to decide not to return to work?

[30minsleepisnotenough]

Old employers from 2015 have just asked me to come back 2 days a week. They were awesome employers, I know I could do the job well, they want my specific skills, at 20-ish hours a week close to home and school and DH's work, it would be the perfect part-time job; and it could potentially go for many years (1-year rolling contract as funding is awarded for it yearly). We live somewhere where jobs like this don't come up often and I've had great difficulty finding worthwhile work - or indeed any work at all.

However, DS (20 months) is a horrifically bad sleeper, I've been surviving on 30 minutes a couple of times a day, for most of his life. I am so tired I can't balance, can't drive, am barely able to function. I am not sure I can actually cope with working. DS absolutely hates noisy environments full of marauding kids (and 10 weeks of 2 playgroups and music classes overseas recently showed that he doesn't settle over time: he seems to hate the noise more, the longer we persevere). He is inclined to be very "sensitive", crying at the slightest shove or snatch from another kid... indeed crying at the slightest frustration and working himself into a lather to the point of vomiting pretty easily, if not comforted. He's probably chronically and acutely overtired (I know I am).

Everything screams at me that this is NOT the age to start him at nursery, when other kids the same age problem-solve by hitting, biting, snatching, shoving because they're frustrated and insufficiently verbal to negotiate properly. I can't find any childminders that are close enough that I actually like (have found a couple that I definitely don't like much). A nanny would mean I was paying about 100 quid a week to work. No family to help.

Turning this job down is the correct thing to do under these circumstances, yes?

Definitely take the job. My daughter sleeps soundly after playschool because they do so many activities and you might find similar with your son. Either way, your stage is difficult - I have had years of going to work after getting up at night, but it will pass. The job is worth it.

Don't be so ridiculous adviceplease.

I think that if you don't need to work, there are solutions to all of your other issues that can be solved by means that don't involve having to work too, so I wouldn't take the job solely to solve your other problems.

Sure, lots of people have found many (sometimes unexpected) benefits to working alongside raising children and I personally love my work and get heaps out of it, but I agree with PPs that you should address your sleep issues, etc regardless of whether you take the job.

And I do sympathise - sleep deprivation is utterly, utterly shite.

Nursery ratios at that age are 1:3, if you find a small nursery the whole room might be 6 or 9 children. They will have some kind of magic power that makes the kids nap for at least an hour in the day despite being on a mat in a brightly lit room with all the other kids! They certainly don’t leave the children to resolve their issues by snatching or hitting
At work you’d get chance to have a hot drink, a meal that you weren’t trying to feed to someone else and adult conversation. You presumably don’t sleep in the daytime now anyway if you are looking after DS and he doesn’t sleep so I doubt the work would require much more focus and concentration than keeping a toddler safe and entertained!
That said it does sound like you need to keep pushing for help with the sleep. Your DH needs to do at least 2 complete nights, one of your working days and one at the weekend where you can sleep through. Then goodness knows where else you turn, back to the hospital or to a private consultant but this can’t be right.

Take the job! It's a break from parenting, you're earning money, and I bet you it will do DS some good.
At least, have a go and see how things go. Parenting is bloody hard, lack of sleep is torture, you never know, this might help structure things.

Take the job, share the night wakings with DH - nursery will benefit your DC hugely from the sounds of it and give you a break.
Nurseries aren't full of marauding kids btw, they're calm places where individual kids needs are catered for and where the staff have literally seen it all.
It'll also help settle him, get him into a routine and hopefully wear him out so that he sleeps better. Worst comes to worst you tell nice employers that actually it isn't working out. I thinking it'll be the making of both you and DC, and is worth a try.

What have you got to lose at this point?

And as for working with kids - honestly there's NEVER a 'good' time, there's always a reason not to, but I'm definitely a happier, better parent for working than not.

Take the job. DS2 was a chronic non-sleeper. When I went back to work I felt just like you. But uninterrupted lunch-hours, even the odd coffee-break made me feel like a human-being again. What a luxury! To be able to follow a stream of thought for twenty minutes!- bliss. Also, interacting with actual intelligent, unrelated adults- marvellous!

Take the job

Try and find a way to take the job.

FWIW sleep in a childcare setting is often very different from sleep at home. My dd started staying for 6h sessions at nursery, incl nap (albeit she was a bit older than your ds) having never gone to sleep without bf from me or being in dh's arms. She went off fine with no trouble whatsoever the very first time and ever since. She's started sleeping through at night since then, too (still with a ridiculously late bedtime, but I count my blessings).

That said, it does sound as if something may be going on - is there anything else that points to an ASC? Do you co-sleep?

