To ask this man if this child is his daughter?

[wildsummerdreams]

I just saw a man carrying a child (she 3-4) against her will. She was throwing a tantrum and trying to free herself. It would seem like a normal scene if you have kids, but I could not help but think the worst, so I followed them and ask him if he was her dad. He stopped (good sign) looked at me and when he realised what I was thinking, told me to not be ridiculous. I asked the child directly if that was her dad, but she kept on crying. Then they wen off and he continue to carry her against her will. I watched them for a bit and took a picture of them just in case. Please tell me I'm not a total nutter and what would you have done or what to do if something like this happens.

The girl didn't have any shoes on and they were crossing Kentish Town high street.

Nutter aaagh.

if you were to follow them to a police station as has been suggested, you would be in for a very very long walk.

Not RTFT but good on you for asking, you could easily have ended up with a knuckle sandwich for your efforts (used to live in NW5) and sure, it seems a bit weird but you acted on gut instinct and went for it.

@qvcstyle
There’s nothing respectful in your post. It isn’t op, who sounds like the nutter.

Charolais
I’m so sorry your child and you went through such horrendous experiences. People can be so incredibly cruel.

You did the right thing OP.

About 8 yrs ago i was shopping in a small West Yorkshire town and i saw a boy and a girl (they were 10ish) with a small boy of about 3.
The older lad was trying to drag the toddler along the path and he was screaming
'No! No i dont want to go with you, get off me!'
So I pretrnded to mess with my phone for a bit while watching and lots of poeple walked by!

So i just asked if they knew the toddler, and where was their mum?
He stopped screaming as soon as i spoke and they said he was their brother, and i asked if he was and the little 'un said yes shyly and cuddled his sister.
I said I was really sorry if I'd scared them by asking and to tell their mum I'd asked.

So obviously I'm glad I was wrong but I would rather be wrong 99 times out of a hundred than have that hundredth time haunt me.

And it was bloody scary, even asking kids that!
So i kinda get why people dont like to interfere, but sometimes we have to.

When I was younger my dad and I found a little boy screaming on the beach with an older boy about 15. It was just after the James Bulger abduction and my dad asked the little boy if he was ok, and didn't like the answer of "he's my cousin" from the older boy so he called some security guards ovet and I think they questioned the older boy and called the mum to check out the story.
My dad didn't care that it was inconvenient, he just couldn't live with being a potential witness, in a worst case scenario, that didn't intervene.

I'm offended by the use of the word butter. I think its only fair to include other spreads. What about Marg for example. She feels discriminated against.

I think you did the right thing
I'd rather an upset or disgruntled dad with a funny story for later than know I did nothing if a child was kidnapped

OP, you were absolutely right to speak up, If something doesn’t look right we have a civic duty to step in. The father, rather then being pissed off, should have been grateful that someone was out there looking out for his child’s well-being.

YANBU, but it's so hard to know what the best way is to check it's all kosher

I don't know what you should have done, but it is a hard one. Here in Mexico, kidnapping is so run-of-the-mill that it is not reported on the news. While children are the same as the world over in that they sometimes refused to go with their parent.

Gray area, and I'm not sure what I would have done. Toddlers throw tantrums, but male violence is a huge problem for women and children - and of course as pp's have said, women are not in general the huge problem for children's safety that men are.

This is why men need to stamp on male violence. Never mind just having a go at women who complain about it, NAMALT or minimising rape and DV and anything similar: actually bloody do something about men being violent. It could be done if anyone seriously wanted to.

I hope people whose instinct is to intervene won't be put off by the irresponsible posters on here calling the op a nutter and saying their husbands would have been furious.

Better to ask than regret it. My husband was asked when my daughter had a melt down in an Italian shopping mall (we lived there). The security guards were trained to always ask and he said not having her shoes (she threw them!!) was something he looked for.

I think any good parent wouldn't have been furious, maybe a bit shocked to be asked, but not furious. I would rather someone check, child abductions are rare but they do happen. Most people don't notice things going on around them.

Haven't RTFT but did see lots of posts suggesting the OP wouldn't have said anything if the child had been with a woman. Maybe that's true, but that suggests that the problem isn't with asking men, but in not asking women.

I'm a man, and while I have seen plenty of stories where people jump to batshit conclusions based on nothing but their sexist preconceptions (man in a supermarket alone who didn't buy anything must have been a paedophile is a recent memorable one I saw on FB) I don't really think this is one of them. I'd rather someone asked me this (or my wife if she was in that situation) than everyone be afraid to ask and regret it later. In the moment I might be pissed off with the insinuations but objectively it's the right thing to do.

I think you did the right thing and I'm really surprised how many people have said they thought it was innapropriate. If it was their child being abducted I'm pretty sure they would want people to enquire.

I've taught my child to kick and scream as loud and hard as possible if a stranger picks them up... I would want someone to confront them!

I notice none of the "oh you are a nutter" brigade have come on and explained what they think someone who thinks a child might be in trouble should do. Some people are very quick to rudely criticise but very slow to back it up.

If it was reported on the news that an individual suspected a potential kidnapping and through their intervention they actually stopped a real kidnapping they would rightly be made a hero.

If an individual suspected a potential kidnapping and through their intervention found out that it was not a kidnapping, they a judged and made to feel stupid.... what world are we living in.

Everyone knows about the bystander effect...people dont do anything because no one else is...everyone knows this, including the criminals. It takes a brave individual to act.

I get that people want to protect children. That's a really good impulse. But to those saying "but suppose there HAD been something wrong" that could apply to so many situations.

Supposing someone is carrying a child that is NOT screaming. Maybe the child has been drugged! A happy couple carrying a child might both be kidnappers. Someone carrying a really large bag might have a child stuffed in it.

There's nothing for it but to challenge everyone you meet just to be sure. You just can't think like that and it's not fair on the people being accosted.

Some of you are being massive dicks. No the op did not stop them because it was a man with a child, she stopped them because the child appeared to be fighting him off and she got a bad feeling about it. Doesn't hurt to check op, no harm done. Even if you've offended someone.

And ffs no-one was accosted.

Oh for god's sake (said everyone who ever had a child who had a tantrum).

I have no proof that this is true, but I tend to think that children who are being abused or trafficked are probably more likely to be fearful and silent than having a full-on tantrum.

I once saw a young girl holding a man's hand outside St Pancras station as they walked along the road with a suitcase; there was absolutely nothing wrong (and at the time I thought it would therefore be ridiculous to do anything) but something about her pallor, expression and general quietness really bothered me and has haunted me ever since :-(

@LastTrainEast that is a splendid piece of whataboutery

You were concerned enough to ask the man if he was the child’s parent, to which he told you to stop being so ridiculous. You asked the child if the man was her dad and she gave no response. You then did nothing further except take a photo and post on mumsnet.

If you were that concerned you should have alerted the authorities. Even if he had said he was her parent, that is an easy enough lie for a kidnapper to tell, surely?

Absolutely the right thing. People are too scared to intervene for seeming “silly” or annoying people. A few more busy bodies a few less dead kids.