Frustration with 4yo at reception settling in day

[Bellyscreen]

My 4 year old is doing her settling in sessions at school this week, starting reception in September. She goes to the nursery there one day a week, has done since we found out she has a place at the school.

She cries every time I drop her off. She’s always been clingy/shy/lacked confidence, and although she had started to gain confidence over the last year when she started at a dance class, she’s gone right back to where she started - she cries when I drop her there too.

But today has just pushed me over the edge, because all of the children who are starting in Sept were there, a lot of them don’t go to the nursery, and they all looked happy, mine was the only one crying. I find it so upsetting, sitting here crying now because I just want the best for her and want her to have a good life.

I feel like I must have done something wrong for her to be so clingy and stuff.

I’ve got to say - by the time I pick her up she will be laughing and smiling, which should be reassuring but it is just so hard to watch her be upset.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that she isn’t ‘normal’?

Have you tried an object that she can keep with her, to 'look after' for you during the day. Could be as simple as a small piece of fabric with your perfume or another familiar home smell on, or even a calming scent. Maybe if you make 2 you can take one each, to remind you of each other during the day. It might help her to still feel connected to you during the day.

For some children the actual saying goodbye is the hardest part. I was a childminder for 20years and children varied with their reactions when they first came. If a child only cried for a short while, I would ask the parent to bang the door but not go out. Usually it was an instant stop to the crying. Then the parent would come back in and the child knew they had been rumbled.

Learning to cope with separation is hard but necessary. Harder for the parent who thinks about it long long after the child has forgotten. I don’t think there is one size fits all to cope with this.

You didn't do anything wrong, it is perfectly within the realm of normal for a wee 4 yr old to not want to leave mum.

My story is mixed in that my daughter reacted the same,but cheered up marginally through reception before practically becoming a school refuser in y1. Hysteria, physically clinging on, anxiety, crying on and off through the day etc. We withdrew her in the end and home educated and she has thrived.

Oddly enough she has just decided she would like to look at school again so we are going to visit tomorrow. If she rejoins her class she'd start y4 in Sept. Whole concept is really odd to me now, but we are being led by her.

Oh DD3 was dreadful, to the extent that one 'helpful' preschool assistant told me a story about how one of her children had to be dragged over the threshold of the preschool, vomiting, because she dreaded it so much, but 'she got used to it in the end' - DD3 left that particular preschool very promptly, after I told the assistant that preschool wasn't compulsory, actually, and DD3 wasn't going to be dragged anywhere .

But, what did work for us, was in Reception, her teacher made her a 'Smiley Isley' chart (her name is Isla) and she chose a crocodile face, and got a sticker for every day that she went in without tears. On several days, she went in crying, but the teacher came running around the corner of the school with her, within one minute, saying "Mum! Mum! Look!" And they'd both be grinning from ear to ear, because the tears had stopped.

In year 1 (yes, the tears were still there, she'd moved school....) what worked was a chart, and a reward for every 10 days without tears.

My youngest son was the same. I bought him a little wooden mouse with a leather tail, and told him it was called a pocket mouse. If he was ever worried he could put his hand in his pocket and touch it, and it would look after him. It worked. I just think some children, mine included, are too young to leave their Mummy at age 4.

Agreed. Oddly enough before #1 reached school age we said we'd home.ed until at least 7. That changed for various reasons but now at nearly 8 she may want to go again.

#2 is 6 and not ready yet.

I saw a cute little thing that might help - you draw a little heart on your hand and a little heart on her hand and when she looks at it she knows you are looking at yours too. Little connection for when you are apart. I like the pocket mouse idea too, so sweet. Seriously though, she will get over it OP, don't beat yourself up over it, you're not doing anything wrong, and her behaviour is normal. Hope the situation improves for you both soon!

I had twins

One cried one didn't

The one who cried had to be carted off by the teacher every morning

I had no doubts he would be well cared for and fine once I'd left (turns out it wasn't me ..... he missed his sister .....)

Deep breath - curt drop and run and she'll soon sort herself out

DS has been (happily) in full time childcare since he was 6mo. He cried on his first settling in day and first day of term having never been bothered about being left at cm or preschool in the slightest. He’s a very sociable chap it’s just a big change for them regardless of background.

I do take immense comfort in these replies - that it isn’t just her, and that they do get over it. The hug button is absolutely beautiful, I’d read something about putting a kiss on her hand, and we do that, but it’s easily forgotten compared to a little heart. I’ve tried letting her take a little teddy but I think it actually makes her worse - she was sucking it, which is something she didn’t even do as a baby, and that sort of action just made her feel worse - acting nervous just makes you feel more nervous.

