...to be really upset and anxious by how my son defied me?

[PukkaLovetea]

My 7 year old pushed for Minecraft. I hate games, we have been very controlled about the use of them. But i realise that I can't abstain, so we both decided on Minecraft - which, while looking into it, I thought was creative and the best of the bunch.

He goes on the ipad at the weekend, for a controlled period. He's been super excited and we've encouraged it. He's been reading the books etc.

At the beginning we talked about playing solo, ALL THE DANGERS of ONLINE STRANGERS.

He's very smart. He gets it. We were very, very clear.

To cut a long story short, we found out tonight he's been texting others while playing...

He immediately confessed when asked.

I feel really upset and fucked off. The consequence has to be - for now at least - no Minecraft as he can't be trusted. We've had a HUGE conversation about why it's an important rule.

But I don't know how angry to be or how worried.

He's so fucking defiant. It drives me nuts.

I’d just take it that he’s not quite old enough to understand the implications of chatting with strangers online and make sure his play is supervised for the time being.

He is 7 playing a game that (depending on the mode) regularly requires perfectly respectable interaction online - as it allows builds and missions to be completed collaboratively. I have 3 children aged 9 to 13 and they all play minecraft. I allow them to collaborate and ensure they do so safely - there are ways to prevent unwanted interaction but a 7 yo needs supervision. He is not old enough to understand all the implications of talking to other people online.

In this case your ignorance regarding how Minecraft works on different devices is the issue. It is a common enough issue so if you become better informed you will find a way that you can manage your dc gameplay - only allowing him to play minecraft on a xbox or pc may be helpful if that is possible. The risks online can be managed and getting outraged by a few messages is not going to give your son confidence that he can talk to you if his is faced with a message he finds troubling.

We have to decide as parents what level of interaction online our children are mature enough to manage. It changes very quickly. I am a dinosaur from the 70's and my children have a comfortable familiarity with using the internet and gaming online which I will never have. I have to ensure my children are equipped with the awareness that things can go wrong and that not every one they met online is who they represent themselves as. I also ensure that they are never afraid to come to me if they are not sure about something and I have restricted the websites they can access and the devices they use. None have internet based phones yet. None have social media accounts and they only use moderated chat on collaborative games. I keep the pc as the main game playing system and that is in the living room.

The situation you have descried in the op has definitely occurred with one or more of my kids - they have used a game improperly or got into a chat conversation they cant handle - they tell me and I resolve it with them - sometimes a tech ban is imposed to underline the rules. I don't lose my shit over it though as they need to have the confidence to come to me.

Do you mean he was using the in game text feature? Also how did he end up online? Was he on a server?

He will be fine. Don’t panic. Just have a look tomorrow and lock down the settings so he can’t play online.

The best advice though is to play the game before you let your children or ideally play 2 player with them and make it a family activity. Gaming is good for kids in someways. Just teach them to do it responsibly by showing them!

I don't think you've over reacted - you've been sensible in trying to set boundaries in place - unfortunately you didn't realise about the texting facility etc but no harm has been done. so I think sit down and chat, put the extra boundaries in place and move forward. It may even make him more aware of online dangers.

I wouldn't be too harsh, 30 mins twice a week........never allowed to play games before.......no wonder it's all a bit forbidden fruit to him. The only kids i know that have blatently gone against their parents is in situations like this.

I'd remove it for 24 hours (or a week in your case!) and acknowledge how excited he must have been to be able to go on a game, but that doesn't mean he should ignore you etc etc

Tbh mine is almost sixteen and IMO online gaming is the work of the devil. and there is far too much expectation that parents will let their children on these things younger and younger now. And it’s not just the fear of grooming, but the pure attitude that they seem to adopt if they’ve been playing online.

But we do need to get past this idea that children should be allowed access to things because ”everyone” has them, because for the most part they really don’t. There comes a time when there is more of an expectation that children be able to keep up with their peers i.e. if you ban a child from the internet altogether even educational sites etc then chances are their mates have all been online. Or once they get to secondary there is more a trend of having mobile phones etc. But at primary online gaming, social media and smartphones really are not necessities and disallowing these things won’t turn children into social outcasts.

He is 7.

You need to take more responsibility for protecting him. And that means giving him minecraft access on a device which does permit proper controls.

My ds is 8 and I wouldn’t entrust him with not talking to strangers. He’s too young to “get it”, so I as parent make sure the ability to online chat is removed.

My daughter, when she was 7, pushed for a pony. She/We didn't get one.

It's what kids do, push for things. What parents do is don't let them have things we don't think are beneficial or unsafe. It's in the job description.

My ds is 10 and most definitely NOT allowed to play online! He has had Minecraft for ages but not the online version. Its too bad. I don't think he can be trusted and truly understands the dangers of the internet.

@neveradullmoment99 have you turned the online setting off because they now include servers on the main start up menu.

id sit down with him and tell him your cross that he went agasint the rules and that he knows that he did wrong hence him confessing.but your also making these rules to keep him safe and okay.because and then explain to him how your doin this for his own goof and because you love him as there are some very sneaky,bad,wrong people online who come via the texting function so your doing this to keep him safe.
then go through what he needs to make sure he tells you off :any friend requests,anyone trying to get in touch.so that if for some reason these fucntions go unchecked again he knows what need to be told on.
and then you need to go and geteverything as locked down as you can.
this stuff has gotten so out of hand nowadays its getting so scary.and that can lead to you reacting differently out of fear and concern as much as anything.but he wont understand that and will just see mum going ape shit.so keep the lines of convo open but also letting him no he doesn't go agasint rules because that isn't on whatever the reason.sometimes mum and dad really do no best and you just have to bloody listen and accept it even if they don't understand it.

