AWBU to get married in secret?

[ShhhhhItsASecretWedding]

DP and I have been together 4 happy years, and currently no children, both in our 30's. We both have good jobs which we enjoy (mostly!), and live in our chosen area in our own little home.

We are both very close to our families - to include parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and so on.... we both have large families.
We've been engaged for a couple of years, but have been put off getting married as we just don't want the fuss! We really really don't. We want the marriage, not the wedding.

AWBU to get married in a registry office on a random day, just with a couple of friends as witnesses, or possibly siblings, and no one else? If we did it this way, we wouldn't be doing the whole party thing after etc, it's just not our preference.

Has anyone got experience of this? We are worried about our family's reaction, as they all had big weddings and the world and his wife came to each one. The guilt we are feeling is huge over this, and it's worrying us into not booking anything at all.

I think it's an excellent idea and wish I'd done it. There might be some feet stamping but they'll get over it.

My daughter and husband did this. Delighted for them and secretly pleased they didnt throw thousands of pounds down the drain in doing so.

I wish we were doing this, but we got guilt tripped into a bigger affair. DP's mum sobbed and sobbed when we told her our plans to go to Gretna and I couldn't deal with the guilt...

6 people were at my wedding.
Dh and me, 2 witnesses, registrar and person doing the paperwork.

It was perfect.

Who else needs to be there?

Friends who have done this. Just sent out a note afterwards. Don’t remember any grumbling from relatives.

Out of my family of four, three had the full on big dos and one brother had v quiet reg office and lunch afterwards for close family, just ten people. It was lovely. Again no grumbles.

We had a very small wedding, MIL, my DB & my DH's friend came to the registry office to witness the ceremony and my parents then joined us for a lunch. My other sibling was abroad & my DH didn't invite his siblings. It was just what we wanted, no one said (to our faces anyway!) that they were offended that we didn't have a big wedding.

We enjoyed it, we didn't want the fuss or expense of a big occasion but we wanted to be married. No regrets, married over 30 years now.

But only you know the dynamics of your own family, my family are not particularly big into 'occasions' & I would be delighted if my own DS eloped or got married very quietly- in fact I have a horror of being expected to be the 'mother of the groom' at some great big fancy wedding!.

I love the idea but what you suggest isn't "in secret" if you are thinking of having friends as witnesses and possibly siblings. Would you really have siblings but not parents? That would surely cause bad feelings.

I think if people really want to do something with no fuss whatsoever then you really do go off in secret - maybe even during a holiday abroad - use two random people as witnesses so that NO ONE in the family or close friends can actually feel left out in the sense that EVERYONE was left out.

If that’s what you want, it’s completely up to you. But if you have good relationships with your family you will need to accept many will be upset not to be there. I also have a big, close family and can’t imagine not celebrating with them. There is a middle ground between ‘doing it alone in secret’ and ‘massive wedding everyone comes to’ - couldn’t you have the very closest people at a registry office and then just a pub after or something? Doesn’t need a big fuss.

Secodning Kirsten in that a couple I know in their late 50s had both been married twice before. One day, a few of us were invited to a party in the summer and luckily the weather was gorgeous and we were in their garden, lovely food and they casually announced that this was their reception as the day before they'd been to the registrar's office and got married. Was great.

We did it with just 1 friend each as witnesses and told people afterwards. Except I let it slip to my work colleagues who turned up outside the registry office afterwards, the bastards. And another friend of a friend who also showed up, took a load of pictures and posted them to Facebook before we’d even told anybody. Bastard. Apart from that it was just right for us. Minimal fuss and expense so I’d totally recommend it, just really, don’t tell a single extra person at all!
My sis was pretty pissed off with me when she found out but offset that by the stress avoided by not having a wedding it was well worth it.

It's fine to do what's best for you as a couple

We did this. The only people who knew were our parents who were witnesses. We got married in a registry office, had some fab pics taken, went for lunch then straight to the airport for our honeymoon.

It was perfect and 6 years later I don't regret a thing. I've been really surprised by the amount of people who have told me they wish they'd done it that way instead of the huge , stressful even they ended up having.

Go for it

Do it!

Obviously do what you want but be prepared that it may upset family members. If you're cool with that then crack on.

I think a tiny wedding is completely reasonable - but if you’re close to your family surely have both sets of parents there? My mother would be devastated if one of us got married without her

If it's REALLY what you want, then do it. But if you value your close relationship with your family, I personally wouldn't.

Why don't you have a 'party' and then spring a surprise wedding on them? That way they are invited, but it's less fuss. You could always tell them a day or two before what it actually is, to make sure they're not late etc.

This is exactly what I want. I dont want to get into debt for the sake of one day.

It is your choice. I do think though there's a difference between "we don't want a big wedding" and not inviting your parents though unless you're absolutely 100% sure they will be ok with that (you know your family dynamics). Even more so if you plan to invite siblings to be witnesses.

My uncle's wedding was just the couple and two friends as witnesses and they told the family it was happening beforehand. My grandmother asked if she could attend, was told no and was immensely hurt. She'd had other children get married by that point and she wasn't a big personality making it all about her, she just wanted to be there for an important moment in her child's life. I don't think the couple realise how she felt because she didn't say anything to them, but my mother was the one comforting her on the day.

I did it and my brother did it.My sister has a civil partnership that she told family about but a few month later had a Hugh party in the village hall and announced it then.
Mine was just us and my mum and step dad and in-laws.We invited them to introduce them,told them to bring nice clothes as we were going to a smart restaurant and only told them on the morning we got married.

We did it, no party afterwards either. We both had been married before though. I have a feeling my daughter is going to do the same thing and I am more than happy for her to do it, it's her and her partner's day, no-one else's.

I worked with a lovely girl a few years ago who went and got married one lunchtime. They asked random people off the street to be witnesses.
She literally got changed at the office, got a cab to the registry office, got married and went out for a posh dinner with her DH that night.
She had a lot of family and organising a wedding was getting complicated so they just decided to do their own thing! We had a massive wedding and it was really stressful, but wonderful in the end. I have to admit I was envious of hers for its simplicity but I don't think I'd ever have been brave enough to do that as risk the eternal wrath of my Mother 😂

We did it 2 years ago. We went to Mexico and paid someone to organise everything including witnesses. Total cost (excluding the holiday) was less than £500.
Told families when we got back, everyone was happy for us. Weddings are a pain and an expense for everyone.

My sister got married at the registry office and didn't tell any of us in the family for a whole year. We don't all live in the same country. She told me that it was a bit of a spur of the moment decision and "could have been a big mistake" so didn't tell anyone. 17 years later and 3 kids they are still together. It was a surprise when we got told, but no one was upset.

Not U at all! My DH and I had a small wedding with immediate family only (26 in total, as opposed to the 120 we originally planned)
We had a small wedding due to finances; suddenly finding out our house needed re-wiring (4 months before wedding) and also buying a second car 5 months before wedding (due to DH having a bike accident on his way to work, broken leg in two places, operation, etc, so he needed to drive to work once he recovered)

But I wouldn’t have changed a thing. The wedding day was actually lerfect with the family who were there. I did message a few of my aunties and cousins to explain the situation. They all understood and said they looked forward to seeing photos of the day. I supposed it depends on whether you have an understanding family or not.

Good luck and best wishes for your secret wedding

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