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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call social services

138 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 09/07/2018 18:19

Myself and DP don't know what to do (if anything)
A neighbour across the street from us has been shouting at her little girl constantly. Not even shouting, she screams at her. We never hear the child, just the mother. It seems to be her way of communicating with her.

We can't hear them when they're in their house, only their garden. What with the hot weather, they've been out a lot. On Saturday, we actually counted the mother screaming 45 times in an hour. But it's constant throughout the day.

We've never heard any threats towards the little girl or any hitting but it does make me wonder what's going on behind closed doors. How much more screaming goes on indoors?

We're worried it's emotional abuse. It really is constant shouting and screaming, when they're outdoors at least.

We don't know them personally so don't know their situation, but we feel worried for the child. We've been thinking of calling social services for advice but is it uncalled for?

I don't want to split up a family/do nothing if a child is being harmed. What's the best thing to do?

OP posts:
Thefourmuskateers · 09/07/2018 20:23

SS wont give a shiny shit but it may cause her to rethink.

lily2403 · 09/07/2018 20:24

I'm sorry but who has time to sit and count shouts, maybe you need to hurry and have children see how many times you are ignored while trying to keep them safe getting them to sleep, sit still get dressed.....the list could go on.

Some of my neighbours scream obscenities at their children. Sending in the social services it very extreme for come here etc

Flatearthersphere · 09/07/2018 20:25

@Metoodear my godmother is Jamaican and she parented me so much and was so strict but so loving. I'm so grateful.

chocolateworshipper · 09/07/2018 20:26

Much better to phone "just in case" rather than do nothing and you find out too late that it was just one symptom of a massive problem.

starspangledbanner · 09/07/2018 20:26

There is a time and place for shouting - especially when parenting young children. 99.9% of us will have shouted at some point because children can be infuriating, stubborn and defiant. We can all try the nicey nicey approach, but there are times it just doesn't bloody work and shouting does tend to get their attention!

Having said that, it's not a nice environment for a child to live in. Who the hell wants to be communicated with via shouting all the time? I wouldn't.

OP - if it's as excessive as you say and happening frequently then yes, I would be calling NSPCC or SS for advice.

Just because the mother isn't calling her daughter a fucking little shit, or slapping her, doesn't mean it's not a damaging environment to grow up in.

Rockhopper81 · 09/07/2018 20:29

Just because the mother isn't calling her daughter a fucking little shit, or slapping her, doesn't mean it's not a damaging environment to grow up in.

Thank you!

Metoodear · 09/07/2018 20:32

Rockhopper81

I just don’t belive the op sat and counted 45 is very exact

I just don’t belive she sat for whole hour and counted don’t belive a bar

Metoodear · 09/07/2018 20:34

And anyone who shouts at their kids so much that they get defensive reading a thread like this should probably seek help with their parenting.
anyone who sits through someone else’s parenting counting the exact number of times(45) they raise their voice hasn’t got enough to do or is lying

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 20:34

That does sound like a lot of shouting, and very likely the mum does need some support. But what you've described isn't abuse, just a stressed mum with a challenging DD. I'm speaking as a mum with 2 adopted DDs, DD1 is 9 and has violent meltdowns, towards both myself and DD2. It would be devastating if our neighbours thought were to think I was being abusive rather than just attempting to keep everyone safe (DD1 herself, plus DD2, myself and our cats).

You just don't know what's going on. If you do hear your neighbour being abusive in what she says or does, then yes, you should act. But on the basis of what you've told us, then you should stay out of it.

mumsastudent · 09/07/2018 20:43

or if two children stop doing that to your brother/sister (again) by the end of day - threats (which parent has no intention of carrying out)? however approaching them may not be a good idea because if you do have to go to social services they will know it was you....however a little gentle tactful gossip with other neighbours...not pointed about whats happening but talking in general about all the neighbours and tactfully aim it towards that family and see what other neighbours say but don't drop yourself in it! You could talk to social services & ask their advice & log what you have seen & heard so you have something concrete to say.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/07/2018 20:44

anyone who sits through someone else’s parenting counting the exact number of times(45) they raise their voice hasn’t got enough to do or is lying

The OP and her DH are both concerned about the child. I assume they were monitoring the situation so that they can produce some idea of how bad things are, should they decide to seek further advice.

mumsastudent · 09/07/2018 20:45

ps I always use to think every parent must yell at their kids before going to school :)

CheshireChat · 09/07/2018 20:53

It sounds like you only hear when things escalate, it's impossible to tell from what you've said if you need to actually call anyone, perhaps seek advice from NSPC as they may put your mind at ease/ encourage you to contact SS. It may just be that the kid is easily distracted and you hear the mum when she's already fed up or she may need parenting classes to actually manage her kid's behaviour.

