AWBU to get married in secret?

[ShhhhhItsASecretWedding]

DP and I have been together 4 happy years, and currently no children, both in our 30's. We both have good jobs which we enjoy (mostly!), and live in our chosen area in our own little home.

We are both very close to our families - to include parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and so on.... we both have large families.
We've been engaged for a couple of years, but have been put off getting married as we just don't want the fuss! We really really don't. We want the marriage, not the wedding.

AWBU to get married in a registry office on a random day, just with a couple of friends as witnesses, or possibly siblings, and no one else? If we did it this way, we wouldn't be doing the whole party thing after etc, it's just not our preference.

Has anyone got experience of this? We are worried about our family's reaction, as they all had big weddings and the world and his wife came to each one. The guilt we are feeling is huge over this, and it's worrying us into not booking anything at all.

We did it. We went up to a cottage on the Monday, got married outside on the Tuesday and the photographer and piper were witnesses. Came home and told everyone and my mum and his Mum were a bit deflated but it was a done deal. We had a family meal out rather than reception as that’s not our scene. We have been together for almost 11 yea s and engaged for 10.

We did this. Just us and three friends. We took pictures and went to dinner afterwards. It was a nice relaxing day. We told people afterwards. My dad was happy for us, he had married my mum in secret 40 years before and had told their parents afterwards. My IL were angry and hurt, they felt snubbed and left out and would have preferred a big family shebang. After 2 or 3 weeks they behaved normal towards us again. They concluded that we're just weird .

Every time I see a thread about wedding problems, or financial difficulties I feel greatful that we could do it our way. We spent the money on other things and are happy with our decision. I feel that nowadays the pressure is too great to spend a lot of money on the wedding instead of starting a life together.

My SIL had the big expensive wedding with the poofy dress etc. They blew all their money, which meant years of no holidays and no house buying. They divorced after a couple of years and now she wishes she had gotten on the property ladder.

We did this. Family were fine about it and understood that we didn't want any fuss.

You don't have to have a fuss whatsoever but to not tell your parents or invite them to the registry office is awful. It's two extra people as the other two can be witnesses.

I'd be gutted if my children didn't want me at their ceremony.

Doesn’t sound like a secret wedding if you start inviting people!

Going by what you’ve written in your post- ie close to family, not wanting fuss and that you didn’t mention any anxiety over big social occasions. I’d probably invite parents, siblings and partners, and nieces/nephews to a registry office. Then have a meal in a restaurant.
You get to have a family celebration but on your own terms - so way smaller, not extravagant, not fussy, not at a hiked up cost. (Just like a birthday meal)

Only you know the 2 families and whether or not you and your DP want minimal fuss of a meal versus no fuss and potential family rifts. Everyone else’s experience doesn’t really count unfortunately!

My DD did this. I wasn't told until afterwards.
I was delighted for them.
now I just hope she can persuade her sibling to do the same thing

You can do it fuss free but if you're close to your family surely you can parents there at register office too? They just need to be present.

Its your wedding and your choice. But parents want to be a part of your big day, it would be sad to deny them that.

(i say that as the mother of a mere 12 week old DD whose every milestone ill be present for and i would hope that if she decided to get married that i can be there to witness and cry like a baby and if course tell her partner id skin them if theu ever hurt her )

We did it 2 weeks ago and DH hasn't yet told his mother or siblings. We told his 3 DDs at the weekend, and they were fine with it. We'd cancelled our previous date (long story), scheduled 2 weeks prior where we'd invited immediate family and a handful of close friends, so really didn't want to re-invite everyone when they'd gone through cancelling hotel bookings etc 2 weeks previously!

He does need to crack on and tell them though but it won't go down well with his DM; my family were fine and happy to not have the fuss.

It's a bit sad that weddings have swung so far from joining two families together to be completely selfish things that are only about the bride and groom

YANBU.

I did this many many years ago. Wanted to be married to DH, wasn't fussed about a wedding.

Could you invite just parents and siblings for a RO ceremony followed by lunch or tea in a local restaurant to follow? You really wouldn’t need to bother with any of the other ‘wedding’ stuff if you don’t want to.

We did this but went a step further and haven't told anyone in 5 years. We both see marriage as akin to a will eg a legal and financial arrangement between two people and you don't generally tell others about that so ...

