My Husband and his Parents

[Feb2018mumma]

I've written on here a few times, to keep you up to date with my parenting journey so far... My mother in law let's herself in my house uninvited to see our baby, if I say no to a visit while husband is at work she will call or text him and ask him to try to over rule me. When I'm back at work baby has to go nursery as even though my mum is a child minder competitive grandparenting from MIL means she would need to have baby as much as my mum which doesn't work due to smoking and health issues. Before baby she never saw me but now I've had baby she says I should go out with her without my husband. Difficult as in the past she has called me a liar and given me panic attacks while pregnant... Husband said I had to forgive even though he was there for what she has said to me and knows I'm not a liar, he won't get involved and neither will FIL who also was there for some of the things she said never happened. I have recently been in hospital and am so drained but husband is saying I have to spend day with his family. I just want to rest but he makes me feel so guilty, because I have been sick for a week they haven't seen the baby and he says it's their right. Even writing this I am sobbing. I haven't seen my own parents as too worn out and they understand and although worried about me they put me first. I now have to try and get the energy to spend time with people who don't care about me at all! They just want to see our baby. I am so drained, I don't know what to do. I thought about staying with my parents but I have an appointment every day this week because of my health and can't really miss them. My husband doesn't seem to understand I am ill, and his family know how sick I am but have said that they need to see our baby minimum once a week to have a bond and I don't know how to argue it, I am just so drained and feel empty. At the end of the day after looking after a newborn all day while sick I have no fight left. I don't know whether I should be going as it's their right or what. I breastfeed and can't express so I am attached to baby too. I feel like I'm in the right but I can't describe how whenever I speak to my husband he manages to make me feel like I'm unreasonable.

Also I hear a lot on mumsnet you don’t have a mil problem you have a DH problem, I don’t mean this in a nasty way but sometimes people have a “you” problem. The “fear” of upsetting someone, causing upset, saying no paralyses you. It stunts any normal reactions.
It makes you stretch your boundaries to breaking point. It makes you doubt yourself.
Treat yourself as a valued friend or relative. YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS MATTER.

They are putting you in a fast track to PND and they don't give a fuck.

maxthemartian

“They are putting you in a fast track to PND and they don't give a fuck”

THIS.

IF (big if!) the only issue is with his parents then I do sympathise. I have a very difficult relationship with DMIL. DH is often really torn when she is being unreasonable because he feels responsible for her as she alienates most people so is alone a lot.

We had a bit of an upset this week. My DM looks after my DD for two days a week when I'm at work. DMIL was here for a visit, so said she could look after DD. I said I wanted to stick with the existing arrangement because it was the last time my DM would do it and she and DD are very comfortable with each other (DMIL was living abroad, so had only seen DD 3 times previously). DMIL packed her bags in the middle of the night and stormed off and is now not speaking to me and told DH I was abusive and controlling and didn't value him and his family as much as my own.

I say all of this to give context as I assume that your DH has similarly unreasonable relatives that he struggles to deal with, and I want you to know you're not alone.

BUT you don't need to put them first. It sounds as if you are very unwell, so their behaviour is unreasonable and DH should be sheltering you from it. If he isn't, you have to be firm. Tell DMIL how pleased you are that she wants to be involved with her grandchild, but that you are unwell so cannot have visitors right now. Then end the conversation without getting drawn in further e.g. If she starts talking about her rights just restate that you aren't well enough right now. DON'T get upset, don't argue because if she's anything like my DMIL she'll be an experienced manipulator and get you to say things you don't mean and then quote you out of context to your DH. Just keep repeating "I'm sorry, I'm not well enough for visitors right now". Do NOT answer her if she asks when you will be well etc. Keep repeating, then end conversation.

She won't listen. I don't know how she is getting into your house, but if the door is locked with your key on the inside she can't. Stay in bed with baby and a DVD box set, she'll get bored of trying eventually.

DH will be cross because she'll make it his problem, but just take the same repetitive tack with him. He'll want you to deal with it because it's hard for him to do so. Just don't. Keep calmly repeating. Eventually he will have to deal with it.

While it's lovely they clearly care and love your new baby, this is really unfair on you and you do not have to put up with it.

