to decide not to return to work?

[30minsleepisnotenough]

Old employers from 2015 have just asked me to come back 2 days a week. They were awesome employers, I know I could do the job well, they want my specific skills, at 20-ish hours a week close to home and school and DH's work, it would be the perfect part-time job; and it could potentially go for many years (1-year rolling contract as funding is awarded for it yearly). We live somewhere where jobs like this don't come up often and I've had great difficulty finding worthwhile work - or indeed any work at all.

However, DS (20 months) is a horrifically bad sleeper, I've been surviving on 30 minutes a couple of times a day, for most of his life. I am so tired I can't balance, can't drive, am barely able to function. I am not sure I can actually cope with working. DS absolutely hates noisy environments full of marauding kids (and 10 weeks of 2 playgroups and music classes overseas recently showed that he doesn't settle over time: he seems to hate the noise more, the longer we persevere). He is inclined to be very "sensitive", crying at the slightest shove or snatch from another kid... indeed crying at the slightest frustration and working himself into a lather to the point of vomiting pretty easily, if not comforted. He's probably chronically and acutely overtired (I know I am).

Everything screams at me that this is NOT the age to start him at nursery, when other kids the same age problem-solve by hitting, biting, snatching, shoving because they're frustrated and insufficiently verbal to negotiate properly. I can't find any childminders that are close enough that I actually like (have found a couple that I definitely don't like much). A nanny would mean I was paying about 100 quid a week to work. No family to help.

Turning this job down is the correct thing to do under these circumstances, yes?

Get a nanny if you can afford it. I was in a similar situation three years ago, having been off work for five years/3 kids. I got a great nanny, even though I knew it would cost me almost all my wages, because I knew i wouldn't need expensive childcare forever so it felt like a good investment to get back into work. If it doesn't work out you can always give up.

Stating the obvious, I know, but have you tried co-sleeping? It was the only way we could resolve dd's sleep issues when I went back to work.

If you want to return to work eventually, I'd try very hard to make this job work. The same opportunity might not come around again.

Ultimately, though, if you feel you can't do it, then that's a valid choice too.

Take the job OP! Just having a break from toddler stuff might help you and in turn him. And this job won't come again.
He'll be fine! The toddler rooms at nursery look chaotic and yes it can be loud. Your DC will get used to it if he can manage play group he can manage nursery.
And whoever told you that only children who go to nursery snatch and push and hit is deluded!! I actually think my DS has been very well socialised at nursery in that regard.

Take the job. It sounds like opportunities like that where you are are rare.

Night parenting is as much your H’s responsibility as yours. If you’re exhausted/unwell, a top priority for you both should be addressing that.

IME paid work (in an office in my case) is much less exhausting than toddler care.

There may be good childcare options other than nursery. Your DS may well be fine. And there are lots of additional factors to consider, eg your health, and long term earning potential and pension.

Take the job, but ask if you can go full time

In most relationships in RL (not MN) the person working part time is 100% responsible for kids and home too. Whereas if you are full time, you can take turns at night/share equally.

I have two friends who had difficult baby/toddler stages who were saved by this set up!

Personally I don't think working part time is the holy grail

I think it sounds like you don't want to take the job, and are trying to justify why you don't. Like you feel you should but really don't want to

I'd also take it. I think both you and your child would ultimately benefit from the different environments and change to routine, to get out of the cycle you're both in. Yes hard at first , but you'd both adjust. In addition they grow up fast, so this is temporary. It's only a couple of days a week.

So yes, I'd take it, but if you don't want to, then don't, because it won't work if your mindset is dead against it.

Toddler sleep help isn’t available from the NHS, but is available privately to those who can afford it. Most people just muddle through and try advice from books or online - hard even when two people are “sharing the pain”, even harder and very unfair when it’s all being done by the mother.

I disagree, peanutbutter. It’s perfectly possible to work PT with a FT WoH partner and share domestics and parenting fairly, if your partner isn’t sexist and selfish.

I totally feel for you. It's virtually impossible to keep your head above water when drowning in sleep deprivation
There's a lot of good suggestions here....
I'm not going to bamboozle you with more but I thought I'd just say that my neice was like this.....investigated by Drs and sleep clinic as waking 10+ times a night EVERY NIGHT. Finally on ranitidine, 5 nights a week sleep through now.......
Whatever you decide , good luck. This won't last forever x

I think you should take the job.
I also think you could benefit from doing a little sleep training as waking every 30 minutes is not ok at that age 😬.
Little kids in a nursery environment adapt and learn and your child will be absolutely fine - I think he'll benefit in fact from some free choice activities that encourage some independence and investigative play.
Are you concerned there are additional issues that are affecting his socialisation??

