That DS should now work & help to pay his way?

[Anwen24]

DS, just finished uni, is at home and anxious about his future. I'm doing all I can to help. He's telling us that he's bored at home, doesn't like living in the town, wants to go back to uni town asap - where, in fact, he's committed to another houseshare for next year. OK - up to a point I get it but he's insensitive in the way he says it.

I've let him let the dust settle but now I'm asking him to please get a job while he's here.

He gets annoyed when I ask. Has barely worked in the past but now it's very serious. I'm guarantor again for the new place - paid a deposit - and now have to pay summer rent. That and everything else. As soon as his loan has run out in the past, we've had to step in. Even funded a holiday on the promise of being paid back. No very obvious sign of that.

We've no doubt been far too ready to help our financially and no doubt we still are. But I'd meet him half-way if only he'd get a job. He's prevaricating like mad and it hurts like hell.

I have a f-t and a p-t job just to make ends meet. DH work hard and another DS is working (and feels rather resentful towards his brother). I'm seriously having to think about an additional weekend job for myself.

He gets annoyed when I broach the subject and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He also has a big bank o/d and that needs servicing. He doesn't grasp just how important it is to be financially responsible or how tight things are for us.

What can I do? He's a loving boy but on this subject he's very, very difficult to get through to.

I see 'adult' kids so often taking the piss like this.

I can understand you being guarantor while he was at uni but there's no need now. If he wants a graduate level job then he applies, interviews and if he's offered a job THEN he gets a tenancy off his own back.

In the mean time he needs to claim Jobseekers/universal credit depending on your area.

The action you have to take is simple - but it isn’t easy.
You just stop giving him money. You do need to argue about it or justify yourself. You just say “sorry, no. Things have changed”. He doesn’t have a point or an argument that he can make. He can whine like a toddler but, like a toddler, he will jack it in eventually when it doesn’t work.
You’re going to have to be strong because you’re obviously soft-hearted but it really is simple. Something can be straightforward and difficult to do at the same time.
It’s actually not fair to him to complain about him while enabling him. Turning off the money is doing him a favour. It just won’t feel like it to him.

Are you frightened of him?

Glad you're feeling stronger OP and hope you and your DH manage to talk to him.
What did he study at Uni? This will give you an insight into how the next few years will go. If it's something with immediate entry level positions then it could be good. However, if it's a vague subject with little grounding in a special area then he may struggle. Graduates need to have tenacity and drive to get a job in their preferred sectors.
He would be better off ditching the idea of returning to his uni town if there aren't any prospects of utilising his degree.
Taking the first step of your career is hard but it's best to do it ASAP otherwise the years and debt pile up. Every year new graduates appear and those with the biggest drive and ambition will be the ones to get the jobs.
Good luck

Don't just sit down for a chat.

Decide between you and dh what you're going to put in place. Sit down. Let him know. Stop the money.

Are you worried he'll leave and never come back? I'd be more worried the other ds will leave...

Is it your dh that wants to continue like this indefinitely? Does your health, well being, time matter to anyone?

@GabriellaMontez is right - you and dh decide on the ground rules from now on, then you sit your disrespectful ds down and get tough.

@Dragongirl10 is spot on when she says:

"Cancel the tenancy.
Cancel the gym membership.
Cancel all other things l was paying for....today..now.

Tell him to come in sit down and say nothing,

I would say,
all financial assistance has stopped as of now, you have a bed and food here for 6 months unsubsidised then we will expect a contribution to bed and board. If you are disrespectful or rude to us we will give you a week to find somewhere else to live.

Walk away and do not engage."

I definitely don’t think you should be paying his bills. You can ease into it though, cut off the gym membership and any other DD’s. Feed him and house him. He’ll have to get a job if he wants to do anything else. After that you can discuss paying you back. At 0% interest it’s still the best deal he’ll ever get. It would make sense to get a job in the town where he (you) rent a room but initially he’ll be tapping you for food etc.
I thought I was crazy lucky that I didn’t pay digs when I lived at home between years at uni.
No one is going to get any kind of grad job with zero work experience.
Also worth mentioning that I applied for a job and at the interview they directed me to another job, a much better job with more prospects based on my work history and experience. He has to get about of sausage factory school uni mindset

Why are you bailing him out with money and paying for holidays you know you won't get the money back for?

