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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be really upset and anxious by how my son defied me?

132 replies

PukkaLovetea · 09/07/2018 19:57

My 7 year old pushed for Minecraft. I hate games, we have been very controlled about the use of them. But i realise that I can't abstain, so we both decided on Minecraft - which, while looking into it, I thought was creative and the best of the bunch.

He goes on the ipad at the weekend, for a controlled period. He's been super excited and we've encouraged it. He's been reading the books etc.

At the beginning we talked about playing solo, ALL THE DANGERS of ONLINE STRANGERS.

He's very smart. He gets it. We were very, very clear.

To cut a long story short, we found out tonight he's been texting others while playing...

He immediately confessed when asked.

I feel really upset and fucked off. The consequence has to be - for now at least - no Minecraft as he can't be trusted. We've had a HUGE conversation about why it's an important rule.

But I don't know how angry to be or how worried.

He's so fucking defiant. It drives me nuts.

OP posts:

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/07/2018 19:58

I wouldn’t be happy about that either.

But if you’re so against games then why did you not read up about it and lock down his account so he couldn’t do this?

mimibunz · 09/07/2018 19:59

I’m afraid I don’t follow. Why is he not allowed to text others whilst he’s playing?

Original poster

PukkaLovetea · 09/07/2018 20:00

I read that you can't 'turn off' the playing with others on the ipad version. That's why.

He's not allowed to play with others online. He's 7.

OP posts:

Dottierichardson · 09/07/2018 20:00

Seven is very young, so I would be inclined to deal with it calmly. If you are visibly angry then all you will do is scare him and make it less likely that he will tell you things in future.

practicallyperfectinmyway · 09/07/2018 20:00

Who was he texting specifically?

haba · 09/07/2018 20:00

I would say a reasonable ban-period, then offline version only!

InDubiousBattle · 09/07/2018 20:01

7 year old or year 7, so 11? 7 is imo way too young for unsupervised gaming. I don't honestly think 7 year old can fully comprehend and understand the dangers and these games are designed to be addictive. A bit of supervised fun, something to do together maybe.

headinhands · 09/07/2018 20:01

You mean he is chatting in game with other players using the message window?

I'm confused. You say you've explained the dangers but then not allowing him to use this feature? It's akin to telling him roads are dangerous and explaining how to keep safe but then deciding the way to keep him safe is to not walk near any roads with him. How can he learn to keep safe if he can't go near a road?

When would you allow him to use this feature? 12, 16?

Whocansay · 09/07/2018 20:01

Why the fuck are you letting a 7 year old go online unattended?

FASH84 · 09/07/2018 20:02

Have you not been checking? At that age any game play should be monitored really, maybe you or his dad could play with him, that way he gets to teach you what to do too

Ozgirl75 · 09/07/2018 20:02

I have a 7 year old and I just have said no to online games.

Halfblindbunny · 09/07/2018 20:02

Who is he texting? Do you mean he is communicating through the game with strangers or he is actually texting people on your contacts list?

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2018 20:02

Is he chatting to people he knows on the game? Maybe if he's playing the game with them he ceases to think of them as strangers.

Ozgirl75 · 09/07/2018 20:03

And mine does go online, but only supervised and I check on what he’s doing all the time, have parental controls etc. But no way would he be playing a game that encourages online chatting with strangers.

Seasawride · 09/07/2018 20:03

He’s far too young to be gaming and gaming against strangers is that what you mean my texting?

Good grief I thought we were soft but no way was ours allowed to game on the internet until around 12.

SundayGirls · 09/07/2018 20:04

I think that had he been 10 or over then yes that would be properly defiant. But At 7 he just won't have the self control/be able to understand what it all really means. He might do in a surface manner but not properly, the same as when a child learns to read but they have no comprehension of the text, or inferences. They can just read the words/repeat the words.

I think you need to also take responsibility for not having put the lockdown in place so he couldn't communicate with anyone else.

I might remove the facility for a short while if only to make your point but I wouldn't go overboard. Meanwhile I'd use that time put in place blocking the communication element.

Original poster

PukkaLovetea · 09/07/2018 20:08

What is wrong with all of you? Literally coming at me with claws out.

He's not allowed to game online. That's the point. And as far I as I knew, I had disabled that option, or whatever options were available to us. I didn't know it was even possible,.

And for those of you JUDGING me, let me tell you that I do not leave my son unattended for long periods playing. he sits on the sofa for 30 mins twice a week, which I'm sure is a lot less than a lot of you, and we are in and out of the room. Sometimes we've even sat with him - and he's not done in then OBVIOUSLY

And I'm not being defensive. I'm aware that our part in this is not locking it down so it's impenetrable.

I'm fucking angry at how some of you respond.

OP posts:

Halfblindbunny · 09/07/2018 20:10

Despite your outburst I'm still going to try and help. Is he using an online message facility within the game or is he texting people? The two things are different.

Ozgirl75 · 09/07/2018 20:11

Well you said you hate online games but you “can’t” abstain - you’re the parent, of course you can abstain if you want to.

Alanamackree · 09/07/2018 20:12

I think the most important thing that a child needs to be safe online is a sensible adult that they feel they can talk to.

If you can’t be that person, then you need to make sure that there is someone they can check stuff out with.

By all means enforce the rule with a short minecraft ban, but be careful that you’re not just teaching him to hide stuff from you because he’s afraid of your reaction

And he’s 7 OP. He doesn’t get it. But at 7 he hasn’t yet decided that everything you say is irrelevant, so use this time before he becomes a teenager to build up trust and a habit of talking safely with you.

Whocansay · 09/07/2018 20:13

You're blaming your poor parenting choices on a 7 year old. He won't understand the implications. He just thinks he's being a bit naughty by doing something he isn't supposed to.

If you can't disable the online fuction, you either sit with him whilst he's playing, or you don't let him have it.

And yes, my children have tablets, but they cannot go online.

princesspino · 09/07/2018 20:14

My 8 year old goes on line for mine craft on the iPad. You can lock down the account so you can’t message in game or receive messages from anyone unless they are your friend. Our rule is that if he gets a friend request he doesn’t accept it. He tells me who he thinks it is, I check with that kids parents and only then can he accept the request. I also check it regularly when he isn’t around to make sure nothing inappropriate is happening. It’s so hard to get to right and ALL his friends are playing it too.
You are lucky that he trusts you enough to tell you what’s been happening so don’t go mental at home - he won’t tell you again if you do. Just lock down what you can and keep having the chats about in game strangers etc.....

Bombardier25966 · 09/07/2018 20:17

He's so fucking defiant. It drives me nuts.

I'm fucking angry at how some of you respond.

Two complete overreactions. Maybe use this as a prompt to deal with your anger issues?

MrsJayy · 09/07/2018 20:17

You really have to calm down screaming at posters isn't helping you posters are trying to help you they don't understsnd who he istexting that is all

SoddingUnicorns · 09/07/2018 20:17

I get where you’re coming from OP, it’s hard to let them do what their friends do but also not just give them free rein.

DS1 has minecraft on his xbox but it’s not online at all. Is that an option for your DS?

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