AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

[abitannoyedtoday]

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

I'd've let her borrow mine if you were my neighbour and really didn't have any.

The only thing you did wrong was post about it on MN and open you and your dd up to a load of judgment from people who can't comprehend that people might not have the same resources or financial comfort that they do.

that has nothing to do with it. It's just posters having a different opinion and believing it was a complete over-reaction to a non-problem.

I’m incredulous People can’t do right for doing wrong.

There’s no need to spend money, the letter said business attire or school uniform. She has uniform. Your reasons for not buying something especially are wholly sound. You’ve forsaken an opportunity to learn about interviewing skills, how to present yourself at job opportunities, an entire day dedicated to 15yo students getting ready for the workplace ...... for an outfit?! I’m just shaking my head at the world gone mad.

This isn’t about resilience or snowflakes or whatever. It’s about priorities: you prioritized her not feeling “left out” because of the clothes she was wearing, over learning immensely valuable (hopefully) life skills, for free, at exactly the right age. I wouldn’t feel bad about not having financial resources, that’s missing the point.

Holly - you really don't get it do you? You don't need additional financial resources to send her to school in her school blouse and skirt (just like other parents did) so nothing to do with money at all. Another excuse not to take part but money is most definitely not the reason since the school said school uniform is fine. Financial comfort lol she has a uniform already however learning skills useful at interview might mean she has the chance to try them out at a Saturday job interview and gain some money of her own to spend on extras. Then she can gain skills useful to employment and she will gain her own financial comfort in the future. Ducking out serves no-one at all. Sadly it appears the way with some young people if you cannot 'wear the clothing that YP thinks she should wear then don't go' - why on earth not. It isn't money it is confidence to just get on with it, hard but worth the effort to try and then feel better for it. Now she will have to make up some excuse for not going and feel worse for lying or does she just say to her friends 'I didn't have anything to wear so couldn't come to school'?

You are right HairDyedPink….

A complete over reaction from the OP to a simple thing... people make her feel better when they give the poor you financial reasons but reasonable suggestions of a school uniform without the tie/jumper/blazer just wouldn't cut it at all. Solutions are not wanted at all.
Simple problems end up on Mumsnet and if people don't agree and challenge the reason for staying off school then they are unsympathetic/ financially comfortable/judgemental... if you don't like different opinions to a really simple day at school then why post.
This site is just a mix of lots of different people just like life. Some get on with it, some don't some fall over at little things and others look for solutions to get around a problem. We are all different and we parent very differently

None of my dc have ever owned a Christmas jumper. Guess what: on Christmas Jumper Day they go to school in uniform. It's never affected their friendships, it's never affected their learning. For the last couple of years dd has even given the £1 on the day, despite not wearing the jumper, because she recognises that the point of the day is not to get to wear a particular outfit, but to support a charity.

What has today taught the OP's dd? That the right outfit is more important than a job? That your self-esteem is based on what your peers might think about you, rather than on what you can achieve for yourself?

She has missed out on potentially important opportunities for a feeble reason.

I would have encouraged her to go on the basis that what she does in life is more important than what she looks like and what she was going to learn was useful and I doubt everyone invested in new kit. Next time if something similar happens - do you know other mothers you could ring and ask what their children are wearing?

I think on balance she should have gone in but the school was a bit daft to bring business attire into it and not making it clear that school uniform was perfectly acceptable.

Do year 10 parents really contact other parents to check these things out?

DD (Y9) had a similar situation last week for a business enterprise day. I suggested she wear the smartest non-uniform clothing she owns, which was black jeggings and a plain tunic top. It was not have occurred to me to keep her off school.

She said that most of the girls were wearing dresses and some were wearing blazers / suit jackets, but she doesn't own anything like that and I wasn't willing to buy something for a single day's activity which she hadn't chosen to do and where nothing was riding on the outcome. She said she felt a bit under-dressed when she first arrived, but soon forgot about what everyone was wearing.

Well, you’ve certainly given her a very strong message today & that is that what you wear is more important than what you do. You know as well your here that she SHOULD have gone to school & worn her school uniform
I presume you won’t mind in a year or two’s time when she doesn’t want to go into her work experience or her Saturday job because of a bad hair day or because her top has a mark on it

That’s typical. I’ve got a ton of size 6 clothes some of which Dd had for the conference last year - ready for the charity bag because Dd has put weight on & has gone from a size 6 to an 8.

