To be miffed hubby doesn't fancy me any more :'-(

[GinPink]

I just want to know what you would do.

I have three children aged 5, 3 and 3 months.

Hubby seems to have gone off me.

He is a great dad, works hard and normally working 6 days a week. I do work but am on maternity leave now. When he comes home he baths the older two and deals with all the hard work of their craziness till they eventually go to bed, while I either cook dinner or look after the baby depending on how things go. I love him so much and he wouldn't have time to be seeing another woman.

He suffers from a medical condition and has said this has affected his ability to perform in the bedroom until it clears up a bit as it's uncomfortable with condoms.

I offered to go in the pill but his response was that 'wouldn't that make you fat?' I have tried to raise the subject but he always finds a reason not to which usually makes me feel like it's just because I'm hideous.

I've put on loads of weight since having children. I feel really ugly. He is great at cleaning the house, looking after the children and works his ass off but he doesn't say anything to make me feel like he still loves or desires ME. He says loads that I'm a great mum, and appreciates me for that but there's just no affection and I feel like a housemate/baby sitter for him more than an actual person. I need to sort my appearance out but I feel like he should love me and want to be intimate with me any way - as to be fair I've grown three of his babies and pushed them out my foof???

Bugger the gym and getting fit for the next year and do what you want.
That's an odd attitude really, why spend a year being unfit for no real reason. She doesn't have to go the gym, she can do more walking, maybe some workouts at home, dancing, there are a lot of things she can do to improve her own physical and mental well being.

Bugger the gym and getting fit for the next year and do what you want.

Daft advice
Cutting your nose off to spite your face

Bugger the gym and getting fit for the next year and do what you want.

I hate this attitude. Why do so many people think having a baby is an acceptable excuse to gorge on food and be lazy? Plenty of woman have children and stay more or less the same weight and size throughout and after. While it's very rare a tummy will look the same i.e the deflated balloon effect there is literally no excuse to go up 4 or 5 dress sizes "because you've had a baby". It really is as simple as calorie excess = weight gain, calorie defecit = weight loss. There are calculators online telling you how many cals you should be eating to maintain and for most slim to medium women it's probably about 1400 a day (which isn't a lot if you're snacking between meals!). Hitting the gym is entirely optional and only helps the process along to an extent. The easiest way I've found to maintain weight is to cut out snacking and breakfast completely. I have a huge lunch at around 11-12 and a huge dinner (plenty of veg to bulk up!) at 7ish. It would be extremely hard to get excess cals into a diet eating this way and is a much more natural way of eating than this constant snacking generation we live in today (who has completely lost sight of what a healthy diet and body looks like imo).

And for the "I went from a size 8 to a size 18 and my husband still fancies me" brigade good for you, but I don't think it would be in any way wrong or abnormal if he didn't. I personally couldn't think of anything worse, not just looks wise but health wise too.

Totally agree Hamil

But it’s not a popular view amongst those who did see pregnancy as chance time to eat for 2/3/4

It really is as simple as calorie excess = weight gain, calorie defecit = weight loss

Except it really isn’t. Hormone levels are on one of the biggest factors in weight loss and gain, but one that’s rarely discussed because it’s not something that can be changed by spending money on products or gym memberships.

Pregnancy is a huge trigger for thyroid issues, which can take years to diagnose thanks to a wholly inefficient testing protocol, and especially in this country where thresholds for treatment are far too high. Some women have inordinate difficulty losing weight (or even preventing weight gain) postnatally and it’s not simply down to diet and exercise. What you’re saying has been thoroughly debunked as over-simplified nonsense assuming that all calories are equal, which they’re fundamentally not.

I’ve been unfortunate enough to be on a range of hormone treatments from a very young age and my weight and body shape vary dramatically based exclusively on my levels of oestrogen and progesterone. On one treatment I lost three stone in a short period of time with no change whatsoever to diet and exercise. Since my twins were born, my thyroid levels fluctuate on a daily basis - if I lived in America, australia or most of Europe I’d be on treatment now, but here I’m not.

Seems to me you have no idea what you’re talking about but, even more crucially, you fail to understand that maybe, when you have a three month old baby and two other children, you have better things to do with your time than spend it on the gym in pursuit of weight loss for the sake of it.

This is focusing way too much on your weight, OP. Every relationship goes through dry patches, it's normal, especially when both partners are completely knackered which you both must be. Give it a bit of time and don't pressure him, that will be a vicious circle.

Three months is too early to be worrying about not having lost all the baby weight- if it took 9 months to put on then 9 months to get it off again is more reasonable.
However, getting out and about in the fresh air and doing some exercise will help to lift your mood. If you are prone to comfort eating it may also help with this.
Once you feel better about yourself then you will be better placed to work out how you feel about your husband.

Since my twins were born, my thyroid levels fluctuate on a daily basis

How on earth do you know that??!

Under active thyroid sufferer here

I’ve been paying for private blood tests, and did one test every two weeks for a couple of months, and I can feel the difference as my levels vary and predict pretty accurately what the results will be based on how I feel when I take the test - TSH went from 5.95 to 1.6 in less than a fortnight then back up again, and I went from feeling absolutely shocking and unable to function to reasonably well.

@Hamiltoes I do agree with you to an extent. However it's not as easy as you suggest. For example. I am currently pregnant with #3, I put on excess weight with my first two but managed to get back down to ore pregnancy weight (lower after my second) both times. This issue is, after my second child my body because accustomed to 1300 calories and exercise 3/4 times a week. This pregnancy I haven't been able to exercise at all due to morning sickness and joint pain so my metabolism has just screeched to a halt and my weight has ballooned, despite not eating for 2/3/4 (though I am eating more than 1300 cals obviously). What I'm saying is , it's very idealistic to think that you can stay relatively the same weight/shape after having a baby it is not always as clear cut as that!

