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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with MIL over grandchildren

156 replies

timelord92 · 04/07/2018 11:02

My MIL minds another grandchild for two days a week and so when we had our child said she would mind our child when I finish my maternity (in sept).

This is going ahead and there is no problems as yet. However, she said the other day that her other son and daughter-in-law, who lives 4 hours away are going away for 2/3 nights in early December and want my MIL to childmind their two children while they are away but for the week. She said they mentioned it ages ago but she forgot all about it. So she was asking what we could arrange so she could go down as she’d already said she’d do it. My DS can’t book December off and I’m not back in work yet to look but fortunately my mum can book that time off to mind her.

She goes down every year too while her son is away for a week with work to mind the children with her daughter-in-law as she can’t dont in her own ( kids are 7 & 8). Her own Mum kinds then in the day and have refused to do any more at any other time. So she has pre-warned us that she will still be doing that as she always has.

AIBU to think there is a little bit of favouritism going on? If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home.

There is other things that I never noticed before having my child that she does. For instance, she’s been up to her son’s house to see the grandkids more frequently than she has been to visit our daughter since she’s been born even though we live a 5 month walk down the road.

Am I being over sensitive now I have a child or is this a bit out of order?

OP posts:
HelenK73 · 04/07/2018 15:25

Blimey..... some of these comments are so harsh! Remind me never to seek an opinion from mumsnet..... poor op must feel like sh%te after reading these.... hope she stopped long ago!

Bluelady · 04/07/2018 15:41

Poor bloody MiL.

Fevs · 04/07/2018 15:57

@HelenK73 I totally agree. I made the mistake of posting a problem regarding my mil last year and never again!
Just because it’s ‘free’ childcare doesn’t mean you won’t encounter issues or get stressed about things. I thought the whole point of this forum was to offer intelligent, unbiased and helpful advice. Not bully other women (and men) and make them feel like absolute shit!
You may not agree with op but she wants opinions on if she’s being reasonable (or not). Not nasty remarks and malicious comments.
Not cool.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/07/2018 16:22

*The SIL and her dh are U for

a) Going on holiday without their DC

Why*

Because it is another instant where neither of them are looking after their own children.

They don't seem capable unless they have help

Confusedbeetle · 04/07/2018 16:26

Please don't accept free childcare if you feel this way, It is hard enough being a mother in law without all this sort of rubbish. I see some families more than other and some not for ages. I childcare when I can and it is not easy. I can well do without petty jealosy

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2018 17:15

@HelenK73 and @Fevs
I totally disagree. Yes, sometimes mn can be too harsh where it's unwarranted. But the original post is awful, just an awful attitude. I think it's good the op has been called out on it and in no uncertain terms. Maybe, just maybe, because of the unanimous responses, and the harshness, maybe she might rethink her attitude and expectations? It certainly has rammed the point home.

HelenK73 · 04/07/2018 23:56

Just a reminder to anyone who reads it that we're all parents and should be a little bit more supportive of one another. We're adults and should know how to give opinion without resorting to insults. Calling someone selfish, entitled, spoilt, etc when you know nothing about her life other than the brief snapshot she has given you is just plainly nasty. It's probably not going to change her attitude but could tip someone a bad place if they're already struggling or stressed. WTF is wrong with being nice to each other.

Thehop · 05/07/2018 00:09

I know we never get a full story but you are being a bit unreasonable.

It’s hard with pfb but she’s saving you over £100 a week in nursery so I’d honestly be kissing her boots x

Seasawride · 05/07/2018 00:25

Helen

No not all mumsnetters are parents.lots arnt.

My only other comment would be to the mil.

Emigrate love. Let them stew.

Thankfully my kids and dils are grateful for any help with childcare and I am
Happy to help. Your dil sounds hard work.

Birdsgottafly · 05/07/2018 00:49

Oliversmumsarmy, we don't know the reason why the SIL needs help. The OP was fed stories about his Family and has formed her idea of entitlement from that.

HelenK73, normally I would agree with you, but this OP needed telling, in straight terms. "selfish" etc was a correct description.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 05/07/2018 01:02

I think what you should be doing is saying thank you mil for looking after our DC and also thanks for reminding me for future visit as we're grateful for the reminder ..