Your parents sound really understanding. In your position, I'd ask them to come round to support YOU. Every weekend.

Make it clear to DH your parents are coming to support you as he is failing.

Your mum will be able to back you up and 'safeguard' your baby from MIL to make sure she dosnt selfishly wake him to play or get too 'helpful'. I should imagine she'll behave if your mum is there to keep an eye on her.

I also would put money on MIL not wanting to visit so often, if every time she does, your mum is there too - She can't bully and intimate you when your Mum is there.

Your Mum can also make it clear to DH how important it is he looks out for you aswell as the baby and everything else comes second.

Funnily enough when pregnant two midwives witnessed my MIL and told me to leave/ cut contact! I have a few long lasting health problems that pregnancy hasn't helped, I know he is a mummy's boy too, in the past I've heard her say horrible things about me to him and he has let her. Mum lives a long way away so can't drive up as doctors said not to drive for now. I know MIL issue isn't me as she has had issues with every friend she has ever had... Even cut off her own family, she is never wrong and if she is quoted what she has said she just shouts lies/liar. I have lots of doctors appointment and hospital appointments this week but think will go stay with my sister next week for the week to get a break away from everything.

I remember your last post. Seriously it is time to start sanding up for yourself. There is no way I would be facilitating once a week contact with my in laws especially if I was ill. If dh wants your parents to see dc once a week then it's his responsibility to arrange that.
I can not understand why you are going along with the idea that you can't see your family unless you see dh family the same amount. I see my parents lots more than I see in laws and if my in laws had a problem with that I would tell them it's none of their business.

You need to have a serious talk with dh. Are you prepared to have a life time of your needs being lower than his parents? And for dc to see how little dh cares about your feelings?

I hope you are feeling better soon and you find a way to get dh to be decent and that your in laws back off.

What fishface said. With bells on. Tell him if he wants his parents to see ds then he can take him round. You need to rest and recover. Don’t be bullied x

No you dont have to spend the day with them, he doesnt dictate this
No they dont have to come every week (I want to cry at the thought)
No they dont have any rights, your husband is a bullshitter.

I'm in disbelief in how he thinks he can decide how you spend your time and you owe these idiots fuck all!

"When I'm back at work baby has to go nursery"-no they don't.

"Husband said I had to forgive" -no you don't

"husband is saying I have to spend day with his family."-no you don't

Why doesn't he piss off & spend the day with his family & leave you in peace?

He sounds so horrible that I think that you leave him.

It's one thing to not one to upset your mum-but to treat your OH like shit in the process just takes it too far.

" will go stay with my sister next week for the week to get a break away from everything."

Good!

OMG you poor love. This brings back memories of being overwhelmed by family visits at times when my first child was tiny - he's 23 and it's still vivid when I think about it and my relatives were well meaning enough, just a bit excited about the baby and not very aware of my needs. You in-laws sound horrible and two midwives wouldn't have told you to leave if they didn't feel it was serious.

I'd hate for my daughter to be in your situation.

Can you get your sister to come and pick you and the baby up today? Could someone drive you to her?

Once there, you could register with her GP as a temporary patient, explain the situation and get your immediate health needs looked after there. They will help you.

Do you have any good friends who could help you out here? Honestly, if a friend of mine was in this situation, I would help if I could, by driving you to your mum/sister or even having you and the baby to stay for a while (and I normally hate having people to stay!)

You need to be in bed with your baby being looked after by people who care about you.

He says it's not fair to them - And what is fair to you? You are his WIFE! You and your child should be his first priority, he made that pledge when he married and had a child with you.

You need to have serious words about his loyalties and priorities, if he insists on putting his parents needs before you and your childs then you marriage is doomed.

Your in laws have no rights to your child, zero, nada, none.

Tbh, he sounds like a right knobber and I would get rid, his parents can see the kid when he has access visits when he can take the child there, which will be when the baby doesn't need you there to breastfeed so they might be waiting a while. See if he prefers that resolution, the spineless twerp.

