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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'pescatarian' dd's wishes don't trump everyone else's?

150 replies

Dragonniamh · 10/07/2018 07:54

I have three dc - a ds who will eat anything, and two dds who have always been much fussier. Dd1 hates fish, dd2 has always hated meat and a few years ago started calling herself a pescatarian.

The issue is that we're currently on holiday, and while looking for somewhere to eat lunch, we came across one restaurant that only served fish. Dd2 decided she wanted to go there, as they had things she could eat (in addition to the not eating meat, she's also a very fussy eater). But dd1 didn't want to go there, as she hates fish.

Dd2 said that as she was a 'pescatarian', while dd1 is just a fussy eater, her needs should come before dd1's. Dd1 pointed out that dd2 is no different to her - there was no ethical reason behind her choice not to eat meat, it was based purely on taste, and why should her wishes trump dd1's just because there's a name for her diet?

When I said that we would look for somewhere else to eat, where they could both find something they liked, dd2 accused me of always siding with dd1. WIBU?

OP posts:
museumum · 10/07/2018 09:45

It doesn't matter who calls themselves what, if one person in a family of four genuinely doesn't like any fish at all then you do not go to a restaurant with only fish options.

Same as you wouldn't go to a meat-only restaurant if one person doesn't eat meat.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 10/07/2018 09:52

pescetarian is merely another type of faddy eating but with a different label on it.

you either eat animals or you don't, if you only eat some animals then you are just faddy and not really making an ethical choice at all.

purplegreen99 · 10/07/2018 09:59

I think mostly YANBU as I ideally you'd find somewhere to suit everyone, and I think most dcs accuse parents of favouritism when things don't go their way.

I'm vegetarian and have eaten in fish restaurants with friends occasionally, usually a boring green salad with chips. Speciality restaurants don't cater for those that don't want that speciality, why would they?

I do get that your fish-eating dc might love the idea of having a big choice of fish as I love eating at restaurants where I can choose from the whole menu rather than just the one or two vegetarian options. Could you suggest that later in the holiday you could plan a meal where you eat separately - one parent takes fish-loving dc to the fish place, the others go to a regular restaurant?

Re the pescetarian debate, I agree that fake vegetarians are annoying. Several times I've checked that a restaurant has vegetarian options only to be told on arrival that there are several fish dishes I can eat, but no actual vegetarian food. I don't understand why anyone would pretend to be vegetarian when they aren't - what's the benefit?

Juells · 10/07/2018 10:02

This reply has been deleted

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sociopathsunited · 10/07/2018 10:02

If the other restaurants all served fish as well, alongside things your other daughter could eat, then your pescatarian daughter was being incredibly selfish.
However, if there was something on the menu that she could only get there, and that really excited her, why not split up? One parent stays in the fish restaurant with fish lover, and the other goes elsewhere for a wider variety.
No, it's not the "family" meal you wanted, but maybe a compromise could have been possible IF, and only IF, there was something very special on the menu that fishy daughter could not have had anywhere else. If there wasn't, and the dishes are all widely available then she was just being selfish. Would she seriously have been okay with having her sister sit there not eating, and enjoyed it? In that case, I'd be questioning her empathy levels....

Jaxhog · 10/07/2018 10:03

I would leave them at home with a sandwich and go out with DH.
You're on holiday too, and don't need to pander to 2 fussy eaters. Competitive eating habits! Whatever next?

Juells · 10/07/2018 10:03

Several times I've checked that a restaurant has vegetarian options only to be told on arrival that there are several fish dishes I can eat, but no actual vegetarian food.

Now that's twisted!

Juells · 10/07/2018 10:05

In that case, I'd be questioning her empathy levels....

I think there's more going on than lack of empathy in the younger daughter. She's the 'unfair' one, while 'fussy eater' isn't being unfair at all evidently.

Jorah · 10/07/2018 10:06

A specialist fish restaurant sounds lovely. If this is real your daughters sound madly fussy.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2018 10:09

Please tell him to eat fish but not meat if he likes but not to call himself vegetarian - he's making life much harder for actual vegetarians!

I second this! I worked with someone who claimed to be vegetarian but ate fish - and sausages!

I was/am vegetarian and I got really pissed off- the FUSS she made over everything "Oh - I can't! I'm VEGETARIAN!", and then I would see her scoffing fish and chips.

Juells · 10/07/2018 10:12

I worked with someone who claimed to be vegetarian but ate fish - and sausages!

Sorry for laughing 🤭

SummerGems · 10/07/2018 10:14

I think the thing with vegetarianism/pescatarianism is that pescatarian has only fairly recently been recognised as a separate dietary choice. I know that when I was growing up it was fairly widely recognised that vegetarians ate fish as well, and only in the last ten years or so I’d say that that view has been revised, but obviously knowledge in some instances as yet has not. hence why you still get restaurants that claim to have fish dishes if you’re looking for vegetarian options.