Disclaimer - we're not religious, nor the party type , and neither of us have much family

Oh and should add both divorced so family got to 'do' the wedding the first time!

It probably will cause bad feeling if you invite friends/siblings to witness. Talking from experience.

It's your marriage, do it how you want to. You don't have to have the big fuss and don't feel guilty about doing it your way....and you won't be wasting huge amounts of money either.
My cousin did this years ago, it was right for them and they have remained happily married ever since. I wish I had done this for my wedding but was 'guilt tripped' by my mother into having all her relatives, hundreds of them. And it all ended in divorce eventually anyway......

I personally had a massive wedding (200+ guests) but there’s no way that’s everyones cup of tea!

Absolutely nothing wrong with a small and private wedding if that’s what suits the two of you best. I have a crafty side business and am having a stall at a wedding fair aimed for eloping couples in September, maybe if you’re unsure you could attend something like this to give you some understanding of options out there and ways to break it to family if they’re the sort to go mad etc etc. Feel free to message me and I can pass you the details for this specific fair if you’re nearby (High Wycombe)?

I guess it depends on perspective, my wedding was never about our families coming together. I can say with full confidence neither side feel that way.

My wedding was about me and my DH. Had it been up to his family we would have had 100+ guests from their side alone. They were very forceful about what they had in mind for our wedding day. I believe the phrase was “we want a big family party”

Which is fine. But we didn’t. We didn’t want extended family we hadn’t seen in years or never even met and we made that very clear but they ignored us. And yes we were paying for it ourselves.

We ended up with 24 guests. DH’s family refused to attend because they couldn’t accept we wanted a small wedding. We haven’t spoke since.

I did this.

We did this. Random weekday with 2 friends as witnesses, folllowed by a pub lunch. We then went on holiday (booked before we had even thought about getting married and with ds so can’t call it a honeymoon!) and told everyone when we got back. Everyone was pleased for us, no one kicked off. My dad was a tiny bit upset he never got to walk his only daughter down the aisle but he got over it.

The reasons we did it were 1. Money, we wanted to get married but couldn't afford, and couldn’t justify spending on a big do, and 2. Both our sets of parents are divorced and remarried and having everyone in the same room would have been drama I wasn’t prepared to cope with. Especially MIL who is the worlds biggest drama queen and makes everything about her.

No regrets whatsoever!

Not at all unreasonable.
If you get on with both sides, you could invite nearest people to lunch and let them witness. As others have said, once you mention it, you may get grief about it.

I wouldn't be heartbroken if my DS excluded me from his wedding, in fact I would be proud that I had bought up someone to be independent, to have the confidence to have the wedding that he and his partner wanted.

But then I think most weddings seem to be a huge waste of money and one in three end in divorce anyway ..............

My sister did this and my mum was really upset. And my mum is as pragmatic as they come. Can you compromise with just your very closest and no event/fuss? Otherwise you may be pressured into having a party afterwards.

We did this back in 1992 when I was newly pregnant with what turned out to be DS1. At that point we had been together for 11 years. Booked a hotel bargain break at a seaside hotel, got 2 witnesses ( lovely girls) from the housing office next to the registrars and got married.
Some people were surprised but no one was put out and some people assumed we had been married for years.

We did this! I invited my cousin and my husband invited his best friend. I think my parents were disappointed that they weren't there, but understood that we didn't want the fuss/cost of a big wedding. They organised a family lunch for us afterwards (which my mum organised her own way with a cake/favours/speeches which we'd asked her not to do) but it meant she was satisfied that our marriage had been "marked" in some way :)

Since then, my brother and sister have both got married "properly" and, while both their days were absolutely lovely, I can't believe the cost of it! There are a hundred better things I can think of to spend £800 on than flowers!

At the end of the day, it's your wedding so you should give your own feelings priority I think!

20 years ago, I did almost exactly this. We were in Sydney, as my then fiancé was on a post doctoral exchange from the UK. We decided to go for it, precisely to avoid all the huge fuss and family drama. Both sets of parents were fine - I think we dealt with a lot of potential clashes by doing it like this.

Twenty years later, we’ve come back and had dinner last night where we honeymooned. I’ve never regretted doing it this way!