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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to take the morning after pill

238 replies

Stillwishihadabs · 08/07/2018 16:43

So background I am 42 and happily married 2 DC s (14&11). Having used the cooper coil for 10 years (since DCs) I have recently have some gynae issues so have to have it removed. I had a couple of months on the mini pill, but had horrific side effects and understand that the mirena would be similar. So approxiamately 2 weeks ago I stopped taking it and basically told DH I was sick of messing about with my body and it was up to him. Last night after the footy and a few drinks we DTD. I asked him if he was going to use a condom and he said "where are you in your cycle?" To which I replied " I haven't a clue" ( true, no period since stopping mini pill). I wouldn't mind being PG I have an excellent job with good maternity pay, a people carrier and a 4/5 bed house. Also one of my school friends has recently announced her pregnancy which made me go "ahhh". Today DH seems freaked out by what happened and is asking me to take emergency contraception. AIBU to refuse ? I think he needs to step up with contraception if he doesn't want another DC. I have a feeling that if I do this it will remain my responsibility.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 09/07/2018 16:04

I mentioned hysterectomy. Apologies if I was wrong to say that. But I basically meant sterilisation. It’s no one turn to use contraception lol how ridiculous. op doesn’t want to take hormones anymore and that’s fine, she also doesn’t mind if she gets pregnant so is willing to have completely unprotected sex, also fine. Her partner said he wasn’t putting a condom on and op didn’t say anything, I assume she said nothing because she didn’t answer the question I asked about what did she say. He’s fine not to use one, he is also fine not to want a child and I’m sure knows the risks. Next day he realises pregnancy is now a possibility no matter how small. He asks her to take the morning after pill, she doesn’t want to, both are fine. Point is, it’s never anyone’s turn and no one should be pressured into taking or doing anything to their bodies that they don’t want, to refuse using a condom is a bit silly though. I think whoever doesn’t want a child it should be on them to stop it, if it’s been mutually agreed though then both parties should take steps in avoiding, for instance, he didn’t want to use a condom so the op should have said no sex then.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 09/07/2018 16:05

Clearly though, the op doesn’t mind having another baby so isn’t being very honest. Have a proper talk and if decided there will be no more, refuse sex if he doesn’t use a condom.

DeadGood · 09/07/2018 16:17

Can’t believe some of the answers on here. Unbelievable.
YANBU OP.

Original poster
Stillwishihadabs · 09/07/2018 16:28

If you read my posts, I made it very clear that no condom could equal baby and TBH he's forty fucking three, he knows that too.

OP posts:
Annalogy · 09/07/2018 16:28

Your body, your rules surely?

Absolutely fine if you don't want to use hormonal contraception. I absolutely hate it myself.

Sounds like you are definitely open to the possibility of another baby, which is fine.

If your OH is so bothered then why can't he proactively do something about it and get the snip? It's funny how precious some men are about these things, whilst women spend decades loading our bodies with hormones.

...and let's be frank: the snip is a whole lot easier than a hysterectomy!

sue51 · 09/07/2018 17:30

Fucking unbelievable that so many women enable men to take absolutely no responsibility for their own fertility.

Fluffyrainbows · 09/07/2018 17:38

I have been in this situation and have the child next to me. At the end of the day I was clear despite being tipsy that I was not on birth control and whilst very near the end of my cycle, my cycles could vary hugely. I was also open to the idea of another baby. He chose not to use anything. I did not take the morning after pill and conceived on the 27 day of my cycle!

Justtheonequestion · 09/07/2018 17:41

Do you regret it fluffy? Was he disappointed or ok with it? How old were you?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/07/2018 18:32

Quack why should OP say no to sex? She wanted sex and isn't averse to having a baby as a result. Not her job to manage her husband - he's an adult and knows full well that unprotected sex = potential pg. If he's not okay with that, he's old enough to know what to do!

Fluffyrainbows · 09/07/2018 19:00

@justtheonequestion nope! My OH was a bit stunned that just the one time could result in a whole live child. But she is much loved and we were fine and had a family already. I was late 30's.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 09/07/2018 22:21

IWannaSeeHowItEnds I agree, I’m saying that if she agrees no baby either then if he wants to be stupid and not use a condom then there shouldn’t be sex. It’s up to him as the one who is less interested to having another baby, to use contraception. But I wouldn’t say I don’t want a baby either and then have sex anyway with no condom. She did make it clear at the time she wouldn’t mind though, but a frank discussion and saying to him that she doesn’t mind so if he really doesn’t want another one he needs to use something.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 09/07/2018 23:03

My OH was a bit stunned that just the one time could result in a whole live child.

