My Husband and his Parents

[Feb2018mumma]

I've written on here a few times, to keep you up to date with my parenting journey so far... My mother in law let's herself in my house uninvited to see our baby, if I say no to a visit while husband is at work she will call or text him and ask him to try to over rule me. When I'm back at work baby has to go nursery as even though my mum is a child minder competitive grandparenting from MIL means she would need to have baby as much as my mum which doesn't work due to smoking and health issues. Before baby she never saw me but now I've had baby she says I should go out with her without my husband. Difficult as in the past she has called me a liar and given me panic attacks while pregnant... Husband said I had to forgive even though he was there for what she has said to me and knows I'm not a liar, he won't get involved and neither will FIL who also was there for some of the things she said never happened. I have recently been in hospital and am so drained but husband is saying I have to spend day with his family. I just want to rest but he makes me feel so guilty, because I have been sick for a week they haven't seen the baby and he says it's their right. Even writing this I am sobbing. I haven't seen my own parents as too worn out and they understand and although worried about me they put me first. I now have to try and get the energy to spend time with people who don't care about me at all! They just want to see our baby. I am so drained, I don't know what to do. I thought about staying with my parents but I have an appointment every day this week because of my health and can't really miss them. My husband doesn't seem to understand I am ill, and his family know how sick I am but have said that they need to see our baby minimum once a week to have a bond and I don't know how to argue it, I am just so drained and feel empty. At the end of the day after looking after a newborn all day while sick I have no fight left. I don't know whether I should be going as it's their right or what. I breastfeed and can't express so I am attached to baby too. I feel like I'm in the right but I can't describe how whenever I speak to my husband he manages to make me feel like I'm unreasonable.

I have recently been in hospital and am so drained but husband is saying I have to spend day with his family.

No you don't. He's acting like a twat.

I just want to rest but he makes me feel so guilty, because I have been sick for a week they haven't seen the baby and he says it's their right.

They have no 'rights'. He and them can fuck right off!

Husband said I had to forgive

No you don't! It's not up to him to decide.

Your husband sounds like a massive cunt. If I was you I'd be starting to make plans to leave.

This blog might help you
outofthefog.website/
It’s not you, it’s them.

You are ill. It is not too late to cancel. He needs to back you up - have you pointed out that this attitude from his parents is both making you worse and undermining your partnership with your DH? Just reiterate that medical advice says relax - ie at home, no travel and no visitors!

What a shit situation for you - hope you feel better soon!

I absolutely concur with Fishface.

No is a complete sentence.

Just NO. Sorry DH, your mum isn't coming round, I don't want her to. When I am better, I will see her IF I FEEL LIKE IT. If YOU can't support me, I am off and you can see them as much as you like.

They have no rights and if you don't stand up to this now, you're going to be setting a precedent for years to come. Who does this woman think she is trampling across your life? You're going to have to play hardball with this one. Honestly, I can't believe the utter nerve of some people!

Put the key in door so she cant let herself in. Phone off. "Sorry we were sleeping as I'm unwell: / or "get to fuck" whichever mood your in. Your husband is the problem here - sheesh who the fuck gets told what to do with their own child, what sort of twat is he putting his mums selfish jealousy before his dp's health. If my mum or mil dictated to me when they saw my children they would find they would not see them at all....

Unfortunately, there are no magic words we can give you that will make them realise that they are being massively unfair to you.

You can't ask them gently, explain to them kindly, or anything like that.

You need to realise that they do not care about you.

To them, you were simply the incubator.

You have to stand up for yourself, because clearly you can't rely on your husband to do it. You need to stand up to your husband too.

The pressure that they are putting you under will damage your relationships with them all.

It's time to tell them all to fuck off, what you and your baby need comes well before their wants.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH tell them all to get the fuck away from you. Or more specifically, tell you useless twat of a husband, who's enabling the bullying, to look after you - the ill person - instead of worrying about his parents, who will manage to survive without seeing the baby.

