To be miffed hubby doesn't fancy me any more :'-(

[GinPink]

I just want to know what you would do.

I have three children aged 5, 3 and 3 months.

Hubby seems to have gone off me.

He is a great dad, works hard and normally working 6 days a week. I do work but am on maternity leave now. When he comes home he baths the older two and deals with all the hard work of their craziness till they eventually go to bed, while I either cook dinner or look after the baby depending on how things go. I love him so much and he wouldn't have time to be seeing another woman.

He suffers from a medical condition and has said this has affected his ability to perform in the bedroom until it clears up a bit as it's uncomfortable with condoms.

I offered to go in the pill but his response was that 'wouldn't that make you fat?' I have tried to raise the subject but he always finds a reason not to which usually makes me feel like it's just because I'm hideous.

I've put on loads of weight since having children. I feel really ugly. He is great at cleaning the house, looking after the children and works his ass off but he doesn't say anything to make me feel like he still loves or desires ME. He says loads that I'm a great mum, and appreciates me for that but there's just no affection and I feel like a housemate/baby sitter for him more than an actual person. I need to sort my appearance out but I feel like he should love me and want to be intimate with me any way - as to be fair I've grown three of his babies and pushed them out my foof???

You've written this in a really strange way - people can't give you honest opinions because you've used emotionally charged words that he didn't; and admitted to stripping context from what he did say.

If you aren't confident, do something about it. If you eat less and move more, you will lose weight - and you'd be doing it for you.

Sort the immediate horniness out yourself, if you haven't already, and then talk to him about longer term plans and what he's doing about the skin condition. Has he changed his mind about the snip? Is he just too worried without condoms?

Neither of you seem absolutely awful, from what you've written. He might be; but nobody can say from this thread - it's all twisted so far that it's beyond all comprehension.

I’m due my third child in less than 5 years very soon; the first two have stretched the skin on my stomach to the point it can’t return and I have diastis recti so when I’m not pregnant my stomach looks like a huge deflated balloon. I managed to lose weight and get pretty fit after baby two, but the stomach has remained. At no point has my husband (who has remained looking the same), ever said or intimated that he doesn’t find me attractive, even though I’ve struggled with it. If he uttered an ‘urgh’ sound on my getting undressed in front of him, I would be so crushed.

If you couldn't accept your partner's body would chance after giving birth to your three children in 5 years (including one 3 months ago) you'd be a massive cunt and your partner better off without you though.

Again though there is a big difference between "accepting" and "being sexually attracted to". What I said was it was important to me that the person I'm with looks after their body. All women gain weight after having a baby, and imo it's important to keep yourself healthy during and especially after. A healthy, balanced diet will get the weight back down, and this may or may not be what ops DP is sexually attracted to (and he has every right to be in my opinion!).

He shouldn't make unkind comments like saying you look rank. Until I read that I thought he sounded like he was a loving DH man who was simply shattered. But it really isn't on to make comments like that, especially since you've given birth to his 3 DC.

My DH and I haven't been sexually active for a very long time now, and we're both knackered with looking after our 2 adopted DDs. I feel very unattractive, as I'm a yo-yo dieter and it's always been a struggle to stay slim. He also told me once that he didn't like big women.

But he's never made negative comments about my appearance. That really is so important.

What helps me feel better about myself when s having pampering sessions with a beautician, who is also a good friend. They really help me feel like an attractive woman and not just a mum who is no longer attractive. (I'm 48 so I know I'm no oil painting.)

Thanks again for replies.

I am going to sleep on it, and then read through the whole thread again a few times. A few people have said how strange I sound, I can't explain why maybe I'm just a strange minded person. I often feel very different, who knows.

What is ringing true though is that I need to loose weight for myself and my self confidence. I walk everyday, but do love treats!!

@AnchorDownDeepBreath thank you for replying, im honestly not trying to be confusing/odd. Can I ask what you mean but 'you've used emotionally charged words that he didn't'?

id bloody well forgive my partner for being slightly fatter than usual three months after gestating and birthing my child. She hasnt just all of a sudden let herself go. Shes fucking postnatal

Ok reading further replies.

I do shave my legs and armpits.

I do shower daily and wear makeup.

I have clothes that fit.

I am now scared shitless as even if I eat healthily and exercise the fuck out of myself I will never get back my pre baby body - fact, unless I have surgery (which we can't afford and I don't think I should have to subject myself to). However, I should accept that I'm just hubby just isn't sexually attracted to me anymore, even though it's physically impossible after having our three children???

He shouldn't be making any kind of negative noises when you get undressed. I don't know how he thinks that's going to help.
I actually think instead of talking to MN about how you feel you should tell him calmly yourself.

You had a baby three months ago. Was it a traumatic birth?

or just dump his cruel arse

@pandamodium no, luckily a very straightforward birth. Only my first was very traumatic but I was lucky that my second and third were pretty textbook xx

However, I should accept that I'm just hubby just isn't sexually attracted to me anymore, even though it's physically impossible after having our three children???