Oh yes, we did a variation on the heart with DD2, who struggled with school for different reasons: I drew a series of 4 hearts, each smaller than the other, and coloured them different shades of red/pink. Then I stuck them on top of each other in size order, centred, and laminated them. Every day, she took them in to school with her, in her pocket. Whenever she missed me, or was anxious, she could put her hand in her pocket and hold my heart

dd2 is now 10.

Everyday at preschool she struggled a bit with drop off. She needed a teddy from home tucked into her drawer.
She was on site for her primary and had 2 older siblings and she had been in and out of the reception class all through her nursery year as we dropped off another child.

She was even fine on settling in days.
But through reception and year one she got more and more clingy, and the year 1 teacher had to peel her off crying every morning.

She found transition hard, and she still does, even though she is in other ways outgoing and confident.

One thing that worked really well was that she had something from home to keep at school. A tiny toy in her pocket, and teddy in her tray, a hankie in her bag. It didn't matter what, something to cross the gap. She was the same at birthday parties for years, cried before we went and wouldn't go, I would say fine, we'll drop by and drop of the present, we don't have to stay, she would arrive and then say - bye mum you can go now.

My DD is going to her transition day tomorrow. She's fine at nursery but doesn't was to go to big school. I'm dreading it.

Scrumptious - she might be one of the ones who are fine when they get there, I hope she is. But if she isn’t, I hope you take as much comfort from these replies as I have x

Thanks belly. Fingers crossed.

She reads your emotions and reacts to them.
You are deluded if you think you're a good enough actor.

I have taught junior infants in the same school for 10 years. Children that had to be peeled off a parents leg have stood up and made speeches at their graduation. Some settled in days other longer. But crucially they did all settle.
The Kissing Hand is the one I always read to them on the first day.

It honestly just sounds like she struggles with transitions.
Some children struggle straight away with a new transition, and others could view the transition (in this case school) as something new and exciting for a couple of weeks but then they realise this is something that's permanent they start to struggle with it.
It's totally normal and the best thing to do is just "dump and run" to be really honest. I remember dealing with one parent during drop offs who never left the child for the whole session (at nursery) because one day the child just had a breakdown and then the parent panicked, in the end we were essentially pushing this parent out of the door and the child was absolutely fine after an hour, then a couple of days later it was just half an hour and so on.
Is there any way you can get her to try new things more regularly? Even small things such as going to a different or playing at a new friends house. Learning how to cope with new stages in life is so important as everyone has to deal with them, from new classes to new schools to new jobs and also new siblings, death, and even puberty. The more they learn to deal with the small things young the easier it is as they get older. Good luck for the future and good luck to your daughter with school x

Thank you cheeselover - it’s been a long road to here, and those are the sort of things we’ve done. She has blossomed compared to how shy she was even as a baby, this is just a bit of a regression I think. If we go somewhere new she’s pretty ok, but she tends to be with me or DH or her grandparents, you know?

Ethylred - that’s come over a little bit harsh to be honest. I think I do ok, and I’m not standing there going ‘ooo I don’t want to leave you here’! I’ve had a lot of practice at this - she’s been going to a different nursery for 3 years so I’m used to just dropping her and running to get to work, I’m not doing anything different to that.

When my Ds started one boy cried for over a yr! Perfectly happy 5 mins later, lovely, successful, confident adult now

However, think etelyred could have pt, as u clearly are v upset about it, to extent of crying.

My DD did this and I remember how hard it was walking away from her with tears pouring down her face. She did it every single bloody morning from Sept to about May half term, it was a nightmare.

She's now 17 and a social butterfly, very confident and always out!!

Oh I'd forgotten the little note!

When DS2 (who loved having things in his pockets) started school I draw him a smiley face and a heart on a post-it for him to keep in his pocket.

We then progressed to having a button or two in there. Cheered him up.

With DS1, nothing was going to work so it was just a case of drop and run - especially run so I couldn't hear him screaming - it was awful . But he now goes and finds his old teachers in the playground to give them a hug....

The kids that are smiling now will more than likely be the ones crying in a few month when your daughter is skipping off merrily. A lot go through it and it happens at different stages. I've been there, in fact my child is still very clingy at drop off several years down the line. It can be incredibly draining but it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. You have to be firm but kind and be prepared to walk out having had the child dragged off you and the sound of crying ringing in your ears. I've been there and on the odd occasion I've phoned up to check on welfare I'm assured that everything was fine just minutes after I left and I always pick up a happy, smiley child (which is my own) at the end of school. Hang in there, you're not alone. Xxx

As someone who works in a Primary School Office take it from me, this is completely normal. Call the office 20 minutes after you have dropped your daughter off and ask them to check on her (I can guarantee they will be fine).

Also, as one of those kids, I can reassure you that she is fine. I used to throw myself on the floor, screaming 'Don't leave me' and 30 seconds after my mum had left it would pick myself up and join in with whatever all the other kids were doing!