I think no amount of advice from us is going to change the fact that you don't want to take the job right now.
I really would look into a sleep consultant though.

It sounds like you don’t want to work and are trying to justify why.

Part time jobs that are good are few and far between, I’d take it.

The thing is, it's actually way easier to be at work and tired, than at home with a grumpy toddler and tired. At least, in my experience, it didn't matter how shitty the night had been, once I was at work, that was it.

I don't think you should stay at home because your son doesn't sleep well. Where or when might that end? When he's 4/5/6/7/never??

You sound a bit alarmist about nursery to be honest. They're not full of biting, marauding kids! They're full of kids exactly like your own, and they'll be looked after with kindness.

could you do even less hours? Maybe 15 or just one day a week instead? even if not, I would give the job a try, you can always leave if it's unmanageable

The situation you have now is untenable. You're looking after a grumpy 18mo right now on virtually no sleep. If you take the job you will get a change of scene and physical rest (no baby to carry around). Put him in nursery. Yes, there will be noise and other children but I think you have to give it a shot. Then use your extra income to go to a sleep specialist. See if you can see the one from hospital privately as they'll be familiar with your ds' case.

Think of it this way: what you're doing now isn't working. Trying something else, while you can't see that it'll work, may surprise you. It's surely worth a go?

I also want to know whether your dh is helping you? You absolutely need at least 2 nights uninterrupted sleep a week. It's imperative you take turns looking after your ds. It's just not right that it falls only to you.

Do you know, thinking it over, i agree with those saying work could be really good for you. Once I messed up my opportunity i posted about earlier i made it my focus to be in a position to work. My child loves nursery, I love being in an adult world.

But I simply cannot comprehend functioning on as little sleep as you currently do.

Sorry to suggest things when you have tried so much but one of my DC slept dreadfully for the first year and his Dad and I split the night. I handed over the child as soon as he came home from work, i had a bath or read and was in bed by 8. He was on duty until 1. Then we switched. Both had a solid 5 hours sleep plus whatever naps we managed.

Is that worth trying regardless of your work decision?

I went back to work when my D's was still a bad sleeper. I used a childminder. Yes it was hard but 6 months down the line ds started sleeping and it got easier. There was no magic trick he went from badly sleeping to 13 hours a night.

I decided to just grab the chance to return and it worked out fine.

Its fine not to want to take a job now.
It's fine not to want to put your lo in nursery now.
I think trying to get the sleep problem sorted needs to be a priority, you must be on your knees. Your dh needs to start giving you some nights off now before you break.

If you can out off the start date a little that would be a win. I would take the net loss of paying a nanny I that’s what is needed to get dream job, but you are completely wrong about children at nursery that age solving problems by scratching and biting. My ds’ nursery is the most lovely place, my mil gave his key worker a big hug when she visited us, she was so impressed by what a nice caring place it was. I am so glad to have them , I think they do parenting better than me! I suggest you go visit a couple of nurseries to see how you feel rather than decide they won’t work.
It may be you should try nursery two days and a nanny one day or the other way Around to lower the cost. Or, keep the cost and do nursery a day and a half and a nanny two days or similar and use the extra time for sleeping!

Do everything you can to take the job. It won't necessarily be more tiring to be there than with DS anyway, and it's perfect. Are you currently doing all/most of the night wakings? That balance can change.

I understand your feelings about nursery at this stage. So, investigate other childcare. What about a childminder? A nanny sounds like the ideal option but obviously finances might not allow.

I feel for you here OP, sometimes people who have never been this chronically sleep deprived don’t understand that one of the things it robs you of is the ability to make a decision! It is awful going years without any sleep and I really hope it gets better for you soon.

No, you'd be mad to when you don't want to! If you were anxious/underconfident/ putting yourself last then that could be up for discussion but it sounds like you - who know yourself and your situation best - think there is no way on earth you can do this and don't want to. Do tell them you will be interested in the future though.

I would add that my son does everything better at nursery. He never ate much until I started him etc, he was toilet trained there before he bothered at home etc. It may be introducing another carer/ environment can make a big difference. (Although if there is an underlying medical issue it may not)

Yet another saying take the job. Something has to change. You'd be surprised what a refuge a workplace is in these situations, and your DC situation can only get better. Why don't you both try it for three months. If it doesn't work out, at least you'll know. You can't carry on as you are.

Take the job, and I second those who say to hire a sleep consultant. Whatever you have been doing re DS' sleep clearly isn't working, so you need to involve professionals, even if that means paying for them.