Instead of trying to have a moan to a bunch of strangers on the internet..

Yabu

Brunsdon1 · 05/07/2018 01:27

As much as I do sometimes think mn can be a bit harsh it is ultimately a free internet site for discussion between parents

Not a hand holding exercise and sometimes the best thing someone can hear is the direct truth....i wouldn't offer it without being asked...but she literally asked

Entitlement aside my biggest thing here is the OP is actually keeping score and I'll bet not accurately

My Dsis and DC (granted adukt) live within 10 mins of my DP so of course they have a huge amount more interaction...how much more ?I've no bloody idea I don't drill down and I don't care

If I ask for help they either say yes or no...what they do for Dsis is entirely and utterly irrelevant to that

I will honestly say it can be galling when I read stuff like this and I struggle with every holiday , every sickness and spend every spare penny on childcare because family isn't an option for me...to hear someone whinging over a single week!

Motherof · 05/07/2018 01:28

Poor woman can’t have any time for herself.

LuluJakey1 · 05/07/2018 02:02

YABVU

R2G · 05/07/2018 02:25

YABU Think you need to change your mindset. Practice gratitude. Stop looking at others and comparing. Look at this lady and all she does for you all - when was the last time she was thanked, bought flowers, given a spa voucher etc...
Don't worry what she does for others. You are in control of your kids relationship with their nan.
Your husband sounds like a spoilt brat - if his kids are now adults and his ex was difficult, there would have only been so much your mum could do.how do those adults now treat their grandma? Sometimes you can give so much of your years to others and at the end they aren't grateful.

Tinkety · 05/07/2018 04:00

So if I’ve read this correctly, MIL minds 3 grandchildren regularly every week & goes away twice a year to watch another 2 grandchildren who live 4 hours away.

OP, did you stop to think that maybe she can’t manage 5 kids at the same time & that’s why she goes to her son rather than have him bring the other 2 grandchildren to her?

ShackUp · 05/07/2018 04:48

OP have you thought this whole childcare thing through in any way?

Do you know how much childcare costs per month?

If you had a childminder, you'd still have to arrange alternative childcare during CM's holidays...

My own parents are covering my CM for 2 days at the moment and I feel guilty for asking! Please consider that you are extremely lucky to have a fuckton of free family help.

Pengggwn · 05/07/2018 05:38

'responsibilities at home'

'Her house is sort of like an open house'

Shock
Floradoranora · 05/07/2018 05:54

It is up to her how she divides her time between her grandchildren and the oldest one will always be special simply because they were the first

I have a lot of grandchildren who Im very hands on with and I see them most days for various reasons. Is the eldest special? Yes they are, but so are the others for individual reasons that are personal to me and unique to them.

As grans its up to us to make sure each of our grandchildren are treated equally and that neither they nor their parents feel as if another child or children are treated as the second coming.

BertrandRussell · 05/07/2018 06:09

This sounds almost as unfair as my mil, who looked after my sil's children who live 5 minutes away every day but only babysat mine a few times a year. After all, we only live 300 miles away-she could have made more of an effort, ffs.....it was shocking favouritism.

Heatherjayne1972 · 05/07/2018 06:37

If mil is offering free childcare you have to just suck it up
There will always be times when she can’t help

Or you find a nursery for your dc

Hollilennon87 · 05/07/2018 06:43

I would give ANYTHING for childcare help. No Inlaws at all, my Dad sadly passed and mum is abroad. I would kill for my son to spend time with a grandparent let alone have them look after my children for me

MrsMint · 05/07/2018 06:55

@HelenK73
No: if the OP is clearly in the wrong - ie her behaviour is bad, or it is clear that her behaviour is unfair to another person then it is right that she is called out.

TellerTuesday4EVA · 05/07/2018 07:02

I'm normally always on the OP's side when it comes to MIL threads - I don't often post as the tend is for backlash. My own MIL is deranged so that possibly clouds my judgement & more inclined to view them as the villain on these friends but.......

Even I think you're taking the piss!!!

TellerTuesday4EVA · 05/07/2018 07:02

Threads not friends!!