To be miffed hubby doesn't fancy me any more :'-(

[GinPink]

I just want to know what you would do.

I have three children aged 5, 3 and 3 months.

Hubby seems to have gone off me.

He is a great dad, works hard and normally working 6 days a week. I do work but am on maternity leave now. When he comes home he baths the older two and deals with all the hard work of their craziness till they eventually go to bed, while I either cook dinner or look after the baby depending on how things go. I love him so much and he wouldn't have time to be seeing another woman.

He suffers from a medical condition and has said this has affected his ability to perform in the bedroom until it clears up a bit as it's uncomfortable with condoms.

I offered to go in the pill but his response was that 'wouldn't that make you fat?' I have tried to raise the subject but he always finds a reason not to which usually makes me feel like it's just because I'm hideous.

I've put on loads of weight since having children. I feel really ugly. He is great at cleaning the house, looking after the children and works his ass off but he doesn't say anything to make me feel like he still loves or desires ME. He says loads that I'm a great mum, and appreciates me for that but there's just no affection and I feel like a housemate/baby sitter for him more than an actual person. I need to sort my appearance out but I feel like he should love me and want to be intimate with me any way - as to be fair I've grown three of his babies and pushed them out my foof???

I agree with many here, his own issues are being projected onto you. Similar thing happened with my ex and his depression and no sex for over a year, and eventually we split. However, I do wish at the time that I’d focussed more on myself and maybe made more of an effort with myself as I think I did let myself go a bit. Now we have split, I lost some weight, started doing my hair and makeup now and feel a lot more confident in myself. Why not try and focus on yourself so you can be happy, you sound like you are down on yourself and he isn’t helping.

I think there’s something odd going on with your husband. He gets hard but then doesn’t want to finish? When he has in the past? Why?

And he’s making really nasty comments about your naked body?

I’m a suze 20. I’ve put on 5 stone since I got married and my h - though he has plenty of faults - is unfailingly lovely about my body. He still fancies me, he thinks i’m gorgeous.

I’d be so so hurt if he said what your h has done.

I think there’s something more to your h’s reactions. You need to have a honest talk. And tell him how much his thoughtless, cruel remarks are upsetting you.

For me:
When I had my first child, I was horny as hell soon after she was born (she wouldn’t sleep in her own bed, how cruel for me)
After my second, I was bleeding for a long time after (ragged membranes) and was exhausted at 3 months post birth looking after a toddler and a baby who didn’t sleep as much as I’d like (my ideal would be 10hours uninterrupted so I was unlikely to be ok with any kind of newborn sleep!) My husband was feeling the same, it was a tiring shattering experience. Now that I have a nearly 4 yr old and nearly 18 month old, life is getting back to normal. I would not like to judge my ‘normal’ as being 3 months post birth. There were times around then that things seemed divorcable. But that’s because it can be a bloody hard hard hard time. Be kind on yourself but also your relationship.

You've had three children together, the most recently only three months ago, and he's making horrible comments about your body? that's my first LTB. Seriously, words fail me:( get your stuff sorted, ducks in a row, see a solicitor and leave

He has no control over whether he finds you attractive. That's not his fault, it's the way human beings are.
On the other hand, you do have control over your weight.

It sounds like he loves you a lot and does everything he should. You can't expect to still have all that bliss and nonstop compliments after a couple of years together as that buzz always fades and love is better demonstrated through support which he is showing.

So I just got my first period since getting pregnant with the baby wondering if this contributes to me feeling particularly poop today

If you couldn't accept your partner's body would chance after giving birth to your three children in 5 years (including one 3 months ago) you'd be a massive cunt and your partner better off without you though.

beautifully put !

I had similar thoughts after dd was born. It turned out that dh was very attracted to me, he was terrified though, that we would fall pregnant again and it would leave me very disabled. Once his date for the snip came in and after he had two consecutive negative sperm results, confirming that the snip had worked, he suddenly regained his sex drive and proved that he had never stopped being attracted to me.

It could be the fear of another pregnancy, when you have three very young children. That and you have a newborn, as well as two toddlers! He is working, then coming home and helping you. He is most likely exhausted and the last thing he wants to think about is sex!

I wonder if some posters have read the full thread!

OP I don’t think it’s your period that has made you feel bad about OH’s comments.

A bit of an odd question but, does he have a foreskin issue? He might need to see a doctor if he does.

If part of the reason you’re disappointed about the lack of sex is being horny, why don’t you just sort yourself out? It’s unfair to expect someone to have sex with you every time you’re horny, if they don’t want to (as husband doesn’t) when you’re capable of getting rid of that horniness yourself!

If a man came on here with his wife three months post partum, two small kids, she had a medical issue involving her vagina, and was complaining she didn’t fancy him cos she wasn’t shagging him, and used the ‘but I’m sooo horny’ line, he’d be rightly flayed.

Oh FFS Lyndsey. Have you read the OP's posts? Can't you tell how upset, confused and rejected she is feeling? Her "I'm so horny" was just one throwaway comment among lots of others.