You see with more notice & slight flexibility on tops from the school this could have been much more achievable.

Last night we had to take our 15 year old foster child to a school function. I mistakenly believed the children would be in school uniform, but when we arrived I discovered all the other pupils were in their own casual clothes. My heart sank, but actually he and his friends were fine about it and nothing was even mentioned. Another foster child aged 11 who is notoriously bad for bringing home any school letters, once turned up to school in uniform when everyone else was wearing red (for comic relief). Again absolutely everything was fine. Considering both children have had such tragic and traumatic starts in life and stand out anyway for not living with their families, I was so proud of them for not making a fuss or getting upset about it, when both occasions were my mistake.

There probably were solutions but honestly - some of the hyperbole is ridiculous.

Op had a challenge and limited time to consider her options. She made a judgement call.

To suggest that this is what is wrong with kids today, that the daughter will never face a challenge ever again or that any response other than a flea in her ear and sent out is wrong and poor parenting.

The other day I told my dd we were leaving the park and going home because she had been naughty. I changed my mind once we got half way up the road and we went back. Not my proudest parenting moment but little different from this situation here really. Who would like to stick the boot in?

oh come on, it's about attitude, and the OP asked so got answers.

There are many parents who could easily afford to buy a suit and a pair of heels, but if they receive a letter saying the kid can chose to wear these will refuse to buy them for a day, even if their teen is heartbroken because it's not fair, all their friends will have them, and it's so cruuuuuuuuel

It's a total non-issue for many families, kid asks, is being told no and get on with it.

It seems like many families who can afford things fairly easily are not bothered at all about saying "no".

Yes, I think you were unreasonable. You let your daughter bunk off a useful day because she didn't want to wear her school uniform. There is no way other kids wouldn't be wearing theirs, but I think these are very weak grounds despite your explanation.

Also, she will stand out anyway now because her friends will ask what happened and find out why she bunked off. Unless she is good at lying.

Op had a challenge and limited time to consider her options 🤨
Op has known since Monday that her dd was to wear smart clothes if she had them or uniform if she hadn’t...
How do people navigate their way through life if this constitutes a major challenge?

YANBU.

You should take this up with the school. I'm 38 and I still cringe at the memory of a practice interview evening at my school when I was 16/17. I had no smart work type clothes so went in a skirt and Boise (the smartest things I had), and was criticised by the two (male) interviewers. The whole experience knocked my confidence for a long time. Schools need to have more awareness that parents cannot just pop out and buy interview attire for a school event. Uniform should have been the policy. X

Boise?! Blouse, obviously!!

That appears to have been quite some time ago, Alan
There was no question of op’s dd being criticised if she’d worn her uniform. The school told them it was fine.

In fact some suppotive posts have made me well up a little because I still feel quite shit that she is missing out ultimately because

Op, my mum was a single mum in the days when it was very much taboo. We didn’t go without but neither did we have more than we needed. I expect she felt awful at times too. The reality is however that she died 20 years ago when she was 58 and the older I get, I’m 60 now, I love her more and marvel at how she managed.

Op I think your dd will remember this as a time you had her back. And that counts for a lot at this age. I would just worry if there is any bullying going on, just because of how extreme her reaction was.

Not sure how allowing her to miss an important opportunity constitutes " having her back".
I assume that there is more going on in her relationship with other students if she kicked off about this.
If there isn't, you are being unreasonable to enable this sort of response to what is, on the face of it, a minor challenge.

Had her back... 🤔

I honestly don’t mean this disrespectfuly but you are struggling financially so sound like you’re in low paid work? If so, that should be an incentive to ensure your DD can see all the opportunities available to her so she doesn’t have to fret about buying clothes for her kids in future. I know that’s what my DPs did for me. They didn’t have much and wanted better for me so wouldn’t have let me miss having my eyes opened because I didn’t want to wear my uniform.

Do you honestly think you will be able to give her up to date, relevant and wide ranging careers advice so she can possibly choose her A levels accordingly? I know I’d have limitations in that area. I’m probably unaware of the new careers being dreamt up. There’s new job titles and job descriptions popping up all of the time.

But you could have borrowed.............. No wonder children are struggling these days, parents should be teaching them their self worth, not that they should be so bloody self entitled. Has your daughter been watching the news recently?