - don't worry too much. I worked in a nursery for a while when I was a student and there were loads of kids who would howl like they were being separated forever when their parents left, only for them to perk up and be smiles all day once on their own. Some kids just really struggle with the moment of leaving, but not with being left per se. I generally think the more swift you can make the drop off the better (while still being reassuring).

I see you have had some lovely replies OP. Just a question (and in no way a criticism) but is there any reason why your DD has only attended nursery one day a week?

My DS was dragged into his settling day by his headmistress, screaming “get your hands off me”. By sept when he started he slipped in. He’s just finishing his reception year and has had no issues.

There were 2 children who cried and really struggled in dd's primary 1 class. It was hard for the mum and the child but they got through it and both happy confident children soon to start primary 4.

I'm late 40s now and remember wailing at leaving my Mum for weeks and weeks when I was 5. I'm a happy soul and having a very good life!

I've also seen 4 kids off to school. None of them have been as clingy as I was but in every class there's children who do this and it's not always the most shy or the quietest, sometimes the most confident seeming children will be wobbly in the morning.

Its nothing you've done (as long as you don't talk about how much you'll miss her or express any concerns about the school)

When I was four and just starting school I remember being intimidated by the noise and general busyness of of school,
I used to cry because I found it all so confusing. I did become accustomed to it but obviously it must have made a big impact on me if I still remember that feeling all these years later.
I grew up to be quite "normal" 😀 by the way and have had a sussessful academic career. Don't worry too much, all children are different, and with a lovely, caring mum like you your daughter will be fine.

No other tips to add but just some reassurance. Mine was exactly like this when she started in September. Now I barely get a backward glance and if I have to pick her up early for anything she tells me off for spoiling her fun too soon

It took a good few weeks, but her teachers were great, very patient and now she is flying. And it makes a huge difference when they have formed friendships and go in together.

Don't worry she will be fine.

Those other children have probably been at nursery full time since the age of one. I wouldn't worry about it. Tears on the first day of school (and up to three months afterwards) were common when I was a child. If she isn't used to being left places it will inevitably be distressing to her, especially if she us delicate as you say. She will get over it, don't worry about it.

Guys, these replies are beautiful and helpful in ways I can’t even express.

Clark - it’s a long story... she’s been in a private nursery two days a week since before she was one and is very settled and happy there. When I found out that she got a place at this school, which is out of our catchment area, I got her a place in the nursery straightaway to try to get her used to the place, to having meals there etc. Doing more than one day seemed, at the time, to be too much because the days are long at the other nursery. I’ve wondered since whether two or three mornings might have been better, I’ll never know! But since starting at the new place she’s been iffy when I drop her at her ‘old’ nursery too, not as bad as the new one but not great either.

Sorry for the delays in replying, by the way, kids have been running me ragged