My Husband and his Parents

[Feb2018mumma]

I've written on here a few times, to keep you up to date with my parenting journey so far... My mother in law let's herself in my house uninvited to see our baby, if I say no to a visit while husband is at work she will call or text him and ask him to try to over rule me. When I'm back at work baby has to go nursery as even though my mum is a child minder competitive grandparenting from MIL means she would need to have baby as much as my mum which doesn't work due to smoking and health issues. Before baby she never saw me but now I've had baby she says I should go out with her without my husband. Difficult as in the past she has called me a liar and given me panic attacks while pregnant... Husband said I had to forgive even though he was there for what she has said to me and knows I'm not a liar, he won't get involved and neither will FIL who also was there for some of the things she said never happened. I have recently been in hospital and am so drained but husband is saying I have to spend day with his family. I just want to rest but he makes me feel so guilty, because I have been sick for a week they haven't seen the baby and he says it's their right. Even writing this I am sobbing. I haven't seen my own parents as too worn out and they understand and although worried about me they put me first. I now have to try and get the energy to spend time with people who don't care about me at all! They just want to see our baby. I am so drained, I don't know what to do. I thought about staying with my parents but I have an appointment every day this week because of my health and can't really miss them. My husband doesn't seem to understand I am ill, and his family know how sick I am but have said that they need to see our baby minimum once a week to have a bond and I don't know how to argue it, I am just so drained and feel empty. At the end of the day after looking after a newborn all day while sick I have no fight left. I don't know whether I should be going as it's their right or what. I breastfeed and can't express so I am attached to baby too. I feel like I'm in the right but I can't describe how whenever I speak to my husband he manages to make me feel like I'm unreasonable.

You could have said "Well yes I have around 4lb to shift, but then again I've just had a baby, what's your excuse?" The motto I tell all my friends is "We teach others how to treat us". Say this to yourself over and over and think about how your 'H' and his parents treat you and what it is about you that allows them to do so. Nobody would speak to me like that. You need to flex your muscles my lovely - you hold all the cards.

You're only 4lb over? I wish I was only 4lb over

I reckon it's some kind of weird deep rooted jealously going on.

You need someone to fight your corner. Please either get your Mum or sister over or go and stay with them. It’s you alone against them and from everything I’ve read they’re bullies who take your needs for nothing. Get someone to stand behind you, to look after you in a way that doesn’t make you more stressed.

I am speechless at your husband’s inability to be that person. He needs to see you and your needs before some drummed up contact needs by his mummy.

You need to cut contact immediately, it’s not doing you any good at all.

Please stick up for yourself, you deserve better

Did you protest at all today, OP or did you let it happen?

What would happen if you said No to your DH?

I think you need to have a serious talk with DH, he should be supporting you! He shouldn't let her talk shit about you. You need to focus on your recovery and the baby. He needs to realise you are more important than his mother.
Good luck x

Tell DH if they want to see the baby, then HE can take the baby along and they can all have a happy little day out while you chill out at home on your own.

I said no to going out as ill which he said was understandable, but it's hard to say no when it's my house and I can just sit on sofa or stay in bed! After this last comment I am done for a while, it was so horrendous, I'm still in shock she said it! O told husband he should be embarrassed of his mother, that if I had said it to anyone he would have been appaled!

And what was DH reply?
“That’s jut how she is”
“She didn’t mean anything”?

Hi hat was your cue to say “fuck of. Your so rude, don’t come to my house unless I personally invite you.” And go upstairs taking baby with you.
Your DH is a wet lettuce, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
My concern is that this whole situation is pushing you into severe PND. See your health visitor/GP ASAP.
Get RL help and support.

I wo uld almost place a bet on it that MI L wont be interested once baby is no longer a baby.

Life is short, stic k up for yourself.

OP, if you don't do something this is only going to get worse.

Your choices at this stage are:

A) fix your marriage - tell your DH what you consider to be acceptable boundaries and make sure they are adhered to. Presumably you let the inlaws in the house?

B) if you can't fix your marriage, or if DH won't engage/doesn't agree, you cut your losses. Move in with your mum and separate from your husband. If you can't handle a scene, pack and leave while he is at work, leave him with a letter stating under what conditions you would return. Stick to your conditions, if that means divorce so be it, you may well be better off

C) accept the situation as it is - your DH will never change his attitude, and you will have to put up with constant abuse from your MIL, including in front of your DC, which will shape their views on healthy relationships.

Which option do you prefer? Fundamentally it is your choice, nobody can fix this but you.

Your dh should have stood up for you re the weight comment! I’m disgusted on your behalf.

Your dh needs to grow a pair and start protecting his family from her... she’s toxic and nasty. If he can’t do it then you need to start thinking of ways to handle her behaviour. Such as, if she turns up and she’s not welcome take you and the baby upstairs, or if you feel like it go out. Who cares if you come across as being rude!

OP: your husband seriously needs to grow a pair. I’d agree about having your mum there or someone on your side. Their attitude and comments will really wear you down.

Fishface has said everything that I’d say but just to reiterate: no is a complete sentence. Maybe practice saying it to yourself so you can get used to it and feel confident saying it?

No, I don’t want to. No, it’s not what’s best for me or my baby. No, they will not come around.

