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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be miffed hubby doesn't fancy me any more :'-(

148 replies

GinPink · 07/07/2018 16:23

I just want to know what you would do.

I have three children aged 5, 3 and 3 months.

Hubby seems to have gone off me.

He is a great dad, works hard and normally working 6 days a week. I do work but am on maternity leave now. When he comes home he baths the older two and deals with all the hard work of their craziness till they eventually go to bed, while I either cook dinner or look after the baby depending on how things go. I love him so much and he wouldn't have time to be seeing another woman.

He suffers from a medical condition and has said this has affected his ability to perform in the bedroom until it clears up a bit as it's uncomfortable with condoms.

I offered to go in the pill but his response was that 'wouldn't that make you fat?' I have tried to raise the subject but he always finds a reason not to which usually makes me feel like it's just because I'm hideous.

I've put on loads of weight since having children. I feel really ugly. He is great at cleaning the house, looking after the children and works his ass off but he doesn't say anything to make me feel like he still loves or desires ME. He says loads that I'm a great mum, and appreciates me for that but there's just no affection and I feel like a housemate/baby sitter for him more than an actual person. I need to sort my appearance out but I feel like he should love me and want to be intimate with me any way - as to be fair I've grown three of his babies and pushed them out my foof???

OP posts:

GreenMeerkat · 07/07/2018 16:26

You shouldn't have to 'sort your appearance out' for him. You've had three of his children so your body is bound to change and if he does love and respect you he will accept that!

Have you tried speaking to him about how you feel? How is the baby sleeping? It's likely what with working full time, two young children and a 3 month old to look after he's just bloody knackered. You do need to speak to him about this though x

GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/07/2018 16:33

YANBU but it sounds as though you have asked him about it and he has told you that he has concerns about erectile dysfunction at the moment. Do you have reason to doubt him? It seems like quite a brave thing to say.
Did you talk to him about missing physical affection that doesn’t lead to sex? Is he perhaps worried about being affectionate in case it raises your hopes of sex when he is suffering with ed?

missyB1 · 07/07/2018 16:35

You are probably both knackered and a bit stressed, life with three children that young must be flipping hectic! But I think it’s important that you are both able to talk about this issue in a safe no blame kind of way. Can you tell him in the way that you’ve told us? Or just show him the thread? It’s possible that he has no idea how this is making you feel.
It’s natural to feel a bit down about your looks/ body after having kids, but our partners should pay us compliments and make us feel desired - just as we should for them too.

Singlenotsingle · 07/07/2018 16:35

It's not as though he's nasty though, is it? It's just the result of working, doing his fair share at looking after the DC, and no doubt la k of sleep and worrying about everything. I know when I'm busy/worried, sex is the last thing on my mind.

Have you tried making the first move, affection wise? Putting your arms round him, giving him a hug? No pressure...

Hamiltoes · 07/07/2018 16:37

You shouldn't have to 'sort your appearance out' for him

I'll be slated but whatever... Take this posters advice and don't sort your appearance out- but then don't complain that he's not attracted to you. It sounds from your post like he loves and cares for you. For me personally I couldn't stay with someone who had let themselves go. It's happened to me before and I figured life was far too short to stay in a relationship with someone who I was not in the least bit attracted to and live a sexless friendship "for the children". I do think its really important to keep a spark in a relationship and a huge part of that for me is looking after your body and appearance.

As I said above, it sounds like he does his fair share, loves and cares for you. Why don't you tell him how you feel and get his support to work on these things? We all let ourselves go from time to time, I love a Sunday night of papmering/ princessing: file nails and clear polish, pluck eyebrows, shave and apply summer body hint of tan etc. It's an hour of your life that will quite likely make you feel better about yourself (not at all saying you need to do this "for him". And staying in shape is 80% diet and 20% exercise, so maybe start making small changes to diet and see how this goes?

Stormy76 · 07/07/2018 16:47

You both sound knackered and with young kids this stuff does happen. I think though that if you are thinking you should do something with your appearance then you probably should. Not for him but for yourself, you will feel better about yourself if you do and the rest of it will sort itself out. Give yourself a bit of a pamper, being at home with kids is bloody hard work, going to work was an escape for me.

Original poster

GinPink · 07/07/2018 16:48

Thanks for replies.

He did say the other day he's just exhausted but he's normally a VERY sexual person. It's not ED, he has a skin condition that can flair up. Ive tried initiating things, it's obvious he's interested as he's hard as hell but then doesn't want to continue? Thing is his flair ups never stopped him before, like normally he would take sex anytime and if anything it's me saying no!

I'm really hurt though that he'd even bring up my weight, I have in the past had eating disorders (he knows about these but I don't think really understands them) which for my children I don't want to spiral into again. It was actually meeting my wonderful hubby and the trust and love I had with him that stopped my eating disorder.

I feel so down I often think starving myself would solve things and make me feel better (I guess it's a control thing) but I wouldn't actually do this again (as I wouldn't be able to look after my children properly and it's obviously not the answer!) I've never managed the sensible diet thing, maybe I should go to my gp about this?

