That DS should now work & help to pay his way?

[Anwen24]

DS, just finished uni, is at home and anxious about his future. I'm doing all I can to help. He's telling us that he's bored at home, doesn't like living in the town, wants to go back to uni town asap - where, in fact, he's committed to another houseshare for next year. OK - up to a point I get it but he's insensitive in the way he says it.

I've let him let the dust settle but now I'm asking him to please get a job while he's here.

He gets annoyed when I ask. Has barely worked in the past but now it's very serious. I'm guarantor again for the new place - paid a deposit - and now have to pay summer rent. That and everything else. As soon as his loan has run out in the past, we've had to step in. Even funded a holiday on the promise of being paid back. No very obvious sign of that.

We've no doubt been far too ready to help our financially and no doubt we still are. But I'd meet him half-way if only he'd get a job. He's prevaricating like mad and it hurts like hell.

I have a f-t and a p-t job just to make ends meet. DH work hard and another DS is working (and feels rather resentful towards his brother). I'm seriously having to think about an additional weekend job for myself.

He gets annoyed when I broach the subject and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He also has a big bank o/d and that needs servicing. He doesn't grasp just how important it is to be financially responsible or how tight things are for us.

What can I do? He's a loving boy but on this subject he's very, very difficult to get through to.

we are paying son till end of july and have told him this. this enables him to have a short break before he gets a job. job and where he lives are his decision as he is now an adult who has finished uni.

if he decided not to get a job that would be his decision but i wouldnt be financing that - i wouldnt expect him to do that for me either.

you are enabling his behavioiur - as i think others have said. that said we did help another son with deposit for a flat when he first started a job post uni - but he had to pay us back which he did

Questions:

Why have you agreed to be guarantor again?

Have you asked him how he proposes to pay for his rent without a job or student loan?

Who is funding his expensive gym, kit and trips to girlfriend. If you, why are you?

Just stop funding him.

I fear you may end up having to pay rent as why would a landlord release him from a valid tenancy and why would your son pay his rent when he knows you legally will have to!

Time for some tough love and stop being Bank of Mum at least until he is earning/part funding his lifestyle!

@cath2907 “small allowance”?? What planet are you on...he’s in his 20s, he’s not 10. It should be work or nothing.

personally i think its up to my kids if they have gym membership/hols etc - again they are adults so they get to decide - i wouldnt expect them to tell me what i could/couldnt have. but they have to finance this, obviously. most of them seem to have this type of stuff now....especially in uni's in south with more affluent attendees

I used to be straight down the temp agencies as soon as I finished for the summer. Worked in a shop around Christmas. One year I got a job behind the bar one year and omitted to tell them I was going back to university. That year I worked 5 days early morning to about 1 pm then 7-11pm 5 evenings. Not much going out and not much sleep in the hols for me.

You are not doing your ds any favours. He may struggle to get a job after graduation with this attitude. Why would your ds pull his weight unless you make him?

What year is he in? Probably too late for 2018/19. You’re guarantors. You could check with the letting agency. I’d make it clear no job no assistance for 2019/20. I’m sure your other ds is aggrieved. You’ve created a monster.

This should have been made clear from the very beginning tbh. Why hasn't he had a job to support himself whilst at uni? I would be cancelling every payment connected directly to him tbh. Gym membership when you can't afford too see the dentist? That he allows this is disgraceful.
Tell him it's time he grew up, he needs to pay his way equivalent of what his db is paying and any entertainment/hobbies he funds himself. Refuse to be guarantor he's old enough to be supporting himself and paying his own accommodation costs.
If he doesn't like it he can move out and doss with his mates back in his uni town. He's taking the piss and you have allowed it and you risk alienating his working brother.

It may not be that easy for him to get a job that's worth having. There is no merit in taking a shitty job (zero hours, dangerous, poorly paid, crap management). The sort of entry-level jobs that students and new graduates used to be able to take are now being competed for by people who have families to support, and degrees, and plenty of previous experience. What does he want to do?

