That DS should now work & help to pay his way?

[Anwen24]

DS, just finished uni, is at home and anxious about his future. I'm doing all I can to help. He's telling us that he's bored at home, doesn't like living in the town, wants to go back to uni town asap - where, in fact, he's committed to another houseshare for next year. OK - up to a point I get it but he's insensitive in the way he says it.

I've let him let the dust settle but now I'm asking him to please get a job while he's here.

He gets annoyed when I ask. Has barely worked in the past but now it's very serious. I'm guarantor again for the new place - paid a deposit - and now have to pay summer rent. That and everything else. As soon as his loan has run out in the past, we've had to step in. Even funded a holiday on the promise of being paid back. No very obvious sign of that.

We've no doubt been far too ready to help our financially and no doubt we still are. But I'd meet him half-way if only he'd get a job. He's prevaricating like mad and it hurts like hell.

I have a f-t and a p-t job just to make ends meet. DH work hard and another DS is working (and feels rather resentful towards his brother). I'm seriously having to think about an additional weekend job for myself.

He gets annoyed when I broach the subject and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He also has a big bank o/d and that needs servicing. He doesn't grasp just how important it is to be financially responsible or how tight things are for us.

What can I do? He's a loving boy but on this subject he's very, very difficult to get through to.

You need to let him stand on his own feet.
Why did you agree to be guarentor for another year when he doesn’t have a job?
No wonder his brother feels resentful
Stop giving him money and feeding him until he pays his way

It's difficult to give advice without knowing why he can't/won't get a job. You said that he gets annoyed when you mention it but has he said why he doesn't want to get a job?

If he has a flat share lined up in uni town, why isn't he there and job hunting?

Stop providing for him! Call the landlord of the other place and ask to cancel his tenancy. Stop giving him any cash; dinner; laundry or cleaning.

You're making it sound like him getting work is optional, it's not. He's an adult now, with a degree and he needs to start paying for himself.
Tell him that your no longer prepared to support him (& mean it) so he either gets a job or has nothing.
Oh and change the Wi-Fi code & hide the TV remotes so lazing about at home becomes less appealing!

Wow, you have two jobs and he has none. How on earth have you allowed him to be such an entitled person?

Don’t be a guarantor, don’t give him a penny more money. He is a grown man.

You've been too soft on him and as a result it seems he's come to expect it. I couldn't put up with that.

Our DS2 has worked all through uni. He finishes that job on 29th July, finishes his degree in 3rd August then is home for a week then straight to work in his full time job.

It sounds like you need to be a lot tougher on him. My parents treat my younger DB like you do your DS, he has everything handed to him on a plate. They nagged him for months to get a job, he didn’t even bother looking, so I got him a job with a friends company to get them off his back and make it easy for him - he did three shifts then quit. But he can only behave like that because my parents continue to fund him. If you cut off the supply of money and his easy lifestyle then he will be forced to do something about it. Probably more sensible that he looks for a job where he is going to be living though, as a graduate it shouldn’t be too hard and he can always ease himself into the world of work with a bar job or similar. It isn’t fair to his sibling if you continue to pay for his holidays and overspending, I was very very resentful that I had worked consistently since 15 and had to pay my own way whereas DB has everything given to him after a whine to my parents. You need to be tough now so he doesn’t fuck up his entire life through laziness and entitlement.

Cancel the tenancy . He sounds lazy and will only step up if he has no choice in the matter . A grown man who would lie around the house while his mother works two jobs to pay his rent needs a reality check .

When my university friends were swanning off in the summer holidays to camp America and the Greek islands I was working 40 hours a week every week of the holiday to save up to go back to uni the next year . In truly crap jobs too !
Stop funding his lifestyle , you’re not helping him in the long term .

Thanks all for such speedy messages of support. I, frankly, feel downtrodden and here am I - a working woman, mum of 3 and usually pretty strong. But DS' ongoing (and it's been years) reluctance to work is really, really getting me down.

He signed for the house with no prospect of work in his uni town because he wanted to stay there with friends. And, I agree, he should be look for work there but as well, I feel, for the few weeks that he'll be here. He has pricey interests -gym membership and kit and going back to the uni town every 2 weeks to see his g/f until he moves back there.