45 times/ hour is madness, but I reckon I could manage that with DS (telling off rather than shouting admittedly) as he has a tedious habit of escalating behaviour so I can't even pretend I'm not aware of what he's doing.

As an example, today you won't have heard me ask him to put away his Lego or me telling him I'll put it away completely if I have to tidy it up, but people on another planet will have heard the resulting tantrum when he didn't take any bloody notice.

pallisers · 09/07/2018 20:57

So NOT screaming constantly at your child is now considered that "gentle parenting bullshit"

Both the OP and her husband have separately become very uneasy about what is going on with that child. Despite the apologists for constant/near constant screaming at children, it isn't actually normal and even if it is normal round your way, it isn't good for children - it doesn't really matter that she isn't shouting foul abuse. If a woman posted her that her partner screamed instructions at her all day, she'd be told she was being abused. Ditto if it was a boss.

Not sure if ss will help, but if I lived next door to that, I'd contact someone or try to start a conversation with her.

Obviously if you are going to simply disbelieve the OP, then you will think nothing is wrong. Although why post when you think she is lying?

Flatearthersphere · 09/07/2018 21:10

I don't think op is lying, I think she has no idea that actually "put that down, stop that, come here" are things we often shout when not being listened to by a devilchild toddler

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 09/07/2018 21:29

@metoodear I don't understand why you've mentioned your skin colour and background repeatedly - it has nothing to do with this, and as I have not mentioned mine, my husbands, or my neighbours race, how is it relevant?

And of course I didn't sit with pen and paper and a stopwatch. I was sitting in my own garden with my partner having lunch and the neighbours just so happened to be out screaming for the hour or so we were out.

I appreciate all the responses, thank you.

OP posts:
Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 09/07/2018 21:31

I can't believe how many people on here are normalising this behaviour. The OP didn't say raising voices or shouting, she said screaming. Who gives a flying shit if she's 'timed' them or if she's not got kids? Am I a pearl clutcher because I don't scream at my kids? Because I don't see the need to? Because I parent in a different way and my kids have never needed to be screamed at? Sorry that I'm not wearing the Mumsnet 'tough as fuck gets it done' attitude that some seem to have on here but no, that's not parenting, it's belittling. It's frightening. And it's emotional abuse. Fucking hell, if being a 'middle class pearl clutcher' is what it takes to not lose my shit at my kids for not getting their shoes on or picking up their toys quick enough, so be it. OP, speaking as someone who wished someone had intervened for me, please ring SS. You may save this child a hell of a lot of hurt in the future.

pallisers · 09/07/2018 21:53

I think she has no idea that actually "put that down, stop that, come here" are things we often shout when not being listened to by a devilchild toddler

I reared 3 toddlers in my house which is within normal hearing distance of neighbours on each side and 3 houses behind me - in the summer we can pretty much hear normal conversation. And I certainly shouted at times. I didn't spend the majority of my time screaming at them and if I had, my neighbours would have asked me if everything was ok.

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 22:23

At the end of the day, we're not actually there. There clearly is a lot of shouting at the little girl. If you're concerned for the little girl's safety or her emotional wellbeing, then it would be right to report it to SS. They'll investigate and if all is well, it won't go any further.

FromAtoBin21months · 09/07/2018 22:37

I’m a mother to a 2 year old who never listens to me so sometimes I shout. Even though my first reaction to this was ‘omg that’s just normal’ like other pp’s say abuse isn’t always obvious

If you’re concerned enough and worried enough give NSPCC a call.

UneMoonit · 09/07/2018 22:37

Not having kids, it seems entirely sensible to go somewhere called mumsnet and ask - I don't see why people have to be borderline snarky about it. If you don't know you ask people who might, that's an intelligent thing to do.

I wouldn't say that sounds abusive. A naughty child, especially one with certain challenges might well have to be corrected every few minutes sometimes, and the things you list being said do sound like parenting corrections not abuse.

With that said, if you are really concerned, do you have any friends who have kids? They may be able to have a listen and offer some advice.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 09/07/2018 22:38

I can't believe how many people on here are normalising this behaviour. The OP didn't say raising voices or shouting, she said screaming

I agree. Can you imagine being screamed at all day by a partner as apparently it's ok to do to a child Hmm

I'd have no hesitation in making a call to stop a child being emotionally abused if I had concerns. Far better to be safe than sorry for the sake of the child.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 02:20

At this point it's not about condemning anyone as an abuser but making sure the children are ok. Hopefully this family will get some support.

malificent7 · 10/07/2018 06:13

I shout at dd. I will hand myself in then. Dd is very strong willed and dosnt respond to polite requests.
I shouted once as she was 15 minutes late home from the park and I was worried she'd been hurt. I was upset and angry. I don't want her to think she can wander in from play any time she fancies.

prettypinkpeonie · 10/07/2018 06:15

Trust me, if the Mum was truly screaming you can hear it when their indoors, outdoors, even in the next street.

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