Whilst I have sympathy for your situation, this is the second similar thread I've seen. Child just back from Uni, parent wants them to work etc.

My DS has also just finished his third year, his results aren't even in yet and he's worked damn hard to get through it. To my mind hes "allowed" a few weeks off. Once he starts work at the end of summer, that's it, for the next 50 years!

I have to say, I actually feel for the kids a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a few weeks off before they enter the world of work. They won't get a good rest again until they're 70!

Forgot to say. Prioritise your dentistry. You deserve to put yourself first at least some of the time and definitely when it comes to health. And of you can’t, remember your other children. It sounds as if the financial stack of cards will fall otherwise. Hardly fair on them.

You love him and want to do the best for him. This is hard for you.

Giving him so much money is a bit like feeding a toddler on nothing but sweets . The toddler might love it - and tantrum if you refused... but you wouldn't do it because even though you love him, you want what is best for him.

I suggest that you cut back and give him some incentive.

• offer him board and lodging with you when he needs it. (This is kind and more than many loving parents do.)
• Don't offer him money to live elsewhere. He can live elsewhere if he earns enough.
• Don't give him 'pocket money' for the gym and other additional things. Leave him to earn those.

If you can cancel the tenancy I would, failing that literally pay out for nothing (and I mean nothing) else until he joins the real world.

To put it in context OP you are in pain and unable to afford dental treatment because your son sees fit to demand you pay for everything else!! I mean what the fuck?

You’re working 2 jobs to pay for his lifestyle that he wants? How about he works 2 jobs to pay for what he wants and you can maybe use the money you work for to pay for essential dental work????

In a nutshell the problem is you and your husband being too accommodating.
Be very frank with your son tonight. Tell him together what you expect him to be doing and leave him in no doubt that your finances have now been over-stretched. Explain that your very sore mouth comes first in the queue. He is the only one with 'two houses' and an expensive gym habit Funding stops as of today.

State your position in a way that you are not apologising to him for being unable to afford his requirements. Instead say that you've met your obligations, to see him through his university life, he's earned his degree, you are very proud of him but it's over to him financially from now on. Hard i know but be strong, keep it upbeat and short and sweet.

Yes, the alienation is happening - in fact the working DS doesn't particularly want to go to his younger DS's upcoming graduation. I can kind of see his point of view.

If he's so bored at home, maybe he stays put for a few more weeks and then does all that he can to find work in his uni town. Though he has no track record of even looking for work. Together, we're put together an application for a grad job but that's a long shot - very competitive. He says that he doesn't want to work in a pub when he could be doing a grad job. But his other DS did and, like many of you, I worked as a student and afterwards doing all sorts of things. Didn't think twice. It seemed so obvious. Where DS gets his snobishness about work, I don't know. His g/f sometimes work - his mates do - his family does.

DH works a lot too - day job and cleaning at weekends. We have to - but we've made a rod for our own backs. We know that and it's a horrible feeling. I feel, though, that DS must take some of the responsility. He can't be unaware how difficult things are for us and have been for a long time.

As others have said - he needs to start pulling his weight and paying his own way. I stayed in my uni town after I graduated, I got a job and paid my own rent. It wasn't even an option that my parents would pay for me once I'd left fulltime education.
He should be concentrating on finding a job in his uni town. All he's doing at home is adding to your bills but not contributing to the household.

No wonder he's being stubborn over getting a job - he doesn't want the gravy train to end.
STOP paying his bills and funding his life for him!
When he has no money to visit his gf, go out socialising or even to the gym, then he might change his attitude.

You've enabled this entitled arse and continue to do so.

You, your DH and your working DS need to tell him what's what. All 4 of you need to sit down together, and he has to be told, by all of you, to pull his weight as it is not fair on the rest of you. Tell him that you've all had enough of his laziness, and he has to ruddy well get a job whether he likes it or not. Otherwise, no food, no mobile contract, no laundry, no lifts to where he wants to go. All those little perks stop.