That aside, it doesn’t actually matter whether someone’s dietary choices are down to ethics or pickiness, what does matter is the fact that if you have people with different dietary preferences (and it is a preference regardless of the reasons here,) then one doesn’t get to override the other.

It would be one thing to go to a steak only restaurant if DD2 eats only fish, but a general restaurant is highly unlikely to serve no fish dishes at all whereas the fish only restaurant did serve no meat dishes at all, and as such DD2 was in the wrong to demand to eat there given one member of the party eats no fish.

Myotherusernameisbest · 10/07/2018 10:19

They sound like incredibly hard work! I'd go with this suggestion:

However, if there was something on the menu that she could only get there, and that really excited her, why not split up? One parent stays in the fish restaurant with fish lover, and the other goes elsewhere for a wider variety.
No, it's not the "family" meal you wanted, but maybe a compromise could have been possible IF, and only IF, there was something very special on the menu that fishy daughter could not have had anywhere else. If there wasn't, and the dishes are all widely available then she was just being selfish.

I think with picky eaters as bad as these 'nice family meals' are something you are just going to have to live without.

SummerGems · 10/07/2018 10:22

I second this! I worked with someone who claimed to be vegetarian but ate fish - and sausages! sorry but Grin Grin Grin reminds me of someone I knew who was of a religion which prohibits the consumption of pork. he actually said “no, we don’t eat pork but I do love a bacon sandwich.” Grin

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 10/07/2018 10:22

I think that sometimes you have to eat in places where there's not necessarily something you enjoy, because it's nice that others have something they do enjoy.

In my family it's sushi, all but DS2 love it. So we don't go very often, but when we do, DS2 has to cope with whatever is on the menu that he does eat.

In return, sometimes we go somewhere that has stuff that I, or DP, or DS1 isn't that fond of, and we cope, because the others might be enjoying it a lot.

Cutesbabasmummy · 10/07/2018 10:26

YANBU. Agree to find somewhere you can all eat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2018 10:27

My mother is one of those vegetarians, y’know the sort, who eats fish - mainly tinned tuna and the odd bit of chicken and turkey at Christmas.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2018 10:29

Don't apologise Juells - it's cracked me up more than once.

The first time I "caught" her in the act she claimed that she was starving, and she only had "a tiny corner of sausage" Hmm. However on later occasions I have seen her attack a plate of bangers like a half-starved wolf!

She was (and I imagine still is) also one of these people who were never wrong and never made a mistake. On one occasion when we went for a meal after work (about 10 of us) and one of the girls had prawns but left the shells was a classic. (I've mentioned this on this forum before - sorry for repeating myself if you've read it.)

She insisted that the shells should be eaten - the other girl said she didn't want to eat them. NO! They were part of the meal and MUST be eaten. Other girl handed her the plate and said "Go ahead, then." So she popped one into her mouth and chewed . . .and chewed . . . and chewed. The cracking noise was horrendous and it was obvious that she was NOT enjoying this delicacy, but to spit it out would be to Admit She Was Wrong (no effing chance!). It took ages, but she eventually managed to force it down, pushed back the plate and said something like "See. Perfectly edible." The girl whose meal it was told her to help herself to the rest, but strangely she was full - what with already having her own dinner etc.
It was bliddy hilarious! We were all choking with suppressed laughter - the faces round the table - contorted wasn't in it (because she was also someone you NEVER, EVER laughed at) - anyone else would have admitted they were wrong and laughed it off with the rest of us, but not her.

Prawns - guaranteed to lacerate your palate when eaten properly! Grin

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2018 10:29

Summergems Grin

Original poster
Dragonniamh · 10/07/2018 10:33

My dh isn't in Iceland with us unfortunately, so we couldn't split up and take dds to separate restaurants.

OP posts:
sociopathsunited · 10/07/2018 10:37

Ah well, if you can't split up, then you have to go somewhere where every member of the party can get a meal.

You were perfectly correct to insist on that!

MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2018 10:42

I think the thing with vegetarianism/pescatarianism is that pescatarian has only fairly recently been recognised as a separate dietary choice. I know that when I was growing up it was fairly widely recognised that vegetarians ate fish as well, and only in the last ten years or so I’d say that that view has been revised

I've been vegetarian for 20 years and while I'd agree that 'and do you eat fish?' has got less common, most people knew 20 years ago that actual vegetarians don't.

81Byerley · 10/07/2018 10:43

I'd have left the pescatarian to eat in the fish restaurant and gone somewhere else with the others.

MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2018 10:45

I'd have left the pescatarian to eat in the fish restaurant and gone somewhere else with the others.

Would you really have left a 13 year old to have dinner alone in a strange city on holiday?

badtime · 10/07/2018 10:46

Juells I think there's more going on than lack of empathy in the younger daughter. She's the 'unfair' one, while 'fussy eater' isn't being unfair at all evidently.

Well, yeah. The fussy eater wasn't insisting on the pescatarian going somewhere that didn't serve any food she liked. The pescatarian wanted the fussy eater to do that. Sounds to me like only the pescatarian was being unfair and inconsiderate.