Be brave. Take the job. The way things are currently isn't working for any of you - you, your husband or your child. Your future self will thank you (believe me!!).

Adviceplease - um, no - that job sounds like the holy bloody grail (and I say this as someone in quite a holy-grail-ish position herself).

I would take the job. Personally, I felt more relaxed once I went back to work as I got lunch breaks etc. I also got more sleep as even though DD woke up a lot in the night still, DH had to get up as much as me. The nursery staff will be more able to cope with your DS than you are at the moment because unlike you, they aren't chronically sleep deprived. I think that this may help his sleep but if not you can always resign again (although I wouldn't do this until you have worked for a few months).

They will have some kind of magic power that makes the kids nap for at least an hour in the day despite being on a mat in a brightly lit room with all the other kids!

Yes, I used to be amazed by the fact that if you walk in after lunch the children are all fast asleep on mats!

The job could literally be a life saver to you. You are so dragged down you can't imagine how your life can improve, but it can and will. The job will help you crawl out of the hole you find yourself in, back to who are as a person. Take it.

Thanks everyone. Am listening. Too tired to do anything now, but have scheduled some cm interviews and nursery visits for next week. Dh is splitting nights too.

Just fyi the 10:1 figure is correct where we are. Many nurseries have much better ratios but at least one local one does not. It and another one talk a lit about independence which seems to equate to crap supervision and Lord of the Flies toddlers. Thankfully there are better options.

You're currently undergoing what amounts to sleep-deprivation torture to the extent you can't think straight and people are telling you to take the job so you can "have a break".

I have a "holy grail-job" which actually sounds kind of similar to the one OP describes. Whilst it's a break from childcare it's certainly not a break in any other sense of the word. It can be really stressful and demanding and my boss can't really give a shit if I've been up all night because, you know - deadlines! So you'll still be physically and emotionally exhausted, with all the added work related stress on top.

DD was also a terrible sleeper until around 2.5 and I didn't go back to work until then. An opportunity rolled around when she was 1.5 and I completely fucked up the interview, which in hindsight was a good thing because I knew I wasn't ready and I would have fucked it up and burned my bridges. The organisation (which I had worked for before having DD) then called me again a year later to offer me a job and I'm still there now.

It sounds like going back at this point would be a bad idea and could lead to compete burnout. It also sounds like you have a highly sensitive child who needs you. If you don't need to go back to work, I don't think it's worth torturing yourself and risking your mental health for this job.

I'll go against popular opinion here.

I think those saying 'take the job' might have no idea of the unimaginable, indescribable stress that comes with no sleep and a responsible job where you can't afford to mess up. It actually nearly killed me.

If you take the job, you'll have work stress to handle on top of your current problems, and if you end up leaving/doing badly that could affect your future prospects.

I would say, get the sleep sorted then think about a job.

if not you can always resign again

Yes, but they won't call her again in the future if she does this.

If any nursery truly has 1:10 for one-year olds then they'd need reported to Ofsted. I'm not sure I really believe that - unless you're not in the UK where things might be different?

Another one saying take the job! But I think you need to re-frame how you view work - your view seems very negative (do you have PND?). Understandably, you are very overwhelmed from lack of sleep, which is likely affecting your thinking.

You will discover that work is a rest by comparison & it becomes "me-time".

As a side-note, is your DH doing some of the night wakenings? I sincerely hope so! It's his child too & he ought to be doing at least 1 night a week, or 2 half nights. Sleep training didn't work for us either & at 2.5 DS was finally allowed in to our bed & we got sleep. Wish I'd done it earlier.

And your SAHM friends seem to have a very strange attitude about nurseries. In contrast, my experience is that children attending private nurseries are way better behaved, as nurseries enforce strict behaviour policies consistently. The worst behaved children I have ever encountered were those at at school nursery with SAHM's.

Children also seem to do things for nurseries & childminders that they won't do for you eg eating certain foods. I was shocked that DD would sleep on a mat in a room full of other children, but she did.

So find a way to take the job.

You will discover that work is a rest by comparison & it becomes "me-time".

What kind of jobs do you people have? (Can I get one too?) I can't believe how many posters are saying stuff to this effect!

Well loads of people have office jobs, so sitting on your arse for 8 hours, punctuated only by a nice peaceful lunch, is likely to be easier than entertaining a sleepless one-year old from 6am to bedtime.

The 10:1 ratio is illegal it should be 3:1.

I would take the job and hire a sleep consultant.

Yes, but they won't call her again in the future if she does this.

They might not anyway, if she doesn't take up the job offer on this occasion.