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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

354 replies

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 10:34

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

OP posts:

Underparmummy · 06/07/2018 14:21

Heels at 15 suggested by a SCHOOL? F*ck me I'd be in there givng the head teacher a right bloody dressing down.

NO way would my daughter be going to a career session where the girls are asked to wear heels.

FUCK me but secondary education in this country is all about ruining the girls and pumping up the boys. Im so fed up with it.

PolkerrisBeach · 06/07/2018 14:23

So many people getting hung up on the heels thing. OP is clear that the letter said girls could wear heels - the clear inference being that on this one day heels are acceptable when they're not as part of usual school uniform. It's making a bit of a leap from that to say that girls are being required to wear heels.

Unfortunately there are loads of people out there who have no clue what "business dress" means which is why school have to spell it out. Saying what you CAN wear is easier than stating a long list of no jeans, no trainers, no crop tops, no football shirts, no flip flops, no offensive slogans, no hoodies, no tracksuits...

Also totally agree that OP has done the wrong thing by allowing her child to stay off. The daughter has potentially missed an interesting and informative day which could have opened her eyes to career possibilities.

OP didn't need to buy anything. She needed to tell her child that her school skirt, shoes and shirt were perfectly acceptable as business dress and wave her off to enjoy her day. Not colluding with the tears and hysterics and allow her to opt out of something.

Original poster

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 14:24

So my question to you is, now she knows that if she cries she doesn't have to do something she doesn't fancy... what do you do next time she cries... it will happen again.
Well she isn't 4 so I think we are pretty safe this isn't something that will be 'a thing'.

From the Op’s posts it seem things are hard financially and her DD doesn’t have much or get much. I suspect she accepts this as reality and makes no fuss about it but today would have just been too much for her because it highlighted how hard things are. Floradoranora Yes, I think this is pretty much what happened.

Shes been great today though with me at work. I don't think I have anything to worry about her being work shy.

OP posts:

Underparmummy · 06/07/2018 14:25

Polkerris Beach - No-one should be implying heels are standard or required business wear anyway. Damaging stereotypes are being perpetuated by even suggesting it.

Underparmummy · 06/07/2018 14:25

anyway=anywhere

PolkerrisBeach · 06/07/2018 14:27

But it's just being mentioned as an option. Not a requirement. Girls are not usually allowed to wear heels at school. Today they can if they wish to. If they don't, they wear flat shoes.

Boulty · 06/07/2018 14:28

You said it OP …

"So my question to you is, now she knows that if she cries she doesn't have to do something she doesn't fancy... what do you do next time she cries... it will happen again.
Well she isn't 4 so I think we are pretty safe this isn't something that will be 'a thing'." …. well crying worked this time for a 15 year old... yes she isn't 4 but it still worked didn't it!

Boulty · 06/07/2018 14:31

You think you are 'pretty safe' she won't cry again to get out of something... why on earth wouldn't she OP.. you have proved to her it works rather than problem solve... ie wear a school blouse and skirt like lots of the other 15 year old who didn't cry or who did but parents realised that at 15 years old it really isn't an option anymore to cry your way out of something you don't want to do. So the 4 year old behavioural response actually worked

Boulty · 06/07/2018 14:33

Bugger I am reading this again what an idiot you cannot reason with someone who gives up or in so easily. Good luck for the next time.

Boulty · 06/07/2018 14:35

What and idiot I am.... not you... I am an idiot for thinking reasoning and problem solving is the way forward, solutions to problems rather than opting out/missing out or ducking out.

Oh well there it is.

Original poster

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 14:40

Boulty Sorry my posts have angered you so much. I'm sure you won't beleive me but my dd has lost races at sports day and been fine about it, not been picked for stuff, and been fine about it and has been embarrassed before and handled it well. She is very very rarely upset and I in no way pander to silly whims or wrap her or any of my dc in cotton wool. She is a very independant girl and stands up for herself.

And no she has not yet been, as a teenager, to any weddings, funerals, award ceremonies (outside school). She has been to a party but wore her jeans. So we have had zero need for this type of clothing. I am sorry you are finding it so hard to grasp. Think what you will.

