That DS should now work & help to pay his way?

[Anwen24]

DS, just finished uni, is at home and anxious about his future. I'm doing all I can to help. He's telling us that he's bored at home, doesn't like living in the town, wants to go back to uni town asap - where, in fact, he's committed to another houseshare for next year. OK - up to a point I get it but he's insensitive in the way he says it.

I've let him let the dust settle but now I'm asking him to please get a job while he's here.

He gets annoyed when I ask. Has barely worked in the past but now it's very serious. I'm guarantor again for the new place - paid a deposit - and now have to pay summer rent. That and everything else. As soon as his loan has run out in the past, we've had to step in. Even funded a holiday on the promise of being paid back. No very obvious sign of that.

We've no doubt been far too ready to help our financially and no doubt we still are. But I'd meet him half-way if only he'd get a job. He's prevaricating like mad and it hurts like hell.

I have a f-t and a p-t job just to make ends meet. DH work hard and another DS is working (and feels rather resentful towards his brother). I'm seriously having to think about an additional weekend job for myself.

He gets annoyed when I broach the subject and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He also has a big bank o/d and that needs servicing. He doesn't grasp just how important it is to be financially responsible or how tight things are for us.

What can I do? He's a loving boy but on this subject he's very, very difficult to get through to.

OP, I moved out of home at 16, moved miles away and never had a penny from my parents since. Whilst not ideal, it taught me to be responsible, the value of money and a bloody good work ethic.

It’s time to cut the apron strings and let your boy stand on his own two feet, or he’ll only become more and more entitled. I’d sit him down and explain to him that it’s time to grow up and be a man. You are giving him one months notice, and then cutting him off financially - you can’t afford to support another fully able adult, and it’s not fair on his brother. DO NOT act as a guarantor on his flat, he will have no incentive to pay his rent because he knows he can fall back on you. You really need to step back, not just for your own financial reasons, but because this is a really important lesson that he has to learn.

"I wouod also review with the fact that you are his guarantor for the flat. Please make it clear to him that it in no ways means yuare going to pay if he can’t. If he can’t pay, that’s the end of the rental agreement!"

That's not the way a guarantor contract works, BrexitWife. It is very likely that OP's contract runs for exactly the same amount of time as the tenancy agreement, so she will be liable for unpaid rent (and possibly other things) for the full duration of the tenancy agreement.

She can't just pull out.

Fucks sake love I’ve put two through uni, first one came back and lived at home still in his part time track wage until he got a proper job, second one has stayed in uni town but I only agreed to be a guarantor because she is a HCP and has a job to start when her hcp registration comes through in about three weeks. Your Son is taking the absolute piss, on that basis I wouldn’t have been his guarantor, he would have moved back home!

he doesn't want to work in a pub when he could be doing a grad job

But he can't be doing a grad job because he doesn't HAVE a grad job. He can work in a pub or a supermarket until he gets one.

He's not going to get a job unless he has to, and at the moment, he doesn't have to, because you're doing 2!

he doesn't want to work in a pub when he could be doing a grad job

How does he think he is going to get a grad job with nothing on his CV.
No previous work experience AT ALL to distinguish him from the other hopefuls. Hmm!

Be very alert to the words 'postgrad' too OP.

And the phrase you need for that is 'not on your nelly, sunshine'

@Anwen24 - you need to be blunt with him:

“DS - I a must currently working two jobs, one full time, one part time, and am considering a third job, just to make ends meet. I am worrying about whether I can afford the dental treatment I need - please tell me why dad and I should be working ourselves into an early grave, whilst you sit around and don’t make the slightest effort to get a job?

You need to get a job and pay your own way - bills, rent, travel etc - plus start repaying the money you borrowed for your holiday (when did dad and I last get to swan off to X?) - dad and I will no longer be funding you whilst you laze around doing nothing!”

For what it’s worth, I have two dses currently on summer vacation - ds2 finished his teacher training last month and starts his NQT year in the autumn, and ds3 is between his second and third years of university. Both of them have got jobs - ds2 is doing casual labouring work with a friend’s dad as well as some days work for a friend of mi e, and ds3 is working pretty much full time as a waiter, and doing such a good job that they have asked him to become a supervisor (he has said No because when term start she he will be cutting down his work hours to focus on study).

You need to lay down the law to your ds, and tell him he must pull his finger out.

Hi all. I've read all the comments carefully and feel a lot stronger. I really to. I went out this evening - just to a meeting but I needed to get out of the house and see other people, getting on with their lives.

DH are going to have a conversation with him tomorrow and I will have to show him, again, a warning letter from his bank (he ignores such letters) saying that they'll close down his o/d unless regular sums are paid in. He set up this account to get a student freebie, overspent like mad (one top of his loan and the money we gave him when that was spent - and he wasn't having to pay his rent) and then reverted to his old bank account which, thankfully, doesn't have an o/d facility.

I'm tired tonight and in pain with this tooth. I tried talking to him earlier but he snapped at me. Thank you again. Going to tell DH what you're saying cos he too needs the encouragement.

Well done OP, that's a good plan. What are you going to do about the rent? Tell his friends to look for another housemate?

Stop paying op! Cancel the flat. He does jobs around the house for money. Treat him like an adult not a child. He needs to earn his keep, be it with jobs in the house or out.

Read update op. Well done keep strong x

Don’t let him speak to you like you’re a piece of shit on his shoe OP. You and your DH together, United need to speak to him.

