To be miffed hubby doesn't fancy me any more :'-(

[GinPink]

I just want to know what you would do.

I have three children aged 5, 3 and 3 months.

Hubby seems to have gone off me.

He is a great dad, works hard and normally working 6 days a week. I do work but am on maternity leave now. When he comes home he baths the older two and deals with all the hard work of their craziness till they eventually go to bed, while I either cook dinner or look after the baby depending on how things go. I love him so much and he wouldn't have time to be seeing another woman.

He suffers from a medical condition and has said this has affected his ability to perform in the bedroom until it clears up a bit as it's uncomfortable with condoms.

I offered to go in the pill but his response was that 'wouldn't that make you fat?' I have tried to raise the subject but he always finds a reason not to which usually makes me feel like it's just because I'm hideous.

I've put on loads of weight since having children. I feel really ugly. He is great at cleaning the house, looking after the children and works his ass off but he doesn't say anything to make me feel like he still loves or desires ME. He says loads that I'm a great mum, and appreciates me for that but there's just no affection and I feel like a housemate/baby sitter for him more than an actual person. I need to sort my appearance out but I feel like he should love me and want to be intimate with me any way - as to be fair I've grown three of his babies and pushed them out my foof???

Just want to thank you all - each reply is so appreciated

Go easy on yourself and your husband. A 3 month old is very hard work and you have 2 more little ones too. He's probably wrecked. While you should look at losing weight to be healthy and to help with your self esteem as you say you "feel really ugly" and that isn't good for anyone. At this stage of just focus on getting as many fruit and veg into your diet as possible, and getting out with your kids for family walks etc. Nothing drastic, be kind to your body, It's been through so much recently.

Agree with PP. Just be affectionate with him without the pressure of sex. Try to be lighthearted and enjoy these early days as much as possible. A lot of couples aren't having sex this soon after a birth.

Whoa OP.
Even the most sexually charged person can change with age and circumstances. Your DH is knackered, stressed and has an uncomfortable and probably debilitating skin condition.
His comment amount your potential weight gain may come from anxiety over your health, not fanciabilty.
Sex is the cherry on the cake. The bedrock of a happy marriage is loving mutual support and affection. Give him space and your support, lots of affection.
Is he affectionate and supportive of you? If he is then surely sex can be put on a back burner for a while.

He has dropped quite a few hurtful comments about how rank I look

That's different. That's never acceptable. Let him push 30 pounds of human out of his arsehole over 5 years and see how hot he looks.

@BMW6 he's not an affectionate person. Cuddling on the sofa for example he hates. He isn't a hand holder, doesn't buy flowers and usually just wants to sit separately unless we are getting it on 😂 I think if he was giving me kisses and cuddles I would feel better but in this heat I can't blame him

What do you mean he makes comments about you looking rank? So far all you've said is he said won't thr pill make you put on weight. I'm not sure why you posted that if he's making comments you look rank?

What has he said?

So 'rank' may have been a bit harsh. I'll admit I can't quote precisely but comments have been like

'You've put on a bit of timber' (I've taken this out of context a bit but he did effectively say this)

'How long does the baby bump stay?'

And when I've taken my clothes off he goes 'urgh' trying to be funny (he's done this a few times). I don't think he know this actually makes me cry inside

I need to sort my appearance out but I feel like he should love me and want to be intimate with me any way
It’s how love should work, yes. Appearance is irrelevant.

As for sexual attraction, for many people appearance is critical as to who they feel sexually towards someone.

Your last example is despicable

Don’t be too hard on yourself honey. Since he is comfortable with size 12-14, than getting back to that from a size 14-16 isn’t that much weight to lose. I’m an emotional eater and could never stick to diets, so I used hypnosis without having to go on a diet and it is so effortless. Hypnotherapists aren’t cheap but there is a hypno gastric band app you buy on iTunes, you just listen to it every night before you go to sleep.

Something is off about how you're posting. It feels like you're grasping and want mumsnet to tell you your husband is a cunt.

If a man posted his wife did not want to have sex, they had a three month old and she had a painful skin condition the forum would tell him to go fuck himself. Your responses were softer, so it feels like you've went down thr he's abuse route.

Why? Is he abusive? Or are you th abusive one and want the forum to join you?

Get your thyroid checked. Don't cry inside, let him see you're upset

@Bluntness100 I think it's off because I don't know what's going on. Neither of us are abusive. I feel lost. I don't know what I'm hoping you will all say but just maybe I'll have a light bulb moment with a response. Maybe someone has felt the same before and knows how I can snap out of this. If someone said he's a cunt I'd sort of agree but also at the same time know he's a good dad and husband. If someone said I'm a cunt I'd again, agree and want to know how to snap out of it

@Bluntness100 agree his skin condition is a serious concern, just it's not new and never caused a problem before even when it's been so much worse

@Bluntness100 also I'm just really bloody exhausted and really bloody horny.

