...to be really upset and anxious by how my son defied me?

[PukkaLovetea]

My 7 year old pushed for Minecraft. I hate games, we have been very controlled about the use of them. But i realise that I can't abstain, so we both decided on Minecraft - which, while looking into it, I thought was creative and the best of the bunch.

He goes on the ipad at the weekend, for a controlled period. He's been super excited and we've encouraged it. He's been reading the books etc.

At the beginning we talked about playing solo, ALL THE DANGERS of ONLINE STRANGERS.

He's very smart. He gets it. We were very, very clear.

To cut a long story short, we found out tonight he's been texting others while playing...

He immediately confessed when asked.

I feel really upset and fucked off. The consequence has to be - for now at least - no Minecraft as he can't be trusted. We've had a HUGE conversation about why it's an important rule.

But I don't know how angry to be or how worried.

He's so fucking defiant. It drives me nuts.

Thank you Diana. We're going to sit down with the computer tomorrow and work out exactly what we obviously didn't do before.

Now that is a bad move, you will be showing him exactly how to turn the controls off and put them back on when you are about.

He is going to want to chat while playing the game. Saying 'no chat' at all is a bit like sending him into the playground at school to play but insisting he can't speak to another child.

the poster up thread who said how they work with friends requests and checking who people are and making sure they are real IRL friends is much more sensible.

Do you have restricted mode set up on the iPad?

In my experience once you let them on these games you will always be a few steps behind in realising what they are up to. 7 in my opinion is too young as its just not nevessary for them to be on these games.

just make sure that if he is going to chat, with or without your permission that he understands NEVER to give his real name, age, school/sports teams or address, or even village/town name ( especially if it is a small area) teach him to say "oh no i dont give that info out" or agree on some fake "gaming" details he can use as in his name is Bob and hes from London and he is 99 and is home schooled or something, , write it on a large piece of paper so he can type it out if asked... that's what we have done with ours, and hes been "gaming" on his fathers knee since he was born basically and playing on his own since he was 3 ( supervised obviously... sitting next to dad making toon after toon playing for a lvl then making more)
Just make some ground rules, sensible ones ( we did the no chat too and it failed as there is no avoiding it) and make sure he only plays in the family rooms with adults in the room and once you teach him ( over and over) the safety rules it will be ok.. and you can always give time limits and if he breaks a rule week/ fortnight gaming vacations ( those work very well )
Dont panic he will learn and one day he will understand the whys of the reasons

It's difficult isn't OP.

Most 7 year olds are pretty switched on with technology. It's sound so young but it's just they way the world is headed and us 'oldies' need to accept that. It's not as easy as just not letting them play, most likely his peers are playing it and it's all they talk about. If you stop him, you risk him being isolated.

My son plays Minecraft but is thankfully not interested in interacting with anyone else so just plays offline. I don't let him have the wifi password so even if he wanted to he couldn't.

What is so wrong with him chatting to his friends when they are all playing together? That’s part of the fun

Exactly! My youngest loves minecraft and often plays with friends from school or his cousins. the rule is that he doesn't accept anyone as a "friend" on the Xbox unless he knows them in real life, and if there's any doubt who someone is, refuse.

Online doesn't have to mean anyone can speak to your child, you have control.

I get that you are angry with him but all kids push a bit.
Don't over punish as you will have no where to go when he does something really bad.
Have a look on the Think Uknow page. There is information about on line stuff for 5-7 year olds ( and older age brackets)
Gaming can be fun and relaxing but it has to be monitored.

He’s learning as he goes, and developmentally doesn’t have the competence for being ‘trusted’, but as he grow up you are giving him opportunities to ‘be trusted’ and the way you work through this - with conversations and consequences, not condemnation- will shape how he approaches his impulses to deceive in the future. If he thinks you are going to be authoratative, firm but flexible and caring he may opt to be more open and make good choices more often than bad. If he thinks you are going to be rigid, reactive, punitive or a pushover, then he will learn to work around your rules because they won’t give him room to develop his own competence.

The NSPCC have a parent's guide to Minecraft and how to restrict settings etc www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/minecraft-a-parents-guide/

Flapping about talking to others online is going the wrong way about keeping kids safe. What they need to be taught is how to recognise unsuitable conversations - online 'friends' should not ask personal questions and any such questions about where you live or your surname should be ignored and the person blocked. Those are the skills they need (same as they need to learn where the line is when speaking to a person they don't know in the street - 'excuse me, where's the station' is reasonable, 'where do you live and how old are you' is not...)

None of my children play on line games  it’s just not something we do.

So you have nothing to contribute to the conversation then. Why post?

Thank you Headinhands! Thank you. This!!

And as far I as I knew, I had disabled that option, or whatever options were available to us. I didn't know it was even possible.

You're contradicting yourself there!!

OP, 7 is far too young imo for games like Minecraft. What will he want to play when he's 12, Call of Duty??

You're the parent. Search for some age-appropriate games. At that age, my ds loved the Bear Grylls game, games where you build your own zoo/dino park and breed the animals, that sort of thing.

Sorry - read 'Minecraft' and thought 'Fortnite'. Minecraft is more age-appropriate than Fortnite. But you can have plenty of fun building alone and not going online.