He has a huge overdraft as well? You need to pull all financial support from him and start charging him board. My dad would have laughed in my face if i asked him to fund my holiday when I lived at home.

It's a tough lesson, and if he gets himself in a mess financially (sounds like he already has) he needs to learn to be an adult and deal with it. He's graduated university, he needs to start acting like the grown up he is.

I'm usually fairly sympathetic to students who have just finished uni - a few weeks to relax is fine but he is taking the piss royally now. I would insist he does most of the housework while he's with you. If everyone else is working or studying full time it's only fair.

OMG OP try and get out of the guarantor thing now. I know you will lose the deposit but I have a feeling you will be paying DS's rent every month otherwise.

Job seekers allowance for an adult is £73 a week and you have to attend job centre once a week and prove you have been looking. How much are you giving him per week for doing nothing ! Lazy young people, save for your pension, fix tooth, book holiday for yourself

Everyone I know had a part time job throughout their uni degree. They weren't exciting or glamourous, but they paid the bills and put food on the table. My mother drove me to the local shopping centre when I was 15 and told me to talk to every shop until I found a casual position, and kept it from Grade 10 through to the end of uni, working part time during the week then taking as many hours as I could during the holidays for the extra cash. I will be marching DS up to the local maccas and supermarkets when he is 15 as well and will be expecting him to find some work (I am happy to drive him to and from work regardless of the time, just like my parents did for me). Young people absolutely need to get into the workforce. I don't buy 'oh they can't work while they are studying'. It's a load of crap. Welcome to the real world sunshine, where you have to actually make time to get everything done.

Reading this made me think of this www.drphil.com/videos/parents-say-31-year-old-son-blames-them-for-everything-that-goes-wrong-in-his-life/

This IS your future. Sorry If things don't change.

(((((Hugs))))) and Good Luck

When you say finished uni do you mean for the year or altogether? If he's finished altogether you definitely need to cancel that rent contract! If he's going back to uni then you're not left with much choice (for those saying don't be a guarantor there isn't any choice when they are students, they can't rent without one) but he needs to learn to budget so he lives within his own means. Our youngest is at uni and doesn't have a job there due to a demanding degree, but he comes back and works all summer in factory jobs in order to save for the following year. If he is still at uni next year, does his loan cover his rent? If so have you spoken to him about getting the loan paid into your account and you paying it to him weekly or monthly so it doesn't run out? We have our DS loan then pay his rent and give him a monthly allowance which make sure it easier to budget. As it is he budgets very well anyway using an app to track his spending. I'm not sure how else you can encourage him to looo for a job without withdrawing any money your currently give him, it seems harsh but it's the only thing that will get him off his backside.

I would let him down gently...I remember this feeling of parents nagging me to get a job (of course, they were quite justified but I didn't want to hear it). Stop nagging him, just tell him how it's going to be, but at the same time treat him like an adult. I'd give him notice. So no more pocket money from now, but will pay this month gym or whatever. Then from August no more gym. Then from September he needs to either find a job in home town and start paying a quarter of the bills and food (and cancel uni town property) or job in hometown and start paying his share of bills. Let him go and sign on if he wants money. I think he's being ridiculous thinking he will stroll into a graduate job with no work experience. I got into a great career because I had multiple skills from shop, bar and admin work that I could talk about at interview (people skills, money handling, business awareness, work ethic, admin skills). I would be baffled by a graduate with no work experience on their cv (have recruited quite a few grads at work, and they all had bar/retail experience which was valued).

He needs to be in work or back in education. Could he look at a pgce where he'd get a bursary?

