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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with MIL over grandchildren

156 replies

timelord92 · 04/07/2018 11:02

My MIL minds another grandchild for two days a week and so when we had our child said she would mind our child when I finish my maternity (in sept).

This is going ahead and there is no problems as yet. However, she said the other day that her other son and daughter-in-law, who lives 4 hours away are going away for 2/3 nights in early December and want my MIL to childmind their two children while they are away but for the week. She said they mentioned it ages ago but she forgot all about it. So she was asking what we could arrange so she could go down as she’d already said she’d do it. My DS can’t book December off and I’m not back in work yet to look but fortunately my mum can book that time off to mind her.

She goes down every year too while her son is away for a week with work to mind the children with her daughter-in-law as she can’t dont in her own ( kids are 7 & 8). Her own Mum kinds then in the day and have refused to do any more at any other time. So she has pre-warned us that she will still be doing that as she always has.

AIBU to think there is a little bit of favouritism going on? If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home.

There is other things that I never noticed before having my child that she does. For instance, she’s been up to her son’s house to see the grandkids more frequently than she has been to visit our daughter since she’s been born even though we live a 5 month walk down the road.

Am I being over sensitive now I have a child or is this a bit out of order?

OP posts:
londonrach · 05/07/2018 07:18

Serious op yabvvvu. Your mil has no responsibilities end of story. She kindly offered to look after your dd. Offered she doesnt have to do it. Your dd your responsibilty. Your poor mil all this childcare during her retired years when she should be off exploring the world, doing hobbies, seeing friends or just watching tv films or gardening etc at home.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 05/07/2018 07:26

This ^^

And to boot the person receiving the free childcare is moaning about having to do it themselves or make other arrangements for a couple of days. If I caught wind of that there would be no free childcare.

Imagine looking forward to retiring then being an on tap childminder as your grown children don't want to pay for childcare. Selfish.

Oldagepensioner · 05/07/2018 07:30

I think that any grandparent that does any childcare is a saint. We’ve done our time bringing up a family and we are now free to enjoy ourselves and let our hair down whilst we still can.

When I had my children I was young and healthy. I’m now a lot older with aches and pains and like many older people I don’t sleep very well. It’s much harder looking after my grandchildren than it was looking after my own children. I absolutely love them to bits but it’s still exhausting. My friends all feel pretty much the same as I do. They help where they can and when they want to but it’s a relief to give them back.

Just saying.......

Floradoranora · 05/07/2018 12:01

Imagine looking forward to retiring then being an on tap childminder as your grown children don't want to pay for childcare. Selfish

Grandparents can and do look after the children without doing it because their children expected free childcare. They can also look after grandchildren and still lead a full and varied life.

Personally I look after my grandchildren because after their parents no has their best interests are heart more than I do and looking after them makes my heart sing.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/07/2018 12:18

Oliversmumsarmy, we don't know the reason why the SIL needs help. The OP was fed stories about his Family and has formed her idea of entitlement from that

But sil's own parents have refused to help her out. I don't think it takes a great leap to think the parents think their DD was feigning helplessness and want her and her dh to step up and look after their own children. Maybe they are trying to teach them a lesson but the MIL swoops in and ops brother and sil have learned nothing.

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 13:15

"Maybe they are trying to teach them a lesson but the MIL swoops in and ops brother and sil have learned nothing."

Extraordinary the lengths some people will go to paint a MIL as the bad guy!!!!!

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/07/2018 13:21

Your MiL sounds like a hero giving up her time and energy to look after so many grandchildren. She might feel she needs to put more effort into bonding with the kids who live further away, maybe she fancies a few nights away, maybe they're really good cooks and she knows they'll leave her some great meals who knows. She doesn't have to justify it to anyone though. The thing with free childcare is you can't treat it in the same way as a service you've paid for.

youknowwherethecityis · 05/07/2018 13:25

Maybe SILs parents just aren't particularly helpful. It is a massive leap to think that because they don't help out then SIL is feigning helplessness.
There could be any number of reasons why the SILs parents don't help, and several more as to why the SIL needs some additional help with her kids.

my2bundles · 05/07/2018 13:42

If you don't like this arrangement then maybe find a childminder, you will need to pay her tho and she will take annual leave a few times a year at a time not suitable to you. Or find a nursery keeping in mind they also need paying and may close for several day several times a year eg Christmas, Easter etc. It sounds to me like you have the ideal set up, don't spoil it by being entitled.

Bouledeneige · 05/07/2018 13:55

Wow! Your poor MIL!

She is retired and is spending nearly 100% of her time childminding for people who complain about her not doing enough. When you retire I hope this happens to you and you realise what's it's like - to give up work to take on full time unpaid childminding. She must be exhausted. Does she ever get a holiday so she can spend time for herself?

I am shocked really. I never had a single day of parental support - except for my kids going to my MIL for 3 days a couple of times. You are incredibly lucky and should show it! She is surrounded by a family who is taking her for granted and milking her goodwill. If I were her I'd take a couple of years off for good behaviour!