Another pp says that it might not be easy to get a job that's worth having. With all due respect, that's nonsense. If you are a jobless teenager living at home, then you don't need a job that's worth having, you just need a job. Any job. In his situation, a job that's worth having is a job that pays your wages so he can get off his arse and start contributing instead of sponging off the rest of the family.

I don't understand what's going on here. He's finished his degree. He's come home for the summer but will be going back in September? Why didn't he stay there? Oh yes, because you are funding him at home. The trouble is, you are funding him away at the same time.

I would say to him that he needs to go back. He has a vacant room that you are paying for that's just waiting for him. I would tell him you will pay his rent until the end of September (so 2.5 months - plenty of time to find work) and then you won't pay it any more.

Seriously, OP, you're being taken for a mug here, though you know that, and you're paying for him in both locations. That's just crazy.

I suggest you call a family meeting. He'll find it harder to argue against his brother. Lay it on the line. And tell your son that the longer he behaves like this, the less respect you and his girlfriend will have for him. He's behaving like a child.

Fortysix 'upbeat, short and sweet'. That'll be out mantra this evening when we talk - thank you so much!

And, thank you, all of you. It's a lonely old business, worrying about money and about your DS' lack of any sense of financial responsibility. And very difficult to talk about in RL. So thanks - it all helps a lot.

Why doesn't he sign up with employment agencies and do some temping? It's a way into employment for many. He's not going to be an appealing prospect for many employers even with a degree if he has no history of paid employment. He needs to be able to demonstrate that he wants and is able to work IMO.

I understand this situation has built up gradually and you don't see clearly any more, but from outside it seems absurd.

You are walking around on eggshells because he might throw a strop? It's him who should be kissing your feet every morning. You fully fund all the expensive hobbies, trips and clothes, not to mention rent. He has made no effort to find even a summer job, not to mention a job that will fund his life in the uni town. How is he supposed to manage there in his opinion?

Stop giving him money for luxuries. I would also make it clear that you're not paying for the flat. If he wants to move there, he needs to find a way how to finance it.

Where is he getting the money from? An allowance? Or does he just approach you with his hand out?

Does he do anything to help at home? Clean? Cook? Wash up? Gardening?

He's going to be prize for some poor girl, isn't he?

I'd start cancelling things now. Gym membership cancelled. Phone plan cancelled. Withdraw from rental in uni town.

I'd tell him it isn't possible because there's no money. As soon as his things are in jeopardy he'll get a job pretty quick.

Spell it out to him!

I earn X amount per month from 2 jobs!
Dad earns X per month
Our bills are X per month

This is the deficit per month we are in

How do you think we can pay X X X X and X for you?

This is why you HAVE to get a job. As of today we stop supporting you. You are now responsible for all of your financies.

He’s a lazy little oik. Cut him off financially. Undoubtedly he’ll be rather less picky when he doesn’t have two pennies to rub together.

He needs to a. Make a claim for job seeking benefits to get some cash coming in and b. Find work ASAP. His uni careers dept will help him with CVs etc.

He is literally draining your life energy from you and then moaning about it!

And why are you so soft on one son and not on the other?

don't be surprised if the older brother starts to cut ALL of you out of his life. It must be hurting him - a lot - to see his younger brother treated like Mr Goldenballs. Make sure that he feels appreciated for what he is achieving.

I know this sounds harsh, but you really seem to be treating the uni son like some kind of God, in preference to his older brother. That's incredibly damaging for everyone involved.
I'd give him until next weekend to either find a job & start paying rent & living costs to you, OR fuck off back to the uni town where he can be fully self sufficient.

I would also tell him that not paying rent and hanging around could lead to police intervention. If he kicks off and gets violent - police.