I am encouraged by the supportive posters and feel I did do the right thing now. In fact some suppotive posts have made me well up a little because I still feel quite shit that she is missing out ultimately because of me and our money situation. I am glad I didn't send her into the lions den today, rightly or wrongly. Sometimes as parents we need to do things that goes against the grain a little. I never in a million years thought I would let my dc stay off school for something like this, until I saw just how much it had affected her.
DD2 has reported to me that she only saw a few year 10s in uniform so far today.

OP posts:

AlexanderHamilton · 06/07/2018 14:44

What size is your dd annoyed? I know its too late this time but I've got lots of barely worn stuff in a variety of sizes from when I used to costume kids in shows.

Butterflycookie · 06/07/2018 14:51

When I was at school, I also had one of those days where we had to wear business clothes. Most just wore black trousers and a top with school shoes. I’m pretty sure we alsohad work experience in year 10 and in sixth form in which we had to wear smart clothes. What will your daughter do when she has to go for work experience?

Wolfiefan · 06/07/2018 14:53

So she wouldn't have been the only one? She could have gone.
Or borrowed something.

Butterflycookie · 06/07/2018 14:54

I honestly don’t think wearing her school uniform would’ve been that bad. I remember many mufti days wear at least someone would forget. She obviously wouldn’t have been the only one. Sometimes in life you have to be the odd one out

Butterflycookie · 06/07/2018 14:55

*where

Yura · 06/07/2018 14:58

I agree with you - the school
has been foolish.
I'm tying this from our central london head office where absolutely nobody wears suits etc, especially not on a hot day. haven't seen anybody in heels today either. its trousers and shirt sleeved shirts or summerdresses everywhere. we are not exactly a forefront of innovation tech business but fairly mainstream.
(yes, i'm reading mumsnet at work - waiting for the bloody teleconference equipment to start working again)

Original poster

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 14:59

AlexanderHamilton She is a 6 and thats very kind of you. I am going to keep my eyes open on eBay or when we go out, as will she, for any such things in the future. Many posters are right in that she is at an age where she needs something like this in case of interviews or events.

OP posts:

OverTheHedgeHammy · 06/07/2018 14:59

Couldn't you have contacted the mums of a couple of her friends and borrowed something?

My friend and I are always borrowing things from each other for our DC's special school events.

I think it's time for you to expand your DD's wardrobe, this isn't going to be the last time she needs to wear better clothing.

Firstly, she needs somewhere to keep a few items of decent clothing, even if that's hanging in your wardrobe.

Then keep an eye out on ebay (schpock, etc) or the local charity shops for a few bits and pieces, and buy a couple of inexpensive items as they come up. A couple of trips into the nearest Primark or TK Max wouldn't go astray, either. It really doesn't need to cost a lot, but you won't find the bargains when you're pressed for time.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/07/2018 15:01

I think you know your own dd and what would work for her. She's shown herself to be resilient and hard-working in other situations so that's why you don't feel worried she'll do it again. I think you did the right thing.

SofiaAmes · 06/07/2018 15:04

What a pity your dd missed the opportunity of what could have been a good learning experience. My dd is 15 and has already had a job interview and several internship interviews which she had to wear something smart for. And in fact in her Music Business Class (she's in a performing arts magnet - we're in the USA) she actually had to make a presentation to a group of real music business executives and had to find something to wear to that which was extra hard because it had to be professional but not too conventional. She doesn't own "business wear" not because she's 15 (I don't own any either), but because she's not particular traditional and not interested in a traditional job. However, she does need to know what's appropriate and what's not. She figured it out and it didn't involve buying clothes or me taking her shopping (what 15 year old wants their mother at the mall with them), though she could have perfectly well gone down to the local charity shop and found something (which she does all the time).

HollyGibney · 06/07/2018 15:10

The only thing you did wrong was post about it on MN and open you and your dd up to a load of judgment from people who can't comprehend that people might not have the same resources or financial comfort that they do. In your position I'd have done the same OP.

lemonnmeringuepie · 06/07/2018 15:30

Bit late in the day but yes I'd have let her stay off.

Snowysky20009 · 06/07/2018 15:43

Couldn't she have asked a friend to borrow a top? 'Em you know it's smart tomorrow, I've only got t-shorts, can I borrow a top please?' We always used to borrow clothes (actually still do if we only need it once, pointless otherwise).

SendYouUpInFlames · 06/07/2018 15:53

Could she not just wear her black school skirt with a white polo? Or a smart top? Down black tights and just some pumps, Or cheap black shoes?

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