Oh, this has me cracking up. I know just what you mean, too :)

blackbirdbluebottle · 17/07/2018 14:52

YANBU if he doesn't want a child and you do then it's his problem to sort out protection. If I was in your situation I wouldn’t take the morning after pill and see what happens.. have you done a pregnancy test? (Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread)

gunnyBear · 17/07/2018 15:08

It sounds to me as if you want a baby because your friend is. You have the choice to take the pill but it sounds to me as though you should.

A side-effect free pill to stop an unplanned pregnancy is something that a mature adult should take.

This reminds me of that thread discussing whether men can opt out of financial responsibility in situations like this. You have all the cards and are holding him to ransom.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 17/07/2018 15:13

Clearly though, the op doesn’t mind having another baby so isn’t being very honest. Have a proper talk and if decided there will be no more, refuse sex if he doesn’t use a condom.

How is she not being honest? She's probably told her DH that she's happy to have another child in which case she's being perfectly honest. By refusing to have sex without a condom she's still making contraception her responsibility. Why does DH have to be treated like a child?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 17/07/2018 15:14

This reminds me of that thread discussing whether men can opt out of financial responsibility in situations like this. You have all the cards and are holding him to ransom.

In what way is she holding the cards? She's done more than her fair share of contraception. There are contraceptive options open to him - he should take them.

gunnyBear · 17/07/2018 15:21

@PitterPatter

You've confused your tenses there.

The OP can end the potential pregnancy. He can't. Neither of them used contraception but she can now control the outcome.

If she didn't want this baby but he did then she can quite rightly ignore his wishes and have a termination. She can do it when he could have seen the baby moving, felt it though her tummy etc.

He is quite clear that he doesn't want a child. I am still on the fence but am teetering towards thinking that at such an early stage, a father should be able to opt out of fatherhood in the same way the OP has the choice of opting out of motherhood.

usernotfound0000 · 17/07/2018 15:29

I don't think YABU. I'm currently pg with DC2, I've told DH that I won't be going back on any contraception after this and that I'm not ruling out DC3. He doesn't want DC3, so the onus is on him to either get snipped or sort condoms. If he chooses to dtd with me, he knows the risk.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/07/2018 15:51

A man can opt out of fatherhood - it's called condoms!
If he chooses to have sex without contraception, he is choosing fatherhood. Early or not, there are no circumstances in which it is acceptable for a man to opt out of fatherhood by getting someone else to take a pill (which does have side effects btw) or have a termination.

gunnyBear · 17/07/2018 15:57

"A man can opt out of fatherhood - it's called condoms!"

Logically then there's no need for the MAP or other terminations (when nothing to do with the health of the unborn baby).

"there are no circumstances in which it is acceptable for a man to opt out of fatherhood by getting someone else to take a pill"

No one has argued to the contrary but whether there should be is an entirely different matter.

Both sexes have methods of contraception available. Women can opt out of parenthood after conceiving or if they have a change of heart after sex. I believe in equality and think that surely if one sex can opt out of parenthood, why can't the other.

You haven't given a reason - convincing or otherwise - as to why there should be such a power imbalance.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/07/2018 16:55

Stating the bleeding obvious but the reason for the imbalance is because women are the ones who are pregnant, not men. So of course the final decision rests with the person who actually has something growing in her body.
Until men can get pg they have to accept that their time to say yes or no to parenthood is pre conception!

SerenDippitty · 17/07/2018 16:56

Condoms can fail as can any method of contraception ad in those circumstances if the woman chooses the man will have to accept fatherhood or face social censure. Effectively he has to take the risk of fatherhood whenever he has sex. Unless he has a vasectomy.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/07/2018 17:06

gunnyBear I’m with you on this. It’s been my thinking for years but I must not be explaining it well because no one seems to get it. You’ve typed it well.

bakedlikeabun · 17/07/2018 17:09

I’ll remember the “power imbalance” if I’m ever pg for nine months again, going through ms, spd and then labour, before taking a salary cut and losing out on promotions.

User183737 · 17/07/2018 17:25

Are you pregnant yet op?!