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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Husband and his Parents

124 replies

Feb2018mumma · 09/07/2018 09:52

I've written on here a few times, to keep you up to date with my parenting journey so far... My mother in law let's herself in my house uninvited to see our baby, if I say no to a visit while husband is at work she will call or text him and ask him to try to over rule me. When I'm back at work baby has to go nursery as even though my mum is a child minder competitive grandparenting from MIL means she would need to have baby as much as my mum which doesn't work due to smoking and health issues. Before baby she never saw me but now I've had baby she says I should go out with her without my husband. Difficult as in the past she has called me a liar and given me panic attacks while pregnant... Husband said I had to forgive even though he was there for what she has said to me and knows I'm not a liar, he won't get involved and neither will FIL who also was there for some of the things she said never happened. I have recently been in hospital and am so drained but husband is saying I have to spend day with his family. I just want to rest but he makes me feel so guilty, because I have been sick for a week they haven't seen the baby and he says it's their right. Even writing this I am sobbing. I haven't seen my own parents as too worn out and they understand and although worried about me they put me first. I now have to try and get the energy to spend time with people who don't care about me at all! They just want to see our baby. I am so drained, I don't know what to do. I thought about staying with my parents but I have an appointment every day this week because of my health and can't really miss them. My husband doesn't seem to understand I am ill, and his family know how sick I am but have said that they need to see our baby minimum once a week to have a bond and I don't know how to argue it, I am just so drained and feel empty. At the end of the day after looking after a newborn all day while sick I have no fight left. I don't know whether I should be going as it's their right or what. I breastfeed and can't express so I am attached to baby too. I feel like I'm in the right but I can't describe how whenever I speak to my husband he manages to make me feel like I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 09/07/2018 10:00

Tell him to fuck of.
Then tell them to fuck of.
Then go to bed with baby,
Ask your mum to come and look after you both and Any objectors can get to fuck.
Tell your “D”H that he needs to put you and baby first or he can go back to mummy.

NymanPerkins · 09/07/2018 10:02

What fishface said

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 09/07/2018 10:07

👏👏🙌🙌 yy to fishface

TheFaerieQueene · 09/07/2018 10:14

What fishface said.

OP, I think, reading between the lines, that your DH and his parents are bullies. You won’t get anywhere with them if they are. They don’t have the empathy to respond to you and your needs, as they don’t see you as an equal. You are ill and have had a baby. Your husband should be bending over backwards to support you not issuing orders. If I was you, I would be seriously considering the future of my marriage- and leaving.

Best of luck and look after yourself.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2018 10:17

LTB.

None of them will change.

Can you move in with your mum for a while?

Shoxfordian · 09/07/2018 10:18

You have a dh problem as well as a mil problem. Go stay with your parents if you can and really consider if you want to stay with him.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/07/2018 10:18

Yep what Fishface said.

Your health and well being more important then his mother little hissy fits.

And tell him they are grandparent and they have no rights or responsibilities for your child.

k567 · 09/07/2018 10:18

If he gets to choose to 'not get involved' then so should you. The most important bond is your bond with baby not theirs. They have no rights and this once a week thing is bollocks. How does she 'let herself in?' Does she have a key? If she comes put your key in the lock and don't answer the door.
Can't stand competition grandparenting. Not in babies best interest. My MIL gets jealous like this.
Having his family forced onto you without his support and seeing things from your point of view is only going to make your anxiety worse.
I told my partner if I couldn't relax at home without fear of people turning up or visitors being forced on me then that's not what I call home and I would go and live at my mums with baby. Sorry not much practical advice but you are not being unreasonable.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/07/2018 10:19

Sorry posted to soon

Hope you get your health sorted and some rest soon.

ScreenQueen · 09/07/2018 10:19

See fishface's wise words Flowers

marymoosmum · 09/07/2018 10:20

Agree with fishface. Tell them to do one, you are ill and it is your "right" to spend the time in bed with your baby and for your mum to help to look after you. Tell them they can see the baby when you are better and not until and if they can't accept that then it will be no contact.

glitterbiscuits · 09/07/2018 10:21

Get Fishface round!

You are going to have to put your big girls pants on OP, channel Fishface here. Stand up to them and stay stood up!

kimber83 · 09/07/2018 10:22

Your DH should be protecting you from unreasonable demands.

He isn't, he's the source of more pressure!

You don't have just an in law problem, your DH is the problem.

You physically can't meet their arbitrary time demands. You shouldn't be expected to.

