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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have let dd stay off school today

354 replies

abitannoyedtoday · 06/07/2018 10:34

Name changed for this as could be outing.

DD is in year 10, so 15 years old. Today is careers day. No lessons, the day is based around careers and alot of it is focused on how to conduct yourself in a job interview and the children will be doing some pretend job interviews with teachers.

All fine so far, no problem with any of that. In fact it sounds great.

But the letter home at the beginning of the week said children need to go in 'business attire'. They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels. If they do not have business attire they can go in school uniform.

DD does not have anything 'business like' because, well, she is 15 and hasn't needed things like that so I just said to her to go in her uniform.

Last night she was sobbing her heart out because she said no one else is going to be wearing school uniform and lots of people have bought clothes and shoes to wear specially. I cannot afford to buy business attire for a one day thing at school.

For the record their school uniform consists of a blazer, tie, trousers or skirt so basically would pass as business wear!

This morning I decided to let her take the day off as she could potentially be the only one in school uniform and she was really distraught at the thought of this. I mean, this isn't like just a non uniform day where they can wear their normal clothes so I am a bit annoyed that the school really havent thought through the impact of requesting business attire for a bunch of 15 year olds when their uniform would be perfectly fine.

DD is very smart, in top sets and is hardly ever off and won't be missing actual lessons anyway, just career guidance which I can help her with in most areas.

I feel like a really shit mum to be honest because I couldn't take her shopping to buy something to wear for this. I know thats not the schools fault but I am a bit cross that they haven't considered this might be an issue. So AIBU to have let her stay home. Shes not just dossing about, shes working with me today so kind of career related I suppose.

I've put my hard hat on because I know its very frowned upon to let children miss a day of school for anything other than illness.

OP posts:
Scoopofchaff · 06/07/2018 13:27

Fevertree somewhat off topic but the career day at your school sounds really excellent! Wish we had had something like that in my day.

Boulty · 06/07/2018 13:30

Resilience comes with practice from a young age of learning you cannot have everything you want, cannot always win - you have to lose a race/game etc. How long do we delay 'experiences' and cotton wool until the person is 'ready'.... gentle pushing of boundaries teaching that it is ok to be different, ok to lose a race, ok to not be the prettiest, wear the most fashionable clothes, have the latest phone, that 'likes' on FB or whatever social media isn't what life is all about.

Anxiety is on the rise in the young and self harm increasing, suicide because someone cannot achieve the nest at university... society is playing a sad game where over protecting about the LITTLE THINGS means young people grow up unable to deal with the bigger issues.

Wearing a school uniform skirt with a blouse … if that is an issue worth sobbing over then the poor OP will have some major problems at college and university or when the exams come around. Whatever happened to do your best/try it out/ etc. That is not being mean but all need to face things even 15 year olds, and by gradually facing things over and over from a young age we grow and we understand and build our mental well being. If we cotton wool for the little things and don't allow any failure (losing a race) or any small amount of feeling different or slightly uncomfortable then we really are not helping our young people.

I hate the expression used by my parents generation of 'snowflakes' but we really don't help our young people at all sometimes.
For those saying she is lovely or awesome … what because she cried? There is no evidence of being lovely or awesome given... I am sure she is but come up whats with the oh I am so very supportive brigade that say she is lovely, you are fab, everything is roses tht is not supportive at all it is enabling youngsters to give up and feel ok to give up at the slightest hurdle in their way. Life can be tough and to the ones saying resilience is important - yes they get it, gentle building up and encouragement and PROBLEM SOLVING is the way forward not just a 'don't go then/don't do it then' attitude that acutally doesn't help anyone much less the young person at all.

Well done to the children and parents who actually wore their uniform or a basic skirt and blouse etc and tried to get on board with the importance of skills for interviews ….

FeminaSum · 06/07/2018 13:31

YANBU OP.

I still remember a school event where we were all supposed to wear smart white blouses. I didn't have one (school uniform was a different colour) and couldn't have bought one, even from Primark, due to a difficult family situation. Asked a friend to borrow one, she agreed, and then forgot to bring it with her on the day. The smart black long-sleeved top I'd worn to go in was 'unacceptable' and the teachers made me wear a white t-shirt several sizes too big for me instead. Probably came out of lost property.