It's very difficult to stand up for yourself when you have a small baby and are feeling ill and run down. This is literally the time when you most need your husband to be on your side, and instead he's on his parents' side.

Bastards. Every one of them.

Please listen to Fishface, she's a very wise woman.

I am shocked that your husband doesn't know his priorities, which should be his family: you and baby. I was in a similar place after our boys were born (even the liar comments ring a bell) and husband stood up for me/us, but it cost him dearly and he was really never forgiven by his parents. It opened his eyes and strengthened our bond. Whatever you do, you've got to show a united front.

You are in a very exhausted post-natal, likely sleep-deprived fog, which clouds judgement and inhibits ability to sort things out. So first of all, try to get some strength. As the other posters said: get your mum to help. It will give you a much-needed reprieve and then you will feel strong enough to discuss with DP.

I would set the ground rules now. Don't give an inch. I would say to DP not possible now. Sorry. We'll talk later. I need to attend to the essential now -- and that is not your parent's feelings.

Good luck OP! It will get better, but you have to sort your health first.

you sound like you are very ill and you ned to put yourself first. you are breastfeeding so your health directly impacts that of your baby. you should be surrounded by people who will help you with this rather than making more work for you. it is so so simple. of course they are excited, and everyone loves a little baby, but babies don't really give a fuck about anyone except their mothers at this age. bonding can and will come later but your health has to take priority.

it's worrying that you have all these people round you who don't seem to get this. Fishface has it. go and stay with your mum and let her look after you.

Nobody has a right to see your baby apart from you.

Leave your useless man-baby DH and go to live with your mum.

I was you, down to MIl letting herself in and me being very ill.
Years later, whole
Marriage disappeared down the pan, largely due to MIL I would say, though ExH didn’t cover himself in glory either.
With hindsight, I would say I wish I had been upfront blunt and rude in the first place, because it is of no consequence now. So maybe if I’d just told her to get to fuck and told now ExH where to go as well, I might actually have had a happy marriage that lasted. Maybe.
But I didn’t, I complained a bit to H, he told me I was being selfish, I asked him Not to give his parents the keys, he agreed but they all went behind my back. I tried to be out/busy/not hear the phone or the door but it all still went wrong at my expense.

They have NO rights and if you leave your husband they will see the baby even less! Tell the fuckers that and follow it up with, "now leave me alone, I'm sick and I need a bit pf peace". It's vital YOU bond with the baby, not your fucking MIL! And I agree with everyone else, your H is a knob. He needs to start standing up for you.

it's just hard when the only issue revolves around his parents? If he was horrible all the time it would be one thing but we only argue over his parents

I don’t think that’s the only issue but even if it is, it’s huge.

He’ll never put you first.

So the very first post here said it all - you have to go to your mums with the baby and stay there.

I remember your other thread about childcare.

Your husband and inlaws are being completely unreasonable bullies. Grandparents have NO rights to grandchildren.

If you need to stay in bed then stay in bed. You should consider staying at your mum's during the rest of your maternity leave.

Your DH needs to put your's and the baby's needs first. He has his priorities mixed up. If he doesn't change it will destroy your marriage (I'd tell him this).

Get your mum over to help you during the day. Would she help you with getting rid of MIL? Get some sleep and get better. If your husband doesnt agree and back you up, pack an overnight bag for you and the baby and go and stay at your Mum’s.

Just say no.

It's your home. Your health. Your ability to be a mother to your baby is what counts.

Get you DM to help you. You need to put a stop to this idea of 'fairness' and 'rights'. Just refuse to acknowledge it, don't answer to it, don't let yourself and your parenting be defined by other people's expectations.

Create your own narrative. 'I need to do what's best for my health and for my baby, so I am doing x' and repeat.

When you need help, you will ask for it.

Oh OP. Your husband is useless. Your FIL is useless. Your MIL sounds like a cow.

