Frustration with 4yo at reception settling in day

[Bellyscreen]

My 4 year old is doing her settling in sessions at school this week, starting reception in September. She goes to the nursery there one day a week, has done since we found out she has a place at the school.

She cries every time I drop her off. She’s always been clingy/shy/lacked confidence, and although she had started to gain confidence over the last year when she started at a dance class, she’s gone right back to where she started - she cries when I drop her there too.

But today has just pushed me over the edge, because all of the children who are starting in Sept were there, a lot of them don’t go to the nursery, and they all looked happy, mine was the only one crying. I find it so upsetting, sitting here crying now because I just want the best for her and want her to have a good life.

I feel like I must have done something wrong for her to be so clingy and stuff.

I’ve got to say - by the time I pick her up she will be laughing and smiling, which should be reassuring but it is just so hard to watch her be upset.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that she isn’t ‘normal’?

You sound like you were embarrassed. So what if she was the one who was upset? That’s her.

My ds did the same and I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. In the end I gave him a massive hug and bribed him.

It was fine and he started his first day of school wth not a jot of a problem.

I guess I was a little embarrassed - maybe the culmination of the thousand times she’s been clingy and not wanted to join in, too scared to go in the soft play, you know?

And Clark - thanks for wording your question so kindly, I understand why you’re asking x

DD cried every day at drop off for 3 years, all the way through reception and infants.
It was awful, but in the end I had to drop and run otherwise it would make her worse if I tried to calm her down, she would just cry more
She’s just about to leave year 6 now, she’s still quite shy in new situations but not as many tears thank goodness!

Dd1 was that child. Cried at school drop off until year 2. Eventually I got my mum to do some drop offs and Presto! The problem was solved. No idea why. Can someone else drop her off for a few days to break the cycle? It worked for us.

Mine was fairly timid at settling in (despite being in nursery since she was 9 months, full time 9-5 from 2.5). I felt much the same. Why mine seemed so shy when the others didn’t? Come first day of school, mine was mostly okay with some encouragement. The others that had been so confident had to be peeled off their parents by the TA. It’s a big transition. Some days will be harder than others and everyone goes through it. Some still at winter holidays while mine went bounding in the school gates. It will get easier, just keep doing what you’re doing.

Some have a wobble at the start, some a few weeks later. Most of them will have a wine at some point though. It is horrid for you when it happens but you get the worst of it

DS4 is like this, cries or gets a bit clingy at drop off, but loves his time there, has great friends and always comes out smiling and full of stories about his "fantastic" day.

He's just that little bit anxious about the separation. Wasn't in childcare before school and generally approaches new situations with a lot of caution. But otherwise is a very happy, smiley and chatty little boy!
It's just her personality, hopefully won't last forever, and definitely isn't a reflection on you as her mum.

Tbh for some kids this reaction is totally normal even at the start of year one. Change is hard, even for adults, and we all react differently.

Bauble - another great idea. I’ve already said to my husband that I can’t do them all purely because it’s so upsetting, and we’re gojng to work something out. And my father in law will be taking her twice a week when she starts reception in September. But I hadn’t really thought that way, that it might ‘reset’ her.

She really did have a lovely morning - and when we left she was making a new little friend and running and playing. It really is the drop off that seems to be the problem, which I know makes it a lot less of a problem.

You're being reasonable to worry about it but this is very very very normal! I'm surprised your DD is the only one in this position.

It really does change - maybe quickly, maybe not. Try not to be frustrated or show it at all. There's nothing you can do to speed this process up. (But you could possibly slow it down by worrying her - you need to be very calm, very loving, very matter of fact).

DS1 was a clinger and and crier. Had to abandon any thoughts of playgroup and he would cry at the childminder every single time I went to work. At school he did nursery for a year, five days a week and then reception and on.

He cried every day until at least the end of reception and sometimes after that, especially after school holidays. And then it stopped. He was still cautious and avoided scary situations like rollercoasters at Disney that his younger brother would race to get on. But gradually he changed and by the time he was about ten he was really very confident.

By secondary school he was totally comfortable in pretty much any situation and now he’s an extremely confident young man, living abroad whilst working in a client facing, highly competitive profession. He was head hunted for the role.

So children can and do change. I would never have believed it of him. Find a friendly Mum or two and hover outside and ask them to report when she stops crying. I’m almost sure it’s not long at all. The moment of separation is just too intense for some children. And that’s fine ( though awful for you).

