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AIBU?

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Original poster

AWBU to get married in secret?

115 replies

ShhhhhItsASecretWedding · 05/07/2018 09:01

DP and I have been together 4 happy years, and currently no children, both in our 30's. We both have good jobs which we enjoy (mostly!), and live in our chosen area in our own little home.

We are both very close to our families - to include parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and so on.... we both have large families.
We've been engaged for a couple of years, but have been put off getting married as we just don't want the fuss! We really really don't. We want the marriage, not the wedding.

AWBU to get married in a registry office on a random day, just with a couple of friends as witnesses, or possibly siblings, and no one else? If we did it this way, we wouldn't be doing the whole party thing after etc, it's just not our preference.

Has anyone got experience of this? We are worried about our family's reaction, as they all had big weddings and the world and his wife came to each one. The guilt we are feeling is huge over this, and it's worrying us into not booking anything at all.

OP posts:
AtomicGlitterBomb · 05/07/2018 10:00

My brother and SIL got married abroad alone. They didn’t want a wedding so told us all that they were going to get married on a holiday, my parents were disappointed they wouldn’t be there but they accepted it because it’s what they wanted, as did the rest of us.
I know SILs sister was very upset for a while (they are very close) but she got over it eventually.
I think there would have been more upset if they’d kept their plan a secret and then just told everybody after doing it.

A friend of mine went to a registry office with just their parents, sibblings (one on his side two on hers and her BIL) and their 4 nieces and nephews.
They didn’t have any kind of party, nobody was suited and booted, she didn’t wear a gown everyone just dressed up a little bit they all went to the RO as a group, got married and then all went for lunch together and then went home.

CMOTDibbler · 05/07/2018 10:01

YANBU - but I would say that I think that either it's secret with random (or MN !) witnesses, or you have to have your parents/siblings there - having friends or a couple of siblings there is bound to cause upset

Flump9 · 05/07/2018 10:03

We did this last year, we weren't going to tell anyone but couldn't think of anyone who could be witnesses in the week so ended up just asking a couple of family members but then other family members did end up getting upset about it. We had the smallest ceremony you can get in UK, basically in an office and were strictly only allowed 2 witnesses. So I think asking your siblings would end up upsetting other family members. If you have 2 friends you could ask who don't know your family that might be better. My DHs friends noticed he was wearing a ring eventually so they found out, none of my friends or extended family know we are married (been together 20+ years)

Sleephead1 · 05/07/2018 10:04

we did it but with parents only and my grandma came. We then had a meal afterwards and then told people. Neither of us like being the centre of attention and we had been together 10 years and already had my little boy. I would never have got married without my parents being with us. It was lovley and perfect for us obviously some people where shocked but mostly everyone was fine about it.

nightwispa · 05/07/2018 10:09

I wish we'd had the guts to do it (both our families were nightmares to deal with) but we got sucked into giving everyone a wedding.

Your families might not be as bad as ours but do what suits you and your other half anyway- it's the marriage that counts, not the wedding day itself.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/07/2018 10:11

It’s upto you but if you are close to your family I’d opt for a small wedding with them there. Book register office and maybe a table at a pub/restaurant after or afternoon tea. Then say we don’t want a lot of fuss/expense but would love if you could join us. If the date is only a few weeks away it will stop things escalating. I didn’t have a big expensive wedding in fact we nearly married alone on holiday year before on spur of moment but looking back (16 years later) I’m glad family who have now died like my dad and grandma were there.

sillyswimmer · 05/07/2018 10:48

We want to do the same thing. Both of us have lost our Dads. DP doesn't get on with his Mum and my Mom has dementia. Neither of us are close to the rest of our families. We plan to marry in secret and go on a decent holiday.

I know it's not possible for us to just have a small family wedding without arguments (if X is invited you need to invited A, B, C, etc) so I might as well upset everyone and not invite anyone.