Op. It sounds like you're both knackered. Give the bloke a break. If he's making comments about your appearance that make you feel bad then tell him. If This is about you wishing reassurance because you feel bad about your appearance, then tell him, but you had a baby 12 weeks ago. Give yourself an even bigger break. So I think I'd say be kind to yourself and him.

Making a comment about your weight when he knows you've had an eating disorder is cruel.

And the lack of affection says to me that he's checked out of your marriage for whatever reason.

I think you need an honest open talk here, OP. You can't let him treat you like this

You both sound kind, fair and well intentioned. So just make sure you communicate and don’t try to ‘read between the lines’ because relationships are hard and sometimes not perfect but picking at things that are nobody’s fault can do lasting damage. It’s ok to have a dry patch, it’s ok to have put on weight after pregnancies, it’s ok to sometimes find your partner less attractive for a bit, it’s ok to be tired and not want to have sex as much as usual, it’s ok to feel insecure after babies and relearn your body and sex life again.

Talk to him and make sure you hear him too and do just jump to your own conclusions about everything based on your own insecurities. Having babies changes the balance of lots of stuff which knocks on to the bedroom too. That’s ok. And a good couple survives.

His ‘urgh’ comment when you undress is realk cruel. I’d find it hard to move on from that.
I hope you can lose weight not for him but for yourself. Weight Loss Resources is an excellent website and helped me lose loads and keep it off. Good luck!

Someone said,,you shouldnt have to sort out your appearance for him...

Life can be tough but i think we all have to make an effort, to look the best we can be, to be the healthiest we can be and to be the best we can be.

It doesnt mean you have to have a PHD in Astrophysics or be a size 8 supermodel with dazzling white teeth and social skills to match.

It just means, strive to be your best.

So if you feel over weight,,try and deal with it.

This goes just as much for men as anyone else.

Now im quite lucky as i have a good metabolism and try to look after myself, but lately i too have modified my diet and trained up a little just to look more toned. I can see the results already.

You only had a baby 12 weeks ago, and especially if you're breastfeeding, be careful about trying to lose weight. Be kind to yourself if he isn't.

I say this as someone who would look a lot more attractive if I lost a stone. We fancy who we fancy. There is a lot of difference between a size 8 and a size 16, and its not his fault if he doesn't fancy you anymore, he either does or he doesn't. In the same way that, despite being chubby myself, I wouldn't fancy a man with a huge beer gut.
It sounds like he still loves you, but the sexual desire has gone. If you want to get this back, you might have to lose weight.
I struggle with this myself - I'm single, and I had much more luck at speed dating/online dating when I was thinner. Losing weight is tough!!

Oh and also - if he's gained weight over the years and its putting you off him too, you would be equally justified in expecting him to try to lose it!!

i think what he has said to you is really hurtful and cruel. He actually said you looked rank, and he said urgh when you got undressed. Hes a fucking arsehole. Youve only just had a baby. Youve birthed three of his babies. What the fuck does he expect? Took me at least a year each time to lose baby weight.

Please do not let him annihalate your confidence with his shitty comments and withholding affection.

Could it be that he is very attracted to you the person, including how you look and are now, but somewhere in his psyche or because of social conditioning or something he feels an overweight person is not sexy? Seems strange that he gets aroused but doesn't want to continue, and uses the explanation of it being sore when that did not stop him before. Not saying that that's acceptable by the way.

That being said, you've said your achievement in learning to eat properly and overcome your eating disorder was possible in some ways due to the love and support of your DH. That might mean that you are very sensitive to any kind of rejection from him, even if to him it's not a big deal.

Though his comments are neither helpful or supportive and are very hurtful. I'd tell him that straight out.

Give it a bit more time and in the meantime I would work on feeling good myself, for myself. Feeling well, feeling fit, feeling rested, feeling I've accomplished something today, feeling I've been nice/good to myself today, I've looked after myself today, I've treated myself well. Do the things for you that you do for your children. Healthy food, decent clothes that fit properly, clean hair and body, exercise, time with family and friends. I know it's not easy with a 3 month old and other DC.

Lastly if you are still very tired though baby is only waking once, keep an eye on it. It's so hard to distinguish what normal tiredness is when your sleep is broken and you have a baby. I feel like I've been tired for the past 10 years to be honest, but I think it's normal tiredness... But I know two people who put tiredness down to aging/stress/unrelated health issues and has different medical issues completely.