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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think 'pescatarian' dd's wishes don't trump everyone else's?

150 replies

Dragonniamh · 10/07/2018 07:54

I have three dc - a ds who will eat anything, and two dds who have always been much fussier. Dd1 hates fish, dd2 has always hated meat and a few years ago started calling herself a pescatarian.

The issue is that we're currently on holiday, and while looking for somewhere to eat lunch, we came across one restaurant that only served fish. Dd2 decided she wanted to go there, as they had things she could eat (in addition to the not eating meat, she's also a very fussy eater). But dd1 didn't want to go there, as she hates fish.

Dd2 said that as she was a 'pescatarian', while dd1 is just a fussy eater, her needs should come before dd1's. Dd1 pointed out that dd2 is no different to her - there was no ethical reason behind her choice not to eat meat, it was based purely on taste, and why should her wishes trump dd1's just because there's a name for her diet?

When I said that we would look for somewhere else to eat, where they could both find something they liked, dd2 accused me of always siding with dd1. WIBU?

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 10/07/2018 14:16

That seems to be pretty much the situation here Plants - DD2 just doesn't like meat. I'm the opposite, don't like fish taste/texture. But there's no neat name for that which aligns with an ethical stance, which is what DD2 is now trying to do by saying her dietary preference isn't just fussiness when in reality, it is.

Juells · 10/07/2018 14:47

I don’t understand why you as a parent thought it would even be an idea to go there knowing one of your children wouldn’t be able to eat

All is well. The OP didn't go there.

A lot of posters sound quite mean and overbearing to their children :( If you want to have children who grow up into nice adults, you need to be nice to them as well. I can't see that what either child is doing is that awful, but the disapproval is definitely being directed mainly at DD2.

I was accused of being fussy for not eating porridge as a child, but it always gave me a pain in my belly an hour later. Same with my sister, she has IBS which improves greatly if she cuts down on bread and pasta. Children may not be able to articulate why they don't want to eat something, but maybe they're not just being awkward.

MadMags · 10/07/2018 14:55

Being a pescatarian because you happen not to like the taste of meat is different to taking a moral stance though, isn’t it?

So no need to pander to such a preference and not to another.

OliviaStabler · 10/07/2018 15:19

I can't see that what either child is doing is that awful, but the disapproval is definitely being directed mainly at DD2.

Because DD2 wanted to eat at a restaurant that served only 3 dishes and each of them is fish, which DD1 does not eat. So she was very much 'I'm alright jack' not caring that her sister could not eat any of the food served there. That is a very selfish attitude to take so no wonder she is getting the flack on this thread.

MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2018 15:26

Children may not be able to articulate why they don't want to eat something, but maybe they're not just being awkward.

That's fair for a small child, but these are teenagers!

I don't think anyone should be made to eat anything they don't want to, but I do think that once you've reached your teens it's reasonable to expect you to take on the inconvenience of your dietary choices for yourself rather than expecting everyone around you to.

Cath2907 · 10/07/2018 15:31

Most places will have a couple of veggie options. This means the pescatarian can eat the veggie option in any restaurant as can the non-fish eating omnivore in the fish restaurant.

The issue here is fussiness rather than the pescatarianism. Personally I'd choose a restaurant that suits the family generally and then tell them to stop being so fussy. This might mean occasionally eating in a fish based place but mostly I'd pick somewhere more general.

Myotherusernameisbest · 10/07/2018 15:37

I am so glad I didn't entertain this when mine were little. Of course they started doing the whole, 'I dont like it' with anything new but it was ignored and they either ate it or didnt eat it.

They are still alive I'm glad to say and as teens will now eat pretty much anything.

I feel for you op, but dd2 was being selfish on this occasion. Perhaps over the next few years they will outgrow thier fussiness

Graphista · 10/07/2018 16:25

I'd be VERY surprised if a restaurant ONLY served fish. I'm a veggie past 30 years, even when on holidays back in the 80's/90's in other countries at "fish restaurants" it meant they specialised in fish but not that this was all they served.

Was there REALLY absolutely nothing dd1 could have had? Any dish that could have been requested sans fish but still provided a meal?