Confusedbeetle · 05/07/2018 10:53

You should of course have the wedding you want and the small idea is wonderful. I wish more people did it. However to exclude Mum and Dad is so hurtful and unnecessary. I know two women who were totally heartbroken about not seeing the ceremony. Not the fuss, the party, just the real wedding. I think sometimes you forget when you have brought up children how much love and emotion is in this simple act. Dont be cruel, have a tiny wedding with parents. They have always been there. You will be surprised how many besties are not 5 years later

Bluelady · 05/07/2018 11:00

It's such a good idea. I do agree with pp who say if you have friends or siblings as witnesses you'll put noses out of joint. Two random witnesses will offend nobody.

User467 · 05/07/2018 11:14

I think it depends on your relationship with your family. A know a couple who did this and it really upset their families. They are all really close and the parents and siblings felt really hurt that they weren't even told. At the end of the day it's your wedding and you should do what you like but unless there are reasons not to tell your family (and I mean immediate family) I think you risk hurting people which is certainly not what I would have wanted my wedding to do

VikingBlonde · 05/07/2018 11:16

I think it's a lovely idea. You can have a party another time if everyone feels put out. My pal was a random witness off the street for a registry office wedding and she was thrilled by it. Another pal is planning to go with her and her DP only (they have huge family and 3 DCs of their own but just don't want the drama!!). I wish I'd done that. My wedding was a complete fairground by the end of it. super stressful and really expensive. Go for it I say!

LovelyBath77 · 05/07/2018 11:17

We did this! We were together years and lived together with 2 DC. Just booked at registry office in Devon who would provide witnesses (office staff). It cost about £50. We then went for a nice weekend nearby we didn't invite anyone as thought better just to do alone.

LovelyBath77 · 05/07/2018 11:17

Some registry offices will provide witnesses others not, it's worth asking.

LovelyBath77 · 05/07/2018 11:19

The funny thing is the office workers were in our photo, we got some others though! were too polite to say anything!

BrandNewHouse · 05/07/2018 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Domino211 · 05/07/2018 11:23

I would consider having your parents there. My sister did this very recently and much as my parents are trying to be happy and congratulatory they are devastated they weren’t there or knew anything about it (my sisters was planned a few months before....).

HildaZelda · 05/07/2018 11:24

Absolutely do it. I wish I had.

mydogishot · 05/07/2018 11:33

Just wanted to add, I've made it very clear to my kids that their wedding their choice. Although, I'd rather give them a good house deposit than pay a ridiculous amount for a wedding!

Fintress · 05/07/2018 11:35

I agree it is very mean to exclude loving parents.

I'm a loving parent and while I would love to see my daughter on her wedding day, she's my only child, her happiness is far more important to me. She has told me she doesn't want a wedding and I fully support her in however or wherever she wishes to get married.

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 05/07/2018 11:38

We did it! Just me DH and DS who was 3. No regrets 22 years on.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2018 11:39

Would it be too big to have a registry office for close family and friends and a meal after?

So no reception, no party, no official photos etc.

Whether it's right or wrong I would have been hurt if my DC had excluded me from their wedding.

QueenOfMyWorld · 05/07/2018 11:41

You could do it in secret then maybe hire a fuction room or whatever under false pretences then tell everyone it's your wedding do

Wuss2018 · 05/07/2018 11:43

We did this and we felt like it was us against the world and we could do what we wanted as it was our day. You need to be prepared for the gib you will get after from
Some family members who feel
Hard done by, but those that know you will expect nothing less than the way you did it. We did have a party after- we told everyone it was a christening party for the kids and then turned up in our wedding outfits.

TuckMyWin · 05/07/2018 11:43

This would probably have been our ideal, but my Mum would have been too upset. We compromised on a barbeque at a local hotel for immediate family and friends only, and got married a couple of weeks before that at a registry office with only parents there.

MidnightAura · 05/07/2018 11:43

Do it!

I kinda wish I had done this once family members started getting involved and demanding various things that lead to a falling out that still is on going.

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