Seems to me you have no idea what you’re talking about but, even more crucially, you fail to understand that maybe, when you have a three month old baby and two other children, you have better things to do with your time than spend it on the gym in pursuit of weight loss for the sake of it.

Not once have I said anyone needs to slave for hours in a gym?! I've not set foot in one post children and I specifically said in my post its not needed and exercise merely helps the process along so I don't think I fail to understand anything. There is nothing AT ALL wrong with encouraging an active lifestyle after having children.

And while I sympathise with your story of hormone treatments and thyroid issues, I don't think yours is one thats typical of the general population. Medical issues aside there is a huge problem with our warped sense of what a healthy body looks like and judging by some of the attitudes on this thread having children is genuinely an excuse to become fat. I cannot believe more people aren't shocked by this. Call it simplistic if you want to, I don't really care, but for the general population without underlying medical issues weight loss is as simple as a calorie deficit. And calorie defecit is extremely difficult when we're programmed to believe that even whilst dieting we need to have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. The less you eat the less hungry your body will be. If being obese was mostly because of thyroids and hormones- and not calorie excess why isn't there an obesity crisis in poor and famished parts of the world? You must realise your point is a bit daft to say the least!

@green I totally agree, I wasn't saying it was simple to keep the same weight pre and post pregnancy just that it can be done (as you've shown yourself x2), and it shouldn't be expected that people gain stones of excess just because they are pregnant and stay that way because they are now parents so its OK (as some posters were alluding to). It's surprising how many people think 2000 cals is the typical daily intake for women (and not the 1300 you were pre- pregnancy).

10% of the population has hypothyroidism, disproportionately affecting women, especially those of middle age and pregnancy is a common trigger for thyroid issues.

Around 10% of women have endometriosis and therefore are likely to rely on hormonal treatments.

Close to 10% of women have PCOS

These issues aren’t as rare as you seem to think they are.

I have hypothyroidism.

I’m very underweight (7.5 stone, 5’7). I’m on 100mg of Levo.

Two close friends also have it. Both very slender. One out on two stone but as soon as on meds, the weight fell off.

In many cases, it’s an excuse. If you’re on meds, it’s a direct hormone replacement.

From the British thyroid foundation website:

Most of the extra weight gained in hypothyroid individuals is due to excess accumulation of salt and water. Massive weight gain is rarely associated with hypothyroidism. In general, 5-10 pounds of body weight may be attributable to the thyroid, depending on the severity of the hypothyroidism.

5 pounds is hardly the difference between a size 8 and a size 18, which is what we are discussing.

As for endo, it's thought that maintaining a low weight is the best prevention. I'm not arguing that hormones don't cause weight fluctuations, but the reason behind this is mostly due to increased appetite.

This thread has massively derailed now so I'll drop out. I wish op all the best with her marriage.

Yes, but you’re on treatment - it can take years for thyroid levels to make it to the ridiculous levels that the U.K. has decided warrant treatment. 10 years I’ve had “borderline” levels now. That’s a whole other story.

Op I’ve been in your position before. My usually up for it DH just wasn’t that interested. He is also not a hand holder/hugger/giver of compliments so I found it hard, especially as he had no reason why.

It got better after a few months, I’m not sure what changed and he still says now that he just didn’t feel like it. Can’t say I blame him really I say that all the time! Was just odd for him.

Hope it works out for you

Ridiculous levels?? What are you on about.

If you are displaying symptoms and your levels indicate an underperforming thyroid, then you will receive medication.

I was borderline
I was feeling the cold and feeling off.

In the U.K. the NICE guidelines state that a TSH level of 10 or above is required to diagnose hypothyroidism.

If someone has a level between 4 and 10 as well as symptoms, the guidelines state that a GP may consider treatment, but usually they do not.

In the USA, Australia, throughout the rest of Europe and in several other parts of the world, diagnosis requires a level of 2.5 or 3.0 or higher.

I’ve had levels between 4 and 10 twice since the start of May. I’ve had textbook symptoms for a decade. I’ve seen many GPs. I’ve paid for private blood tests.

This is a common problem. Like me, many women with textbook symptoms are diagnosed with ME or fibromyalgia - then later on for some the diagnosis is changed to hypothyroidism when levels eventually go above 10, which can take years, or even decades after symptoms start. There are thousands of people in this country self-medicating with NDT they purchase from abroad in desperation.

There are large communities online - eg the Thyroid U.K. forum, Thyroid Patient Advocacy etc - where you hear the same story over and over again. It’s an absolute scandal.

**
If someone has a level between 4 and 10 as well as symptoms, the guidelines state that a GP may consider treatment, but usually they do not. **

not my experience at all. I was 4.2

I wish I had your GP! I’ve seen many different ones over the years as I’ve moved around. Start of May my TSH was 5.95 - their response was to retest in 3 months (which is next month) so will see what it is then. Given that it’s up and down so much and so quickly it’s a complete lottery as to what will come out on the test. Very variable levels aren’t normal but they’re not interested in that either.

Both of you are looking after 3 very young children so he's probably stressed and exhausted with working and parental duties. Sex probably isn't on his mind because he's feeling low. However, I think you should tell your husband that you find it hurtful when he makes remarks about your weight. Tell him that you've suffered from an ED in the past so you're very sensitive about these kind of comments. He might not realise how his words have upset you.