And if you're completely honest - DO you favour dd1? If she's the fussiest does that mean you're always accommodating her to the detriment of others?

I'd go with taking it in turns to choose as long as the restaurant chosen has SOMETHING everyone can eat.

"Take it in turns to choose. Otherwise the fussiest always gets their way and everybody else is limited." Yes can absolutely see this happening.

And yes - once in a while only getting chips and a salad won't do dd1 any harm.

A restaurant with only 3 options? Nah not buying it - what were the dishes? Also not buying no suitable sides which dd1 could have a few of.

Both more than old enough to be told fussiness for no good reason (oral issues, Sen, intolerances, ethics & religion aside) is ridiculous and selfish.

How old is ds? Could 2 go to one restaurant and 2 to another?

"If he can digest tuna he can digest chicken imo." - seconding the call to tell him NOT to claim he is vegetarian because he isn't, but on the digestion he is right. I have found by happenstance since becoming veggie for ethical reasons that even a hint of red meat or products eaten accidentally upsets my stomach. I was also a geriatric nurse for several years and the reason fish is popular for sick people and the elderly is because it's high protein but easy to digest. It's due to less connective tissue and less fat.

"I know plenty of other ex-veggies who found the same thing." I know plenty who found the opposite - that they had to reintroduce meat proteins gradually working up to red meat. And I've known plenty of people as they age gradually eating less red meat, sometimes eventually giving it up altogether, some who've had to give up on poultry too and become essentially pescatarian purely through digestion & ageing issues.

Lot of people assuming there's another adult - I haven't seen anything in OP'S posts to show that, so op is it just you and 3 DC? So yes, but is Iceland a particularly dangerous place? I'd have thought dd2 and ds (how old is he?) could go to fish restaurant while you and dd1 go elsewhere nearby.

"and only in the last ten years or so I’d say that that view has been revised" nope - I've been veggie 30 years and only rarely have people idiots thought that inc fish.

Mummyoflittledragon - supposedly term for your mum would be flexitarian - but that generally applies to people who keep meat eating to a minimum for environmental ethics.

No pescatarian dd shouldn't trump dd1 ALL the time but I think for ONE meal her maybe just having chips and a dessert won't kill her. Dd1 doesn't get to trump either!

Dd1 won't eat fish or cheese - what else won't she eat? When did the fussiness start and do you know why? It is rather starting to sound like you pandered to perhaps toddler fussiness? Must admit I'm also wondering why you chose Iceland with a child that won't eat fish!

Not everyone who is veggie, pescatarian or even vegan does so due to animal cruelty ethics. Some do due to intolerances, some due to environmental ethics, some have textural issues with certain foods, some just don't like certain foods, sometimes it's a disguise for having an eating disorder.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/07/2018 17:17

I know that when I was growing up it was fairly widely recognised that vegetarians ate fish as well

Eh? Actual vegetarians have never eaten fish. That's not the definition of a vegetarian. Confused

Believeitornot · 10/07/2018 17:24

No one should “trump” anyone else’s needs.

If you show respect for each other’s preferences then you’ll end up with respectful adults. If you trample over one and judge one to be more “worthy” than another or call one “fussy”, then you’ll end up with resentful adults.

My dd is fussy. I think it’s linked to large tonsils - she gets genuinely upset as food gets stuck (and the doctor has commented on her tonsils) plus she has an extremely strong sense of taste/smell so she doesn’t like strong flavours.

So we respect it. We would find somewhere where we all can find something to eat and wouldn’t get into a discussion about one person’s preferences taking precedent over another.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/07/2018 17:38

@Dragonniamh - I think you were not at all unreasonable, and you need to be clear with dd2 that it is very unreasonable of her to want to go to a restaurant where there is nothing for her sister to eat - just as it would be unreasonable for dd1 to insist on eating somewhere that only served meat. She needs to learn the art of compromise.

glamorousgrandmother · 10/07/2018 18:11

@Graphite as I said up thread I think I have been to that restaurant in Reykjavik it does not serve anything except fish. Maybe fried fish, fish pie, fish stew no sides except chips and no dessert except ice cream. It was three years ago but I remember that was basically it. We went several times, it was great.

glamorousgrandmother · 10/07/2018 18:13

@Graphista not Graphite.