The thing is about online safety is that, at age 7, he just doesn't get it. You thought he did because you explained it carefully, but at that age they just have no concept of what's out there. He sounds like a completely normal 7yo not a super defiant one.

Disable the online facility. Let him carry on playing mine craft offline - it's a good game. Lesson learned for both of you!

I might be thick but can you not just turn off WiFi on the iPad while he's playing?
My 8 year old DD plays Minecraft but on a console with all online Comms disabled. It's a good game.

30 minutes, twice a week? He's just going to play it as much as possible at friends' houses. At that age our DD was mainlining Minecraft most days, she adored it.

I'm glad you are feeling calmer OP. The thing a bout 7 year olds is that their understanding of what is real/what is not real is actually pretty shaky. They quite often come across as understanding the difference between reality and fiction/fantasy, but honestly? Half the time they don't. I remember a long conversation with a reasonably bright and articulate 6/7 year old who thought cartoon characters were real, just as real in fact as superman and batman, who of course were also real.

Think of the number of seven year olds who believe in Father Christmas, or the tooth fairy. Their little heads are busy sorting out so much new information it takes a while for it to be sorted into the right mental box.

So talking to them about talking to and texting strangers is fine, of course you have to do it, but don't for one moment think it has gone in, and that they have understood what you are telling them, and why, because they don't. I told my daughter not to stroke strange dogs because they might not be used to children. I thought I had done it properly except that five minutes later she was stroking another one. "But it's not strange" she said ,"it's an ordinary dog, there's nothing strange about it at all."

Why ask if you don't want people to disagree with you?

WigglyBlossom, but half the posters are saying she IBU because obviously she should allow her 7yo to message others in the game, there should be no lower age limit on doing that and it's just like crossing the road while the other half are saying she IBU because she doesn't hover and stare at the iPad the whole time he is playing / he shouldn't be allowed to play at all.

So while technically that's an overwhelming agreement that she IBU it actually puts her position pretty averagely in the middle of what posters think is reasonable.

Some are making practical suggestions about how the OP can actually impose the limits she didn't think were technically possible on an iPad.

Op i think you've been unfairly flamed on here.

I have talked to my DS (8) til I'm blue in the face about online safety. He has regular talks about it at school. I vet all his games before he is allowed them and he is prevented from downloading games which allow him to interact with others online( I thought) . My job means I am more aware than many of what goes on online, and what dangers children are exposed to, and some might say I am over-protective.

I thought my son was fairly well protected and that he really understood why I have set restrictions.

However. It transpired a couple of weeks ago that he was playing a particular game and accepting friend requests from people he didn't know. When I initially asked him, he denied it and told me 'I know them in real life mum'. When I finally got to the truth, the explanation he gave me was that he felt sorry for the people sending him friend requests 'as they must be lonely' .

I was angry and frustrated and at a loss as to how to make him understand, in an age appropriate way, why it was dangerous. I wanted to lose my shit but I didn't. The best angle I could come up with was - if you get into a situation online where you feel unsafe or frightened, how are you going to come to me for help, if you are worried that you have done something wrong to contribute to that situation?? He seems to understand this... Time will tell but we have regular chats and check ups now on his games to ensure everything is as it should be.

They don't defy you to piss you off, they just have no concept of the risks that exist online. And how can you really tell them without scaring them half to death?!

We set up a private server so that DS could play with his friends because he kept wanting to go onto public ones. I can't remember if he was 7 or 8 when we set it up. They sometimes use the text chat, but mostly they connect separately over Skype for voice and use that. It's school friends and a friend who moved away to the US and it's a nice controlled environment for him.

But yes before this server was set up it was offline or wifi only.

This will help you going forward OP www.o2.co.uk/help/nspcc/minecraft

Dd (8) plays Minecraft all the time on the iPad or her phone and the only people she can play with are people on the same wifi, usually her dad or if a friend comes round they will play together. I thought this was normal. I wouldn't even know how to let her play online.

OP, I have no advice about the game/messaging etc. But please ignore the judgey brigade some people on here love to prod, poke & push your buttons then call you unreasonable/angry when you tell them to f**k off. The amount of times it's happened to me... I've almost given up on asking for advice... almost

Thanks for those who think I've been unfairly flamed.

Thanks for those sharing their experiences.

Texting or using the chat function? People can be really horrid in the chat function, so I wouldn't want my child on it. As bullying does occur. So maybe not ban him, but say no chat, I will be checking.

Hi OP, dont feel bad you didn't realise that option could be disabled. I didn't even know Minecraft had online play so goes to show how much I know about this stuff!

Just draw a line under it and move on. I don't think you should be too upset with your ds. All kids push boundaries and at 7 he probably just thought he was okay as he watched the 'stay safe online' bit.

Sit with him, go through the rules again and maybe look over the screen at random intervals and make sure the chat box hasn't been used (or disable entirely if able)