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 14:00

"Maybe SILs parents just aren't particularly helpful. It is a massive leap to think that because they don't help out then SIL is feigning helplessness."
The leap is essential to make the mil the bad guy. It's actually quite unremarkable as such leaps go on Mumsnet!

Fluffyrainbows · 05/07/2018 14:01

When I realised how torn my mother was trying to fairly split herself between her grandchildren I stopped every asking for help. It's disgraceful. It kind of built up to a point where she was a 2 days at one house, 1 day at another, picking kids up from school, a day here and a day there, all constant cheap childcare. Can you imagine not working but being tied to most of your week gone every week? Not being able to be ill or tired or meet with friends because you have devoted yourself to your family? I prefer to see her regularly and enjoy time together as family. I feel really sorry for your MIL, I'm sure she loves her grandchildren very much and loves being with them but she's being totally abused in my opinion!

Eminado · 05/07/2018 14:13

Oliversmumsarmy

*Oliversmumsarmy, we don't know the reason why the SIL needs help. The OP was fed stories about his Family and has formed her idea of entitlement from that

But sil's own parents have refused to help her out. I don't think it takes a great leap to think the parents think their DD was feigning helplessness and want her and her dh to step up and look after their own children. Maybe they are trying to teach them a lesson but the MIL swoops in and ops brother and sil have learned nothing*

This is COMPLETELY made up?!?! You have NO evidence to support this.

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 14:15

My mil absolutely adored looking after her grandchildren after she retired. She was counting the days!

Selfish cow never came to look after mine though- and it was only 300 miles. She could easily have driven through the night. But no, she prioritized my sil’s children. She tried to appease me by sending money for days out for us all in the holidays, but I wasn’t fooled.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/07/2018 14:16

But sil's own parents have refused to help her out. I don't think it takes a great leap to think the parents think their DD was feigning helplessness and want her and her dh to step up and look after their own children. Maybe they are trying to teach them a lesson but the MIL swoops in and ops brother and sil have learned nothing

What the hell? I'm assuming OP isn't "helpless" either so why doesn't she look after her own children? What you've described is a huge leap. Not every grandparent wants to help out with childcare. SiL's parents are probably of this variety.

newmumwithquestions · 05/07/2018 14:33

I think you should ditch your MIL.
She sounds amazing. I’d like to adopt her instead.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/07/2018 14:49

PitterPatter that's exactly what I said in an earlier post.

I said all parties were being unreasonable

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 14:53

"I said all parties were being unreasonable"

How is the mil being unreasonable?

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/07/2018 15:45

The parents of the sil are closer and have refused to do any more. Probably because without any evidence being put forward that there is any physical disabilities the sil is not learning to look after her own children on her own when her dh is away. And now they are a family they should be taking family holidays together not acting like they are single going away on their own for a fortnight expecting others to look after their children.

From the ops later posts the sil appears to not be able to look after 2 school age children and expects others to do it all for her. The parents have said no, I presume hoping that she would learn to do it in her own yet mil swoops in and takes over so the sil and brother don't learn anything and think they are entitled to childcare on demand.

Exactly what the op expects.

No one is learning to look after their own children because mil insists on doing everything

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 15:56

The OP says that her bil and sil are going away for 2/3 days in December. Hardly behaving like single people. And the bil goes away for a week for work and the sil's mum helps during the day but won't do nights so mil goes down to help then. Who knows why the dil needs help. She might just get lonely/spooked alone with the children at night. She might have mental health issues. The mil might like the opportunity to spend time there. Whatever-it's how that family operate. And the OP is whinging because it means she loses out on maybe 2 weeks maximum of childcare. Blimey.

MarthasGinYard · 05/07/2018 15:59

How ungrateful and jealous you sound I hope you are paying your MIL for all this childcare

MarthasGinYard · 05/07/2018 16:01

'Wow! Your poor MIL!

She is retired and is spending nearly 100% of her time childminding for people who complain about her not doing enough'

Quite

You sound like one of life's takers

WineIsMyMainVice · 05/07/2018 16:03

Do you know how lucky you are to have grandparents who are not only nearby, but also willing and able to help you with regular childcare? We have no support at all and for 2 years our childcare bills were more than our mortgage!

Notonthestairs · 05/07/2018 16:11

My mum, when she was alive, would visit me a couple of times a year.
She didnt come because I needed help she came because it was nice for the two of us to spend time together, for her to see my kids in their home enviroment and I was able to cook lots of lovely food that we both liked (and my family dont appreciate!).
If we all making big, fictional leaps based on the scant information I'd like to suggest that maybe SIL and MIL want to spend time together (possibly without SIL's DH around).
Either way Timelord needs to wave her MIL off with a grateful smile and say "Have a great time, look forward to seeing you when you get back".

Valanice1989 · 05/07/2018 16:13

Just because it’s ‘free’ childcare doesn’t mean you won’t encounter issues or get stressed about things.

I don't get why 'free' is in inverted commas? I've read the thread and haven't noticed any mention of the OP paying her MIL.