Frustration with 4yo at reception settling in day

[Bellyscreen]

My 4 year old is doing her settling in sessions at school this week, starting reception in September. She goes to the nursery there one day a week, has done since we found out she has a place at the school.

She cries every time I drop her off. She’s always been clingy/shy/lacked confidence, and although she had started to gain confidence over the last year when she started at a dance class, she’s gone right back to where she started - she cries when I drop her there too.

But today has just pushed me over the edge, because all of the children who are starting in Sept were there, a lot of them don’t go to the nursery, and they all looked happy, mine was the only one crying. I find it so upsetting, sitting here crying now because I just want the best for her and want her to have a good life.

I feel like I must have done something wrong for her to be so clingy and stuff.

I’ve got to say - by the time I pick her up she will be laughing and smiling, which should be reassuring but it is just so hard to watch her be upset.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that she isn’t ‘normal’?

We were in this position a year ago. My son had been in childcare four days per week but got very clingy on the settling in days. I felt so disappointed as I was really excited about the new chapter in his life. He was better come September, and totally used to it by October. Now he loves school and wants to go every day!

She's just sensitive it's fine. There are some children who leap into the deep end on their first swimming lesson and others who have to be coaxed to dip their toe in the water. They just have different temperaments and each has their advantages and disadvantages.

I haven’t read all the comments but this might help? (I hope)

I saw something a few years ago about bracelets, the idea is you get one and your child gets one that’s similar. You tell them that when they are feeling sad or miss you they can look at/hold their bracelet and that you will do the same when you miss them etc. I think it’s supoosed to re assure them that there is a connection between you both when you are apart.

I thought it was pretty cute at the time xx

There was a boy in my ds's class did that all the way through the infants. His dm was so impatient with him, it was shocking. I'm sure he picked up on that negative energy and it just made the morning more stressful for everyone.

You said you are an anxious adult so perhaps she feels that and reacts to it?

My son used to go in quite happily everyday except one - the one day a week I dropped him off! You are not alone

If you feel she is crying because she dislikes parting from you then you have a smart child who knows she’ll miss mummy. Leave her something in her pocket (a particular colour ‘kiss’ or something) and reassure her you’ll return. Sometimes they just aren’t convinced you’ll come back and they aren’t as comfortable with the adults you’ve left them with. If you think there’s nothing wrong with the school then talk to her about her concerns and tell her you always come back and get her. Remind her you’ll be shopping/hoovering/something really dull while she’s there playing. Talk about her concerns with her. Reiterate the teachers’ names (as that’s a big thing) and have her there when you explain her concerns to the teacher so she sees this is an adult you trust. Good luck. Mine is similar.

Mine was like this when she was little and it was awful. I feel for you. She’s 21 now, attending university in a different country and enjoying life. It’s a phase which should pass - just try to give her as much support and reassurance as you can and get lots of feedback from the teachers so you know she’s ok once you’ve gone xx

Just another one to make you feel better, I was a right mardy kid, was so shy it drove my mum nuts because people would talk to me and I would just hide behind her and ignore them. If I went round to a friend's house after school i'd be crying for my mum within the hour! I'm now a nurse and I'm not shy at all, in fact I never shut up and will talk to anybody and I don't cry for my mum anymore 😂.
Also, my 3, nearly 4 year old is the one in nursery who paddys when he can't get his own way, is awful at sharing so struggles to play with the other kids, and he also screamed for months when we dropped him off, so hey look at it this way it could be worse 😂. He's an only child and so hasn't had to share, until nursery. I feel awful about his behaviour but, rest assured all of the kids have their moments. The nursery nurses will tell us he's not been great that day, then in the next breath tell us not to worry because they all have their moments.
Being a parent is a constant bloomin worry isn't it?!

It's all down to her being so happy and secure at home that she doesn't want to be any where else. Take it as a compliment!

Wow, I could have almost written this as you DD sounds a lot like mine!
She is nearly 6 and we still get tears sometimes, but as soon as she can't see me she is back to her normal bubbly self.
All I can say is to perservere and try not to get upset or annoyed with her. I know that can be easier said than done, however it helps!
Something that I have found helps my daughter is of she holds hands with one of her friends when walking out in. It just seems to give her that little a bit of a confidence boost that she needs. 🙂
You've got to remember as well that she is only 4 and going to school is a new experience for her, and one that is different to nursery as there are different sights, sounds and people around her. Xxx

P.s. sorry for the long reply!!!

Ds1 and 2 barely gave a wave but ds3 was terrible. He had to be peeled off me at pre-school (but not grandma) and still would rather be at home with me (even though I work!) I found patience and time worked. Initially I went to class gave him 10 hugs and kisses and then left. Then just one hug and kiss, then a hug and kiss at the door, then we parted further and further down the corridor until he went in the entrance with the other children. It took until October half term but was worth it. I think it is just his personality as he was always more clingy than the other two. It is tough though but it will get better.

When you say the children don’t go to the nursery, are you sure they never go to any nurseries? My guess are they actually are children who go to a non school nursery that runs 8-6 7 days a week. Mine went full time from one and started full time straight away without tears. But that’s only because they have cried 3 years ago.

It may take a week or more but your little girl will settle fine after a while. She will make friends and understand it’s part of being a big girl. Don’t worry and don’t compare. The trying to compare is where misery will stem. It will be phonics, times table, etc soon.

