AWBU to get married in secret?

[ShhhhhItsASecretWedding]

DP and I have been together 4 happy years, and currently no children, both in our 30's. We both have good jobs which we enjoy (mostly!), and live in our chosen area in our own little home.

We are both very close to our families - to include parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and so on.... we both have large families.
We've been engaged for a couple of years, but have been put off getting married as we just don't want the fuss! We really really don't. We want the marriage, not the wedding.

AWBU to get married in a registry office on a random day, just with a couple of friends as witnesses, or possibly siblings, and no one else? If we did it this way, we wouldn't be doing the whole party thing after etc, it's just not our preference.

Has anyone got experience of this? We are worried about our family's reaction, as they all had big weddings and the world and his wife came to each one. The guilt we are feeling is huge over this, and it's worrying us into not booking anything at all.

"to exclude Mum and Dad is so hurtful and unnecessary". Please don't blindly assume that everyone is lucky enough to have normal parents who care and are interested. I excluded my parents because my mother is mentally unstable and, at the time, was being a viciously insulting alcoholic. My father's interest in my getting married extended to putting a cheque through the door. I was in, he didn't even ring the bell. So what we originally intended to be simply a small wedding became a just us, our children and the legally required two witnesses at the registry office. It's what we wanted and it did us fine. No huge expense and no massive fuss primarily because nobody was interested.

It's a double edged sword, op. You'll get the no fuss you want but you may also get some really upset relatives. Think very hard about who you have as your witnesses but stick to your guns and have the marriage you want. If I could do it again with anonymous witnesses and just tell nobody that's what I'd do.

If you have a good relationship with your parents, I think having both sets there is probably the best compromise, but nobody else. One of the nicest weddings I've been to was parents, siblings and one friend each- there were about 16 of us who have a nice lunch after and it was lovely, all planned at c short notice. But one set of parents did get a bit upset about aspects of it.

That’s my dream wedding! Honesty, if you think you can do it without serious fall out just do it. My mum would never have spoken to me again. She told me this with no reservation that she would disinherit me and never speak to me if I got married without her there. I think it’s very unfair as it’s my life not hers.

I hated getting married. Literally hated it. Wasn’t my scene at all. I wanted to marry my partner but without all of the crap that goes with it. But it is impossible. At every turn you face pissing someone off or pressure to do stuff another way / ideally following the same formula everyone else does. I had a relatively small wedding with 40 guests. Looking back on the day it was a great day but I can’t say I really enjoyed it at the time.

My best friend did this, sent to Gretna and didn't tell anyone. Twenty years later and it still causes problems in the family. She massively regrets it.

Maybe just invite parents as witnesses

We were also tempted, but my parents would have been heartbroken.
I think a "party" where you turn up and announce you've got married is the best bet (and let your parents in on the secret and come with you to actually get married).

You are not being unreasonable! This is what me and my fiancé are doing next month. It caused my sister to have a hissy fit and call me vindictive but it's our day, not theirs

YANBU! Your wedding your choice, we went abroad for ours. Got a wedding package that we were happy with and had a fantastic holiday along with it. We then invited everyone that we wanted to attend where and when we were getting married and told them to sort themselves out. It was brilliant because we knew that it was only people who actually wanted to be there who came as they had to pay for the holiday etc.

We did this. Total guestlist was 12 people including DH and me and our 2 DCs. Parents and siblings only, and it was the most wonderful, perfect day ever. I went to 4 weddings that year, all with over 100 guests and at every single one the bride looked tired, stressed and a bit glazed over at the enormity of it all. We had none of that, it was a breeze to arrange and cost just under £1200 including my dress/DH shit.

SUIT. DH's suit. Not his shit....

My mum and stepdad have been married for 24 years and my grandparents still don't know.

I wish I’d done this x

When I got married, we had parents, siblings and our son. That was it. So 11 people all in all. Very simple register office do. Some people moaned they weren’t invited but we did celebrate later with more people but had we chosen not to, it would’ve been our choice but understand some people would’ve been narked. I say go for it.

I don't see as anyone could be annoyed, apart from your parents, I wouldn't do it without them if you don't want to upset anyone.

We did this last year. We had our mums as witnesses, neither being particularly close to our dads (and my dad had planned the same thing for a few weeks after ours so couldn’t complain).

We did end up telling everyone a few days before the ceremony. My family were fine and accepting (I have a huge and complicated family, which has seen many weddings) but my DH’s family were not happy and it has caused long-lasting bitterness and I do feel guilty.

I wish now we had done it a little differently, while still being low-key.

My Aunty and uncle did it (in their 40s, have been together since their teens), and told family after. It was fine.

We had only witnesses at the registry office legal bit, which was great. But the next day had our actual (but not legal, as we wanted a friend to marry us outside) wedding where we exchanged vows and had a huge party, and that was great too. I think the reason both were great is we did it all absolutely on our own terms and in a way that felt right to us.

I think go for it.

We did quiet, we invited parents, siblings and partners. DH has no siblings so invited 3 friends. We did the registry office, pub across the road for some food and then home to ours for some champagne. Everyone was gone by 7pm which was the kids bedtime. We had a lovely day surrounded by the people who mattered to us.

I agree with PPs, either have a very small wedding with immediate family or keep it secret from everyone and have two random witnesses. I think your family would be extremely hurt if they found out your friends got to see you get married but not them. Or unfair on siblings if they were invited to be witnesses and expected to keep secrets from the parents.

I would be upset if I didn't see my DX get married, not bothered about it being a wedding. It is your choice though, I wouldn't fall out with my DC over it just sad not to celebrate such a huge thing as getting married with them.

This is exactly what we did. Just me, DH and a friend each, midweek registry office and then out for a champagne brunch afterwards. It was perfect.

We did this. We started off planning to have two random witmesses, but didn't want to upset family so we ended up inviting 10 people (parents, siblings and one friend each).

We all went to the RO, had a meal at a restaurant after, and that was that. I loved it, and wouldn't change a thing.

We went to Mexico, just the two of us, it wasn’t a secret & don’t think MIL was very impressed but nobody said anything to me & it was tons better than the big do I had for my first wedding.

Our son did it (both second marriages) everyone was happy for them.

Enjoy your day - your wedding day is one you want to remember fondly, sadly not all big family weddings will do that.

DP and I are doing this next year! Registry office statutory ceremony with just 2 friends as witnesses. Then a very small party (around 40 people with just friends, our parents and siblings) a few days later. If you don't want to invite parents then don't feel you have to, I know a lot of people will say how hurt your parents may be but not everyone has an easy relationship with their family. Mine and DPs parents are the kind that would take over and insist certain people were invited, leading to more drama than it's worth. Do what works best for you, although I would probably just stick to friends not siblings. I wanted my 2 siblings there but knew that if I invited them and not my parents it would cause too many arguments.

Do it, sounds like my ideal wedding.

All the parents on here saying its mean or that they would be upset..I'm sorry but it's really not got anything to do with you and just emphasises the problems with weddings - too much interference and opinions from other people.

Just the two of you with random witnesses ..then you aren't offending /favouring any friends or family.