I don't know about you but having a baby brought a lot of things into focus for me. I started to be a lot more harsh of judgment and a lot more 'selfish' (i.e. stopped just lying down across the doorstep with WELCOME written on my back) to anyone who wasn't me or my baby. We became the team, the primary unit, the point. Her and me. And the question you should be asking yourself is "is this person helping me be a good mother to my baby?" (because right now, as a newborn, literally ALL your baby needs is you, his mother). If the answer isn't a resounding yes, then fuck those people. And unfortunately your feeble, manipulative husband is right at the top of the list of 'those people'. Call your mum. Tell her everything. Ask her to come over and look after you and protect you from your awful in laws. You are her baby, who just had a baby, and if she's any kind of mum then she'll be there like a flash with the furies of hell at her heels.

Only arguing about his parents is enough when it’s at this level. And if you were feeling less ill there would be far more arguments. For a start off you’d have the Im seriously ill and you are bullying me argument for starters. He sounds vile. His parents sound vile. If you’re that ill how come he hasn’t taken any time off work to care for you? What’s your diagnosis and prognosis?

I forgot to mention.

Get your mum round now if she is able to look after you. Your mil is never going to do it. She, your fil and your husband sound toxic.

Enough do sound quite I'll and in need of looking after, now you know at neither your in laws or unfortunately your own dh will step up and do that I say phone your mum now, today, get her around to look after you, be your gatekeeper
And while you're at it phone your hv and tell her what's goi g on so she can have a word with your dh to put you and baby first.
Please stop caring g what they think and actually put yourself first because no one else is
P,ease phone your mum if I was your mum I would be there in a shot and take of you

If it makes you feel any better the first few years with kids my MiL was a nightmare and DH always sided with her. Got to a point where she came into our house, shouted at me about how unreasonable I was (put baby to bed at her bedtime and MIL missed seeing her as turned up 5 hours late) and stormed out whilst DH say and watched. He was definetly a mummy’s boy and it drove me mad. After that incident I didn’t give in anymore and said no - it’s actually all fine now - they think I a man awkward but accept I won’t change.

In your case phone and cancel - you need to put yourself first and even with out your added illness you should be free to decide how to spend your time recovering with your baby. I can understand you don’t want the fight but just ignore as much as you can. It’s ridiculous trying to force you to do this stuff when you clearly need time to relax yourself.

I second the poster who said get your mum round to look after you - it’s pretty obvious most people would prefer their mum whenever not well - that’s not favouritism - it’s just fact.

Let's be clear here - they have NO rights. ZERO. NONE.
They do not get to ride roughshod over you, the mother of the baby, just because of what they want.
Your husband is being a first class abusive dick over this - he's coercing you into doing something you don't want to do, it's upsetting you and you're already bloody ill - what a fuckwit!!

I would actually ring your GP and say that you're exhausted and sick and you feel as though your convalescence is being compromised by this and can they suggest anything? Shame they can't write sick notes against visitors, as well as work!

I'm so angry for you - fucking horrible, selfish bastards, the lot of them (yes, including your husband who is either as bad as them or just fucking too weak to stand up to them - either way, he's no fucking use to you)

Hope you manage to get out of it somehow because they have NO right to put you through this.

I feel so sorry for you. Your husband is ruining what should be very special time for you in your life enjoying your new baby.

I know it is easier said than done, especially when you are tired and not feeling well, but you really really need to stand up for yourself. This ridiculous carry on of grandparents on both sides being treated equally is awful.

I would suggest to your husband that if this carries on then the marriage is over and mean it. Your life will be less stressful without them in your life. Sure you will have to maintain contact with him but he still won't see the baby as much as he does now if you are separated and neither will his parents.

Don't let them ruin this happy time in your life any more.

Would you to go your parents house to recuperate? Let your husband see you are serious. Don't let them bully you any longer.