My only advice is if you do keep fighting back, eventually you will gain the upper hand. The bad news is that because you are a kind and considerate person who does not want to cause a big family bust-up, it could take several years to get where you want things to be. However, the good news is that if you and your husband have a good relationship you will get through this and get to a place where you call the shots. Your husband is clearly a family-oriented person who feels a strong sense of duty, and this is a great starting point - you just need to keep encouraging him to see your new family unit as his first loyalty. I know it's a struggle when you are ill and weak but keep focussed on the fact that you and your husband can make a strong loving family. Once they get the message that you cannot be controlled or pushed around, his family should realise they have a lot to lose by upsetting you.

OP with my first ds I was in exactly the same situation...5.5 years on and another ds2 later I'll advise what I really wish I'd done then that would have saved me years of grief and honestly started the lead to the marriage breakup

You can't be fluffy or accommodating on this I promise you it has to be clear and now then you go to bed with the baby

"DH...right now you are personally destroying any hope of an amicable relationship between me and your parents, you are showing me how unimportant myself and dc are by being more concerned with your parents needs.

Your mother does not "help"and you know this so stop insulting my intelligence by trying to manipulate me...what you are doing is causing me huge pressure and fairness is not relevant when the health and mental health of your wife and child are in play.

You can now make the choice to be a decent father and husband because everything else as wonderful as it is does not exempt you and allow you to use us as a human shield to retain your parents conditional Iove or play in a system where our needs are sacrificed..

You can be a decent father and husband by supporting us ,not putting pressure on us and frankly accepting your parents needs are unimportant ,invalid and unacceptable when they did not birth this baby.

If you can stand up for us support an protect us to bond and live in a comfortable way it is likely I will be able to have a decent boundaries relationship with your parents

Do not negotiate on your parents behalf as it simply shows me you are more interested in their needs than mine and our child's and that we are less important

If you do not...leave "

I promise you OP all the back and forth and debate ends in heart break

Lay the boundary and stick to it

"He keeps asking if his mum can come round to help me "

Does he actually mean do stuff that he should be doing?

No arguments. No discussion. You don't have to explain yourself. What fishface said.

Btw your husband is a shit. Do you realise this? He should be loving and supporting you at this difficult time more than ever.

Husband said I had to forgive

Fuck that! You can "forgive"if and when you are ready to - it's not like flipping a switch, and you could tell your arsehole of a husband that you would find it easier to forgive if his harpy of a mother would fuck off and give you some space!

Then follow Fishface's advice.

To the LETTER!

on your behalf.

Your husband is a twat...take the baby and go to your mums....or get your mum to stay at your house..I'd be getting myself well and planning to leave..who needs this shit?

My DC live 300 miles from DGPs. They don’t see them very much but are very close. Don’t be blackmailed!

OP nobody is entitled to time with your baby apart from you and your husband.
Find that confidence inside you and tell them to fuck off

It seems like you're being far too pleasant.

There must be many (most?) times in life where being a naturally 'nice' person is an advantage, and it seems like you are one of those people. Just like there are times when some of us have to dial up the niceness (in the interests of harmonious relationships and not being shunned for over-brutal honesty, even when I seriously don't feel like it!) there are times when you have to accept that what you need to say is going to upset someone and that they might be shocked or react otherwise negatively at your apparent departure from your typical niceness.

I don't need to repeat what everyone above is saying in terms of what to actually tell your DH / MIL. Give yourself permission to act in a way that will bring about a negative judgement from them. That is OK. As others have said, politeness and pleasantness are going to get you absolutely nowhere here.

I don't get this "equal time" thing either. Does your DH spend equal time with your mother as with his? Thought not. Even if there were some equal time principle, the equality would be DH takes DS to his mum in an approximately as helpful/ fun / relationship-building / positive /frequent set of interactions as you do with your mum.

And there isn't any equal rights principle! The familiarity, intimacy, closeness and relationships we build are individual and based on our actual interactions, not forced according to our other interactions. And it's not on you to manage relationships with both sets of parents.

Please, please take Fishface's advice and stay with your mum.

You are like a soldier who has force-marched 1,000 miles, fought a huge battle, and is now being attacked from all sides by guerrilla troops.

You are physically too exhausted, and mentally too upset to do this alone. Your hormones are all over the place, as well - you need to be cherished and loved. You need your MUM.

I think you should ask your mum for help. Ask her if she can come to you because you really need her. Or do you have any siblings who can come to you?

I’m with fishface on all this.