Could you go to your sisters now?

Holy Fucking HELL!! This has made me angry just reading all this, OP. Please, you NEED to call your sister or mother. While your husband is at work, you need to pack a couple of bags - maybe take time to write a note - (or even send him an email to this thread) and get your sister to pick you up. Right....fucking....now! By disrespecting you, the mother of his child, he is affecting your health and that of his child. WTF is wrong with him?!?? How can he be so callous, cold, so cruel and selfish? And how can your mother (or father) or sister allow this to happen to you without staging a major rescue operation - unless they don't know what has been happening? If you are this stressed and worn down, you can contract a serious illness, at least possibly a septicemia. And you are breastfeeding. You are not well and this is not even an option for you, you need to go now. Even if only for a week or two.

Please. Seriously, please, just pack a few bags and get your sister to pick you up. Like, literally, after you have read this.

Is there anyone who can drive you to your sister or mums in the next day or so?

You need to be looked after properly and have peace and quiet to rest and care for your baby.

Your DH needs a shock to the system. I'd not even tell him I was going. Just pack up and leave and when he phones to find out where you are, you tell him that he should have listened to you on the many many times you told him that you didn't want visitors and weren't up to entertaining his parents. And now you have been collected and taken to somewhere you can be cared for properly. Like he should be doing.

Leave. Ring your mum/sister. She is a nasty piece of work and won't change. Your DH can't/won't see it so won't change. It will drag you down and seriously affect your child's view on acceptable boundaries and relationships between "loving" people. Tell your GP and HV/midwife. IF that wakes your DH up, you might be able to rebuild your relationship but as it stands your relationship will wither from the constant drip of poison that is your MIL.

enirem

That's a fab way of putting it... Is this person helping me be a good mum to fragile helpless newborn.

Op I have been there, I will never forget or forgive it. I read the same thing over and over again on mumsnet.
I'm starting to think we need proper laws to support first time mothers from wicked mils. My first experience was dominated by mils need to see and bond with my baby. Even though she had verbally abused me days after the birth...

These are wicked selfish women, supported by weak horrid husbands and in your case op your awful dh.
If my dh had not supported me I may not be here right now due to the unpleasant negative energy she brought to me the happy birth of my dc, and also because my marriage would not have survived.

As aside for all the people talking about health visitor.. I told mine about Mil getting be alone to verbally abuse me etc days after birth.. She suggested dh took baby to see her a few times a week.

That was not good advice. Mil behaved atrociously and we were shell shocked, couldn't think straight... So beware....

Definitely leave op. The problem is the in laws won't listen.. You can only withdraw.. I totally agree with all the posters saying stand up for yourself but it's emotional and mental stress to have to do so when I'll, new born etc.. And no support.

Right now just leave, don't tell dh, goto your sister ask her not to respond if he contacts and yes give him a big shock.

OP please please stand up for yourself and your baby - or please reach out to a local women’s organisation who may be able to help you if you wish to leave. You should not be forced to live an unhappy life around people you don’t want to be around

Please. Seriously, please, just pack a few bags and get your sister to pick you up. Like, literally, after you have read this

Please do as Salem suggests. You are too physically and emotionally exhausted to fight this battle alone.

it is easy for people to say - "Just leave him", They may be right, but he is your husband and the father of your precious baby, and you don't want to leave your relationship because you are too fragile in every way at the moment.

What you need is distance - from him and especially his poisonous mother - and the chance to build yourself up; you need physical rest and freedom from drama and aggression. Your parents can give you this space.

Do as others have suggested - get someone to drive you to your mum's - a taxi if necessary. Leave a note saying you felt too unwell to cope alone and have gone for a rest. Don't engage with anyone (including your H) if you don't want to.

He and his family are abusing you just as much as if they slapped you - they know you are unwell and they know you need space, but they won't give you it.

You really need to think of yourself now, otherwise you won't be able to protect your baby from their appalling bullying, either. Also - if you are breast-feeding it will affect your milk production - and what is more, babies pick up on anxiety - it will stress your little one too, even though he doesn't know what is going on.

If you can't fight for yourself, summon your inner Tigress and protect your Cub.

I agree with fishface.It is hard enough with a newbie but your illness and lack of support from dh makes it harder.
I saw my gp about once a month and stayed overnights when I was older. I had a wonderful relationship with them...probably made better as visits were special.
They have no rights over yours. Your gutless husband should draw a line under previous behaviour and open his eyes to the fact You. Come. First.
If you have made arrangements to see them which have to be postponed. Tough.
Your dh can spare a couple of hours here and there taking your baby to see them on the understanding he is back before feeding time. If, that is, you can trust them not to buy bottles and formula. Two hours max is not unreasonable and would give you time to rest.
They need reminding that this is not their child and you come as a package. If they carry on being vile, you will withdraw visiting.
As to this bollocks guilting you, just laugh. Th st are playing on your insecurities. This is a deal breaker. Unless your dh and his family treat and show you more respect, you will take dc to your mum's and stay there.

I wouldn't let him take the baby to them. I wouldn't trust him to put anyone's needs first apart from his parents' at the moment. I think you really need to go somewhere where you will be looked after with you and baby as number one priority.

Hey feb how you feeling? Has it calmed down now?