OP, this is not what you want to hear but you sound angry and I feel you are not communicating clearly. Reading between the lines I get you’d like him not to play. But you don’t want to say no to him so allow him in a restricted mode. He is just being a child and breaks the rules, you go crazy. This will happen again and again in many other areas. Either you say no because actually that game is not age appropriate, or chill.

Posters are assuming that one platform functions exactly the same as another... and that’s not correct.

On iPads, you cannot just accept friends to chat to, like the Xbox. On the open servers it is just that, fully open.

The only way you can control who your child comes into contact with is by setting up your own server and inviting specific people, but that’s an additional cost each month.

Or, of course, you disable the social aspect altogether, which is what I’ve had to do.

Although I’ve found a bit of a work around to let DS have the feel of collaborative gaming without having to invest lots in it at the moment, as I do it with him (or another grown up friend does) from a different device, using the same log ins. So I log in from my phone and DS from the iPad, and we play together, which is great!

And then I get to teach him gently how to play online without it being a big deal (like, don’t burn down our project, the other person might be sad about that!) and he gets the fun of playing with another person.

It’s enough for him at the moment, and I think works well as a lesson for me to be engaged in what he’s doing in online worlds when it looks like he’s just sitting on the sofa... but is very far away indeed!

Oooof! Being a parent is tricky with this tech stuff isn’t it :)

I keep reminding myself to be gentle on myself and on him. Although that’s easier said than done some days! We’re all feeling our way in this brave new world together.

Abitlost - I think that's probably pretty accurate. But to be clear, I didn't go crazy with him at all. I was cross but I also really praised him for telling me the truth when asked. I'm not a monster. I came on here to vent, so I didn't do it to him.

Thanks, Wellthisistheshit, that's really helpful.

My DD9 & DS6 play minecraft for hours together, offline.
I have a fundamental antipathy towards computer games, so feel quite uncomfortable about it, despite them not being online.
However they have eventually worn me down with their incessant wittering about their worlds, and to be honest when I force myself to sit and be shown around what they have created, it is actually amazing!
So there's lots to be gained from Minecraft and it's a source of endless conversation & discussion most of which is gibberish to me - some positive points when you have the boundaries set where you want them, it's certainly shown me that gaming doesn't just have to be a source of conflict/guilt/concern.

(Plus an enderman is an awesome and easy halloween costume).

Hi OP, can I please leave a link here for you to look at. The guys who are involved to regular talks in schools on online safety. We had one recently at my son's primary.

The main message they gave was not to get angry or impose sanctions as if the child ever does have a stranger chatting to them they will not tell their parents for fear of being in trouble.

It's a scary world out there with technology moving so fast, and is so ingrained in culture and society that the only way to keep our children safe is to educate ourselves.

www.esafetytraining.org

when asked. I'm not a monster. I came on here to vent, so I didn't do it to him
But there is no need to vent though.
He admitted what he has done and then you go through the implications of his actions. Go on one of the on line safety information courses together which show of consequences that could happen.

To be fair I think that parents should do this as a matter of course.

You need to calm down.

7 is too young for games. How on earth has a 7 year old managed to wear you down enough to let him play? Just say no. Keep saying no until he is older. It's just too young. Even if he says he understands the danger, he doesn't. He is 7 - he is too young to understand the danger of online chat. It's not as obvious as teaching them the dangers of a stranger standing infront of them. Online is like fantasy to them; not a real threat. He is too young.

OP, I think part of the problem is that you evidently have a bright and articulate 7 yo. But the fact remains that he's a 7 yo, and his brain/control centres etc will not be in line with his apparent intelligence and understanding. He will agree with you, and mean it, but he doesn't have the maturity to act on whatever you have agreed.

My DC1 was similar at 7, and it caused huge problems with XH, who always essentially became pissed off with DS for acting like a young child (because that's what he was, however clever and articulate he was). XH now gets pissed off with the same DC because said DC is 16 and sometimes acts like a stupid 16 yo, despite coming across, at other times, as being more like an accomplished 36 yo.

In short, what your DS did was completely normal. Thank God computer games weren't around when my DC were that age (well, they were on the edge of being around - but we didn't have devices, laptops, tablets, phones etc, so it was a whole lot easier). If you are going to let him play games - and now you've started, you can't really backtrack - it has to be the start of him becoming internet-savvy, and knowing who to talk to, what information never to give away to anyone, etc. Others will know more about this than I do.

I know how you feel, though. Once they turn teenage, you have similar problems - it's an endless attempt to strike a balance (as a parent) between being reasonable and knowing you have to give some ground, and secretly wanting to say no, no, and no again to absolutely everything.

It is really hard to manage your child online. The biggest factor is education and talking to your son. No matter how much you block or filter he will find a way around it. Look at the Pegi rating and this will give you some indication on the game. Also sit with him and be part of what he is doing. Understand it, this is so powerful. Use the right language, don't say "strangers", its people online. Stranger Danger means nothing in this day and age. I would also suggest any child under the age of 12, does not have a headset. Just my suggestion as it opens them to freely talk to anyone. When a child is being groomed it takes time, it doesnt happen over night. Talk to him about being groomed, in the same way as talking to someone in the park you don't know. The world has changed and we all need to change with it. It is just modern parenting