Sure, I should have been more 'resilient' and not cared, but I was about 13. It was horrible. And I was a teenager with an unusual fashion sense who generally didn't care what others thought of how I looked or if I stood out. This was standing out in a negative way, which is how your DD would see wearing school uniform when everyone else is wearing smart, more 'adult' outfits for a special day. You're a good mum for empathising with her feelings.

Schools need to understand that while many teenagers will either have these items or be able to get them fairly easily, it's the most disadvantaged who suffer and miss out because of it.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 06/07/2018 13:32

Does your DD not ever go to any events you have to dress up for? Weddings, funerals, church, award ceremonies, presentations, photographs, parties and on and on. What does she wear to these? It is hard to imagine a teenager hasn't got a plain skirt/trousers and a plain top/shirt that would do for a few hours in school?

Nousernameforme · 06/07/2018 13:32

meh I couldn't get worked up about her missing the careers day, it's one of many career and or college events that will take place between now and when she leaves school not to mention the ones that take place in college and 6th form.

That said i would look at putting a business type outfit together for her. She is gong to need one for college and 6th form interviews plus if they pull this dress code crap again you will be prepared.

beachysandy81 · 06/07/2018 13:36

The school did give an option so I don't really get the issue. Uniform would have been fine, I expect the ones not in uniform just changed their top anyway. What a shame she has missed out on this. I would have sent my children in uniform if we had nothing else to hand. I definitely wouldn't have bought anything new for it. Maybe I am a bad mum though as I wouldn't have given much sympathy either.

Boulty · 06/07/2018 13:36

I don't normally allow these posts to irritate me but this one has.

Why, at sports day at primary last week - a gentle KS1 sports day there were parents saying you don't have to run/jump/do the egg and spoon if you don't want to.... these same parents will be the ones who don't support the schools (my little darling doesn't like the black school shoes why can't she wear the fancy ones if she wants to wail, cry run to the daily fail...for sad face picture)…

The same ones who want them to be the popular kid with the trendy clothes and the silly latest phone... the ones with the kids that get upset so easily...

I have seen it so often in my work. The gently supportive parents that encourage trying/giving it a go no matter what the outcome/ will over years and years of this gentle encouragement see children grow into adults who don't have anxiety attacks at the word 'exam' and panic attacks at anything they don't want to do. It is frustrating but some parents really do add to the child's problems not help at all.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 06/07/2018 13:40

YABU. My son had this earlier this week and I got him a smart shirt from Primark for £8, which he wore with school trousers.

He loved the careers day and it gave him loads of good, new ideas.

Primark is open till 8pm most evenings. Or ASOS offers next-day delivery, and really cheap stuff.

I think you made the wrong call here.

Boulty · 06/07/2018 13:40

Quote "Does your DD not ever go to any events you have to dress up for? Weddings, funerals, church, award ceremonies, presentations, photographs, parties and on and on. What does she wear to these? It is hard to imagine a teenager hasn't got a plain skirt/trousers and a plain top/shirt that would do for a few hours in school?"

Of course she does... but why problem solve when you can just avoid a situation you don't fancy. I have to stop reading this now …. before I have an anxiety attack. Another jump in anxiety and panic/stress for the next generation and no-one seems to know why!!!!

Knittedfairies · 06/07/2018 13:40

I think the school is at fault here; not only at fault, but ridiculous. I can imagine that more students will be checking out each other’s outfit than listening to any presentations.

Boulty · 06/07/2018 13:43

Beachy ….

"beachysandy81 Fri 06-Jul-18 13:36:47
The school did give an option so I don't really get the issue. Uniform would have been fine, I expect the ones not in uniform just changed their top anyway. What a shame she has missed out on this. I would have sent my children in uniform if we had nothing else to hand. I definitely wouldn't have bought anything new for it. Maybe I am a bad mum though as I wouldn't have given much sympathy either."