4 is still very young and you don't say how old the other children were. It may also be that they held it together on the day but fell apart at home. My twins were very young prems and at 4, I couldn't move without them and they were very emotional. I managed to start them at 5 after a lot of educating schools/councils on the admission code. the difference between 4 and 5 is huge. on day one, they walked in no problem.

don't be upset by her actions. they are afraid. think about how you feel going into a room of people that you don't know. it can be awful. adults can't have wobbles but children are learning. BTW there are still a couple of kids in year 3 who cry everyday.

You know what's worse? ... When they don't cry ... Ever!! 😂 I'm fairly sure my daughter loves me but she didn't even she'd a tear at 9 months old.

Both mine was never bothered about leaving me but plenty of kids was.for weeks when they started some kids cried and cried and to be honest I felt like a bad Mum that my kids didn’t care!! They didn’t even look behind...I was gutted!! Haha! What I’m saying is we will always feel guilty but they have to go and they will soon get used to their school life.just make the very most of school holidays because they are the best times!!

Some children are naturally clingy; some are naturally confident and don't seem to give a flying one when their mums drop them off!

My DC was, and still is to a certain extent, the former. I longed for years to drop off with no hysterics/crying/clinging but no, every time, I was the one feeling like the worst mum in the world only to be greeted by a happy, smiling little monkey several hours later!

I used to long to drop off at parties, where my DC knew every other child in the room as well as most of the parents but no, I had to stay for the whole thing. My DC would sit on my knee for an hour and then tentatively go off and play with friends for a while until it was time to go, at which point DC would throw a complete wobbler because they wanted to stay!!

Did DC grow out of it? Yes, by about age 6 or 7, DC would let me drop off at a party and then leave! Bliss! Now - aged 11, I was not allowed to attend the end of term play because I was just not needed! I was kind of sad but how far have we come! DC, who would not even speak to teachers for the first couple of weeks of reception class, stood on stage and had a speaking part!! My heart was fit to bust (I sneaked in :D)

So what I'm saying is, your little one will get there - they all do, don't worry. It is NO reflection on you as a parent, it is just their personality and it will make them a lovely, caring person in the long run!!

My daughter was like that at her settling in sessions in the summer before she started school. I was pretty embarrassed by her clingy behaviour too. She had been in nursery 3 or 4 days a week from 8 months old and in the last class cried every morning when my husband dropped her off.
However, by the time she started school in September she was fine and had broken the habit of crying. She was the first child in the class to get a certificate in assembly - for settling in so well, never cried at drop off once she was at school and really enjoyed it.
She has her Year 6 prom tomorrow and she is fine now. She is still shy and a bit clingy about new situations but has never been that bad since.

Mine were the same at nursery, clinging and crying. I used to hang around, that definitely didn't help. One day the helpers came over, took dd off me, opened the door and told me to get out. (In a nice way!) I also found that someone else taking them was great, no problems at all.
Even tho you think you're being calm, they know how to push your buttons.

When mine went to school, we had a few wobbles, but I found bright, breezy and no hanging about was the way to go.
Mine are all in their 20's now, holding down professional jobs, and they remember their school days with affection.
You'll be fine, and so will she.

DH took her to her settling in session at the school yesterday... she was fine until they got to the door, then went all scared, and when he tried to leave burst into tears and tried to cling on to him.

She’s even cried at her regular nursery today, she really didn’t want me to leave! I’m going to try the hug button at dance class tomorrow.

These replies are so reassuring and I think I’ll be returning to this thread a lot in the coming months!

We went to her nursery parents evening last night and she’s completely where she should be in her development, she’s very bright, loud and imaginative. I just need to support her through this.

She’s only got another 3 days at nursery before she finishes for good over the summer, and two days at school. Then she’ll have a summer to hopefully forget she ever cried

As a reception teacher of many years, I have seen this scenario many times. She is responding to your anxiety and will have stopped crying by the time you have left the playground. The fact that she comes out of class at the end of the day happy and laughing should be reassuring. Ask her teacher how she is during the day, I’m sure you will be told that she is fine. Could someone else take her to school for a few days to break the habit of tears?

It is so horrible when this happens. My DD2 is older now, but was exactly like this when she started pre-school and I used to sit in the cloakroom listening to her sob and feeling absolutely dreadful. It probably went on for a good couple of months until she settled in. But she did get past it, and has absolutely loved school ever since. I think with her, she very much wears her heart on her sleeve - but sometimes that helps, as at least you do know how they feel and can work with it. My DD1 is much more reluctant to express things and tends to bottle them up - which can be a lot harder to deal with.

Ds2 was like that. He went in perfectly fine whenever his dad took him in though.

Op my friends dd was just like your dd she cried every day for about 2/3 months.

She’s now 19, has back packed around the world, is going to unt with my dds in sept.

She’s one of the most confident nice outgoing well adjusted kids I know.

Take heart

My DD is in Y2 (about to move to Y3) - she's been fine since day one of reception, but has a friend who has cried every single morning when her mum drops her off. She also cries if there are any open days/events where parents can come in. Her mum is fed up with it, but also gets upset that her DD is upset! Apparently the child is absolutely fine in the classroom within 5 minutes.
She's hoping that Y3 will bring change!