No not at all!! I think a lot of couples go through this stage in the first year and have little or no sex, purely because as a pp says everything body and appearance wise is up in the air, mixed in with sleep deprivation, exhaustion etc. You can't do anything about the tiredness now but you can start working on your appearance (if you want to of course!?) by cutting calories and eating a heathy diet. In a years time everything may come together.

I would try to separate this at this time in your marriage he is not sexually attracted to you but there is nothing to say he doesn't love you. Love and sexual attraction are different you can be attracted to someone you can stand, someone you would never consider a relationship with , someone the same sex even though you consider yourself straight. Sometimes we aren't attracted to someone who on paper is perfect for us It just happens you can't change it. Some people aren't attracted to overweight people , some aren't attracted to very thin people, people with short hair, long hair, bald ECT so they wouldn't be interested on them to begin with but if their partner they loved lost/ gained weight / cut all their hair off then while they still love them they may not find them as attractive. It sounds like he isn't really sexually attracted to you right now that is ok. He can't force is or change it. I would tell him his comments are hurting you and if you would like to loose weight ask for his support in that. Then try and take some time for you to do something to make you feel better get a hair cut , paint your nails ECT. You have 3 young children , he works a lot you have just had s baby it's a very busy time for you both. Take care and it just sounds like a blip in a otherwise happy marriage

How would he feel if you said, "Ugh" when you saw his skin? If you told him he looked rank? This is the sort of thing that kills a marriage, not a bit of extra weight. There's a cruelty and a lack of respect there - you really need to tell him he has to change his ways or go.

@Hamiltoes only just popped back into this thread.

I wasn't suggesting that she does nothing about her appearance but it shouldn't be because of him. It should be because she wants to and will make her feel better herself for doing so. Every time I've had a child I've got back into shape, but I've done it for me!

@SleepWarrior I have re read your reply, it really seems valid so thank you.

I am reading through everything again and think...

I think I'm struggling so much with the 'I need to loose weight' issue as previously significant weight loss has always been linked to an eating disorder or other illness. Also when I was my lightest weight I was at my most unhappy time of my life and my personality just faded. This lead to me loosing my last partner. I was probably a size 4 (way back when) with a 6 pack and he, rather brutally dumped me as 'I didn't seem like me anymore'.

However, I can't be miffed that DH isn't sexually attracted to me any more as, I am bigger. And he does have this health condition. However, I just can't shake the (probably unreasonable) fear that I might loose my DH. I love him, he is the one. I need to loose weight for myself and him but sensibly (I will need to visit a gp for guidance on this).

I am worried by the comments saying that I sound strange. Can't help wondering what kind of example I am setting my children and another reason for hubby to leave me.

Also, hubby is a complete dick for saying 'urgh' when I'm getting undressed. I'll have a proper conversation with him tonight to say how this makes me feel and update on here if he says anything else hurtful to see what you think.

Also I'm wondering how the bloody hell does a person with three kids loose weight healthily

Sexual attraction isn't a duty. I don't understand why you think he 'should' find you attractive as though he isn't trying hard enough? It's not something that's under a person's conscious control.

I think it helps if both partners take care of their health and fitness. If my DH suddenly gained lots of weight and stopped exercising, I'd still love him deeply but the sexual attraction might wane.

Are you sure it's your weight putting him off or could he just be tired and stressed?

In your shoes I'd want to have a frank, honest conversation. If my weight was a turn off to him I'd remedy that.

Also tell him it is very rude, unkind and hurtful to say 'urgh' when you undress! That's unacceptable. You've just had a baby too, it takes time to get back into shape.

I wonder if your husband has been your emotional support and you have maybe come to rely on it. The thing is that people can get tired and just run out of steam. If he’s working six days a week and doing a lot of the grunt work when he gets home, I wonder if he’s a bit resentful, especially as he is suffering from the skin condition which probaby affects his self esteem.

That doesn’t mean that you’re to blame. You’ve got a lot on your plate too. But maybe his sniping is due to his inability to express his feelings in a healthier way. Is there anyone else in real life who can provide you with a bit of practical or emotional support? Is there anyone who might look after the kids for a night to give you both a break and an adult night out with the pressure off? Meanwhile you must make it clear that you won’t put up with him being nasty about your appearance. If he is unhappy about something he needs to talk about it in an adult way.

Really saddened by some of the comments here.

I’m much bigger than I was when I met DH, due to illness, hormone issues and then a twin pregnancy. I too have struggled with eating disorders in the past. Fortunately my DH is still just as complimentary as he’s ever been and it doesn’t affect whether he’s attracted to me or not. My DH is bigger than when we met Top and I couldn’t care less.

All this “letting yourself go” stuff is really fucking pissing me off. You have three children and one of them is 3 months old FFS. My twins are nearly two and I still don’t wear make up most days, and if my DH had a problem with that he’d be told to fuck off too.

OP, right now it’s utterly correct that losing weight isn’t your main focus - you have a three month old baby. His comments are unacceptable and you need to have an honest discussion with him,

And when I've taken my clothes off he goes 'urgh' trying to be funny

No man says this to be funny. Not unless he is so criminally stupid that he should never be allowed to play with anything more dangerous than a stress ball.