Yes I’ve read them :)

I just haven’t see OP address people’s suggestions that if she’s horny she can just sort herself out. If her sex drive is part of why she’s so upset at her husband not being interested, there’s a pretty simple solution to that.

Other than his comments of ‘urgh’ when OP undresses (that’s awful and I just can’t see why he would even do that) I don’t think there’s anything to worry about in the immediate sense. Many people are only just starting to consider sex three months PP.

OP sounds very unhappy with herself physically and I think PP who’ve suggested she crack on with improving her diet and taking gentle exercise are right on the money. If OP feels good about herself she’ll be less hyper aware trying to interpret her husband’s desire towards her.

Do women really believe it when they say that their partner should find them attractive no matter what they look like?

If a guy were to put on five stone, people on here would be saying how much of a lazy bastard he was, letting himself go, not making an effort. A woman puts on five stone and now it's a different story. Now we say

"ah poor you, he should fancy you no matter what, you gave birth to his kids, those are love lines, you deserve someone better"

What a load of bollocks.

Your OH sounds like he has just had a reality check. Three kids, overweight partner, no hope of things ever improving. Its just life slapping him in the face and now the thought of getting his rocks off with somebody he no longer finds attractive is just not appealing to him anymore.

I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just the brutal reality of your situation. It sucks.

I absolutely guarantee, if you work on yourself, not your relationship, your relationship will come back on it's own.

Lose weight, get fit, get a make over, and you will get your partner back.

Do women really believe it when they say that their partner should find them attractive no matter what they look like?

I doubt anyone believes this deep down.

You can love and respect someone while losing your attraction to them. Being attracted or not is not a choice.

If your partner finds you hot looking a certain way at the beginning it’s not a surprise for them to not find you attractive if you change drastically. Some people are able to maintain being attracted no matter what, if it’s more the person’s personality they’re attracted to. But others are more visual. Neither is objectively right or wrong.

If he has a skin condition he maybe doesn't feel that attractive himself. It's hard to get in the mood when you don't feel sexy.

Going by what you've said about wanting to starve yourself I wonder if he doesn't want the pill affecting your weight because of the affect that will have on your mental health.

Don't always think the worst of him, talk to him about it.

Poor woman had a baby 12 weeks ago and she's being told to get in shape for her husband.

If he put on 10 stone would you still find him sexually attractive? If the answer to that is probably not then we can agree that physical appearance DOES matter. In a lot of cases women just don’t have time to excersise as much after children (and continue to eat poorly).

That being said you gave birth THREE MONTHS ago, Bugger the gym or getting fit for the next year and do what the hell you want 😄

Doesn't sound like he's gone off you at all. Sounds like your both knackered and he's maybe feeling a bit self conscious.

OP hasn’t put on 10 stone though. She’s put on a bit and she’s just had a baby.

Men don’t expect women to go off them when they lose their hair. I don’t find men with no hair attractive at all.

A woman with a three month old absolutely shouldn’t starve herself in order to suit her husband’s preferences. However it sounds as if a) she’s not personally happy at her current weight and b) she has never eaten a healthy diet and doesn’t really know how to do it.

She would be well advised to rethink her way of eating (and the whole family diet in conjunction with her husband) to do the bleeding obvious stuff (lots of veg, hardly any biscuits, cheese, alcohol or chips, moderate portions of beige carbs), because otherwise she’s at risk of putting on a dress size every few years and making herself ill. Obvs she should allow for bf calories if applicable and maybe lean harder on healthy ready meals/preprepped soup than the “cook from scratch” fundamentalists would like, but there’s nothing impossible about a “more broccoli, fewer biscuits” approach to supermarket shopping, even when you have 3 small children.

OP can lose weight if she wants but there’s no guarantee that will solve the problem, as it’s not entirely clear what the problem is.

Also I'm wondering how the bloody hell does a person with three kids lose weight healthily
By eating 'healthy' ie nutritious food in the right quantities and fitting some exercise into your daily life. Having three kids shouldn't stop you from doing that, especially as you said your husband does pitch in with childcare.

Sex is only unimportant to a relationship if both partners feel the same way. To most couples it is a key part of their relationship.
God forbid a woman should want that from her husband - how very dare she!
As for him speaking to her the way he is, that's horrific. She has just had a baby and he says 'urgh' when she undresses. Not acceptable under any circumstances.

He needs to get his arse to a doctor and get fixed whatever is wrong with him. Sounds to me like he is making his issues, your problem - a kind of passing the buck to make himself feel that what is wrong with him is because of you. It isn't. He has changed and he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his current behaviour is not on and it is his resoonsibility to fix it, not yours.
If you want to lose weight in order to feel better for yourself, then fair enough but I honestly think this isn't the root of the problem. If it was, then I think your h is shallow and doesn't love you - a size 14 is hardly a massive weight gain followong 3 babies in 5 years.