You are NOT a bad mum though... although many of the cotton wool brigade will get their knickers in a twist and say you are... You mean you would actually get your child to go to school for something that they might learn from....ROFL dying breed though

Boulty · 06/07/2018 13:45

Great book to read - "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway"

diddl · 06/07/2018 13:45

I think that she should have gone in-it's unlikely that "no one else" would be wearing school uniform!

As for parents buying stuff just for this-also unlikely I would say, although they might have done so with a view to future interviews/6th form?

Mummymummums · 06/07/2018 13:47

I think YABU. I'm sure any smart'ish attire would have been fine, even if it was a top teamed with School trousers or a skirt. What will she tell her friends as to why she wasn't there? Will she say she was sick? Or say she wasn't happy about what she has to wear?
I think it's a shame she missed this event - it can be where ideas are found, and guidance from mum or dad is not the same.

bellinisurge · 06/07/2018 13:49

Really odd, op. "Cheap as chips" suits blouses/shirts at Tesco/Sainsburys etc.
Still not clear why didn't get this for her.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/07/2018 13:53

ds(14) would have been fine going in his uniform of school trousers and shirt (including his black school trainers as he doesn't currently have smart shoes that fit). He's done it before (when he's forgotten its non uniform day) and now knows its not a big deal to be one of only a few. If I'd said to him now I would buy a suit he would have said no as it would be a waste of money for one day and he would have been ok to say to teachers he didn't have smart shoes as he is comfortable he has no need for them.

Your dd would have felt awkward going in for the first time but you should have encouraged her as we all have situations where we feel uncomfortable but sometimes you just need to get on with it. Today you taught her avoidance rather than encouraged her to be strong and confront an issue.

CurbsideProphet · 06/07/2018 13:57

I'm sure that she'll have missed nothing at a career's day with no input from external companies and a ridiculous dress code. You sound a very caring mum.

It's embarrassing that so many posters are unable to read a thread properly. "Why didn't you buy her new clothes?" is the new cancel the cheque Hmm

AlexanderHamilton · 06/07/2018 13:58

A child whose entire wardrobe consists of 6 tops, 2 pairs of jeans,some jogging bottoms and a couple of jumpers and who doesn't even have a wardrobe in her bedroom is unlikely to be able to afford a £6 blouse (cheapest I could find in Asda) on 3 days notice unless someone went without food.

Ofew · 06/07/2018 13:58

I'm all in favour of parents making the best choices in the interests of the child - you did what you felt best is good enough for me.

The big issue for me would be the heals. FFS, I have a fairly senior, professional job and I never ever wear heals to the office. The idea that it is necessary for women to wear impractical, often painful shoes is unbelievable. All the more so when talking about school children. Pretty sure it's sex discrimination (educational establishments aren't allowed to discriminate under the Equality Act) to make only girls wear heals. A young woman recently won a claim against her workplace who made her wear heals as a receptionist.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/07/2018 14:01

School wasn’t making her wear heels

Cornishclio · 06/07/2018 14:01

I think her school trousers and maybe a smart shirt would not have cost the earth and if you could not afford that then just her school shirt. She really needs to toughen up too if she is that worried about what everyone else is wearing. Whilst I appreciate that peer pressure can affect some youngsters a lot doing something like this could have built her confidence by being willing to go against the crowd. I bet she would not have been the only one in school uniform. It is a shame she has missed out. Work on building up her confidence as she will face lots of scenarios like this as she moves into sixth form and university if she opts for that.

Ofew · 06/07/2018 14:07

School wasn’t making her wear heels

OP said "They suggest suits and tie for boys and skirt or trouser suits for girls with heels."

OK they weren't literally forcing her feet into shoes with high heals, but the clear expectation is that girls should wear heals.

ilovesooty · 06/07/2018 14:10

@Fevertree the day you organised sounds fantastic.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/07/2018 14:11

School shoes would have been fine.

KatherinaMinola · 06/07/2018 14:16

That's a real shame but I think you did the right thing. She was obviously distressed, so no point adding to that.

I remember a similar day at sixth form where we had mock interviews with local businesses. My feedback was that I was very good but didn't get the job because I didn't wear a suit. Hmm I didn't have a suit.

The heels dress code is also a bit Hmm.

I would write to the school and explain.