FrancisCrawford · 10/07/2018 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Graphista · 10/07/2018 18:40

Well op hasn't yet confirmed it was that restaurant. Even if it is I think for one meal chips & ice cream isn't the end of the world.

nakedscientist · 10/07/2018 18:41

I can see no morality in eating fish but not chicken and no dietary difference either but it's what he wants to eat so I humour him

Farming practises/living conditions?

MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2018 18:48

Farming practises/living conditions?

Only if you either don't eat farmed fish or know nothing about fish farms.

Nogymjustcake · 10/07/2018 18:49

So a little different, but .... I was / am a seriously fussy eater.
I am 27 and the thought of most foods makes me want to gag.
I literally have 10-12 foods I eat however they are quite common things so normally most places I could choose something.
My sister had a much better diet and growing up it was tough as she loves curry / Chinese etc and these were places I couldn't get anything to eat at !!!!
Unfortunately my mum also loved these places.
Every Friday night was meal night out and it was always .... my sisters choice as I was just to fussy it was my fault.
I ended up staying home and then bringing me in a burger or something on the way in.
My diet might not be ethical but it has been a I'm going problem and not much better now as an adult.
I did feel really left out as a few times we couldn't of gone somewhere like harvester .... pub etc which would serve more than one meal I would like plus loads sister would like as she wasn't fussy at all.

Graphista · 10/07/2018 18:52

Nogym - have you sought help for your food issues? That's so sad. Your parents should have sought help for you years ago.

But what I can't forgive is that you've made me feel ancient Grin because I'd been veggie for 3 years by the time you were born!!

glamorousgrandmother · 10/07/2018 18:55

Farming practises/living conditions?

That was his initial reason long before I met him. I only buy ethically sourced meat for myself whereas he isn't bothered about eating farmed fish.

Either way, he's a grown man in his late 50s and can eat what he likes. I like fish too so we do mostly eat fish.

Juells · 10/07/2018 19:16

God forbid that anyone shouldn't want to eat exactly the same food as everyone else. What a thread full of control freaks. Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/07/2018 21:52

I do t think it is control-freakery to suggest that it is unreasonable for one member of the family to be allowed to choose a restaurant where there is nothing that another member can have as a main course.

I think it is not unreasonable to expect compromise from everyone - which, in this instance, means a restaurant with menu choices both girls would be happy with, not a restaurant one will love and the other will hate.

peachdribble · 11/07/2018 17:45

If they’re over the age of 5, make them cook their own dinners, or just buy chips

LuMarie · 11/07/2018 17:57

Choose something for you and let them figure it out from the menu!

Two fussy eaters playing on your emotions, no one has allergies or serious moral commitments, it's fussy eating as you say! That's fine, but all fussy eaters have to learn to compromise and get by. I say that as a non drinking vegan, undercover unless at yoga class where it's hippy diets galore, I like to be able to go out with my friends for dinner and manage to enjoy the company without trashing their evening or them trashing mine! So I'm not dealing with outrageously drunken behaviour, but I'm also not banning them from eating what they like! There's always something on the menu or chefs put something together without things don't eat! Sometimes it's an excuse for mashed potato, yummy:)

So it's turn each oh let's go here because my sister loves fish even though I'll be having chip sandwiches as a "sacrifice" , ok now let's go there because my sister was kind and came to a special restaurant for me.

Or say we either compromise and stop complaining or I'm choosing for me, which means cocktails, and you're not invited.

I like the idea of you and unfussy ds choose, say ok go figure it out for yourselves to the awkward two playing on your emotions!

happypoobum · 11/07/2018 18:07

I agree with graphista

I find it difficult to believe there was nothing on the menu that DD1 could eat for lunch. Salad, jacket potato, sandwich.....??? Just because there was no meat?

I think you should take it in turn between the three of you.

And if she doesn't eat meat and does eat fish, then DD2 is a pescatarian Why are you phrasing it that she "calls herself" a pescatarian. It doesn't sound like you respect her choices very much.