I left a very good university with an arts degree and without a clue what I was going to do - applied for a pgce but ended up with a temp job in a bank through an agency so stuck with that instead. I had worked through uni to pay rent etc but only cleaning jobs really, and a memorable stint in a cheese factory, nothing exciting. Entry level temp job but I stood out and worked my way up and now work in a highly paid finance job fifteen years later. He just needs to get a foot in the door somewhere. He will struggle to get a graduate job in this environment without any work experience ( I now recruit graduates among other things!)

I agree with every saying you need to get tough on your DS. But there is something else you also need to do - book a dentist appt and get your teeth fixed! The pain will be dragging you down, so make it a priority.

He sounds lacy and entitled. He needs to start contributing.

I’d stop finding him while he’s at home sitting on his backside (appreciate he needs some support while at college).

I had a PT job while at Uni and worked FT in the holidays. Didn’t ask my parents for a penny. He needs to learn some independence, the value of money and the fact that the world doesn’t owe him a living.

Hmm, lots of students live the high life; somewhere to live, bills paid, money to spend on going out and gym and hobbies and tech.

And it's hard for young graduates now; decent jobs, that support that kind of lifestyle are few and far between. And I do think for many there is a sense of loss and shock and fear that comes with graduating. Not many of them trip blithely onto a well paid grad scheme.

In our case we let DS1 chill until September. Then we nagged him to sign on and job hunt properly for any kind of job. And he did unpleasant, minimum wage jobs until February or so, then went travelling. He came back in June and went into a fairly mediocre boring office job. A year on he has landed a very good grad job and is finally properly on his way (and moving out).

This process has taken two years BUT DS hasn't had a penny off us in that time. He has lived at home and paid rent since he started working full time. We made it very clear once he graduated that while our home was open, the bank of mum and dad was closed.

I hope the OP has told this bone Idle bloodsucker in no uncertain terms where he stands by now.

”I'm guarantor again for the new place - paid a deposit - and now have to pay summer rent.”

I genuinely bewildered as to why you’ve done this, how odd. It’s one thing offering your adult non-student son free accommodation at home, but surely if he wants to live elsewhere he has to find the means to pay for that? You know, like normal people do? Why is it even occurring to him that you paying for his accommodation is an option now he’s finished studying? Why are you “asking” him to “please” get a job, as opposed to him just automatically knowing that, as an adult, like the rest of the population, he needs one to afford to, you know, buy stuff.

I graduated and that summer was a world cup. I said to my parents im having time off to watch the tournament then ill be hitting the job market hard midjuly. My parents agreed and thats what happened.

Its easy to bluster online about cutting him tomorrow and kicking him out but realistically noone would do that and its unreasonable.

I would sit down to explain the situation with him re finances and give him a cooling off period and notice that from august or whenever, you will no longer be paying his rent phone gym allowance and its on him to start paying himself from then on. Guarantors cant ring up and cancel a tenancy if they fancy btw. All parties are to blame for this situation so a gradual process with notice is far less likely to breed resentment

The most important thing to do is get out of the guarantor agrerment. It's not as easy as just saying you won't do it - you've signed a legally binding agreement and depending on how the tenency is worded you may be technically liable for the whole house rent, not just his share. So my advice is to get some professional advice and get out of this as soon as you can.

In the meantime, stop all the financing of trips to uni town, gym etc as suggested upthread.

He is really selfish and you can see already that it is driving a wedge between you and his brother, who quite rightly is feeling the inequality and is naturally reluctant to indirectly finance his lazy arse brother by giving you money. Don't let your son cause this damage to your family - you hsve to get tough. I can't believe you are considering your 3rd job because your fit and healthy 21 year old cna to get one.

”I graduated and that summer was a world cup. I said to my parents im having time off to watch the tournament then ill be hitting the job market hard midjuly.”

But presumably as you “told” your parents that was what you were doing, it was just for their information rather than asking them to fund it?!

I lived in their house and ate their food

But the remainder of my student overdraft covered my expenses.

I didnt dictate what was gonna happen, more like' this is my plan, is that cool?' Kinda way