He could work - he's quite sociable, he's able, he's well and healthy (though he was anxious during his course but this, now, can't be enough to hold him back, especially as I'm telling him, truthfully, that we can't afford to go on funding every aspect of his life, including his rent, clothes, gym, weekends away.)

TBH, I'm drained and it's got to the point where I'm weighing up if I can afford some dentistry - I have chronic toothache. DS won't be moved. It's as if we can a bottomless supply of money and as if his debt to the bank didn't exist.

Why on earth would be bother getting a job? People generally work because they want to increase their standard of living.This boy (I wouldn't call a lazy shirker a man) gets what he wants from you, so has no incentive at all to get a job.
If you don't stop funding his lazy lifestyle, he could well turn into someone who never bothers working. The longer someone stays unemployed, the less chance they have of being motivated to work, and potential employers are also less likely to take them on.

To be honest, summer jobs aren't as common as they used to be and why would anyone want to employ a graduate who is making it only too clear he wants to head back to his uni town in a couple of months?

You say you're paying 'summer rent' - does that mean he can go and live in his houseshare now? Can you afford to lose the deposit? Why did you agree to be a garantor for an adult??

Don't get another job ffs. Stop enabling the obviously intelligent adult who lives in your house.

X-post. Stop giving him money! Are you paying for his gym membership and his travel back, etc? Don't!! Tell him to go and live with his gf for the summer and wash your hands of the lazy sod.

You are not being unreasonable. You are not cruel. You need to stop enabling him. Why should you be paying for his gym membership and weekends with his girlfriend when you are in pain with toothache and can't afford to get it sorted? Why should you take on a third job so he can sponge off you even more? I'm not surprised your other DS is resentful. Tough love now will be good for him in the long term. Grow a backbone and do it!

Who pays his mobile phone contract, out of interest?

I’d tell him to go and move in with his girlfriend and just go back to his uni town. Why is he lazing about with you? What did he study? Is it a degree with good job prospects? I hope so for your sake...

His behaviour is disgusting and laughable. You’re treating him like a king. I’ve recently finished my studies and will graduate late July, like him I’m young and don’t have much experience. I’ve been working in a bakery to make ends meet, which is perfectly normal. I’d never expect my patents to fund my hobbies!

You know exactly what to do- stop the money. Refuse to be guarantor until he gets an income. It’s simple. You don’t owe him anything. He sounds very immature, selfish, and lacking in self sufficiency. What the hell are you doing paying for an adult man’s holiday? He’s moving back to his uni town to “be with his friends”, glad to know he’s taking his future seriously. You need to stop what you’re doing or else risk ruining him for life and causing irreversible resentment between him, you and sibling.

Thank you all, again - I do appreciate your messages. Reading them very carefully and making note. I'm equally hurt by the fact that DS is bored here (don't know why - a loving family, an interesting town but there we go) as I am by his reluctance/refusal to earn some money and go some way at least to paying his way.

DH and I have been dopes - but we're shattered. You're right - this is as hopeless for him in the long run as it is for us now. Thanks for that - it's worth holding on to as I battle this one out.

My lovely kind generous parents funded my time in Uni and when I was home for holidays they fed, clothed and gave me pocket money. However when I finished Uni it was go home and live off minimal money or get a job. If I was you I'd tell DS that you won't pay his rent or guarantor for his new flat without him having a job up front. Stop paying his gym membership etc.. Feed him and give him a small allowance but anythng else he wants he needs to work to pay for.

So do you pay his monthly rent on his uni town residence? Aswell as his overdraft and his hobbies? I wouldn't get a job either if I was him. He has no need to, the bank of mam and dad is always available. Stop bailing him out, he wants to go to the gym? Let him pay his membership. Your his mother not his cash cow.

Oh and tell him from me that most graduates are broke and cannot afford gym memberships, holidays nor frequent trips.

Please start putting yourself first. You sounds like you e just been trying you’re best but have been giving far too much. You deserve to be able to get your teeth sorted! I’m so angry to hear that some graduates are like this; that you’re paying for your adult son to hang out in the gym and yet you’re working mad hours in pain and can’t afford a dentist appointment! What on earth does your DH think about that??