Why did he go to uni? Was there a specific goal at the end of it that you need a specific degree for? Or did he go because he felt he had to and just did a random degree because a degree is a degree? Did or does he any clue what he wants to 'do' with life? The millions of different types of jobs and careers can be so overwhelming if you don't really know what you want. If he likes going to the gym could he do some type of job connected with that? Summer job at local gyms or sports centre. Summer clubs for children are often sports based and they always want staff (or even volunteers). He probably hasn't even thought of something like that because his mind is only on 'grad' jobs or 'student mcjobs'. But there is more out there - more that he might actually enjoy and get a positive experience out of.

Please stop running yourself into the ground and sacrificing your health. Where will this end?

Spell it out for him. I'm not working two jobs while you do none. I've got some big expenses coming up.

Welcome to adulthood. What would you see if you saw someone being treated like this by a partner?!

Wow! I get that you've already signed as a guarantor for his new tenancy agreement, but I'd be getting legal advice as to whether there is any way out of that. No way is he going to pay his rent. Where would he get the money from?

I think you need to stop funding him straightaway, OP. No more gym, no travel, no clothes, no mobile, nothing. All of it has to stop. He can have a bed in your house, and perhaps basic meals, but I wouldn't give him any more than that.

It is not kind or loving to tolerate his lack of financial responsibility. You are enabling him, and he is spiralling out of control. He is desperately in need of a serious wake-up call. Do it now, or he will drag you down with him.

Op l am shocked by what a pushover you are, you sound very nice and kind....but why are you not furious that he has no compassion for you!

If he snaps at you then you need to shout louder, a lot louder.

If he were my son l would,

Cancel the tenancy.
Cancel the gym membership.
Cancel all other things l was paying for....today..now.

Tell him to come in sit down and say nothing,

I would say,
all financial assistance has stopped as of now, you have a bed and food here for 6 months unsubsidised then we will expect a contribution to bed and board. If you are disrespectful or rude to us we will give you a week to find somewhere else to live.

Walk away and do not engage.

He is an adult, behaving horribly op.

Please stop tiptoeing around him, YOU ARE IN CHARGE HERE AND HE NEEDS TO GROW UP NOW.

Why should he bother getting a job? He’s getting everything paid for by you, house, rent, you’re a guarantor, I bet you also give him travel money, beer money, clothes etc etc.

You have 2 jobs and he has none. Time for him to stand on his own 2 feet.

Me and my sister are just like your DS's.

My sister went to Uni, ran up about £15k in debt (excluding student loan, this was pre- 2008 and she could seemingly get endless credit ) and my parents, not knowing what else to do, bailed her out.

She's now 31, has never worked more than 3 weeks in a job ever and mum and dad have just given her £75k to put towards the purchase of her first home with her boyfriend who does work, but in minimum wage hence they needed a massive deposit.

For the last 10 years, they've also given her £400 a month 'pocket money' and paid her rent, bills and for her car insurance/ petrol because she's seemingly finding it 'impossible' to find work. She refuses to contact the job centre or claim unemployment benefit because she feels it's beneath her.

My lovely parents have gone down the rabbit hole on this one and it's destroyed their marriage and their relationship with me. I've worked since I was 16 and funded myself through uni by working in care homes. I got myself a graduate job and I've climbed the ladder to the point where now, I'm comfortably off, bought myself a little house, got married and rely on no one.

I don't just resent my sister, I actively dislike her for the choices she's made. I struggle to communicate with my parents because they bring up my sister often and now they're both retired, they constantly scrimp and save because they struggle to afford to live properly. Over the winter we had bad snow, I went to visit them and the house was freezing. I asked why and they said the heating was too expensive

OP, this will be your family if you carry on down this road. All my parents had to do was stop funding her 10 years ago, but because they couldn't bare to see her 'put out' at having to get a job, they ducked it and now we're here.

He snapped at you? Little shit. He really needs to feel the rough side of life and very soon.

Personally I would try to cancel the tenancy and pay until they find a replacement - I know you have no legal right to do this and your hands are tied. So you’ll have to make your ds do it. That way at least you’re not responsible for bills and repairs. If you can’t lesson learned. Are his uni friends nice? Would they help you to find someone?

And fgs DONT pay for his overdraft. Let him sink. You will only create a long term parasite.

I also have a story like Janet. My husband’s cousin. He was never made to be an adult. His upbringing wasn’t the easiest as his father was a tyrant and beat his mother. His mother otoh completely smothered him and he failed at everything. His father also supported him financially and didn’t push him to work.

When he was maybe 30 and still living at home, having worked about a month for his entire life, his mother got power of attorney for her mother. Dh’s cousin manipulated her into stealing tens of thousands of pounds from her mother. When she died the money was all gone.

In the end he went to prison for over a year for beating up his father. His mother divorced his father for grassing to the police. I’m sure he’d been in trouble with the law before. He now lives with his mother, has run down all her savings, treats her like shit and periodically beats her up. He has strangled her twice to my knowledge but she refuses to press charges.

Occasionally they ring us up for money. We refuse systematically.

Don’t believe you are both working two jobs to support him. I can see why your eldest son doesn’t want to give you housekeeping money because he thinks it will go straight to his younger brother! Your son can cancel his gym membership for a start. And stop giving him money.

I had 2 DS who struggled to get holiday jobs however they took c.v round 2 local towns, did a food handling course to havea better chance for a food job, looked at indeed, gum tree jobs etc daily and had a spreadsheet of applications they had made. This was so they could show what they had been doing. Both have good degrees from good Uni but took MW jobs while looking for grad jobs. A major factor in Ds1 interviews was what he had learnt about business in the kitchens.
He needs to get some work, any work. I am afraid you are not helping him at all. He is being defensive as he knows he is wrong.
See if you can get out if the guarantor. He needs to find someone else to share or find work of any level.