Gentle hug.

Yep my DD was the same and huge melt downs when walking home after school from utter overload. She’s August born youngest in year cried most mornings till mid way through year 1 (18mths of drop offs) then like a switch she suddenly started to find her feet and by mid year 2 waving me off at the gate (not even in the playground). I’m expecting a slight regression when she goes into year3 in sept as her big sister will be off to the secondary school so no longer both at the same school. My fingers are tightly crossed. I’ve kept persisting with activities outside school like swim lessons and gym etc as she still displays aniexty in unknowns situations but it’s getting better very slowly. As someone said to me confidence is like a muscle the more you use it the stronger it gets, she has needed a lot more support than my eldest child though. Just different personalities The school are very used to it and should work with you and your child if it continues to be a issue, mine earnt jigsaw pieces each day for happier drop off and made a picture by Friday with a sticker etc...

My dd was the same. Cried every time I left her at home with dh. Cried every day in reception and through most of yr1 and regularly in yr2. For years I had to walk to the door holding her hand. Then at the end of yr 3 just before she turned 8 it all changed.

I thought it would never end. But now at 10 dd is very happy not to be with me. Much as it was frustrating and upsetting I miss those days.

If it's any help I used to cry and cry every time my DM dropped me off for nursery. She felt so guilty.

Until the time we were sat at home and I cheerfully asked her if she knew nursery was still open on the days she didn't send me so could I still go on those days, instead of going on holiday with her and Daddy?

Apparently at that moment the guilt ended. I was also told to quit with the tears in the mornings

OP don't stress. You don't see many 30 year olds crying to their mum outside the office in the morning. She's 4, and you're doing an amazing job. She'll grow out of it, and will soon be going in without so much as giving you a wave goodbye (like my ds does now 😖). Keep your chin up!

Forgot to add. Dd was ok in the baby dance class. Then when she went up a dance class at the start of school she couldn’t cope and she stopped for 18 months. A couple of years later changed dance schools and has just had exams. Last weekend she had a melt down she wanted to stop dancing even though she loves it. We went early and discussed it with her teacher. She’s fine now. Doesn’t do well change. Anxious at the start of the school year although every year she’s getting less upset.

Here children start school when they're 3.

All through the year there are children who cry or cling at dropoff.

Most stop by October half term. Some have random wobbles in the year which can be connected to other events (e.g. A house move).

DS1 cried and threw up every day for 3 months. It was horrendous. Another little boy had to be peeled off the doorframe that he'd clung on to...

They all enjoy school when they're there. And now aged 6 they run off without a backward glance.

DS2 cried for weeks. We had to make his Grandma a star chart so he could give her a star everyday she picked him up (he was convinced she wouldn't come). His teacher was lovely and kept reassuring us he was fine once we left. We were quite blasé having gone through DS1 and his throwing up!

This time last year I left a sobbing DS at his taster day. Now he complains when it’s Saturday and he doesn’t go to school.

You will both be fine, please don’t beat yourself up.

My dd was like this! She cried every morning for weeks even though she liked being there. But it gets so upsetting.

The only thing that worked for my dd and it worked instantly was something I saw doing the rounds on facebook. It was the hug button idea. I'd say this is worth a try for you www.google.co.uk/amp/s/the-motherload.co.uk/the-hug-button/amp/

What's your routine as you walk up, are you tense waiting for it to start?
If so start new routines
Park somewhere different
Sing daft songs in the car
Talk about all the nice things she'll do later when you pick her up
Don't get there too early
Quick kiss and off she goes.

And Clark - thanks for wording your question so kindly, I understand why you’re asking x

Kids can be funny, complex little buggers My elder DD is also very sensitive OP. She didn't have settling in problems in reception but when she started in year 1, for the first term, it was a struggle every morning. She just couldn't adjust to the difference in work, teacher etc. She soon got up to speed and has been perfect ever since.

Take comfort in these replies.

Some children who seem ok and happy now will crack on the first day, some will crack on the 3rd week. Most of them wobble at some point. Yours might be getting all the emotion turmoil out the way now.

Some of the other DC will be well used to different settings, some will have siblings at school at be completely at ease there.

I guess in out adult minds we think because she is familiar with nursery she will settle well in Reception. Its a reasonable assumption.

Children dont really think or feel like this.

Good Luck. I'm sure all will be well with a lovely mum.