to decide not to return to work?

[30minsleepisnotenough]

Old employers from 2015 have just asked me to come back 2 days a week. They were awesome employers, I know I could do the job well, they want my specific skills, at 20-ish hours a week close to home and school and DH's work, it would be the perfect part-time job; and it could potentially go for many years (1-year rolling contract as funding is awarded for it yearly). We live somewhere where jobs like this don't come up often and I've had great difficulty finding worthwhile work - or indeed any work at all.

However, DS (20 months) is a horrifically bad sleeper, I've been surviving on 30 minutes a couple of times a day, for most of his life. I am so tired I can't balance, can't drive, am barely able to function. I am not sure I can actually cope with working. DS absolutely hates noisy environments full of marauding kids (and 10 weeks of 2 playgroups and music classes overseas recently showed that he doesn't settle over time: he seems to hate the noise more, the longer we persevere). He is inclined to be very "sensitive", crying at the slightest shove or snatch from another kid... indeed crying at the slightest frustration and working himself into a lather to the point of vomiting pretty easily, if not comforted. He's probably chronically and acutely overtired (I know I am).

Everything screams at me that this is NOT the age to start him at nursery, when other kids the same age problem-solve by hitting, biting, snatching, shoving because they're frustrated and insufficiently verbal to negotiate properly. I can't find any childminders that are close enough that I actually like (have found a couple that I definitely don't like much). A nanny would mean I was paying about 100 quid a week to work. No family to help.

Turning this job down is the correct thing to do under these circumstances, yes?

I had to return to work when my Ds was 12 months old, as I’m the biggest earner and financially we couldn’t afford for me not to. He was a terrible sleeper and I’d spent the 12 months of mat leave in a tired haze, I can barely remember it. I was in tears to the HV before I went back as I just didn’t know how I would cope (I work in emergency services and have to make life or death decisions as well as blue light runs). Like some PP have said, once I got to work I just managed (with a lot of coffee at first!). I found that I was recharged by adult conversation and actually feeling like I was good at something again, and it helped with my relationship with Ds and I found I could deal with him better. It took until he was 2 before he started sleeping better and it was extremely difficult for that time, but I’m glad I did it in hindsight.

My son used to hate noise and playgroups (hands over ears when they sang), slept fine but with me and would be very distressed if separated and he started nursery around 2 a few days a week and coped fine - school was another matter. So he may cope, you could always do trial days to see. He would just watch the other kids play. He is very bright but probable Aspergers. Also appears intolerant to lactose.

If you are up to it I would take the job but if not its fine to stay home with him, financially there tends to not be too much difference once you've paid out nursery fees, travel, better clothes and food for work. But keeping your foot in the door can be well worth it and its very difficult to get good quality part-time jobs. After a break you tend to have to take full-time.

It's a difficult one because from what you've said, OP, it seems that your only reason for taking the job would be to ensure you can still be in it in the future when you actually might want to be in it.

It's difficult to predict the future and the risk you'd be taking in not taking the job depends on many factors outside your control (who else gets it, whether they're good, whether the company is even still there in two years, etc).

I know jobs are hard to come by, especially part-time ones that fit around children, but it seems you're only even considering this because your old employer happens to have a vacancy, rather than because you think it's the right thing for your family.

It doesn't sound like you want to take the job at the moment or that you need to financially.

In light of all of this, I wouldn't take the job. However, I would keep in touch with them and stay in contact with your colleagues so they have you at the top of their minds if something comes up at a better time for you in the future.

I see your anxiety, but flexible part time jobs don't come along often. I'd try it.

And if you want an altruistic reason not to take it, I'm sure there will be loads of parents who desperately need the money and who'd jump at the chance to return to work and at least break even every month, so your sitting this one out isn't a terrible thing to do at all!

I've recently finished working FT, sometimes 45 hours a week and have 2 dc (2 and 7). I have now started to wonder how I'll cope working FT again as running the house now takes up so much of my time

What I'm saying is take the job, you will survive, lots do, and it will probably be good for you and your ds.

I know you must feel too tired to make big changes, but that is why you really have to change things.

Paying £100 per week over your wages for a nanny seems like money well spent to me. Find one with experience of sorting out horrendous sleepers, and get them to fix daytime naps. (Rather than needing to tire them out during the day, maybe what they need is more sleep and to break sleep associations)

Or find a nursery you are happy with - my DC go to a nursery with small classes and they completely fixed both of their inability to nap within days of starting.

On days you are at work, go to bed at 8 and get your DH to do the 8 - 1am shift. Or vice versa.

Another benefit of nursery is a second opinion if you continue to have developmental concerns. My nursery were great when I had worries about my first DC.

You will be glad you did it in a few months. But if you aren't you can always quit.

Nurseries don't have 10:1 ratios for one year olds. Maybe look at one before deciding?

I would take the job.

But my god I'd be throwing any money there is on sorting his sleep - what you've described is impossible to cope with - you can't live like that!

It sounds like the perfect job, I’d take it but you really don’t sound like you want to. Don’t put yourself under pressure if you don’t want to, there’ll be other opportunities, maybe not the same job but you’ll find your way when the time is right

Another for take the job. I think it will do both of you good.