Baby is sleeping really well. Only wakes once a night but I'm even struggling to wake up for that (I obviously do but it's hard).

OP posts:

everythingelseisalreadytaken · 07/07/2018 16:50

Ive tried initiating things, it's obvious he's interested as he's hard as hell but then doesn't want to continue? Thing is his flair ups never stopped him before, like normally he would take sex anytime and if anything it's me saying no!

Maybe he's feeling embarrassed/ self conscious? It doesn't sound like he's not attracted to you, just that something is preventing him from taking it further .

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/07/2018 16:54

Could he be worrying about another pregnancy? Was the last one planned?

Original poster

GinPink · 07/07/2018 16:55

Pregnancies were all planned, though he definitely does not want any more (I don't either). Xx

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/07/2018 16:55

I think it would be worth not making a decision regarding him for a while, to take the pressure off yourself, but to think of getting fit for yourself. You know you'll feel a lot better if you're slimmer and fitter - then you can look at your marriage.

I know it must be really difficult when you've had an ED - perhaps you need some professional help now?

Chanelprincess · 07/07/2018 17:04

He suffers from a medical condition and has said this has affected his ability to perform in the bedroom

Are you sure this is related to the medical condition alone and he definitely doesn't have ED, PE or any another psychological issues (e.g. word related) that he is afraid may impact on this?

sunshinesupermum · 07/07/2018 17:05

If neither of you want more children and he doesn't want to use condoms perhaps he could have the snip?

Chanelprincess · 07/07/2018 17:05

work not word obviously - stupid phone.

Original poster

GinPink · 07/07/2018 17:08

@sunshinesupermum yes he is going to have the snip we just need to get him to book it in

OP posts:

Original poster

GinPink · 07/07/2018 17:10

@Chanelprincess definately not ED. What does PE mean?

OP posts:

Chanelprincess · 07/07/2018 17:11

GinPink

Oh sorry...premature ejaculation.

sunshinesupermum · 07/07/2018 17:11

GinPink Good - that will take the pressure of more pregnancies off both of you

FriendOfScarecrow · 07/07/2018 17:12

If you couldn't accept your partner's body would chance after giving birth to your three children in 5 years (including one 3 months ago) you'd be a massive cunt and your partner better off without you though.

SleepWarrior · 07/07/2018 17:14

Small children make everything strained and stressful in a marriage, especially three children all small at the same time. It's like your lives are on hold until the littlest is out of baby/toddlerhood. Even with decent sleep it's still emotionally and physically exhausting all round.

My ethos for this stage is that you both need to put your heads down and just muddle through without taking anything too personally, or saying anything too harsh to your partner, and eventually you'll come out the other side and get back on track (assuming nobody has cheated or been abusive).

Even better if you can have that conversation so you both feel reassured that you're on the same track, yes it's a hard one for the time being, but you're there together and the destination is a shared happy one.

Feelings of drifting apart, or not being attracted to/feeling attractive are all so common. Chat about it so it's not simmering and unsaid, don't put too much pressure on yourselves, and don't read too much into anything.

And yes, see the GP about the eating disorder feelings flaring up again

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2018 17:14

Sounds like he is exhausted, and with his erectile problem, self consious, and maybe down about that. Op dh did not ask her to sort out her appearance, he sounds lovely and really stressed.

Kingsclerelass · 07/07/2018 17:16

If he usually has a high sex drive and now has a skin condition that makes sex uncomfortable, I think he’s avoiding it rather than gone off you. Maybe he’s worried he could pass it on.
If he told you how gorgeous you are, you might take that as a turn on and he doesn’t want that at the moment, so instead he tells you how much he appreciates you.
It sounds like he’s feeling down about it all and maybe he needs some reassurance.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/07/2018 17:17

Has he said that he isn't attracted to you?

Or are you just self conscious; and worried about the lack of affection/sex?

They're very different...

FriendOfScarecrow · 07/07/2018 17:20

3 children.
Under 5.
6 day work week.
Medical condition involving his penis
3 month old

If you have had sex once in the past 6 months you should be super impressed. I might stand up and salute you.

Which bit of 3 month old and 3 year old and 5 year old are you strugggling with? Let her fucking fanny heal before you pack her off to the gym.

Original poster

GinPink · 07/07/2018 17:23

@Chanelprincess thanks, no not PE, he always makes sure I finish first he's been a bit depressed since our last baby but shut me down when I tried to talk about it.

I don't know what's up, I can't put my finger on it. I was on the pill for years and never had a pregnancy scare. We fell pregnant instantly each time and he definitely doesn't want more - but if it was fear or pregnancy I wish he would say that rather than attack my appearance. He has dropped quite a few hurtful comments about how rank I look.

For full disclosure

When we first met I was probably a size 8-10

Size went up to a 12-14 (comfortable with him)

Had an illness and went down to a 6-8 for a few years. Maybe crept back up to a 10?

First baby - went to a size 10-12

Second baby - size 12-14

I'm probably only a size 14-16 now.

Never before has he gone off sex. I think the previous poster saying I should get fit for myself is very right. I just need to be sensible about it and do it in a healthy way.

OP posts:

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