to decide not to return to work?

[30minsleepisnotenough]

Old employers from 2015 have just asked me to come back 2 days a week. They were awesome employers, I know I could do the job well, they want my specific skills, at 20-ish hours a week close to home and school and DH's work, it would be the perfect part-time job; and it could potentially go for many years (1-year rolling contract as funding is awarded for it yearly). We live somewhere where jobs like this don't come up often and I've had great difficulty finding worthwhile work - or indeed any work at all.

However, DS (20 months) is a horrifically bad sleeper, I've been surviving on 30 minutes a couple of times a day, for most of his life. I am so tired I can't balance, can't drive, am barely able to function. I am not sure I can actually cope with working. DS absolutely hates noisy environments full of marauding kids (and 10 weeks of 2 playgroups and music classes overseas recently showed that he doesn't settle over time: he seems to hate the noise more, the longer we persevere). He is inclined to be very "sensitive", crying at the slightest shove or snatch from another kid... indeed crying at the slightest frustration and working himself into a lather to the point of vomiting pretty easily, if not comforted. He's probably chronically and acutely overtired (I know I am).

Everything screams at me that this is NOT the age to start him at nursery, when other kids the same age problem-solve by hitting, biting, snatching, shoving because they're frustrated and insufficiently verbal to negotiate properly. I can't find any childminders that are close enough that I actually like (have found a couple that I definitely don't like much). A nanny would mean I was paying about 100 quid a week to work. No family to help.

Turning this job down is the correct thing to do under these circumstances, yes?

I would take the job, it's a fabulous opportunity, and take a punt on the fact that child in nursery = child exhausted from all the new experiences, interractions with other kids etc, and will thus probably sleep better, nurserys often have quiet time where all the kids are encouraged to lay down for a nap, so getting more daytime sleep might help him too. Yes it'll take a while to settle in nursery but he's going to have to go to school one day.
By the time you sort a nursery/start the job, these hot hot nights will likely have given way to slightly cooler nights and that will help too.

When he wakes do you instantly wake/move to settle him, or do you ignore till it becomes a complete angry rage?

sitting on your arse for 8 hours, punctuated only by a nice peaceful lunch

Or maybe being run ragged trying to meet expectations, working through lunch, stressing about meetings and taking work home with you in the evening. I mean, it all depends what kind of "office job" we're talking about.

I think those saying 'take the job' might have no idea of the unimaginable, indescribable stress that comes with no sleep and a responsible job where you can't afford to mess up. It actually nearly killed me.

I had a professional job but I still found it less stressful when I went back to work. This was probably because there was no argument for not sharing night wakenings but also because DD slept better once at nursery. Obviously, this doesn't always happen but it is worth a try (as well as getting advice from sleep consultants etc).

Well of course it does RoboticSealpup

Does the job pay enough to cover not just the child care you'd need (2 days a week), but also an extra "recovery" day? (Either a whole day or 2 half days).

That might be the best for you. If you worked say, Monday and Wednesday but had Tuesday with DS in nursery/with a childminder so you could sleep/get on top of your life admin, would that make your life better?

You clearly don’t want the job right now so don’t take it. If you can manage financially without it then make the most of time at home with your son.

Thank the company for the offer, say you can’t return to work right now but would definitely be interested if a similar vacancy occurs in the future.

10:1 is against regulations- are you not in the UK?

adviceplease. I didn't HAVE to go back to work, however I CHOSE to go (read run) back to work- I needed adult conversation without a 6 month year old clinging to me! (Disclaimer:- my boys are my life and I love them more than anything!)

I suffered no sleep for years and it was hell. I also stayed home for 17 years with 5 DC. No regrets here. Loved every minute. It was hard to get confident about 're entering the workplace but I am now almost qualified in a professional role. Life's too short to struggle if you have the choice. Few people understand prolonged severe lack of sleep. You will know when the time is right to go back. Staying home is a perfectly valid option. Why make life harder for yourself?

1. We had someone come to our house to care for teh child - that may be an option - put an ad out there for a student. then the child is in a quiet familiar home place.
2. I had non sleeping children and found work was a rest! Also you can sometimes sleep on the train to work so get more not less sleep by virtue of working and I've slept at my desk or on the loo when tired at work.

put an ad out there for a student. then the child is in a quiet familiar home place.

You mean a nanny?

I'd go back to work - the PT will no doubt merge into a FT offer in time . Up to you though obviously . On a personal level for the sanity of work if quite happily ' work for nothing ' ie money straight on childcare .

My DS started nursery at that age and he came on leaps and bounds. It was the best thing we did for him. I appreciate all children are different.

Could you get him in somewhere for a trial period to see how he gets on?

You may also find that he will sleep better after a day at nursery, DS would come home absolutely shattered and have a nap which was unheard of for him!

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

If the job is 2.5 days a week and your son would be going to nursery anyway, could you not add an extra day of nursery so that you can have a rest day? So he'd be going in 3.5 days a week (would cost an extra £25 or so per week but would be worth it for the extra sleep?).

OP I personally would make it my priority to ascertain what is causing his lack of sleep. My school have complex SN and your ds isn't a 'bad sleeper'; he isn't sleeping at all! Five minute sleeps consistently is not normal or healthy at all. It is very reassuring that he is developmentally appropriate but I would go privately to undergo full checks, it may be something quite simple such as a silent reflux.

I would take the job! As a Mum returning to work after an extra years maternity break it was really hard and demoralising trying to find a decent part time job (9 long months of looking) , they are really rare! I would pay for a sleep consultant to come in and just find the childcare that will suit your son.

I don't think there is a "right" answer it depends on so much else we dont know. How old are you ?, how much does your DH earn ? Do you have other children ? Is your family complete ? What about your pension ? FWIW I would take the job and get DH to step up ( could he drop a day ?) but that totally depends on all the other factors.

@30minsleepisnotenough I haven't time to read the whole thread so posting quickly. Will come back and read later.

My opinion is that if you didn't have the choice financially you would be leaving no stone unturned in a frantic search to solve the sleep issue. The financial pressure would be making you but you should be doing it for your own mental health!! Also for your baby sleep is crucial for development too!

If nursery's don't look like an option get a nanny, one of those sleep consultants sound like a good idea, they are the experts.

Hi, I feel for you OP. My 1st born was a horrendous sleeper until 2nd bday. Apart from the job situation, could you tell us more about sleep, have you tried co sleeping? Explored possibility of silent reflux? I’d definitely go private if you can afford it. I’d also explore childminder option which could be more suitable for your ds?