I’ve been there with the sleep, with the absolutely terrible sleeper who refuses to respond to any advice from books or well meaning friends. I had to go back to work and I actually felt less tired once I started back. I was terrified of how exhausted I would feel but it was actually easier than being at home.

Nursery helped DS a lot too, he would sleep well in the day there which he rarely did at home, which meant that he was happier overall even if the nights were still bad.

What have you got to lose by giving it a go? If you are too exhausted after a few months and your DS hasn’t settled in Nursery then at least you’ve tried, rather than wondering ‘what if’ a few years down the line.

You're no tired, you're sleep deprived and if people haven't experienced true sleep deprivation as opposed to exhaustion they won't know that it's a struggle to function and to think. At my worst point of sleep deprivation I couldn't count and my job involves counting. Could you pay to see a private GP etc to start sorting the sleep if there are things that can be done which the NHS won't pay for? Do you have to give a decision on the job now? If you can get some sleep so you're just exhausted and not sleep deprived it will be easier to make a decision. Good luck

I would have loved it if I'd been offered this sort of deal by my pre-kids employer at that stage.

As it was it took ages (was SAHM 7 years) to find a job and my current salary is still lower than the previous job from 15 yrs ago.

Your ds sounds very much like my ds at that age. I lost alot of weight as did DH, we were continuously getting sick as our immune systems were so low due to being sleep deprived. I really understand when you say you cant drive. I put my ds into nursery for half a day every day and it's made such a difference. Hes actually tired enough that he now falls asleep like clockwork and sleeps through. He is stimulated and has had an active day. He was also such a clingy baby I just couldn't handle it. Things have improved so much.
Mind you, he cried for 3 weeks straight at nursery until he settled. But now he wakes up on a saturday and asks to go to school.
We also did the sleep training, allergy testing etc.

This is a hard choice sounds like the perfect job but regardless to how baby is do you feel ready to go back to work? Do you think leaving will help your mental state giving you some adult time and other purpose other than being a mummy? Would you regret turning the job down? If you think yes to all of them take the job the rest you can figure out. If you think no and can afford to stay at home stay at home another job will come in time. Im dreading returning to work so much so my husband is avidly looking for another better paid iob so i can stay home at least part time and i absolutely love my job just cant bare the thought of missing out on my daughters life

I think everyone saying take the job is secretly jealous (I know I am) of you being able to stay at home full time.
I wouldn't bother with with tbh.

I would take the job absolutely - for my own sanity more than anything else.

I went back part time when DTs were 1 and their sleep was absolute shit at the time, up most of night and it went on for months but it gave me a break from then dealing with them all the next day too.

Ultimately though, if you don't want to you don't have to justify it!

On the one hand it seems like the perfect opportunity job wise and a bit of time away from your son might do you both good. He may also sleep better at night if he is at nursery all day. Returning to a job you know is always a plus when you have been away for a bit and it will also open doors in the future. It's a shame you can't ask them to put it on hold and offer in 3 years as it sounds like the perfect job to fit around school hours!

However, you sounds like this isn't a great time and you don't need to work so it is really your choice.

Also, are you planning on having anymore children? How would that fit into things?

Try it. Life might just improve massively.

I had to return to work when my non-sleeping DS was 11 months old. He wasn't as bad as yours but I generally got three hours a night. My job is another gold dust one though, three days a week 9/5:30, I like the work and the people. I couldn't not do it.

It's been tough, but honestly I love my work days. DS sleep has been a problem but work feels like a rest to be honest. Nursery is in no way 10:1, that's nonsense. It's 3:1 and my nursery is often less than that because a lot of kids do half days or shorter days than my DS.

I would take the job, no question. He won't be a terrible sleeper forever.

Take the job. What you describe is just normal, plenty of kids are like that, the nursery may be even able to get your kid in a routine and make him less sensitive to noises, which will result in more sleep for you as well. You may even find those 2 days are work are far more relaxing than being at home.

It is just two days, it is not like you are abandoning him for months to go in a space mission. You can leave the job and remove baby from the nursery if things do not work. Simples.

Haha @Adviceplease360 I literally can't think of anything worse than staying home all day with a whingey toddler; definitely not jealous!

Take it (mum of 5, one sn perspective)

• he will either sleep better or you will adapt. I took assembly where I’d forget the Lord’s Prayer or what day it was at first. Now I function fine on 2 hour slots here and there.

• jobs aren’t easy to find

• it’s mentally easier to have you time, to get away and do something different. Even if it’s hard, the change helps

• if he will be hard to settle then 2 days is a good start. Before school or longer hours, build up slowly (unless you plan to Home ed). He may well adapt better without you present

Yeah..I second posters saying take the job!

You need a break! My DS was a very bad sleeper too and I went back when he was 9 months old..very flexible employer thank God as I didn't deliver that much for the first year...Some days were hard, surviving on just coffee BUT DS started gradually sleeping better and at over 2 now sleeps through most nights..at 1.5 he was awake every 2hrs..I think the job gave me some sanity back and an actual break..

Your DS will adjust to a nursery..Ratios are 1:3 for under 2s and 1:4 for over 2s..