When do you get to put your bonding with baby first?
Or your health?

Never while this setup continues.

SnartyFartBlast · 09/07/2018 10:22

That's shit.
Excellent advice from fishface.
I hope you're feeling better soon Flowers

kimber83 · 09/07/2018 10:24

In practical terms, change the locks.
Wedge something at the door. Turn off phone, telling DH your plan in case he thinks it's an emergency (do not ask though).
Move out, like other posters.

Home should be sanctuary!!

Fishface77 · 09/07/2018 10:24

Op there’s a saying, your can’t control the action of others but you can control your reactions or summat like that.

Stop feeling guilty these people clearly don’t give a shit about you so why should you care about their feelings?
Your husband can only guilt you if you let him so, easier said than done, don’t let him. He can deal with mil reactions and hysteria. That’s probably why he wants you to go, so he gets no fall out and it’s an easy life for him.

Narnia72 · 09/07/2018 10:27

You poor thing, I want to give you a hug and come and tell your inlaws to fuck off.

Your baby, not theirs.
Your health, not theirs
You are in charge and get to call the shots.

What I would do - if you feel up to it.

Say to your husband that he needs to listen to you. That you are ill, and need looking after. That your inlaws constant demands are making you worse and you cannot cope anymore so either he keeps them at bay, or you're going to your mums.

Don't worry about the childminding v nursery argument now, but when you have strength, just say "this is what we're doing and it works for us. " If they kick off say that you would love them to be involved in your baby's life and give them specific times/roles. Such as "we'd love to make a tradition of coming over to your house once a month for Sunday lunch." Or hosting them if that's preferable. "Would you like to meet us in town for lunch on Friday?" Then you're in control of when you arrive and depart, and any smoking issues won't be so bad.

You need to set your boundaries early on with family like this, otherwise they will completely take over and ruin your early months.

Hope you feel better soon

BlueBug45 · 09/07/2018 10:28

You don't need to see a baby who you aren't the main carer of every week to bond with it. Your MIL is talking shit. Have a look at the grandson is a traitor joke thread as an example of this.

Get your mother in as Fishface said and tell your MIL to stop talking shit.

swimmerlab · 09/07/2018 10:30

Your husband is the problem, he is catering to his mum's wants rather than your needs.

Tell him straight what you need and that you expect his support. If he won't give it go and stay with your family.

Your MIL does not get to dictate what happens with you or your child.

StepBackNow · 09/07/2018 10:31

Leave him. Go and live with your mother. This will never change.

Kate123cl · 09/07/2018 10:33

What is wrong with in laws?! It's important that you have time to yourself and get to know YOUR baby. Your DH sounds very childish and much like my DP! Explain to them that you need time alone with your baby!

OverTheHedgeHammy · 09/07/2018 10:33

Pffft, how the hell is him putting pressure on you to sort it, and to spend time with his mum 'not getting involved'?!

He sounds plenty involved. What he isn't doing is backing you up. He's in his mum's corner, not yours. Tell him to go and do one.

daughterofanarchy · 09/07/2018 10:33

OP. Sorry to ask And I hope I don’t offend, but are you from an ethnic minority background? I only ask because this type of attitude runs rife within certain segments of ethnic minority communities. I experienced this sort of behaviour myself from DH family. I do agree with what other posters have put - please look after yourself and baby’s needs first, everyone else can pee off!

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 09/07/2018 10:34

I channeled Mumsnet when I was ill last week and said I couldn't see them and agreed to this week instead. Then this weekend got a lovely ambulance ride to hospital as got worse and have been told to relax which husband obviously thinks means spend the day with his family! He keeps asking if his mum can come round to help me but last time she packed away all my family photos as they were clutter and did a lot of other little things including waking the baby up to play. I think because I'm worn out it's hard to be in control especially as everyone says it's their right and not fair, and i get if it was my grandson I'd want to see him every week but I'd like to think I'd put his mum first? Who even knows! I know he will say it's too late to cancel and I'm being unfair. I do think about leaving sometimes it's just hard when the only issue revolves around his parents? If he was horrible all the time it would be one thing but we only argue over his parents :(

OP posts:
Oddcat · 09/07/2018 10:36

The trouble with people like this , and I'm including your husband, is that they won't ever listen, they won't ever understand because they are selfish bullies. If talking to them would make them see how unreasonable they are , then they wouldn't really be behaving like this in the first place, because reasonable people just wouldn't anyway .