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AIBU?

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Original poster

My Husband and his Parents

124 replies

Feb2018mumma · 09/07/2018 09:52

I've written on here a few times, to keep you up to date with my parenting journey so far... My mother in law let's herself in my house uninvited to see our baby, if I say no to a visit while husband is at work she will call or text him and ask him to try to over rule me. When I'm back at work baby has to go nursery as even though my mum is a child minder competitive grandparenting from MIL means she would need to have baby as much as my mum which doesn't work due to smoking and health issues. Before baby she never saw me but now I've had baby she says I should go out with her without my husband. Difficult as in the past she has called me a liar and given me panic attacks while pregnant... Husband said I had to forgive even though he was there for what she has said to me and knows I'm not a liar, he won't get involved and neither will FIL who also was there for some of the things she said never happened. I have recently been in hospital and am so drained but husband is saying I have to spend day with his family. I just want to rest but he makes me feel so guilty, because I have been sick for a week they haven't seen the baby and he says it's their right. Even writing this I am sobbing. I haven't seen my own parents as too worn out and they understand and although worried about me they put me first. I now have to try and get the energy to spend time with people who don't care about me at all! They just want to see our baby. I am so drained, I don't know what to do. I thought about staying with my parents but I have an appointment every day this week because of my health and can't really miss them. My husband doesn't seem to understand I am ill, and his family know how sick I am but have said that they need to see our baby minimum once a week to have a bond and I don't know how to argue it, I am just so drained and feel empty. At the end of the day after looking after a newborn all day while sick I have no fight left. I don't know whether I should be going as it's their right or what. I breastfeed and can't express so I am attached to baby too. I feel like I'm in the right but I can't describe how whenever I speak to my husband he manages to make me feel like I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/07/2018 13:08

"I don't get this "equal time" thing either."

No-I mean it's fine if everyone gets on & has the time to do it.

When my kids were little offered the Ils the chance to come & see us every week like my parents did.

They didn't want to visit without their son there so that was me told!

We now live abroad & they moan how little they've ever seen themHmm
(They've never visited us here either!)

Hissy · 09/07/2018 13:10

Tell H that they are NOT to come round, that you have asked them to give you space and they are not, so it's a NO for the foreseeable future.

There is no other option for you other than to put down boundaries and isist that they are respected. This is your health, it's important as it does have a bearing on your experience as a mother.

Set the boundary now. HARD.

No they won''t like it, bullies like this don't like it, but this is the exact reason why they have to be told.

Then, could you go to your mothers?

StaplesCorner · 09/07/2018 13:12

Once you are safely away with your baby at your sisters house, give him an ultimatum and see what he chooses.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 09/07/2018 13:35

You're being too nice OP and being walked over for it. Sometimes you need to say No once in a while. And keep saying it. They're behaving like this with you because you are allowing it to happen.

You're a mum now yourself, and you need that inner lioness to come out. It's all about territory and she's pissing all over yours right now. And only you can put a stop to it.

chocorabbit · 09/07/2018 13:59

So he refuses to get involved but has no problem getting involved when his mother calls and asks him to overrule him?! You are not 5 years old.

chocorabbit · 09/07/2018 14:05

overrule you

KokoandAllBall · 09/07/2018 14:25

Plan to go and stay with your DM as soon as you are well enough, it will be something to look forward to. Tell your DH how much mental strain his family is putting you under and you need some space.

Arum51 · 09/07/2018 15:36

Ring your mum. She'll come and get you.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 10/07/2018 15:55

Have had text from husband and because I said was too sick to go see his parents they are coming to see us.

OP posts:
NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 10/07/2018 16:03

Tell him/them no. You get to decide what happens in your own home.

diedyediedye · 10/07/2018 16:13

No you put your foot down and tell you husband that you are to ill for visitors and let him take the little one to his parents house.

crazychemist · 10/07/2018 16:14

OP, you have to reaply to that message ASAP. Tell him you are not up to visitors. It is not at all reasonable to force guests on you. If he wants to see them, he should go and see them.

crazychemist · 10/07/2018 16:16

If you don't stand your ground now, how will you in the future? If you let him get away with this, you have not only lost this argument, but every similar argument in future. You have to stand up for yourself and your child.

crazychemist · 10/07/2018 16:17

If they arrive before him, don't answer the door. Leave it locked with your key in the lock. If he comes first you MUST tell him that this is unacceptable and get him to cancel.

Hissy · 10/07/2018 16:28

Text him to tell him that you don't want them coming and if they do you will bar the door and not allow them in.

Call your mum and gtf up to her home.

GabriellaMontez · 10/07/2018 16:31

Go to your mum's

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 10/07/2018 16:42

If you are too ill to see his parents at their house, you are too sick to see his parents at your house. Do not answer the door, make sure it is locked on the inside and just ignore any attempts to contact you and when your DH contacts you just say, I told you I was ill, what part of that did you not understand & tell him to stop bullying you. I would also tell DH that there are going to be changes - no more weekly visits to see his parents, or visits from them to you, from now on it will be every fortnight, then gradually change to every 3 weeks & continue. Alternatively you could just leave your DH and move closer to your parents, which would be the less stressful option & the one I would choose,. Life is too short to live with bullies and it will only get worse as your child gets older.

peppapoops · 10/07/2018 16:43

Please have a serious think op as to whether your really want to spend the rest of your life with this bullying piece of shit.

Think about the example you want to set for your baby. Would you want them to feel as you do? If your baby was in a similar situation as an adult, what would you suggest they do?

Take care of yourself Thanks x

coconutpie · 10/07/2018 17:03

What fishface said. Tell them all to fuck off.
I would also reconsider sending your baby to your mum to mine since she's a childminder rather than a nursery. Fuck MIL and the horse she rode in on.

Time for you to tell DH that his parents will not be visiting until you say so and if he forces this visit then you will be packing his bags and he can go and live with his mummy and see his child every other weekend. Your husband is a dick to try and get you to do this. And change your locks.

AudiQ2 · 10/07/2018 17:12

"No they are not!!" - This is what you text back to your husband!!!! Either that or take your baby and go to your Mums - right now!

RuggerHug · 10/07/2018 18:03

'No they are not.They can visit YOU somewhere outside the home, I'm too ill. What part is confusing for them or will I call them directly and tell them they aren't getting in the door?'

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 10/07/2018 19:04

Extremely outing but I can't keep it to myself, theyve just been round and she said at least illness should have helped me lose a few pounds... I am 4 pounds above my pre baby weight... Healthy BMI and a size 10, I am so depressed, I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/07/2018 19:06

Have you thrown them out of your home yet?

If not, do that now and tell them to never set foot in your road without an express invitation from you personally

lottiegarbanzo · 10/07/2018 19:07

Just tell her to fuck off!

Or, you know, 'did you mean to be so rude?'

or 'I've had enough of your rudeness. After you've apologised and when you're ready to be civil, we can discuss you coming round here again'. 'I don't need your 'help' and I don't want you in my home. Goodbye'. etc.

LittleOwl153 · 10/07/2018 19:18

Talk to your midwife / health visitor / gp. You need to tell them what is happening. They will help you. Do not let her criticise your weight, or change what you are doing with baby.